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We're still too emo to LOL but... this sure came close to breaking the Beckspression we're under. http://tinyurl.com/yfmkytr
Haha, Nicklas is a stepdad now 
VPL. The enemy to self respecting footballers everywhere. Luckily, in this great fashion-forward day and age we live in, items like Spanx For Men are available to quickly solve all down-under dilemmas.
Let us discuss in further detail:
Just when we thought cheating footballers would be hyper-sensitive to the eyes and ears and camera lenses around them, we have a trio of bad boys on the brink of relationship red cards.
Q: What do Patrice Evra, Carlos Tevez and Oliver Kahn have in common?
A: They all allegedly cheated on their significant others with blonde lady friends.
What’s worse:
Everton’s Mikel Arteta, wife Lorena and 8-month old baby Gabriel took to the Liverpool streets on Wednesday for some family bonding. We like this couple because they seemed to have achieved the golden couple trifecta: good looks, lots of money and an adorable bubba to keep the valued family surname going strong.
Eight months after baby and Lorena seems to be like the rest of us mortals when it comes to shedding that last stubborn stone. Interesting to note that the Spanish WAGs seem to opt out of the classic “starvation after delivery/the weight just dropped off, honest!” diet (ala Claudine Keane).
How do you feel about this one, Kickettes? Should WAGs rebound to their formerly svelte selves after they give birth? Or do we high five the couch potatoes of the world?
And how ticked off are you each month when the gym contract you committed to under the influence of a post-break-up hangover forces you to pay up for the training equipment you never have time to use?
Champions League games are like the hot boyfriend that arrives on a motorcycle, but only brings one helmet. Sexy, but heartbreaking. Wait, let’s clarify as that situation isn’t entirely heartbreaking. True heartache would be if he showed up wearing leather trousers.
Let’s stay on topic.
The last two days of matches have seen some surprising exits, fantastic goals and, as always, reminded us how exciting the CL can be. In case you’ve been accidentally locked in the Vogue beauty closet (lucky cow) and missed the action, here’s a sum up:
It’s not often you find a WAG who likes to dress ten years older than her actual age, but Caroline Celico is master at rocking the matronly look, stepping out in clothes that pensioners wouldn’t be caught dead in.
There’s no denying she’s a gorgeous girl (with an equally beautiful husband and bubba to match), but her sartorial skills have us banging our fists on our laptops in exasperation.
We did the only thing we could: contacted the fashion police for an emergency restyle to preserve our sanity.
Here’s how we would upgrade Caroline Celico from prim and proper to fresh and young. Damn it, let’s infuse some much needed youthfulness into her wardrobe.
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Former footballer Hidetoshi Nakata appears in the new Calvin Klein “X” ad for less than a millisecond, but his appearance is duly noted (and appreciated.)
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Current F5 member Torsten Frings was spotted hand-holding with a blonde supposedly named Yvonne. We were relieved to be reminded that he is one of the few ‘ballers who properly divorces his mate before moving on. He and ex-wife Petra divorced in August after 11 years of marriage.
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Speculation has reached fever pitch at Kickette HQ after it was revealed that the AC Milan team travelled to Manchester via an Easyjet plane. Â Yes, Easyjet. By our own calculations, we would’ve flown the same route on the same plane only after sharing a gallon of vodka and three packs of gummies with Alessandro Nesta.
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Recently spotlighted on our miss list, Robin Van Persie works it in black, white and color for Adidas. Now we’re talking.
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Gigi Buffon has recovered from the alleged love-triangle featuring his teammate and baby momma by modeling the new Italian goalkeeping kit for the World Cup. Oh, the horror.
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From crimes against fashion to motoring offenses, the latest genius to be banned from driving for being piddled behind the wheel is Stephen Pienaar.
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Slightly less criminal but no less annoying are Andrei Arshavin’s pontifications on women, football & smoking, among other things. Sexist statements don’t always have to be irritating. In this case, though, we refuse to be slagged off by Arshavin and his schoolboy haircut.
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Lastly on to Alex Gerrard, who has had a busy week attending an awards ceremony and planning her next holiday. It’s only Wednesday.
‘Ballers need breaks too, ya know. In fact, taking a mid-game breather on the pitch seems to be the preferred chillax method of treatment as of late.
Last night, in the midst of completing a Champions League hat trick against FC Porto, Nicklas Bendtner rested his head, shoulders, knees and toes. And although watching him trot around in those base layers leaves us feeling weak as well, the clear “money shot” provided Wednesday with the juice needed. Rando fact: last night’s three-goal effort was the first of Bendtner’s career. Are we the only ones demanding a repeat no pants dance party to celebrate?
In league news, Darren Bent helped Sunderland in the EPL table by scoring a trio of his own against Bolton. Just to reiterate, lying down after kicking pitch-arse is a very good look. So much so that we think both Bendtner and Bent are two fine recommendations for Dirty Tackle’s next installment of sleeping and/or napping ‘ballers; don’t you agree?
Some say David + Iker - Victoria = True Love. We say his return to Milan has reignited his interest in Marco Borriello much to the delight of our fangirl impulses.  Watching David and Marco flirt shamelessly through all of their matches gets our pulses racing the same way he and original love, Gary Neville, did in the late ’90s.
In honor of his return to Old Trafford tonight for the second leg of  the Milan v. Manchester United Champions League tie, we’re taking a trip down manlove memory lane. With each of his European teams, David’s had a hard time keeping his hands and heart to himself. Why don’t you join us in thinking fondly back to Beckham’s best bromantic moves?
