December 5th, 2007

Off the List: Florent Malouda


Dear Mr. Malouda,

The Kickette Finest Five list is no place for those who whinge, complain or generally appear to be a big girl about things, and so we bid you adieu.  But not your abs. Your abs will live on in our memories for at least another five, maybe six minutes.

Sincerely not yours,

Stepping in to replace you in the number 4 spot will be the delectable Xabi Alonso.

As for you down there in the number 5 spot – Kasper? We’re totally bored of you now, mate.  Consider yourself in the danger zone: the only thing keeping you in at this point is the blonde hair. And that’s simply because we need to mix it up, you know?

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51 Responses to “Off the List: Florent Malouda”

  1. He became one of the highly-rated players in French football, winning his first full international cap on November 17, 2004 against Poland.

  2. anon says:

    do we always have to be/sound so frustrated? it’s obvious that Ed did not want to discuss the dismal affair of today. you _know_ that he will do a review tomorrow. would it have killed you to wait until tomorrow to make that entry. you are not the only one who suffers; please spare a thought of his wounds before you let your salt fly.

  3. mold removal says:

    While Malouda appears to be a big whiner with his comments, I think Xabi Alonso and Steven Gerrard both look like bland-faced twins. But I won’t object to anyone else’s choices, as I don’t run the site.

  4. saintc says:

    dearest ink,

    you were vindicated: you won. it was rather silly of me to insinuate the presence or absence of “le regard” to mean anything. ink does, of course. now that you know all about the undignified, cosmetics obsessed, colour blind, spinning out of control L/b/B with high maintenance hair, i would greatly appreciate it if you could please stop the creeping/stalking/hating.

    your schooled pupil,
    the L/b/B

  5. anon says:

    Did you really believe it was about ceru/exercise/smoking or the camp comments from yesterday? It was about getting the proof to confirm that someone had not only cross referenced my posts from 2/5 but had gone so far as to creep behind me on several different boards. I will assume that your engaging in Internet bullying is not a one off. That is your problem, but I will not make it mine.

  6. anon says:

    toilets are not hygienic and this makes you a very filthy hammer

  7. i am sorry, but i have to totally disagree with you on this one Kickette. this is the first time i have ever read an entry and actually gotten mad. Do you actually believe that everything Malouda said was wrong? are the english not open to admitting that the things he is ranting about come off as positively third worldish? or do you think these third world scenarios he mentions are acceptable?

  8. Rusty says:

    While Malouda appears to be a big whiner with his comments, I think Xabi Alonso and Steven Gerrard both look like bland-faced twins. But I won’t object to anyone else’s choices, as I don’t run the site.

  9. LFCgal says:

    The Fourth Official: I agree, he comnes across as a nice lad, and the picture for the front cover of his autobiography cover is rather nice

    best piccies of fernando are from his liverpool press conf, dang, I was a convert for life when I saw them, and bought a paper with a massive picture of him from the conf just for the piccy!

    kickette dahlink, get to work (if that’s even the right word) finding some of those please!

    as for xabi – *sigh* my first baller crush…all we need is Luis Garcia in the list and C-Rodent to be shoved off – I volunteer to do the shoving. to put it politely

    ‘I do however adore the very ground Xabi walks on, the air he breathes, the sexy, deep, longing gazes, the almost breathless voice, the skill on the pitch, the head-ducking, blushing modesty, the man is walking sex. He could be the inspiration for some serious’

    ROBYN – girl, you deserve like a rich baller for that, BEST. POST. EVER. I worhip the ground you walk on for writing that!! AND I adore your name, and you are a red…basically I want to have your babies <img src="; width="19" height="19" alt="smile" style="border:0;" />

    kickette, my net died so I’ve had to ween myself off this site, and now I’ve come back to a million new articles, which includes nando, a vaguely attractive piccy of stevie in a suit, many more deliciously narky comments, a jaw-dropping, brain-numbing WOWZER piccy of becks and now this – you’ve just made my christmas – all hail kickette!

  10. Amanda says:

    i dont understand how some people object to Xabi’s inlcusion. i REALLY REALLY don’t. someone enlighten me.

    it’s XABI for f*ck’s sake! how can you not see the perfection that he is???


    Yay, Xabi!

  11. Gabieee says:

    FINALLY! xabiii!!
    on my list though, he’s NUMBER 1. >:)
    he’s the hottest footballer alive, and if you guys are considering a new blondie why not Fernando Torres? I’m also a bit shocked no Italian is on your list when THE WHOLE ITALIAN NT MODELS FOR D&G;UNDERWEAR. XD

  12. The Fourth Official says:

    Here’s the thing about Peter Crouch, because I really want to like him (even though he plays for Liverpool – I think he’s an asset to the England squad, which is paramount in my mind).  His face is very pleasant, and I believe he actually owns a brain, which is more than one can say about some footballers, but he is just so gangly and herky-jerky and awkward-looking.  Imagining him in bed reminds me of Susan Sarandon’s quote in the film “Bull Durham”:  “He f**ks like he pitches – sorta all over the place.“

  13. uneditedmara says:

    *bows to to worship my home-made Xabi shrine*

  14. Emma says:

    @ The Fourth Official:

    That’s quite nice what you said about him. (I’ve heard a LOT worse!)

    He does have a really nice face, and I know he’s all gangly, but I still love him! :D

    And yes, he is a HUGE asset to England, imo, he should always start. Maybe if that had happened, we would have qualified. :(

  15. carly says:

    No, no, not Xavi…no :(

    Oh well, I’ll live.

  16. April says:

    Yay Xabi!

  17. Laurie says:

    I cry foul!  I’m going to make it my personal mission to somehow come up with a copy of that article and provide you with an actual translation that gets him back on the list. 

    Massaer at The Offside says he’ll be scanning it for Inara and me. 

    You have not heard the end of this topic from me, Miss V!

  18. michelle TN says:

    Not to cause a ruckus, but am I the only one who disagrees with the inclusion of Xavi Alonso?  I don’t see it.  However, I do appreciate the mixing up of the finest five.  That always calls for exciting times!

  19. Cate says:

    Yes, life is so simple in France.

    Unless they have to work two and a half extra years before retirement.

    Then it’s very very bad.

  20. emmetbeth says:

    Guys, that link doesnt even tell the half of it, here is one with more details:,,2221…

    He moaned about the lack of chelsea sending him a private jet after international duty (poor poppet!). He moans about his phone, he moans about the traffic. He also said at some point something random like “if i want to take my kids on a walk i have to hire a big car” which i didnt quite get but was also a moan.

    Am glad he is off the list…i hardly think his lifestyle is anything to complain about!

  21. Amelie says:

    bueno! good move! but reading the comments here, not everyone is convinced, so I suggest a picture heavy celebration to justify his inclusion. May I suggest the black and white topless one would be an excellent start…

    (and thank you for kicking out Malouda…he may have been right in his comments slagging off chelski fc but he’s a whiner and a diver – NOT very attractive)

  22. ballack's missi says:

    disclaimer: i support a mad, german ‘keeper.

    i’d have to agree that those statements were probably taken out of context or the result of a poor translation.

    so while i’m not sure why he felt compelled to say so (needled by a journalist?), does this make his statements false?

    knickers, twist, etc.

  23. kaya says:

    My guess is that saraaaaah has got a point even though I haven’t read this particular interview in the “version originale”. It’s bad enough when the press takes things out of context, but combine that l33t babelfish translation skillz and you no longer have useful information.
    In all seriousness, *cough, cough*, this list is seriously lacking some chocolate or anything besides some mild, cinnamon mediterranean flavor. – regardless, Malouda was never particularly fine chocolate IMO.
    (nonetheless way finer than some of the replacement suggestions… no grand objections to Xabi, but seriously…. Crouch??? Are you mad???)

  24. Sarah x says:

    Glad Malouda’s Off I Never Really Liked Him To Be Honest <img src="; width="19" height="19" alt="raspberry" style="border:0;" />
    Kasper.. Urgent Meddage.. Do Something Interesting!

  25. Tammyv says:


    I am all about Czech right now: Petr, David Rozehnal, and Tomas Rosicky. That is quite the talented hottie team

  26. MrsJamieRedknapp says:

    Yay for Xabi.  Personally I think he should have been on the list right from the start, but well done Kickette for finally including him.

  27. MrsXabiAlonso says:

    XABI ALONSO *clap, clap, clap, clap clap*
    As you can guess from my name I LOVE Xabi, he has been my man of the moment since he came to Liverpool and he will be for-ev-a!!!

    And if we getting rid of Baby Kasper can I make a case for Micheal Owen??! He gets hotter every day!!
    Actually id be happy with anyone other than Fat Lamps, really lost the Lamps love lately Sorry!!

  28. Emma says:

    Petr Cech is seriously fine. He’s a real man, plus, according to YouTube clips I’ve seen, he’s quite an intellectual one as well (the man is well versed in his Jean-Paul Sartre!!!). Plus, it doesn’t hurt that he’s the best goalie in the world, eh?

    Seeing as my England are out of Euro ‘08 (no Crouchie :( ) I’ll be supporting Netherlands for Robben, Czech Republic for Petr and Spain for Nando now.

  29. saraaah says:

    naaah…u guyz….u should have watched what he said they translated in a wrong way….da english mediaa was so wrong….

    maloudaaaaa is soo hot he should stay…damnnn he is sooo fineeee….

  30. Emma says:

    Yeah, who does he think he is? I’m a Chelsea fan but he needs to shut his trap, London’s lovely and I can’t wait to go to Imperial or LSE next year (god willing I get the grades) just so that I can live in the culture capital of the world.

    As for replacements for Mr. Malouda, may I suggest:
    Peter Crouch,
    Arjen Robben,
    Frank Lampard,
    Petr Cech,
    or my latest lovely, Nando Torres? Although he’s probably underage.

  31. laura says:

    Glad Maloudas gone. I never liked him anyway.
    Xabi’s a much better choice IMO.

    Aaaw I like Kasper.

  32. brandy says:

    Moan and wince and moan some more! UGH – complaining is so unattractive, especially when you are living the golden life. Totally taking the piss.

    Not sure WTF he is talking about life being simple in France. I lived there for 7 years and believe me there is not a 24 hour turn around to have a phone, or anything installed. I had no hot water for 3 weeks before they finally sent a plumber around.

    So boo hoo Malouda. Go wipe off your tears about how much life in England sucks with your GBPs.

  33. kaya says:

    Hehe. You guys are funny.
    You know, Malouda might very well be a spoiled brat… but the only thing he supposedly complains about that I disagree with is the charter plane thing. With Chelski’s pocketbook, however, I suspect there’s a deeper story… like maybe he was in fact complaining about JT getting special treatment by Abramovich.
    But the brainless thing… come on, he’s completely right! And games are so hard on the (starting) players that it’s against common sense to go “all out” in the training sessions. Try playing PES in team management mode and you’ll see what I mean <img src="; width="19" height="19" alt="wink" style="border:0;" />
    And the diet thing… Seriously, look at what the majority of english players do when they’re not practicing or playing… they get completely wasted in public. It’s not just embarassing, it’s ruining their potential form. The english players have always impressed in their failure to approach the game with professionalism.
    So take off Malouda if you don’t find him fine, but don’t take him off the list for pointing out the truth!

  34. tammyv says:

    Petr Cech for the Kasper replacement – he is a hot, tall, seriously talented blond GK.  Bye-bye baby and hello Mr Man.

  35. LoveLamps says:

    Why not replace him with another Blues player and finally give my Frank the love he deserves?!?!  I’m starting another campaign. . . . .

  36. RedGirl says:

    I knew Florent wouldn’t last in the Finest Five!! Xabi replacing him is a very good choice <img src="; width="19" height="19" alt="wink" style="border:0;" />

    But I have a question: Now that Kasper is on thin ice… Who should take his place??

  37. SuzyQ says:

    No! I think Florent should stay.. he’s quite cute…
    to anon -I wouldn’t get P-O’d about Kickette’s motivations, hell she’s just looking for an excuse to give him the axe. God forbid Cesc parts his hair the wrong way he’ll be next! hee hee
    I do want to make a case for Kasper’s removal… SO over him.

  38. freddiegirl says:

    Sorry guys, I kinda agree with what he says.  I remember ex-Arsenal skipper Tony Adams saying he was grateful to Arsene Wenger and his training methods and nutritional programs because it extended his career by several years.  All the players made fun but they appreciated it later.  Nutrition can play a huge part in keeping you healthy and fit…(Freddie Ljungberg, my dearest love; are you listening over there at West Ham????) 

    Now as to wether or not he is ‘hot’ enough to be in the Finest Five I’ll leave up to the rest of you…..<img src="; width="19" height="19" alt="smile" style="border:0;" />

  39. robin says:

    Malouda is SO outta here!!! Never found him attractive anyways.
    I do however adore the very ground Xabi walks on, the air he breathes, the sexy, deep, longing gazes, the almost breathless voice, the skill on the pitch, the head-ducking, blushing modesty, the man is walking sex. He could be the inspiration for some serious bodice rippers, the dark Spaniard who is sensitive and kind but also deadly with his sword. Ahem.
    In other words, I’m delighted Xabi has been promoted (and can’t wait for him to be fit). May we have more pictures now?

  40. brandy says:

    Buh-bye Florent! About bloomin’ time too! I knew my Kickette would come to her senses and take those champagne-goggles off lol <img src="; width="19" height="19" alt="wink" style="border:0;" />

    And yes, let us find a new blondie for the number 5 spot. So over Kasper! I know he is not blonde, but can anyone argue against Mutu being in our Finest Five?!?!?

  41. anon says:

    i am sorry, but i have to totally disagree with you on this one Kickette. this is the first time i have ever read an entry and actually gotten mad. Do you actually believe that everything Malouda said was wrong? are the english not open to admitting that the things he is ranting about come off as positively third worldish? or do you think these third world scenarios he mentions are acceptable?

    every time i visit/live in one of the scandinavian countries, holland or even germany, i ask myself, ‘what are the english and americans celebrating/so proud of? these countries seem positively provincial and not so far away from the third world. having had to deal with most of the issues he addressed in his rant, i cannot help but feel angry about the facade that is presented to the world by some of the “first world” countries.

    this is one that is definitely on par with Drogba’s out spoken stance: money cannot hide the awful truth.

  42. Cate says:

    You can have a glance in one LJ entry:

    Alright, that’s it. HOW MANY PEOPLE HERE ARE SPAWN OF LJ?!

    And, dear Kickette, it is Alonso. Pas de ‘Z’.

  43. Beccca ? says:

    I THink Hes Alot Better Then Malouda.
    Dya Who i Would Like on There Though.. Frank Lampard And Joe Hart smile

  44. Johnna says:

    I think if you read the comments to that article, you realize that alot of things were lost in translation.. as they often are with the British media.

  45. dani says:

    i agree wit alonso but i totally dont agree tammy i love stevie g hes fit and so is torres so it isnt just xabi hu is good looking from liverpool actually harry kewell is guud looking too !

  46. ellen says:

    Cheers, Kickette! Xabier is fit. ♥

    By the way, Kickette, I really recommend you get a copy of Gigolo Armani Special Edition for World Cup 2006. Xabi, Kaka and other footballers are so gorgeous in it smile You can have a glance in one LJ entry:

  47. The Fourth Official says:

    I don’t mind the nose, actually.  He’s sort of got a Matt Damon Irish snub-nosed thing going on.  Actually, come to think of it, that’s my *brother’s* nose.  <img src="; width="19" height="19" alt="big surprise" style="border:0;" />
    Anyway, Kickette – it’s always good to shake things up – keep ‘em on their toes.  Actually, at the moment I’m sort of crushing on Nemanja Vidic – how weird is *that*?????  I think I’ve seen “Eastern Promises” too many times.  Hard Eastern-bloc guys are sort of hot.

  48. Paula says:

    Maluda had to go. You can’t complain about all things English and then pocket 50,000 English sov’s paid for by your English club, subsidized by English season ticket holders. Selfish idiot.

  49. tammyv says:

    It had to be done darlings.. He had a good run but Xabi is a stud and god the only pretty thing in Liverpool!  (I know Stevie G lovers, I know you disagree)

    Kasper, needs to go, he has been loaned out to Championship team.  He has to be gone

  50. Katie says:

    YAY Kickette!  Hearing that my dear Xabi is FINALLY on the Top 5 list made my day! But I must say, I think his nose is quite adorable!  Looking at it at some angles makes it look bigger…but in general, it’s a very cute nose.  Complete package if you ask me!

  51. The Fourth Official says:

    I just realized that I used “actually” 3 times and “sort of” twice in my previous post.  That’s what happens to educated literate women when asked to opine on baller hotness.