January 24th, 2012

Liverpool FC: Catalogue Critique

Images via ontd_football.

We really ought to stop over-analysing these club catalogues. It never makes us happy and, what’s the point anyway? They’re basically devices to get fans to buy branded merch, and as such, don’t need a shed load of money spent on them.

Still, they’re a good way of giving the office snark some exercise. Let’s amuse ourselves by assessing the latest offering from Liverpool FC for hidden meaning, shall we?

Luis Suarez In A Letter Jacket

What They Think They’re Saying: Despite his recent ‘issues’ we are proud to continue demonstrating our support of Luis by putting him on the cover of our exciting new catalogue.

What They Are Actually Saying: We’re really wishing our exciting new catalogue had gone to print later.

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Martin Skrtl In ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ shirt

WTTTS: As an LFC fan you are part of a movement, a culture, a legacy. Stand proud and strong.

WTAAS: No, seriously. You will never walk alone unless you buy this t-shirt. Martin Skrtl will forever be hiding in doorways and down dark alleys, ready to scare the crap out of you until you are a nervous wreck and buy the darn shirt just to make him go away.

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Jose Enrique In Club Crest Polo Shirt

WTTTS: I’m cool, I’m calm and I’m ready to represent my club.

WTAAS: I’m slightly uncomfortable because this picture makes me look like the kind of dude who hangs around in empty changing rooms. Which, let’s face it, is weird.

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Andy Carroll In Slightly Provocative Religious Statement Shirt

WTTTS: I care more than you can possibly imagine about this club. Once I get into my groove I’m going to be an Anfield legend and wearing a tee that brings an element of religious imagery to the proceedings can’t do any harm.

WTAAS: I really wish you hadn’t made me wear this. It isn’t as though my life is free from people making ‘hilarious’ gags about my current scoring drought. Adding a religious element to the proceedings isn’t going to help me.

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You can enjoy the rest of the LFC catalogue calamities over at ontd_football. They’re obviously braver than we are.

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24 Responses to “Liverpool FC: Catalogue Critique”

  1. misshelenasofia says:

    they're all ugly…

  2. Jocia says:

    Andy is HOT

  3. Eleanor says:

    Kickette should have definitely included the Jordan Henderson and Martin Kelly pages, damn Kelso looks good!
    plus, why shouldnt us liverpool fans agree with the 'anfield is our church' etc statement? some people look at football lots of different ways, and if youre committed for life like a lot of liverpool fans, its everything you believe in, therefor like a religion :-)

  4. Taz says:

    jose enrique is kind of the best of the bunch here despite his uncomfy facials and carrol: go on and atleast get yo herr did boy, you're in a magazine!

  5. DebS says:

    The comments are priceless as usual Kickette. Keep that snark coming! :)

  6. Agnes Wonka says:

    They look cool. Even Suarez looks good, and that's so difficult, he doesn't even look good on his Garnier ad :S

  7. IrishBlue says:

    Man Skrtel has amazing lips….

  8. Guest2 says:

    That letter jacket is fugly, but I like that you followed it with something pretty – Skrtl.

  9. Tracey Lawson says:

    I would NEVER send Martin away. He is bloody gorgeous!

  10. lexie says:

    oh, andy.

  11. April says:

    Oh, I see that FSG is really imparting their influence, even in the fashion. Y'all know that cover jacket Suarez is wearing may as well be a Red Sox jacket? I wouldn't mind if Red Sox and LFC shared the same colors. I still don't know what to think of them working out a deal with Warrior for their kits. I can't tell if it is a really smart decision, or a money-driven one without any thought to the players. I sure hope Warrior does some research on what is needed in a football/soccer kit. It isn't just fabric.

    Heck, maybe Kickette can submit their requested unitard kit ;)

  12. Little-Sumo says:

    Ok, I wouldn't mind if Skrtel waited for me and would never go away. Just saying…

  13. Alexxx says:

    Robbie Fowler is my God :)

  14. savannah says:

    He's the Jesus of not gettig goals!

    • April says:

      I was gonna make a joke about Torres worshipping at his throne, but that is just mean to the both of them. Aww. I kid, I kid, as anyone that reads my comments knows I'm being patient with Nando. Now, Andy- he's the LFC fans' player to deal with, but I did have a chuckle at your comment thanks to his appropriate hair.

    • Kat22 says:

      I really feel sorry for him. People constantly mention how Fernando's price tag has been hanging over his head since his transfer – same can certainly be said about Andy. It's not his fault Liverpool paid 35 million for him. I used to enjoy watching him play for Newcastle – it's a mistery.

      Maybe there is some truth to a comment a read a little while ago: Some players are meant to play for a certain club. It's like they just 'click'.

      • bri_saldana says:

        I know when I saw him play at Newcastle his pace and just about every facet of his play was intense…..to be honest I didn't like him. I don't think he really ever wanted to come to Liverpool. I don't dislike him for the team but I get frustrated because he was such a pain-in-the-a** threat when he was at Newcastle, now I can't figure out why he can't be effective. I think he's unhappy or something….

        • April says:

          He was a bit of a pawn in the Torres transfer.. even his former club speaks as though that is the case. That said, he agreed to it in the end… just unfortunate how that whole entire thing turned out now.

          • Kat22 says:

            That's exactly what I mean though!

            At the moment it sure looks like Carroll is supposed to play for Newcastle and Torres for Liverpool.

  15. Mara says:

    "Liverpool is our religion, Anfield is our church"

    I've come across some fans who took exactly this as their motto and that's not good, not good for any club! A football club is a football club!
    And this shirt Andy is wearing is just weird, I mean seriously…. Does LFC itself want us to think they are a sect now?

    • Sarah says:

      What does it matter anyway? It's just a metaphor. Some people believe in football that much. Like Shankly said, it can be 'bigger than life and death'. Is the word 'religion' sacred or something?

    • bri_saldana says:

      yeah this shirt has been around for a while