March 16th, 2011

Kickette Fail Files: Joleon Lescott, Manchester City FC

Lock up your daughters, this man is a menace to society! Image: Getty Images/Daylife.

It is with heavy (collective) heart that we bring you news of yet another sickening scandal involving an EPL player and England International**. In recent years we have been inundated with tales of players sordid exploits but this one has rendered us utterly speechless. Proceed with caution, Kickettes.

It has been reported that Manchester City and England defender Joleon Lescott has infuriated his neighbours in Alderley Edge by commencing construction work on a property that retains the characteristics of the Georgian design period. As anyone with half a brain knows, the houses in Alderley Edge generally conform to the Victorian period. Duh!

Step forward, Lescott. Your trial for heinous crimes against design aesthetics begins here.

NAME OF APPLICANT: Joleon Lescott
POSITION/CLUB: Defender/Manchester City FC
BUSINESS UNDERTAKEN: Exhibiting a grasp of English architectural periods
CITED EVIDENCE: Newspaper report

Image: Reuters/Daylife

KICKETTE VERDICT: Joleon, seriously. You have to get a grip on you responsibilities as an international footballer. How are kids, for whom you are nothing less than a god-like influence, supposed to get on in life when you set an example like this? Not only are the subtle differences in English period architecture the very least you could be expected to know in your capacity as elite defensive man mountain, but your failure to grasp the concept could potentially lead to a generation of English kids being completely ignorant on the matter.

We are stunned. And you, Sir, should be suspended pending further enquiries.

Be gone.

**This post was brought to you by the Kickette Department of Facetiousness and Irony. Thank you.

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6 Responses to “Kickette Fail Files: Joleon Lescott, Manchester City FC”

  1. spursgal says:

    commander wharf

  2. ashmenon says:

    Dear god when I read the title and the caption I thought he had sexually assaulted a child. Implication fail, Kickette.

    And the house actually looks quite nice. I bet his neighbors would learn to like it once they removed their Victorian-style lampposts from up their arses.

  3. simone says:

    same here

  4. Alera says:

    When I read the first bit I was like oh no but I kinda like him… So glad is infraction is only architectual,

  5. Thea says:

    I have to say I met him last year in Dubai and found him and his family to be really affable and nice. Their money, they can afford it – and I don't see what the bother is as Georgian followed on from the Victorian period!