February 15th, 2011
Kickette Fail Files: Roberto Rosales, FC Twente
It’s devastating to see a young man throwing his career away, just to catch our eyes. It really is. (Getty Images/Daylife)
A cautionary tale in today’s Fail File, people, as we examine the story of a young man whose career hangs in the balance as he battles an all pervading addiction to appearing on these pages.
Be warned, Kickettes. It’s your insatiable desire for manflesh that leads young players down this path. You are culpable in their demise.
NAME OF APPLICANT: Roberto Rosales
POSITION/CLUB: Right back, FC Twente
BUSINESS UNDERTAKEN: Avoiding the appearance of desperation
CITED EVIDENCE: Photo (above)
KICKETTE VERDICT: Now Roberto. We understand how difficult it is for you guys in the Dutch Eredivisie to get noticed. We at Kickette are miserable failures when it comes to the league system in the home of Total Football and articulate this idiocy on a daily basis by wilfully overlooking one of the major European competitions in favour of another post about Sergio Ramos’ hair.
For this reason, we find it totally appropriate that an Eredivisie player of your calibre would take ‘extra’ measures to get noticed. But it’s gone too far, Robert. We take partial responsibility; clearly featuring your promising short-tent last year gave you aspirations towards more regular coverage and you’ve become a little ‘camera happy’.
We are staging this intervention to help you. If your obsession with featuring on these hallowed pages means that much to you, remove your shirt at the end of a game. ‘Accidentally’ allow your shorts to ride up during a tackle, allowing an expanse of toned thigh to be revealed in all it’s glory. Spend more time hanging out with your colleague, Nacer Chadli (above). He’s nummy. (Getty Images/Daylife)
Running around in front of random press photographers whilst pulling your trademark ‘hot look’ (top) will not work. It will interfere with your gameplay, you will be sidelined and eventually lose your contract. You may even have to take a job as a binman just to make ends meet.
If you look hot enough, We WILL find you. We always do.