January 5th, 2011

Kickette Fail Files: Fulham FC

Chris Baird (left) and Clint Dempsey. Admirable enthusiasm, but useful? No. (Getty Images/Daylife)

With the Kickette staff rueing the missed opportunity of having run a Festive Fail File (alliteration is our second favourite thing in the world after peach schnapps, after all), we would like mask our disappointment by starting 2011 as we mean to go on.

That is, making facetious remarks about footballers as they attend to their everyday business. Please enjoy.


NAME OF APPLICANTS: Chris Baird & Clint Dempsey
POSITION/CLUB: Defender & Forward/Midfielder respectively, Fulham FC
BUSINESS UNDERTAKEN: Tackling, winning the ball
CITED EVIDENCE: Photo (above)

It’s tough at the bottom of the EPL, we know that. And with a record like the one Fulham currently boast, it’s no wonder their players are feeling the need to put in some extra effort.

But lads? Enthusiasm and passion are fine, but not when they manifest themselves to the extent that you guys are actually starting to scuffle on the pitch. That stuff should be restricted to the training pitch, surely? Or is it that your inattention at the pre-season ‘Winning The Ball’ seminar caused your problems in the first place?

Anyhoo, because you won 3-0 against West Brom and elevated yourselves out of the relegation zone we’ve decided to be lenient. Please attend the Kickette offices at 10.00am tomorrow morning, wearing nothing but strapping tape and tighty whities and brandishing a case of Krug. We will then teach you how to tackle properly.

Mwahahahahaha!

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11 Responses to “Kickette Fail Files: Fulham FC”

  1. senora ramos says:

    oh deuce love, you have to share!

  2. rainstarmcgee says:

    haha they're silly. Chris's face is priceless

  3. elizabeth says:

    Clint!!!!! While I’m not particularly attracted to him I do have a soft spot. I mean who else can claim to be a rapper footballer from Texas. Oh and he like beacon.

  4. tina says:

    Clint can totally get it!

  5. gin_in_teacups says:

    I was just thinking that if there's anything Kickette needs, it's more Clint. And now here he is, and I didn't even have to ask. Life should always be like this.

    • sarrible says:

      Yum. I volunteer to catalog all his tattoos. And perhaps add my initials in Sharpie (sorry, Clint's Pretty Wife).

      • gin_in_teacups says:

        I didn't even know he was married. But I just Googled her and she is gorgeous. And a psychologist! I think I might have a new WAG-crush.

  6. Violets says:

    Dempsey's been playing as more a forward this year, not a midfielder. And for what he's been doing at Fulham this year, he can do no wrong in my book.