November 12th, 2010
Kickette Fail Files: Ezequiel Lavezzi, Napoli
It’s unusual for us to be disappointed when we find a man in this position. But there’s a first for everything. (Getty Images/Zimbio)
Ok. Because it’s Friday we’re prepared to take at least part of the blame for this one. We accept that in a previous post we *may* have set unrealistic expectations by alerting you guys to the general manliness that is Ezequiel Lavezzi. His muscles. His tattoos. His fearlessness in the fray that resulted in some sort of facial injury.
But while we did threaten the use of a stun gun in our last encounter with the man, we must confess that in fact our stun guns were seized (along with a significant quantity of cake and alcohol) during the last police raid of Kickette HQ. We have no firepower. What you see above is all him.
You’ve let us down, Lavezzi. Your case will now be heard.
NAME OF APPLICANT: Ezequiel Lavezzi
POSITION/CLUB: Striker, Napoli
BUSINESS UNDERTAKEN: Maintaining the façade of manliness for the benefit and enjoyment of Kickette Soldier Girls.
CITED EVIDENCE: Photographic (above)
KICKETTE VERDICT: Zeke, we expect this kind of thing from Didier Drogba, Nani, any Italian player apart from Cannavaro, and of course Cristiano Ronaldo, who has arguably turned rolling about on the floor feigning injury into an artform. We actually kind of like it.
But you? With your collection of tough stickers and your stubble? Unless you have just been shot (by a renegade Kickette staffer with a contraband weapon), stabbed, kicked in the short tent or otherwise incapacitated, we do not expect to see you assuming this kind of position on the pitch again. We have standards. We don’t compromise and neither should you.
You’re on probation. Your FAIL will be held for six weeks. Any further infraction of this type during this time will result in the immediate award of the FAIL and a battalion of soldier girls staking out you house to show you the error of your ways.
You don’t want that.