November 21st, 2006

baby watch: elen rives


Frank Lampard and Elen Rives are expecting a baby in June 2007.

Last year, Elen gave birth to their daughter, Luna, at the exclusive private Portland Hospital in London, by C-section.

Here’s what we’re wondering:

1. When is this dude going to make a semi-honest woman of Elen and marry her? We need, nay, we crave footy weddings like crackheads need the rock. So come on Frank, pass us the damn pipe and get married already.

2. Will Elen be going for the Portland Hospital special service, that has a catchy nickname similar to a footy film from a few years ago?

We’ll call it the MILB. Not familiar?

It’s the perfect service for those newly pregnant ladies who have to preserve their sexy by any means necessary. Because, God forbid if you were to get, you know, fat and all or whatever.

Here’s what happens: Early on in the pregnancy, surgeons remove any breast implants (so to avoid skin stretching/sagging when natural breasts increase in size). To avoid the risk of stretch marks, about a month to 6 weeks before the baby is officially due, a C-section and tummy tuck is performed, and new implants are put back in.

Or so we’ve been told.

Kinda makes you think about all those gals who have their babies early, and by C-section due to mysterious complications, and then appear bikini ready just weeks later.

November 21st, 2006

Djbril and Jude: Old Love Rules


image: getty

There is still hope you mouldy oldies over the age of twenty-one.

Case in point: Djibril Cisse and wife Jude Littler. She’s thirty. She used to be a hairdressing “consultant” and she’s from some island off the coast of Wales. They got married in 2005 at Bodelwyddan Castle, with a host of footy guests: Theirry Henry, Zizou, etc.

One minor thing, though: he sort of beat the crap out of her when she was pregnant (allegedly*). He was given a caution and they lived happily ever after.

But if you can get over that, you’re in.

*On a seperate note, how great is the word, “allegedly”? It’s like a magic eraser phrase that says, “don’t sue” so nicely.

November 21st, 2006

WTF Files: The Beckhams


So, we go away for one week, just one tiny week, and we miss this?

We’re not even gonna go there with Mrs. B. We’re not even gonna talk about her situ.

As for you, David? We love you, you know that we do.

But we are only human.

If you cut us, do we not bleed? If the wind blows, does it not mess up our hair?

If you dress in a reindeer/horse sweater that ties at the waist, it bleeds and blows, D. It bleeds and blows.

November 21st, 2006

the stalker files: cristiano ronaldo


Hot ass Cristiano Ronaldo has a stalker. We’re thinking it unusual this is only his first – surely a man with such thighs deserves at least 3 or 4 crazies. But no, just some random model-type from Holland who thinks that she’s the “love of his life”.

Don’t we all, luv.

So many broken promises, Cristiano… so many hearts.

Link: Ronaldo Talks Of His Stalker Hell

November 17th, 2006

The Friday Fit: Michael Owen


Back in the day, when little Mikey O scored that fabulous goal against Argentina in the 1998 World Cup we thought… maybe, just maybe, when he grows up he could be a hot one.

But then? We had to reconsider. It was possible we were just high from the possibility of England doing well in the World Cup, and everyone knows how that tends to go/continues to go/will always go.

Years passed, Michael grew up, and rather than becoming a tasty treat, he ended up with an odd sort of big head/disproportionate frame. If asked in a pub quiz, we would guess he was only 4 foot tall, though we know that couldn’t possible be true.

As news trickled in of his gambling addictions and his plans of moving his whole family within a 10 foot radar of his house (he eventually bought an entire cul-de-sac for his peeps, spending about