March 29th, 2012

Kickette Vocabulary: The Many Stages Of MANlove

Greetings, ladies, gentlemen, and everyone in between.

The third or fourth part of our ongoing Kickette Vocabulary scholastic series is a crash course in MANlove. Please gather in the lecture theatre for your illustrated guide to hot boys getting handsy.

Higher learning is where it’s at, Kickettes.

LEVEL 1: PRETTY PLATONIC

MANhug

Definition: A MANhug is a full body undertaking, performed by 2 or many more players in eight simple steps. It is usually reserved for important goal celebrations, but impromptu flashmob style MANhugs can break out in training, as demonstrated by Valencia players during preparations for their Europa League tie vs. AZ Alkmaar.

Further Explanation: MANhugging is not appropriate with every man a ‘baller comes in contact with. It carries with it a certain intimacy that should be reserved for close friends, family and team-mates. It is not the same thing as a dude/pound/one-armed hug (which starts with a handshake and ends in guys pulling themselves together to bump chests and pat backs).

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MANdolins

Image: RAFA RIVAS/AFP/Getty Images.

Definition: Providers of amateur massage therapy who pretend to play their partner’s body parts as if they were a musical instrument.

Further Explanation: Mandolins harmonising in descending height order is funny.

LEVEL 2: MILD WITH A CHANCE OF MANLOVE

MANkiss

Adil Rami delights in receiving a sweet (if vigorous) MANkiss from French actor, Ramzy Bedia, backstage at a concert in Lille. Image taken 27.03.12 at Concert ‘Une nuit a Makala’.

Definition: The act of two dudes exchanging kisses on the cheek.

Further Explanation: A MANkisser typically seeks assistance in controlling one’s action or reactions (depending on who’s doing what) from his strong man hands. During the 2012 season, MANkissing on what appeared to be the lips became particularly popular amongst France’s national team.

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MANipulation


Definition: Foreplay for men.

Further Explanation: MANipulation involves one ‘baller giggling and/or petting another player’s hair – as coyly demonstrated by Frank Lampard on David Luiz during pre-CL training this week – to experience another’s subconscious body gestures.

This pre-mating ritual has proven effective in determining whether or not a second date is gonna happen. It is not known whether permission must be sought from an existing bromance partner before fondling of another commences.

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MANly-Go-Round

Image Credit: AP Photo/Kirsty Wigglesworth.

Definition: Taking a ride on another man while he is otherwise engaged and/or distracted.

Further Explanation: A MANly-go-round rider may also pull in his stomach, puff up his chest or stand a little taller.

LEVEL 3: SERIOUS & STALKERISH

EntangleMANt


Definition: On the ground tussling by two men who choose to tumble for each other or ‘accidentally’ roll around in close proximity.

Further Explanation: Ajax and Inter Milan academy players Joel Veltmen and Andrea Romano showed us on the 25th of March that sometimes, a delicate entangleMANt is the only efficient way of gauging the mental health and physical body temperature of the competition (accuracy rate: +/- 2 degrees).

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Serial MANdaters

Definition: A man who obsessively stalks or creeps on helpless bros (or pals/mates) who is driven by a burning internal desire to stalk victims and have their way with the resistant target of their choice. To these guys, “no” means “yes”, but when it’s not opposite day, they’ll plant a smooch on basically any exposed body part they can get their mitts on.

Further Explanation: Serial MANdaters like Lille’s Aurelian Chedjou are instantly identifiable by their signature “Kiss and Run” move – the distinguishing characteristic between serial MANdaters and MANkissers. This fleeting technique works 100% of the time on unsuspecting, innocent and oft-confused bystanders.

Don’t get too close to a serial MANdater, dear readers, or he will think you’re interested and try to take you up on your offer by following you home.

Everyday.

Until you move flats and change your mobile number.

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33 Responses to “Kickette Vocabulary: The Many Stages Of MANlove”

  1. Lisa says:

    would someone like to explain to me why Sernando isn't here?!

  2. Agnes Wonka says:

    why was my comment deleted by the administrator? just a sec after I posted it :S

  3. Jenni says:

    Which category does Balotelli's constant love-slapping of Yaya Toure fit into?

  4. xbabyshakesx says:

    I love MANlove =]

  5. rafaela says:

    Valencia is a team based in MANlove!!!

  6. FloraJane says:

    Frank usually wears such a serious face, but when he does show us one of those cute little smiles it's just the most adorable thing ever! But JT will definitely be jealous! lol

  7. Valencianista says:

    Thank you Kickette, you juste made me smile :) Love the Valencia pictures (good as always) and Adil Rami, speechless!!

  8. Mrs_Q_Borri says:

    I don't even have to say I love the Valencia pics and obviously the Rami picture!!! Obviously the Rami pic is now my screensaver on my laptop!! So ridiculous!! :) Now I have a big smile on my face!! Thank-you Kikcette!! ;)

  9. littlegreenpea says:

    What about the Fernando Llorente/Javi Martinez bromance??

  10. Gladys says:

    Thanks, Kickette, for not just one but three Valencia man-love pics!!! They're one of those teams that, no matter what superstars they lose, just keeps coming back with replacement hotties…I mean talented players. Sexy Rami in his civilian clothes. Fiery Soldado. Mathieu– the handsomer, French Paul Scholes. My latest crush has to be the adorably freckled Aritz Aduriz (there he his all smiles third from the left in that manhug)– he's like Nando's older Basque brother. It's a shame they couldn't beat AZ today– but at least they got an away goal and there's always the return.

  11. Gillian says:

    Aw, Frank is living my dream. I long to touch Luiz's hair.

  12. Catie2838 says:

    Love the Lampard/Luiz pic!

  13. Mercy says:

    I miss seeing Xavilla manlove…

  14. Nate says:

    I had an embarrassing little goofy giggle to level 3 entangleMANt.

    • chay says:

      I love this picture, actually–it's probably my have one of the ones presented. It's quite endearing :-)

  15. black widow says:

    i can't help but feel iker has been sadly neglected in this post! from his customary pre-match kiss with sergio (please, please tell me somewhere, someone on youtube has made a compilation of this … i, for one, would find it fascinating …) and his rolling about on the ground with becks several years ago, plus the literally dozens of photos of teammates petting and patting him over the years, he fits pretty much every category of man (and woman) love!

  16. LizzyHS90 says:

    Oh I love the Rami picture! I saw some video of him at this dancing and it was lol. @Mrs. Q.Borri I think you would like to see it ;-)

  17. mybabyri says:

    awww the only thing cuter than man love s baby love :) )