November 17th, 2010

Kickette Fail Files: Jon Conway, Toronto FC

It was his final throw. As Jon Conway prepared himself he knew only a thirty metre distance was sufficient to take the crown of Olympic Man Chucker. He took a deep breath and began to spin. (AP Photo/Daylife)

Yes ladies, it’s that time again. Follow us to our happy place, where we can avail you of the asshattery and buffoonery that is apparently rampant in our beautiful game. Today we visit Canada, where Toronto FC’s Jon Conway is demonstrating an entirely new approach to goalkeeping.

POSITION/CLUB: Goalkeeper, Toronto FC
CITED EVIDENCE: Photographic (above)
KICKETTE VERDICT: Jon, we’re unsure as to what the actual problem is here. Are you simply aggressive in your protection of your goal line and penalty box? Or are you unclear on the rules of football? In case of the latter, let’s run through the basics for you. As a goalkeeper, you ARE allowed to handle and throw the ball. You ARE NOT allowed to handle and throw opposition players. M’kay?

Despite the vague admiration we have for your innovation on the field of play, we’re going with aggressive over stoopid since it’s not possible to be a goalkeeper at the level and not have a grasp of the above. Take this big fat FAIL and sit it next to the red card you received for this ‘tackle’.

And let that be a lesson to you.

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20 Responses to “Kickette Fail Files: Jon Conway, Toronto FC”

  1. @evonne28 says:

    I was a visiting fan at that game vs. Columbus Crew. I could not have been farther away from the play & I said "Holy sh*t, it looked like he just picked (Steven) Lenhart up & threw him down!" I had no idea how right I was. Readers might also want to know about the big WIN of this game, when OUR goalkeeper ran upfield on a corner kick and scored the tying goal. Here's a link to the video (page 7 I think): "Hesmer Equalizes in the Dying Seconds".

  2. Jackie says:

    1. I'm shocked TFC made it into Kickette. 2. I was at that game & when Conway handled him there was a massive applause. haha

  3. lonelySTARSHINE says:

    congratulations for the photo-catch…

  4. Xtine says:

    I´m from Toronto (but I´m living in Madrid) and I had NO idea we had a soccer team! :P

  5. Akashastar says:

    TFC eye candy: Adrian Cann 2010 TFC mVP and former model. He's the one on the left.…

  6. Lulu says:

    Woo! TFC is here on Kickette. Um, I'll ignore the fact that we debuted in the Fail Files…

  7. jamtart heart says:

    I'm so bummed out I missed this, haha.

  8. Shireen says:

    It's soo awesome to see them here! I've always been a fan (though they always lose LOL)!

    And wow, other TFC fans :)

  9. Somewhere in Toronto says:

    Gawd. That is an awful picture, isn't it? Jon's actually a really nice guy and that doofus from Columbus totally had it coming.* lol!

    * as a TFC fan I'm contractually obligated to say that.

  10. Rossanera says:

    I just sent this to Nick LaBrocca's girlfriend and hope it makes the rounds.

  11. bri_saldana says:


  12. YvoGirl says:

    As a Canadian Footy-gal living in the, this is not easy to digest. What was he thinking?! Eventhough it was in the (epic)FAIL files, at least Canadian (besides Owen) footy has made it into Kickette =)

  13. Taylor says:

    I live around Toronto so it’s nice to see Canadian teams on here :)

    as for Jon…. lol. that’s actually priceless.

  14. jen says:

    I can't wait to see the Vancouver Whitecaps in the 2011 Fail files :S

  15. Says_Who says:

    As a soccer fan who happens to live in Toronto, I'm glad to see the Toronto FC makes its debut on the kickette website, even if they are in the FAIL files.

  16. blitzenTO says:

    Nice to see some TFC here, even if it is a FAIL. Now let's get some D-Ro up in here!

  17. SoccerLoverrrr says:

    I've watched this match! I have to say the fight that took place was both hilarious and very entertaining