September 11th, 2006

The Beckhams: Bulleted

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intimatelyAnother day, another 800 news items on the Beckhams.

Our love of the Becks is unfounded, but this calls for a rapid fire bullet summary, oh yes.

- The pool in their French villa has collapsed.

- This French villa has chandeliers in the bathroom.

- This is the same villa rumoured to be haunted.

- Victoria says the assumption that her behind was J-Lo’d digitally in their perfume ad is untrue.

- She just “stuck it out.“

- Oh, how she doth lie to us.

- She cut her hair as a ceremonious changing of the guard as the Queen of WAGs stepping down after hubby David resigned the captaincy.

- Victoria struggled to keep up with the WAGs at the World Cup because she’s older than them.

- Are we still talking about this?

- She also hates one of the WAGs.

- But won’t say which one.

- But we can guess.

- This is because a certain WAG got pissed off at Victoria’s son Brooklyn.
- Brooklyn suffers from motion sickness and the communal World Cup bus that takes families to the games had to keep pulling over so he could throw up.

- What the f*ck is Victoria Beckham doing on a communal bus?

- Aren’t they for peasants and livestock?

- Apparently all of the Becks’ kids suffer from motion sickness.

- Victoria’s perfume is outselling her husband’s cologne by 66%

- David’s favourite fragrance: “The smell of Victoria when she’s gotten out of the shower.“

- David says he loves Victoria so much he is building her an “infinity” maze in their English back garden.

- Victoria is currently in NYC for New York fashion week.

- David is watching the kids back in Spain.

- Her use of the trilby hat is to disguise an “acne” attack.

- Unlike WAGs forced to ride a communal bus, acne doesn’t discriminate.

- Victoria says David was “heartbroken” when he wasn’t picked for the England squad.

- She also thinks he is much sexier than her.

- “I always say to David, you’re naturally so talented and good looking, so much more so than me.“

- Well, duh.

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September 11th, 2006

Materazzi Makes It Official

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After slagging off Zinedine’s sister and getting a WWF style head butt in return, Marco Materazzi has formally apologized. 

Not to Zizou, but to his sister.  We’re not sure how exactly he did this (flowers? a card? perhaps he baked her some delicious bread), but he’s so serious about making it up, that he has invited Z to his home so they can work out their differences.

Fifa president Sepp Blatter has made it clear he wants the two to reconcile.

Earlier this week Materazzi revealed what he had said to Zizou: “I was tugging his shirt, he said to me ‘if you want my shirt so much I’ll give it to you afterwards,‘ and I answered that I’d prefer his sister.“

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September 11th, 2006

whingey bingey ashley cole

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Woe is me, says new Chelsea signing Ashley Cole. Newly married and never one to keep his big gob shut, Mr. Cole isn’t done winding up old boss @Arsenal, Arsene Wenger.

In his autobiography, “My Defense”, Cole says that Thierry Henry got wined and dined during contract talks, but he didn’t get squat.

Can you hear the whining tone yet?

He says: “Thierry signed a new four-year contract two days after the Champions League final but our our situations were different.

“The club made him feel wanted, “wooing” him, wining and dining him, speaking in public about how much they want him to stay, going on a deliberate charm offensive.

But me? I didn’t have one dinner, one meeting or one phone call from anyone.

No one took time out to discuss the club’s ambition and vision with me.

That’s not sour grapes, it’s just a sad truth.“

Yet another to add to the “used to be cute” list. We don’t know exactly when it happened, but somewhere along the way we’ve lost our love for Mr. Cole. Perhaps he can get it back for us playing with Chelsea.

We doubt it though. Like a nice cup of tea gone cold, you can put it in the microwave and heat it back up, but it just doesn’t taste quite the same.  Or something like that.

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September 8th, 2006

The Friday Fit: Matthew Bates

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We have no idea how this slipped under our radar.

Photos like these of Matthew Bates (Middlesbrough) taking pictures of himself – naked – are the reason this website exists.

Our most humble apologies.

For the nakedness, keep on scrolling.

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September 8th, 2006

becks watch: venice

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David is feeling broody. He told the Daily Mail: “Suri is gorgeous. I have spoken to Tom (Cruise) loads since the birth but it was the first time I had seen Suri. It made me really want a baby girl, so fingers crossed we will have one.“

Good to know if (when) they have another boy, the kid will feel wanted.

Becks also declared that his international career isn’t over yet: “I’ll be back.“

Victoria told the press she has her hands full with her three sons and will probably be trying for a baby next year sometime.

Also, Victoria’s failed/cancelled/canned solo album has been leaked on the internet (remember that whole “kickin’ it” with Damon Dash PR scam?).

It’s the law of the Google: if you have a past, it will re-surface, and it will sound bad). Mrs. B is tres pissed because she thought the songs were “useless” and doesn’t want others to hear them.

Download (and enjoy, natch) the music here: Open Your Eyes

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