June 23rd, 2011
Language Lunacy: A Kickette Interactive Game
We haven’t asked, but we doubt Ryan will be thrilled to find his name is being used as a parent deterrent. Images: Getty Images/Daylife, Reuters/Daylife
Our long-term aim to ruin our language by forcing the Oxford English Dictionary to accept terms like short-tent in their weighty tome is newly invigorated, Kickettes! And by none other than Christine Bleakley’s mum! Yes, Mina did her bit for the proposed collapse of coherant communication when she made a statement this week that she is pleased her daughter will be marrying Frank Lampard because ‘he’s no Giggs’.
This got us thinking.
Due to our hard work, footballers and their activities are now ubiquitous in modern culture, but why not exploit this familiarity by utilising their names as descriptors of the activities we associate them with? We don’t actually believe for one second that the OED will take a blind bit of notice (well, one of our staffers does, but she’s delusional at the best of times, so we generally leave her be) but it’s not the winning, it’s the taking part that matters.
We’ve had a few ideas to start you off, but have a go yourself. For funsies. We might even re-visit the best ones in a later post…
Usage: “Yeah, she can marry him. He’s no Giggs.”
Interpretation: ‘I am thrilled that my daughter Christine Bleakley is betrothed to popular Chelsea midfielder Frank Lampard. I don’t expect him to be exposed in the tabloids for conducting a sexual relationship with any existing family members or indeed the former cast of reality television programmes in the forseeable future.
Usage: “Cheers mate, but nah, can’t make it on Thursday. I’m ‘avin me Rooney done.”
Interpretation: ‘Thank you for your kind invitation, old bean. Unfortunately I’m unable to attend your function towards the end of the week as I will be attending a clinic whose advertising literature claims it can restore my hairline to it’s former glory.’
Usage: “I’m going out creeping tonight. Gimme the ’Gourcuff’ effect mascara.”
Interpretation: But I wish to attract the attentions of a nubile young football player this evening. I therefore have no time for inferior mascaras offering width, depth and height to my lashes. I want 3D implausibility and I want it now!
Booking a ‘Cristiano’
Usage: “But how long do I stay in for? The price list says: two minutes, five minutes, ten or Cristiano?”
Interpretation: ‘I am currently in my local tanning emporium. Should I go for a light, all over sun-kissed look, a deeper bronzed beach look or should I call my local fence primer firm and ask to be sponsored?’
Usage: “Um, you know that really expensive flower pot you asked me to carry? Er… I Sergio’d it.”
Interpretation: Unfortunately, whilst I was transporting your grandmother’s genuine Ming vase across to the auction house it inexplicably crashed to the floor in the middle of the road and was sadly run over by the No.93 bus. I may have been at the whiskey just prior to the event.’
To ’Sergio’ an outfit
Usage: “I thought about wearing these. Or do they ’Sergio’** my shirt?”
Interpretation: Well, my plan was to go to the important dinner dressed in these pants. But I’m curious as to whether they render all other clothing choices on the planet utterly meaningless and make women who would die to share just a moment of my time totally reconsider their taste in men?
**Can be substituted for ‘Guti’ in certain circumstances.
Hit it, Kickettes!