November 17th, 2010
Kickette Fail Files: Jon Conway, Toronto FC
It was his final throw. As Jon Conway prepared himself he knew only a thirty metre distance was sufficient to take the crown of Olympic Man Chucker. He took a deep breath and began to spin. (AP Photo/Daylife)
Yes ladies, it’s that time again. Follow us to our happy place, where we can avail you of the asshattery and buffoonery that is apparently rampant in our beautiful game. Today we visit Canada, where Toronto FC’s Jon Conway is demonstrating an entirely new approach to goalkeeping.
NAME OF APPLICANT: Jon Conway
POSITION/CLUB: Goalkeeper, Toronto FC
BUSINESS UNDERTAKEN: Goalkeeping
CITED EVIDENCE: Photographic (above)
KICKETTE VERDICT: Jon, we’re unsure as to what the actual problem is here. Are you simply aggressive in your protection of your goal line and penalty box? Or are you unclear on the rules of football? In case of the latter, let’s run through the basics for you. As a goalkeeper, you ARE allowed to handle and throw the ball. You ARE NOT allowed to handle and throw opposition players. M’kay?
Despite the vague admiration we have for your innovation on the field of play, we’re going with aggressive over stoopid since it’s not possible to be a goalkeeper at the level and not have a grasp of the above. Take this big fat FAIL and sit it next to the red card you received for this ‘tackle’.
And let that be a lesson to you.