June 23rd, 2011

Language Lunacy: A Kickette Interactive Game

We haven’t asked, but we doubt Ryan will be thrilled to find his name is being used as a parent deterrent. Images: Getty Images/Daylife, Reuters/Daylife

Our long-term aim to ruin our language by forcing the Oxford English Dictionary to accept terms like short-tent in their weighty tome is newly invigorated, Kickettes! And by none other than Christine Bleakley’s mum! Yes, Mina did her bit for the proposed collapse of coherant communication when she made a statement this week that she is pleased her daughter will be marrying Frank Lampard because ‘he’s no Giggs’.

This got us thinking.

Due to our hard work, footballers and their activities are now ubiquitous in modern culture, but why not exploit this familiarity by utilising their names as descriptors of the activities we associate them with? We don’t actually believe for one second that the OED will take a blind bit of notice (well, one of our staffers does, but she’s delusional at the best of times, so we generally leave her be) but it’s not the winning, it’s the taking part that matters.

We’ve had a few ideas to start you off, but have a go yourself. For funsies. We might even re-visit the best ones in a later post…

Doing ‘a Giggs’

Usage: “Yeah, she can marry him. He’s no Giggs.”

Interpretation: ‘I am thrilled that my daughter Christine Bleakley is betrothed to popular Chelsea midfielder Frank Lampard. I don’t expect him to be exposed in the tabloids for conducting a sexual relationship with any existing family members or indeed the former cast of reality television programmes in the forseeable future.


Having ‘a Rooney’

Usage: “Cheers mate, but nah, can’t make it on Thursday. I’m ‘avin me Rooney done.”

Interpretation: ‘Thank you for your kind invitation, old bean. Unfortunately I’m unable to attend your function towards the end of the week as I will be attending a clinic whose advertising literature claims it can restore my hairline to it’s former glory.’


Now with added ‘Gourcuff’

Usage: “I’m going out creeping tonight. Gimme the ’Gourcuff’ effect mascara.”

Interpretation: But I wish to attract the attentions of a nubile young football player this evening. I therefore have no time for inferior mascaras offering width, depth and height to my lashes. I want 3D implausibility and I want it now!


Booking a ‘Cristiano’

Usage: “But how long do I stay in for? The price list says: two minutes, five minutes, ten or Cristiano?”

Interpretation: ‘I am currently in my local tanning emporium. Should I go for a light, all over sun-kissed look, a deeper bronzed beach look or should I call my local fence primer firm and ask to be sponsored?’


To ‘Sergio’ an item

Usage: “Um, you know that really expensive flower pot you asked me to carry? Er… I Sergio’d it.”

Interpretation: Unfortunately, whilst I was transporting your grandmother’s genuine Ming vase across to the auction house it inexplicably crashed to the floor in the middle of the road and was sadly run over by the No.93 bus. I may have been at the whiskey just prior to the event.’


To ’Sergio’ an outfit

Usage: “I thought about wearing these. Or do they ’Sergio’** my shirt?”

Interpretation: Well, my plan was to go to the important dinner dressed in these pants. But I’m curious as to whether they render all other clothing choices on the planet utterly meaningless and make women who would die to share just a moment of my time totally reconsider their taste in men?

**Can be substituted for ‘Guti’ in certain circumstances.

Hit it, Kickettes!


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57 Responses to “Language Lunacy: A Kickette Interactive Game”

  1. tool steel says:

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  3. essjay says:

    But, I must say, "doing a Giggs" and "having a Rooney" could somewhat be the same thing though, no?

  4. Cat says:

    I saw a bumper sticker on my way into work this morning “bark less, wag more” which made me think you should add WAG more – higher heals, shorter skirts, bigger boobs…
    “Before we go out to the club tonight, you need to WAG more.”

  5. Zebbie says:

    to "Torres" (verb): to fumble a perfect opportunity that falls to you fortuitously.

  6. D. Griffin says:

    HAHA!!! You girls are so damn funny… to Sergio an item… hahahahaha! BRILLIANT!

  7. Rory says:

    Can't wait to hear what old mum says when Lampsy inevitably cheats on her daughter…umm, he turned out to be a Giggs?

  8. @AgnesWonka says:

    Villa-face – "He looks angry, look at his Villa-face!"

    Mourinho – To give polemic answers that lead to arguments. "you can be so Mourinho sometimes"

    Piqué: to always want to call the attention, exposing yourself even by looking ridiculous. -used to show disapproval- "Look at the way he dances, he's so piqué"
    the "used to show disapproval" is what the Longman Dictionary says

  9. Julia says:

    "to dempsey" is to celebrate an achievement with an expression of fury or intense anger rather than joy. ex: "Bob got a promotion the other day, but by the way he dempsied i thought he'd been fired!"

  10. LuvinBale says:

    To Pavlychenko: pulling out a brilliant maneuver at the last minute when it is most needed.
    "I was at the Jimmy Choo sale today and I totally Pav'd the last pair of Double Banded Botties in Nude in my size!!!

    To Bale as in Gareth Bale: running so fast that you leave everyone else in the dust.
    " So this guy at the bar wouldn't stop bothering and he was really creeping me out so I Baled as fast as I could (in my new Choo's)!"

    To Redknapp (Harry): to be a wheeler dealer like Harry.

    "I just bought a new car–the sales man didn't know what hit him. I totally Redknapped him!"

  11. mel says:

    Some other blog once laughed a new dictionary for the pl. One of the words had me cracked up!

    The be van-jung'd: When a player is slaughtred like poor Xabi Alonso was during the wc final by van bommel (the chest kick) and de jung (dirty tackels)

  12. Amber says:

    Lulz… Love the Rooney one.

    Funny that you should post something today about Sergio's choice of attire. Last night I had a dream about him. He was changing from one hideous (crocheted tan fade to dark brown sweater) outfit to another (those god-awful green pants). Apparently he can't even dress nice in my dream. There was more to my dream but I will not go into the scandalous details.

  13. CharlieGooner says:

    Lmao… Ahhh, I love Kickette… <3

  14. JNas says:

    Cashley'd – Adj. Horrible pain, similar to feeling as if you were shot.
    Usage: "I shouldn't have taken all those shots last night. My head feels Cashley'd".

    Torres – To go through a drought of some sort.
    Usage: "I'm haven't gone on a date in weeks. I'm going through a Torres."

    Fergie – To turn a bright shade of red
    Usage: "He was so embarrassed, his cheeks turned Fergie"

  15. Jade says:

    To Zidane: to headbutt

    To Suarez: to bite your opponent in a vampire fashion

    To Kuyt: to work the hardest of everyone but to be perpetually underrated

    "And then he totally got a Müller/Piquéton".

  16. Sarah, Madrid says:

    Ramos and Cristano, definitely read my mind about it I was scrolling down thinking about this and this.

    Hmm let me give it a try.. The most obvious one: " Why are you giving me a Villa " – can be replaced by Torres.

    " You got Arbeloa'ed "! ( You got Punked from his recent events of joking around with his grandma!).

    " Oh what an Xabi look you have on today!". ( Classy and elegant)

    " What is wrong with you! Are you having a balotelli? ". ( a crazy episode).

    " so, I was diercting my friend to reach a party the other day, but she kept on driving xavied her way and we ended up getting lost, never reached there ". ( as in her way is the only way to reach there)

    • Sarah, Madrid says:

      " My kid Cristanoed in the middle of his kindgergarden class I felt so embarrassed when his teacher told me about it" – reflecting on some of Cristano old tantrums.

      " My Soufflé keep on busqueting, I don't know how could I fix it".

    • mel says:

      Love the balotelli one, he's a character!! And an imbecile!

    • Sarah, Madrid says:

      Ok! Get 2 more.

      Perez: on his problem of never having enough stars in RM and end up stucking them up, " I Perezed up my closest, need to donate some to charity".

      Mourinho as ( verb): a verb as in complaining " I Mourinho about….." as a noun to describe a person that you hate but can't help it to admire also as in " You also got a Mourinho in your school too". describing the popular kid.

      I need to stop lol!

  17. Ashley says:

    You just got "De Jonged"

  18. Gina says:

    Absolutely hilarious. So here's all I can come up with for now:

    To "Marcelo": to celebrate with raised fists and a creepily happy face when you catch a lucky break: "She Marceloed after she nabbed those Louboutins in the sale".

    To pull a "Theo Janssen"/"Cassano": smoke, drink and curse all the time but still be the best: "He totally pulled a Theo Janssen/Cassano in the bar meeting last night".

  19. JA7 says:

    LOOOOL! Kickette, u are tooo funny!

  20. YvoYeungGirl says:

    Lol this is hilarious! These terms should make it into the dictionary at some point. I would be totally embarassed if I ‘sergio’ed anything XD. Love you gals!

  21. blitzenTO says:

    OOOH! I do love a challenge! Let’s see:

    A “Pique” – a prank, usually in poor taste: “I pulled a great Pique on my brother yesterday—I told all his friends he was adopted!”

    To “Ibra” someone – to lash out at a friend unexpectedly: “This black eye? I was talking to Susan yesterday and all of a sudden she Ibra-ed me right in the face! She’s crazy!”

    “Messi” – a superlative adjective: “Wow! You look absolutely Messi in that dress!”

    To “Xavi” – to be blunt to the point of insensitivity. “He asked me if I liked him and I Xavied him that I wasn’t interested. I mean, he’s no “victory for football”, if you know what I mean!”

    • blitzenTO says:

      Now you’ve got me going:

      “Torres” – an expensive flop: “I got this new android phone, but it’s turned out to be such a Torres!”

      To “Cannavaro” — to shrink: “You should buy that shirt in a bigger size, it’s bound to cannavaro when you wash it.”

      A “Luiz” – a dense, tangled mass: “My kitten got into my sewing basket and now everything is in such a luiz!”

      A “Wenger” — a mote in one’s eye, hampering vision: “I’m sorry, Officer, I swear I didn’t see that stop sign. I had a wenger in my eye!”

      A “Fabregas” – an impossible choice between two loves: “Both of these puppies are adorable, but I can only take one home. This is such a fabregas!”

      • @AgnesWonka says:

        lol "Shall i buy pig meat or chicken? I have a Fabregas!" lmfao!

      • GigiSantaCruz says:

        Wow! Someone at Kickette's HQ: Give this woman a job there! She's on fire!!
        My faves: "to Ibra someone" (LOL x 5) and "Messi" (LOL x 10)
        Girl, I laughed so hard that I cried!!! Here in Brazil, people use the expression "Não é uma Brastemp, mas…" (It's not a Brastemp, but… – Brastemp is a very good brand of appliances) to talk about something that's good but not the best … Now, thanks to you, I'll start a trend and say "It's not a Messi, but…"

      • Siv says:

        hahaha the Torres one is so going down in pop culture history

      • Alik says:

        My two bits to add to Kickette dictionary:)
        Tevez – to whine and complainall the time. "I am so tired of your tevezing all the time."
        Higuin – nice ass."Wow! you look absolutely higuin in those jeans"
        Chamakh – to apply too much hair product." Keep your hair natural, don't chamakh it too much."
        Kaka – to show deference to lord." I kakaed after winning the lottery."

    • LuvinBale says:

      I think they are all great but I think "Torres" and "Ibra" are my faves.

      There's a girl in my office that that everyone loves and i think she is a total Torres and she makes me want to pull an Ibra on her. Tru Fact!

      HAHAHA!!! Love it!

    • @AgnesWonka says:

      I agree with the "Piqué"!!!!

    • @DebStimson says:

      Messi would work, if it wasn't a homophone for "messy". If you were hearing that comment and not reading it, the person might think you mean "messy". "You look absolutely messy (sloppy) in that dress." That could create problems. ;)

      • davena says:

        in aMerica to be "bad" is used for good and "Mad" is used for very… i trust that fan girls can get the MoveMent started and pull it off

    • Carolina says:


  22. mel says:

    LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A Cristiano tan :D

  23. tapioca says:

    Piqué (noun) – to expose one's naked buttocks through paparazzo-friendly gap in hotel room curtains in order to shed self of last remaining shred of dignity. As in "Once the biscuit-haze has lifted he's going to regret that piqué!"

    Busquets (noun) – the act of clutching face after ball-to-below-waist contact (see also "Rivaldo").

    Roman (verb) – to be fired for not delivering the Champions League title, ie. "Ancelotti got romanned in double-quick time, despite doing the double last season"

  24. Thea says:

    Calling off an engagment is now 'Doing a Forlan'
    Gettng your post-pregancy figure back in weeks is 'Doing a Clancey'

  25. IrishBlue says:

    Great post but I can't take my eyes of Yoann, I've missed him around here lately in all his doe-eyed-hip-dipped glory….a few shots of him on the beach would go down pretty well I'm thinkin….

  26. Miss XOXO says:

    I can't stop laughing with the old lady statement for her daughter…Too confident and too funny…:-)))

  27. lolly says:

    Lampard already cheated (on ER) few times, so he can easily cheat in this relathionship too. Christine mum sounds stupid right now