April 3rd, 2007

Victoria Beckham Takes Flight

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Still handling the well-timed paparazzi invasion like a pro, Victoria Beckham took to the skies yesterday to do some ski para gliding.

She’s in Courchevel, France, a long-time family favourite for vacations.  Her father, Tony and oldest son Brooklyn have joined her.

Important detail: Victoria is wearing Chanel skis.

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In other news, David fixed his hair.

Beckham explained to GMTV why it happened:

“Well, I needed a change.  I think I’ve had the same haircut for two years now and I was getting slightly bored. You know it’s part of something that I do”.

Sometimes we have to sit back and think: we’re changing the world with our intellectually challenging, life changing reportage on key events happening worldwide.

Thanks to Cate for the David hair tip.

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April 3rd, 2007

Off the Market: John Terry

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photo: rex
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It’s time to break out those romance novels and candy hearts, Kickettes, the summer of love is rapidly approaching. 

Or, alternatively, you could say the summer of pre-nuptials, tacky hats and selling images of your love to the tabloids for millions of pounds is nigh.

Michael Carrick, Steven Gerrard and Gary Neville are all getting married on June 16. 

No, not to each other you silly ninnies. 

Perhaps we missed the news piece on why exactly June 16 is such a romantic day in the calendar.  It may have something to do with the fact that the football season is 900 weeks long and there are very few Saturdays available to do the deed, but ‘tis strange indeed.

Anyhoo, Chelsea’s John Terry and his long-time fianc

April 2nd, 2007

Coleen McLoughlin’s 21st: Chavtastic Fantastic

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imageColeen McLoughlin’s 21st birthday party was a special, special night.  It was an evening for all chavs, D-list celebrities and hangers on to break out in their best party frocks and revel in a haze of Malibu & Coke, taffeta dresses and bouffant hair-dos.

Here’s the bulleted breakdown of events:

- Arriving guests were greeted by a wide variety of over-paid freaks and geeks, including jugglers and stilt walkers dressed as Cruella De Vil from 101 Dalmatians.  There were large circus tent marquees and fun fair rides.  Ten huge photos of Coleen hung from the ceiling, decorated with fluorescent butterflies.

- Jealous yet?

- Coleen provided buses as transport for her friends and family to get to the party. 

- Celebrity guests were driven in Audis.

- No comment on how pissed we would be if we were blood-related and had to watch Abi Clancy flash her knickers getting out of an Audi from the window of the polyester-seated coach we were shunted on.

- Contrary to insane rumours of Diddy performing at the party, the music was provided by the Sugababes.

- At the end of the party, guests were given individual sugar cakes with Coleen’s face imprinted on them. 

- Good thing Victoria Beckham wasn’t there, as we’re quite sure she doesn’t eat cake.  And definitely not cake with Coleen’s smiling mug on it.

- Side note: the image of Coleen is the same one from the cover of her book, Welcome To My World.

- Speaking of Victoria, she – along with many other invited A-listers – snubbed the party, instead hitting the slopes in a Chanel ski suit.

image- Let’s run through the list of no-shows, shall we?  Sienna Miller, Elen Rives and Frank Lampard, David and Victoria Beckham, Ashley and Cheryl Cole – even Atomic Kitten didn’t come.

- When the day comes that Atomic Kitten turn down your invitations, it’s time to find a nice cottage in the country and start a new life rearing sheep and knitting woolly jumpers.

- There were a few decent guests, other than the circus performers: Leo Ferdinand, Cristiano Ronaldo, Alex Curran and Steven Gerrard, Michael and Louise Owen.
- The real star guests were the relations.  For example, Coleen’s cousin Carly and Wayne Rooney’s brother Graham (Graeme?) (Anyone?) (Bueller?) came together.  They’re like a poor man’s Coleen and Wayne.  Well, more like a random crackhead’s Coleen and Wayne, but let’s not split hairs.

- The vintage champers was left untouched, but the Bacardi Breezers and lager tops went down a treat.  By 4am, 99% of the guests were drunk off their asses and falling down.  And then getting up.  And falling down again.

- Wayne Rooney, part of the drunken falling down crew was announcing to all who would listen how much he loved Coleen and how amazing she looked. 

- A few of Coleen’s boozed up mates decided to flash their breasts at random guests, and there was a catfight/punch up on the dancefloor.  Presumably between rival breast-flashers, but we can’t confirm this.

image: wireimage
image- Let us not forget, at Coleen’s 18th birthday bash, Wayne’s uncle Eugene – a former boxer – got in a fight with Wayne’s father. 
You can’t make this kind of ish up, good people.

- Coleen wore Amanda Wakely and rights to the photos were sold to Hello! Magazine.

April 2nd, 2007

Monday Madness

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It’s a Monday full of debaucherous news and announcements Kickettes. 

We’ve lots to tell you about: John Terry is getting married this summer, Coleen’s 21st “circus” party took chav spectacle to a new level, Michaela Henderson-Tynne has a new man, and Theo Walcott bought a car.

Just give us a minute – or sixty – to sort a hosting problem out, and we’ll tell you all about it.  In the meantime, please curse the non-gods of computer technology that keep us from bringing you such important news.

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March 30th, 2007

The Friday Fit: Adrian Mutu

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At one point we knew which club Mr. Mutu played for.  At one point, we cared about such things. 

We also seem to remember he had some sort of drug scandal followed by an Italian football drama, but for all we know, it could have been a storyline on a Footballers’ Wives repeat that we watched at 4 am after stumbling in from another night of gossip trawling, footballer stalking and champagne guzzling.

imageWe know one thing about Mr. Mutu. He’s easy on the eyes.  Alas, he’s been off the market for over a year and a half.  He got married in July ‘05 in a lavish ceremony with some serious wedding gifts. 

If you’re going to go down the matrimonial motorway, take some tips from Mr. Mutu and his wife, model Consuelo Matos Gomez.  They were given presents worth over