July 12th, 2011
Manuel Neuer: Festival Friendly?
Grappling with groundsheets. Does Manuel pass the Kickette Festival Challenge? Image: Getty Images/Daylife.
We must confess, we still haven’t got over the full horror that was the recent spate of fash fails and foolhardy fangirling from our Footballers & Festivals post. We might make out that we’re pretentious souls who avoid mud like it’s the plague, but some of our number rather enjoy getting their glamp on.
And while we’re self-sufficient in most regards, these things tend to be easier with a burly boyf on hand to fulfil every sordid whim.
Imagine our relief when close field observation of players in their natural environment threw up that very thing we desire most in the summer months - a footballer who may well be a perfect festival companion. Please follow us through this selection of photos of Manuel Neuer and tell us whether you think he’d be a useful accessory in the VIP area of a farmer’s field. Or do you have your own ideas about whose shoulders you’d like to be sitting on for Beyonce’s set?
It’s wrong to keep secrets, yo.
First things first, and this photograph demonstrates that Manuel looks great against a green background. This is vital for making a first impression at a festival. He will provide all of the support your fabulous image needs while you get on with cutting people dead in your wellies and working your way through the vast quantities of alcohol (for purchase or for free).
By the time you find your way back to the camping area, he will have figured out how to pitch the tent (lead image) too. You’ll be too drunk to care.
Seeing the mayhem unfold onstage is an essential part of the thrill of festivals, but can be problematic for the more diminutive Kickette. Manuel practices his squats every day, enabling him to provide sturdy shoulder support for several hours at a time. Or at least long enough to watch Amy Winehouse career about, then fall down.
Sometimes people get a little handsy in festival audiences. You can’t always predict when a great big idiot is hurling himself about as part of his specially prepared Slipknot dance routine. So what better deterrant than Manuel, who here proves he is more than capable of dealing with such matters, effortlessly hurling buffoons from your personal space.
Finally, and most importantly of all, Manuel is fully trained in interweb technology and social networking. While you’re busy trying to work out where you left your mobile phone/fruit beverage/sense of decorum, he will cheerily update your status. He might even include photos of your schmooze targets.
Not convinced? Maybe the idea of sharing a two person tent with this will swing it for you.