February 21st, 2011

Musings On Mangrabbing: A Kickette Special Feature

Xavi & Javi Martinez jostle for the ball. You would have to be a dangerous perv to think anything other than this is taking place in this picture. Okay?

Having a smutty mind is a formal requirement for anyone hoping to write for this esteemed publication. As well as a liver the size of a peanut, a comprehensive knowledge of bars that do ‘Happy Hour’ in the local area and a good lawyer, obviously.

But even those with far loftier ideals must admit that our favourite players in the European leagues have rather gone out of their way to provoke us this weekend. Whether they’re peering up each others’ shorts, indulging in inappropriate grabbing or simply making the most of an opportunity for a sneaky feel, it seems that ferocious manlove was a key theme.

Please peruse our selection of examples of man on man action and then let us know which player you would like to replace in the unlikely event that we were to come into sufficient funds to replicate these shots.

For scientific reasons, of course.

The Rearguard Action: Jonathan Tehoue & Denilson

Image: Getty Images/Zimbio

Um. Clearly, Jonathan Tehoue is a man who knows what he wants. And prior to scoring an equaliser for his Leyton Orient side against Arsenal in the FA Cup, he apparently wanted Denilson. Would it have killed you to put up a bit of a fight, Den-Den? Your struggling might have worn him out a little.

The Forward Mount: Everton’s Tim Howard & Jonny Heitinga

Image: Getty Images/Zimbio

Unlike the above image, it is less clear here who is the ‘grabber’ and who the ‘grabbee’. Both players seem happy to be indulging in this laddish jape, but the manlove trained vision of Kickette readers will instantly pick up the Heitinga’s tentative hand-on-thigh gesture; a sign that there might be more to this encounter than it first appears.

The CheekySneakPeek: Anderson & Dannie Bullman

Image: Getty Images/Zimbio

A sophisiticated move, which makes it all the more surprising that it was performed by a player from a non-league club. So please, sit back and admire the skill of Crawley Town’s Dannie Bullman, who used acrobatic guile to grab himself a glimpse of Anderson’s short tent. From the inside.

The Rear Mount: Sergio Canales & Iker Casillas

Much speculation as to the identity of the two players in this Real Madrid ‘mounting’; initial suspicion falling upon the Ramos for the position of protagonist. However, vindication for our resident and frequently derided ‘boot porn’ aficionado, who noted that Sergio plays in Nike. We *may* let her out of the broom cupboard for half an hour, to celebrate.

Meanwhile, we’re figuring no one apart from Canales would be interested in leaping upon Iker Casillas’ back and bringing him to a knee buckling collapse. Would they?

The Cramp Caress: Marco Donadel & Massimo Maccarone

Image: Getty Images/Zimbio

Usually kept within team boundaries, this is a highly effective method of copping a feel of a fellow player’s calf muscles while maintaining a manly facade. Here is Fiorentina’s Donadel breaking with tradition to ‘help’  Sampdoria’s Maccarone with his crampy calves. Other, less kind people, might describe this as foreplay.

Come on then, Kickettes. Drag your filthy minds from these photographs of athletes playing elite sport and tell us where you fit in, in the unlikely event we come into some money.

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40 Responses to “Musings On Mangrabbing: A Kickette Special Feature”

  1. irakli says:

    dzirs barca, fuck barca

  2. Let the staffer out for a breather! She was 100% spot on that The Ramos wears Nike Lasers, but she also missed that Iker wears Reebok not Adidas.

  3. Leya_S says:

    I wonder if the players see these pictures and laugh together? And on top of that, I wonder if they know just how much joy these pics bring legions of stalkers–I mean, fans?

  4. Kleon says:

    Xavi and Javi's pic is hillarious XD and Xavi looks so tiny!

    Canales seems having fun, poor boy, he's out of little-NT because he doesn't play D= Damn you Mou, you're ruining his career ò_ó

  5. BarceLisa says:

    Other than El Clasico, Barca vs Bilbao is the fixture I wish was played every week just because of the sheer amount of eye candy involved. And can we give a standing ovation to the photographers of world football? They are doing a great service to Kickettes everywhere (and they probably don't even know it!). Ok, now I'm gonna need a cold shower after looking at the top two pics.

    • ~Ang~ says:

      AMEN TO THAT!!!!!

      i agree with you …. 110%

    • Erasmia Kanaki says:

      Hear hear for the photographers who gave us these delicious piccies to bite into, but no cold showers for me girls, it's winter time in Europe….I'm loving the heat!!!! thank you Kickettes..

  6. BlackRose says:

    ok I'm horny.

  7. @AgnesWonka says:

    lol at Sergio and Iker….so hot!

  8. Erica says:

    This post is my new happy place.

    One thing though, that's Adan, not Iker, that Canales is mounting. I'd like to say I realized this because of another boot sponsor discrepancy (Iker is also not an Adidas boy, he wears Reebok like his gloves) but really I noticed it wasn't him because his lush ass is somewhat bigger than Antonio's.

    • cometorachel says:

      (aka eatmyboost)
      Reebok are owned by Adidas, and when Reebok pulled out of football to concentrate on their general fitness stuff, Iker became an Adidas baller. He still wears his Reebok gloves 'cos he likes to wear his gloves until they're worn out.

  9. LoveIsSpelled_I_K_E_R says:

    I can see how no one’s commenting on the Ramos/Casillas mount, the other pictures are more..how can I put it…dirty-mind-provoking.
    However none of those pictures provoke my (quite dirty) mind in visualizing anything but what it actually is, a battle for the ball(well maybe none but the Tehoue/Denilson pic. Have you seen the look on his face?!?! and those tigh muscles..omg)
    Uh-hum! Anyway…My heart and mind and body for that matter belong to Real Madrid exclusively. More specifically to Iker. I can’t help it!! I see the teeniest bit of any part of Iker and I forget all else…
    Ugh…

  10. @8VivaMegan6 says:

    Every time Bilbao and Barça play, Javi is all over Xavi. And he's just so much bigger than him! Xavi totes doesn't like it, but I def wouldn't mind taking Javi's place, I'm sure Xavi would like that much better :)

  11. gin_in_teacups says:

    Pervy puns about little Sergio and riding and…oh my… he's just a lovely young'un isn't he?

  12. C.C. says:

    Sorry, but the only think I can think of when I see that first picture is: "XAVI IS TINY!!" Javi looks like he would be twice as tall if they were both standing. =P

    • Don't.Speak says:

      I'm so glad that I'm not the only one who has noticed the height difference between Xavi and Javi Martinez! Just look at them. Even when Javi is bending over, he's still taller than Xavi! I can't help but love this picture.

    • ~Ang~ says:

      yea Xavi is 1.70 (5'7) and Javi is 1.90 (6'3) ….

  13. SergiouslyLoveRamos says:

    Uh, not to be a creep or anything, but I'm pretty sure that's Adan. Because Iker has neon green shoes :)

  14. Poppy says:

    OHH yes i want to swap with Iker or Canales both boys are in a good position!!
    I like to ride Iker:)

  15. Leá says:

    I would give anything to have a front shot of Baby Sergio and Iker's picture. I bet Iker's face is bitchface to the extreme.

  16. Deanna says:

    I wanted to see some Hughes on Hart action, Kickette! I can offhand think of 3 times Hughes was all over Hart and I think there are actually 5 total in the game. It was ADORABLE. Everyone deserves to see it!

    Although I like the Denilson photo. hehehehehe

  17. Tara says:

    The first picture is definitely the best! Xavi looks like he's trying to take a bite out of Javi's leg! hilariouss

  18. Alia says:

    I wouldnt mind if Canales jumped my bones –err jumped on me in a bone crippling hug

  19. [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by kickette, xjennaefcx, gillyboro, Rei C., ☆ fernanda and others. ☆ fernanda said: RT @kickette: We love footy manlove. Especially the "Forward Mount". You? http://bit.ly/fBYep8 [...]

  20. Ida says:

    That first picture isn't good for my perverted mind, not at all o.O

  21. MadridistaJenn says:

    This is so weird. I've often had dreams where I was in some of these very same scenarios. Kickette has invaded my dreams and I thank you!

  22. Devilish-x says:

    Hehe, I cannot stop giggling at that first pik!
    I always wonder if the players involved in the posts ever happen to come across kickette.com & see the pages that are dedicated to them..? :)

    • Lashes says:

      Completely agree with you, and as a dane it got a hold lot more fun as the word pik means dick in danish (We're on Kickette that kind of maturity level is allowed!)

  23. Alexandria Samuel says:

    Enter text right here!

  24. Marie says:

    I would swap with either man in the first pic! On second thought wouldn't mind swapping positions with the football either, smack between the two.

    (This only increases my wish of seeing a team made only of Xaviers/javiers)

    • C.C. says:

      A team of Xaviers/Javiers?!
      I thought I was the only one who wished similar things! Personally, I've always wanted a team of all Martinezs, but this Xavier/Javier team sounds amazing. If Xabiers are also included, natch. ;)

      • Marie says:

        This team would be smokin hot!

        And the best thing abt this site is that any weird fantasy you have, you can be sure to have company!

  25. Lotte (Zlatanista) says:

    I might just come back to comment some more, but for the time being let me just say this: Xavi's hand is definitely on the wrong butt!! I'm right here!

  26. blitzenTO says:

    That Xavi/Javi picture is amazing! I can't decide if I would rather be Xavi's left hand or Javi's knee!

  27. SoccerrLoverrr says:

    The thought of being grabbed by footballers is one of my wildest fantasies coming true..do me a favour javi martinez and grab me instead of xavii ;)