March 29th, 2012
Kickette Vocabulary: The Many Stages Of MANlove
Greetings, ladies, gentlemen, and everyone in between.
Higher learning is where it’s at, Kickettes.
LEVEL 1: PRETTY PLATONIC
Definition: A MANhug is a full body undertaking, performed by 2 or many more players in eight simple steps. It is usually reserved for important goal celebrations, but impromptu flashmob style MANhugs can break out in training, as demonstrated by Valencia players during preparations for their Europa League tie vs. AZ Alkmaar.
Further Explanation: MANhugging is not appropriate with every man a ‘baller comes in contact with. It carries with it a certain intimacy that should be reserved for close friends, family and team-mates. It is not the same thing as a dude/pound/one-armed hug (which starts with a handshake and ends in guys pulling themselves together to bump chests and pat backs).
Image: RAFA RIVAS/AFP/Getty Images.
Definition: Providers of amateur massage therapy who pretend to play their partner’s body parts as if they were a musical instrument.
Further Explanation: Mandolins harmonising in descending height order is funny.
LEVEL 2: MILD WITH A CHANCE OF MANLOVE
Adil Rami delights in receiving a sweet (if vigorous) MANkiss from French actor, Ramzy Bedia, backstage at a concert in Lille. Image taken 27.03.12 at Concert ‘Une nuit a Makala’.
Definition: The act of two dudes exchanging kisses on the cheek.
Further Explanation: A MANkisser typically seeks assistance in controlling one’s action or reactions (depending on who’s doing what) from his strong man hands. During the 2012 season, MANkissing on what appeared to be the lips became particularly popular amongst France’s national team.
Further Explanation: MANipulation involves one ‘baller giggling and/or petting another player’s hair – as coyly demonstrated by Frank Lampard on David Luiz during pre-CL training this week – to experience another’s subconscious body gestures.
This pre-mating ritual has proven effective in determining whether or not a second date is gonna happen. It is not known whether permission must be sought from an existing bromance partner before fondling of another commences.
Image Credit: AP Photo/Kirsty Wigglesworth.
Definition: Taking a ride on another man while he is otherwise engaged and/or distracted.
Further Explanation: A MANly-go-round rider may also pull in his stomach, puff up his chest or stand a little taller.
LEVEL 3: SERIOUS & STALKERISH
Definition: On the ground tussling by two men who choose to tumble for each other or ‘accidentally’ roll around in close proximity.
Further Explanation: Ajax and Inter Milan academy players Joel Veltmen and Andrea Romano showed us on the 25th of March that sometimes, a delicate entangleMANt is the only efficient way of gauging the mental health and physical body temperature of the competition (accuracy rate: +/- 2 degrees).
Definition: A man who obsessively stalks or creeps on helpless bros (or pals/mates) who is driven by a burning internal desire to stalk victims and have their way with the resistant target of their choice. To these guys, “no” means “yes”, but when it’s not opposite day, they’ll plant a smooch on basically any exposed body part they can get their mitts on.
Further Explanation: Serial MANdaters like Lille’s Aurelian Chedjou are instantly identifiable by their signature “Kiss and Run” move – the distinguishing characteristic between serial MANdaters and MANkissers. This fleeting technique works 100% of the time on unsuspecting, innocent and oft-confused bystanders.
Don’t get too close to a serial MANdater, dear readers, or he will think you’re interested and try to take you up on your offer by following you home.
Until you move flats and change your mobile number.