November 26th, 2010

Kickette Fail Files: Cristiano Ronaldo

Don’t strain yourself, Cris. (AP Photo/Daylife)

You know what, Cris? You might have the most ridiculous taste in clothing, hairstyles and tanning shades but our sartorial radar seems to take a hike when you’re around.

Yep. We love you regardless, dammit. You’re foine, yo.

But still: there are times when your nonchalance has to be put in check. Kickettes, please convene in the chamber to consider the evidence. Crissy’s up for a FAIL.

NAME OF APPLICANT: Cristiano Ronaldo
POSITION/CLUB: Midfielder, Real Madrid
CITED EVIDENCE: Photographic (above)
KICKETTE VERDICT: Historically you have not been a friend to referees, Cristiano. Your quick feet and fancy footwear have often bamboozled hapless officials into giving free kicks that weren’t, not giving free kicks that were and everything in between. Occasionally, your attempts to feign injury have resulted in the kind of somersaults normally only seen in the floor exercise section of Olympic gymnastics.

And the evidence before us suggests that you are taking footie chicanery to new and exciting levels. Your expression gives nothing away as you nonchalantly stick out a foot to take down your man. A referee can have no clue as to whether a foul has been committed. Indeed, you might be lying on a sun lounger in a pair of unnerving shorts (left) for all the effort expended here. (Big Pictures/Keystone/Kickette)

Like everything you do, it might be thoroughly annoying and a target of contempt from commentators and players alike but it’s actually really good. Our bias declared, we declare a one month suspended sentence for you, with other offences against hair and trousers taken into consideration.

Take him away.

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38 Responses to “Kickette Fail Files: Cristiano Ronaldo”

  1. Tahj says:

    this is just classic! love the pic of Cris…..haven't watched him play in a while but I definitely know about this occasional Gymnastic floor exercise routine of which I can admit I never call him on, I always sympathize.Why is that? Good looks and charm,works on the refs, works on me! But Cris is never a fail….if he should be punished…I will do it :) Good one Kickettes!

  2. Maribel says:

    I find this to be an epic WIN. LOL!

  3. ella says:

    i will know, if sergio ramos have a girlfriend at the moment????

  4. tigerS says:

    lol, is he farting or what?

  5. Sarah, Madrid says:

    hahaha! not the biggest fan of Cristano, but this is funny! I will defend you anyday and you dont have to pay me in money *wink* *wink* ^ – ^.

  6. Ash Menon says:

    Saw the youtube. Diver much?

    • JBeeeee says:

      evidently there were at least 7 people in denial about his diving abilities and gave you a thumbs down. haahha

  7. blue_verry says:

    "Occasionally, your attempts to feign injury……"


  8. rainstarmcgee says:

    "I'm just gonna put my leg up riighhht now, look cool Ronnie"

  9. bri_saldana says:

    Weird…in a strange way i not quite sure if i can go w/out c9 for a month.

  10. Susana says:

    I agree to the FAIL as long as it includes everything to do with him…Whatsherface 2.0

  11. gi0ia says:

    I love this article! Every single sentence of it made me *rofl*. I`ve got a friend to whom he`s just the best thing since sliced bread, and I`ve just emailed her the link! :-)

  12. Hannah Gray says:

    I laughed when I saw this. Not a fan of CR. but he DOES amuse me sometimes.

  13. Catie says:

    This made me crack up. He looks like he's waiting for his latte.

  14. Whitney says:

    This is hilarious! CR, you naughty boy, yo need a spanking.

  15. @Dodah4 says:

    Huh what? No way. CR -despite everything – is never a fail. <3
    Beside in this match, poor thing was hurt a lot and got an unfair yellow card.

  16. Soho says:

    not sure how many people saw the game, but the ajax players were tackling him hard, and one guy even stepped on his ankle while he was on the ground.

  17. loves la roja says:

    normally i would agree to the cristiano fail, but due to all the ridiculousness sergio, xabi and iker are enduring right now, i'll allow it.

  18. shay says:

    I think he is trying to suppress a big grin.

  19. Bravo Kickette. This FAIL file is an epic WIN in my book.

  20. Ava says:

    Bahaha! He's so casual looking. XD

  21. rubyqueen says:

    i'll take ronnie away.straight to my bedroom to tie to the bed..:)

  22. Alex Samuel says:

    LMAO he looks like he's doing pilates on the pitch ' And up and down, and up and down'

  23. Natalia says:

    I'm volunteering to take him away! What can I say? He's my guilty pleasure. :D

  24. Rossanera says:

    That picture is hysterical.

  25. Barbiegirl says:

    Noooooooooooooooo.. dnt take him away!!

  26. Joellissa Remmy says:

    And that Eyebrow as well is offensive!!!!!!

  27. blake2108 says:

    Cristiano Ronaldo, to me is an overall FAIL

    Specially his looks. Not a fan.

    • Leya_S says:

      I would usually agree with this about 98.4% of the time.
      However, I must say that (for me, at least) there are rare and random occasions that hit me by surprise where I'm like, "I can't figure out why I find CR attractive", usually when he's with his family, or visits kids in the hospital…these moments are fleeting as he inevitably does something else that reminds me why I don't usually like him.
      But I can't deny his hot body, unfortunately…

    • blue_verry says:


  28. @AgnesWonka says:

    his tackling is not as bad as other player's like De Jong!!!
    some players tackle him coz they're envious! hello!!!

  29. Who's looking at his boots? I'm fixed on his abductor muscle.

  30. BarceLisa says:

    The entire Real team deserves a fail for those Purple Drank uniforms they wore. I'm hallucinating just looking at them.

    • @AgnesWonka says:

      are you joking? that colour looked soooo cool on them!!!

      • BarceLisa says:

        Yea but I much prefer the Men In Black away kit, now those are hot. I always half expect Ronaldo to put on shades and say "You know the difference between you and me? I make this look good'.

        • Lily Montella says:

          that's just there champions league away kit, but I agree I like the black la liga away kit :)