January 26th, 2011
Kickette’s La Liga WAG Hierarchy: A Masterclass In Medaling
There’s been quite an explosion of high-profile ladies linking up with La Liga stars as of late, and it’s sometimes hard to make sense of the semi-translatable details, no? Google translate has yet to come up with accurate descriptors of things like “glitter Gucci belts” or “short-tents in green jeans”, which can make even the most sedate La Liga loving Kickette frustrated.
Luckily, we are here to help. Both in accurate translations and in judging the WAGs stepping out of your nightmares and into their ‘ballers’ cars.
However, we can’t weigh in on these girls with the same bravado as their English counterparts without an Alex Gerrard-type calling the bish get in line! shots. You see, La Liga’s WAG hierarchy is less a tiered system and more an elevated platform positioning a la the Olympics.
Our levels of scattered heights are judged on the following merits:
- Means of Survival = Their Weight In Metal. One must have a job – plain and simple. “Job” is a loosely-used term, of course, and includes one’s ability to leverage their man’s popularity/influence to climb socially, in addition to the standard range of 9-to-5ers and professional performers. Be advised, we’ve purposely omitted the likes of Ana Ortiz (Iniesta), Nagore (Alonso) and so forth because we don’t want to submit their pretty, stay-at-home-Mum bums to such menial debates. We like them just the way they are, and they may arguably be in a league all their own that we don’t have the time, space or energy for right now. Other wives and girlfriends of Spaniards, like Olalla Torres, don’t qualify due to…
- Their Man’s Playing Status. He must play in one of the professional Spanish leagues, and ladies are also evaluated on their partners’ quality of team and quantity of playing time.
Before we continue, may we preface the remainder of this post so we can manage your expectations and avoid feeling guilty that we let our readers and non-commenting lurkers down:
- One thing we aren’t rating on is their likability. We’d have no WAGs to choose from if that were part of the criteria.
- To put things into perspective for the lazy or intoxicated, we’ll also provide you with their English equivalent. This doesn’t mean, however, that if we were holding the English caste to the same accord, that’s where the EPL lovelies would land. It’s merely a comparison for you to hastily topline your judgments.
- This is by no means an exhaustive list. You know we have a hard time with odd numbers and uneven organized lists. Consider it more of a starter’s guide, kind of like your trading card collection!
Okay, so is your head spinning mad yet?
Good! Let’s get to it.
Stereotypical Standards: In a country where beautiful women are a plenty, “the presenters” are the Birkin bags: elusive, highly covetable and expensive as all hell. The everyday minutiae of these girls’ lives is painstakingly chronicled as if the planet Earth was on a collision course with a meteor and there was one last chance for a reporter to earn his byline. Thought-leading universities have coined a phenomenon about their ability to make a major, profit-inducing splash wherever they go (See: The Sara Carbonero Effect). In other words, all the other WAGs walk behind them, but never beside them.
Bios (L-R): A newcomer to the WAG scene, Lara Alvarez‘s impending decision to shack up with Sergio Ramos has caused such a national outcry of conflicting views that she’s cemented her WAG de jour title in record time; On the other hand, Telecinco presenter Sara Carbonero first caused a sh*tstorm with an impromptu, on-camera lip-lock featuring the Spanish NT’s captain/goalkeeper. Her hair is sponsored by Pantene Pro-V, while her boobs were (possibly) sponsored by Iker Casillas.
English WAG Equivalents (L-R): Victoria Beckham, (possibly) Bleakley.
Stereotypical Standards: These are the girls who remain coy about their private lives, yet have enough self confidence to show some skin for the lads. No matter what level of greatness they seek, these Spanish ‘baller WAGs are still judged upon how they measure up to the superior GMGs.
Under normal circumstances, these women would warrant top marks for their individual celebrity statuses. However, in the wild world of Spanish footy – where couples are barely in the alleged state of affairs – we do not see these ladies fit to hold court in our regal WAG arena.
Bios (L-R): Shakira “My hips didn’t and don’t lie” has a CV that speaks for itself. Which is all the more strange considering the “facts” being reported about her romance with Barcelona’s Gerard Pique: she met his parents and, according to a muttering journo, was seen with his tongue in her ear (?!?) in a restaurant; Edurne is a Spanish pop singer most famous for her sixth place finish in one of the many editions of the Spanish television series Operación Triunfo. Now, with a more impressive 1st place finish in FHM Spain’s poll of the country’s hottest women, she’s emerged from the depths of fledgling pop stardom with Atlético Madrid goalkeeper David de Gea as her consolation mancandy.
English WAG Equivalent (L-R): Bigger than Cheryl Cole could ever imagine (even when she was in her prime and without the loo attendant dramz), Louise Redknapp
Stereotypical Standards: These tend to be the girls with some designer baggage, perhaps paid for by another, formerly-enticing paycheck power player. More often than not, they’re best known for being “the girlfriend of ___.” It wouldn’t be any stretch of the imagination to say that these are the women who have made careers out of beauty pageants, reality telly or selling their souls to tabloid magazines. Their low medal status is indirectly related to the limited amount of clothes they own and regularly wear.
Bios (L-R): Irina Shayk, she of “GQ photoshopped my panties off – I SWEAR! – but here I am topless for DT Magazine – WHOOPSIE!” controversy and girlfriend of everyone’s favourite absentee father, Cristiano Ronaldo; Former Miss Spain, Elisabeth Reyes, is the ex-girlfriend of GMG Lara Alvarez’s current. Her fall from higher graces was slightly softened by her ability to quickly recover with another footballer, Valencia’s Alexis Ruano. He’s not cute enough for us to inquire about his playing time, so we’ll just leave it at that.
EPL WAG Counterparts (L-R): (previous serial ‘baller dater) Gemma Atkinson, Danielle Lloyd.