November 23rd, 2010

Manchester City: A Vision Of The Future?

Micah Richards looks on nervously as SWP sets the co-ordinates for Old Trafford. Images via mcfc.co.uk.

It’s frightening what a little money can do, Kickettes. Barely ten years ago, Manchester City were struggling in the third tier of English football, now the Kickette Investigative Committee (the ones we can locate, anyway) have unearthed evidence that they are spending their new found wealth on a devious plan to take over the world!**

Take a look at this frightening vision of the future, people. But be quick about it. We have no doubt that an elite strike force led by this man will shortly be infiltrating the Kickette office to prevent us from telling the truth about their plans.

It’s like 1984 crossed with a cheese and red wine-fueled nightmare, it really is.

The documentation that our heroic, Louboutin-clad operatives discovered states that every person in England will shortly be issued with a numbered blouse in the colours of Manchester City. Failure to wear said blouse is punishable by enforced lockdown in the Eastlands stadium where the offender will be subjected to repeated plays of ‘Blue Moon’ until they beg forgiveness or their ears burst, whichever comes first.

Joe Hart (above) is currently overseeing blouse preparation. And looking good doing it, we might add. (EDITOR’S NOTE: Except from this angle when it looks like he’s been shopping at the women’s section of the Gap.)

A further directive states that Saturday entertainment will include parading members of the Manchester United first team through the streets of Manchester in full City kit. They will be led by Sir Alex Ferguson, who will be wearing this hat.

Meanwhile, having made a small mistake with the co-ordinates, Shaun tries again, hoping no one will notice the large hole he has just blown in the side of the stadium at Eastlands.

Don’t believe us? Here’s Roberto Mancini with his hands on the button. If pressed, this button will release a noxious gas that will remove free will from every individual in the country. Every other football club in England will be forced to sell their players to the club and they will get paid lots of money to…. oh…er, actually this has already happened.

Our mistake.

**Actually, Micah Richards and Shaun Wright Philips were doing a bit of DJing at the launch of the new and fab CityStore in Manchester. Word has reached us that they were actually really good and spun a hot mix of R&B tunes. The following day, Roberto Mancini and Joe Hart officially opened the store and had a bash at some shirt printing. Nice work, lads.

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17 Responses to “Manchester City: A Vision Of The Future?”

  1. Winnie Mata says:

    OMFG! JOE HART! he gets hotter in every damn post!
    honestly i am so obsessed it's not even funny.
    what does a woman have to do to get on those genitals!?!?!

    anyways. i quite like Joe's fashion at times! (like this one)
    my boyfriend would NEVER wear a sweater like that!
    and considering the way other ballers i love (ahem, Sergio Ramos)
    i'll take this over green jeans and gladiator sandals any day!

    but seriously, can he get a global permit to just walk around naked?
    i'd love that.

  2. [...] Man City trying to take over the world. [Kickette] [...]

  3. Claire the Forest Fan says:

    Can just about imagine Sir Alex in a Man City Dappy hat…my die-hard Man U fan would die…urm…hard

  4. ManUnited4ever says:

    Come on you blues, come on you blues, just spend your money and always lose.

  5. Nora says:

    I'm pretty sure I own a cardigan almost exactly like the one Joe Hart is wearing… and I bought it at J Crew or something. Hmmmm now I'm just picturing him in drag.

    But anyway, if they're going to take over the world, they're going to need harem girls, right? I'd like to put in my application ASAP

  6. Michaella says:

    Uh oh if this was true, then I would resist, (unless Joe Hart isn't wearing and clothes, then I may mke an exception) as sky blue is sooo not my colour.

  7. Could Joe Hart get any hotter? Seriously, even with his terrible dress sense when that man smiles I swear I die a little inside…

  8. MissSarah says:

    Everybody must wear a City shirt. Forget 1984, that's like I Am Legend. Come to think of it, it wasn;t the vampires, it was the human population running away from Ciddy.
    Nah, great article. I've not commented here in freaking ages! I avoid the F5 dramallama.

  9. Sara P says:

    Love the writing….definitely what I needed on this sluggish day before the holidays!

    Love the editors note the most though….he fo sho looked like he was shopping in the women's department! lol! maybe he was desperate? or really cold??

  10. Taskeen says:

    Oh kickette! this post is exactly why I've missed you so during my month-long exam imposed exile!!
    you don't know the stamina it took to not follow the links on facebook or twiiter… For now I'm off to investigate the past month's happenings in the hilarious and hawt world of footy (and the finest 5 dramas!) …

    oh.. and I'm liking ol' Joe in that man-cardi-thing he's working

  11. BarceLisa says:

    I love it, never thought I'd see George Orwell references on Kickette (a man who hated football btw). Its still weird to think that City are the richest club in the world but until Jose Mourinho becomes their manager, I'm not losing any sleep over that fact.

  12. jellenp says:

    Joe Hart should be arrested for wearing that cardigan. OMG.

  13. Says_Who says:

    While I'm not crazy about SWP, I must admit that a DJing soccer player is quite hot.

    Once again, wonderful writing from the Kickette ladies *applauds*.

  14. senora ramos says:

    lol. sometimes i wonder about you ladies. that was really funny though :D