February 15th, 2011
Kickette Vocabulary: A Study In The Beckham Family Side-Eye
Image: Alex Livesey/Getty Images Europe.
As you’re probably aware, the daft minds behind this site’s scenes are largely responsible for expanding the bitchtastic facial options available to footballers, heavily researching the paradigm shifts in short tents and examining what manbags mean to their men (as well as unearthing the content Cristiano carries around).
However. Before we can immodestly claim total vernacular victory over Merriam Webster, we need to address the presence of the greatest cut-a-man-clan seen seriously sitting in the Old Trafford stands over the weekend: The Beckhams.
The Bitten Lip Look Away (Romeo Beckham)
This, ‘I’m watching you’ look may seem a bit rudimentary, but without mastering this significant starter stare, a misstep along the path to great glares is inevitable. Munching on your pucker signifies quick thinkers who are cautious with their calories and calculated risk-taking.
Don’t confuse Romeo’s subtle, squinting silhouette for vulnerability, though. He may be the strong and silent type, but he’s already showed the earliest signs of a future power eye player. Watch your leer, Ryan Giggs.
The Three-Quarter Profile Side-Eye (Victoria Beckham)
The severe extreme of maxed out coolness, the straight on side-eye expresses one’s total disregard for all things. An extremely fast and easy mode of hassle-free message delivery, this free-wheelin’ and dealin’ eyeball onslaught guarantees that the plebe’s pupils in question will never dare to cross paths again.
Facial Frontal Side-Eye (Cruz Beckham)
The next step up from a three-quarter view is a full on, direct “Why You All In My Grill” example. Now, we already knew that Cruz Beckham was a bit of handful, but something tells us he gets his no nonsense approach to infiltration from his mama (who, by the by, is doing her best iteration of the three quarter side-eye on the March 2011 issue of Allure magazine).
The Evil Eyebrow (Daddy David Beckham)
A move so technically advanced that even our own side-eye sire, Lucas Neill, can’t perform (as a consolation, his brows lack the bushiness required) we can only describe how this bitchin’ brow makes us feel: all sorts of nervous awkwardness, shameful for staring and guilty for the dirty thoughts that follow.
Image: Yahoo Sports.
The “Gangster Gaze” (Brooklyn Beckham)
Make no mistake, Kickettes, this multi-functional staring stronghold is not just any run-of-the-mill look; it’s more of the run-for-the-hills variety. Unlike other low-threshold looks, one needs to be provoked in order to illicit frontispiece freak-outs which say, “I’m agitated with your bitchass-ery and I deem you unworthy of my father’s love and affection”.
Case in point: Romeo’s boredom, at left from last July, proved bothersome by Brooklyn’s side-eye standards.