January 15th, 2007

Victoria Beckham Screwed: In quotes

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image: rex features
Now that the diamond dust is settling on the big LA move, we’re sort of thinking Victoria is screwed. Aside from the pressure of converting to Scientology by Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise, she’s got the following to contend with:

1. Playboy playmates would like to have a photo shoot with her. And hang with her husband.

One of Hef’s main girls, Bridget Marquardt said: “She should do a pictorial with us. We’ve got big plans for her. I think she’s going to fit in fine – they’re both gorgeous.“

And Hugh Hefner, Playboy founder said: “I think Hollywood is gonna love him [David]. The girls at the mansion have been talking about it and want to be sure that we put him on the party list.“

Er, Victoria? Take it from us. You do not want David kicking it at the Playboy mansion. Under any circumstances. Even if you were trapped at the photoshoot with wrinkly old Hef breathing down your neck, wrapped in a maribou-trimmed feather boa that was on fire, you still wouldn’t want David entering the building. Or even approaching the gate. Nuh-uh.

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January 15th, 2007

welcome to the club: Gemma Atkinson

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Oh we give up.

When we first heard rumours that Cristiano Ronaldo was dating Hollyoaks actress Gemma Atkinson we tittered cynically into our daiquiris and rolled our eyes. As if.

We haven’t watched Hollyoaks since, well, never. And she’s cute, but… not that cute, right? This is the C-dog we’re talking about.

But yet, once again, we’ve been shown that we don’t know squat about anything. We think we do, but we do not.

Cristiano and Gemma have been dating after they met at a party in Manchester. She’s “very happy” with how things have been going. “I don’t have a thing for footballers,“ she’s insisted. Hmmm. Didn’t she used to go out with Marcus Bent a la Charlton?

Sony BMG has just offered her a record contract. She’s had a well-publicised boob job. She does boxing training.

Gah.

To finish, after she said that she understood why other women might be jealous of her relationship with Cristiano, Gemma added, “They do have great bodies though!“

Honey, you’re preaching to the choir in the church that we built.

Link: Gemma Atkinson Official Site

Link: Hollyoaks Babe – Ron’s My Gem

January 14th, 2007

beck talk: LA

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image: retna

Since David Beckham officially told the world his plans to move to California and play for $1 million a week whilst basking in the attention of sun-tanned beach bunnies eager to fawn over his accent and thighs of thunder, we’ve been feeling a sense of ennui. A bittersweet feeling we can’t quite put our finger on.

We love that David will grace the American tabloids and the A-list party scene with his golden balls. We know the Americans won’t be able to resist his sizeable pocket money, his celebrity status and his looks.

Oh yeah, and the football.

We also think the Americans will welcome David and Victoria’s lifestyle with open arms and we won’t hear as much about his “brand Beckham” exploits as we do in the UK. Just the thought of seeing all those pap shots of Victoria shopping on Rodeo Drive and/or David always in shorts due to the climate has us in a tizy.

Yet something just doesn’t sit entirely right with us. Six months ago Becks was captaining his country in the World Cup and now he’s going to play for the LA Galaxy? Pardon? Real Madrid coach Fabio Capello has said David will not play again for the team, so we won’t even be seeing him on the pitch for several months.

Even though he’s got a big pay day and will bring a lot of attention to the sport in the US and Canada, it still seems like Mr. B is going out mediocre, not on top. And as you all know, dear Kickettes, we always prefer David on top.

*nudge nudge wink wink*

For now, we’ll have to settle for watching/rewinding this video 8 million times to the bit where he says, “that’s what excites me…“

Link: A Look At Beckham’s Career
Link: Real Madrid Leave Beckham Out In The Cold
Link: Beckham’s Escape to LA: The First Reaction

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January 9th, 2007

WTF Files: The Chia Beckham

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There are no words to describe this product. We’re not being sarcastic – the website selling this contraption isn’t in a language that our computer can recognize.

What we do know for sure is this: it’s a David Beckham chia pet.

You open the head, pour in the seeds, add water, and enjoy a lovely botanical treat for your home.

Being immortalised as a chia pet is a level of success rarely attained in life, no?  We are witnessing something truly larger than life.

Now, let us never speak of this again.

Link: David Beckham Chia

January 8th, 2007

Danielle Lloyd: cute and annoyingly annoying

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image: bruno
Danielle Lloyd is starting to work our last nerve.

Remember how that happened with whatsherface Clancy? Well it’s happening again.

But herein lies the problem: she’s so damn cute we are struggling to bring out the hateration just yet. (Yes. We said “hateration”. It was necessary.)

As we all know, she’s dating Teddy Sheringham, she got her perky 23-year-old butt booted from her duties as Miss Great Britain, and now she’s gracing the screens of the nation with her exploits on Celebrity Big Brother UK.

Let’s take this to a bulleted examination of the further evidence:

- As mentioned above, Danielle won Miss Great Britain in Feb 2007. She ran her mouth to the press about how Teddy S (one of the judges of the pageant) gave her a

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