February 24th, 2011

Pato’s Lady-Pulling Paradox: Passion Fruit Potion Or Poisonous Pimp Juice?

AC Milan footballer Prime Minister's daughter

Images: Gossipblog.it

We’re going to go out on a limb here and stake our Pato claim: we.don’t.get.it.

Wait! Hear us out on this one.

Much of what we are about to say is meant in the nicest possible way, but can be interpreted as a plea for help. Make us understand, Kickettes: how is this AC Milan man regularly caught canoodling with high-profile/sometimes reputable birds, regardless of how silly his nickname and attire are?

Trust, we want to be Church of Pato’s Pimpin’ converts.  Amidst being left alone and afraid, though, our staff concluded that his secret sauce boils down to 2/3 cups of John Mayer-like lothario lovin’ mixed with 1/3 cup of  the youngest Jonas Brother’s curly tendrils.

Yes – although we’ve wasted precious eyelid staring hours negotiating the appropriate doses of each celebrity lady killer, we really are all too lazy to give the JoBro kid a name through Google. Some things never change.

For the love of all things holy, dear readers, please submit your virgin version of his semi-sly seduction cocktail (2.5 nauseating hours of ‘Dora The Explorer’ daytime telly with his lady friend’s kids, perhaps?) or provide photographic evidence of anything other than his abs and VPL as your counter-argument.

While our inboxes load, let’s enjoy(?) the sight of Barbara Berlusconi visually venturing into Pato’s pants at a restaurant in Milan. Even through the ghosts of relationship-ridiculousness past (she gave George Valaguzza the boot last week; catch up on the Pato/Sthef saga here if you were lucky enough to escape our previously incessant updates), story has it that Barbara managed a brave, blushing face whilst flirting with the Serie A wunderkind.

Our soapboxes support a woman’s right to hussydom, but the fine blend of real and bottle blonds at Kickette HQ find her root to highlight ratio moderately offensive for a woman of her income level. If our daddy was worth his weight in the world’s prostitutes, we’d expect a stupendously sizable allowance to cover the cost of a live-in colorist, along with Joe Hart and Niko Kranjcar for our pleasure chests.

Basically, we’re feeling rather apathetic towards this profitable potential pairing.

Still, your task is clear. Salvage the brain cells we’ve burned and send us good news of Pato penning a cheesy love ballad featuring words that rhyme with his real name (Alexandre Rodrigues da Silva).

Someone? Anyone?!

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30 Responses to “Pato’s Lady-Pulling Paradox: Passion Fruit Potion Or Poisonous Pimp Juice?”

  1. abc says:

    pure action in milan ,an i lovin it .next up for pato is run d transfermarket ,startin with ,kaka coming back

  2. C16 says:

    She looks like her father….
    And you lost me at Berlusconi. Ew!

    Run Pato!!!! Run while you can!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. guest says:

    She has been controlling the purse strings at the club. Therefore, I'm going with "poor Pato drew the short straw and sacrificed himself to secure us two new fullbacks for next season" ;-p Forza Pato!

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  5. ReRe says:

    Pato is soooo adorable and he has chrisma like no other.. He melts hearts.. And when he speaks, you just wanna eat him up! He is very kind as well.. Just visit his twitter and check out how friendly he is with everyone

  6. @aristeia says:

    Poor choice, Pato. However, regarding ladies liking the Duck… I can only say one thing… we've all seen THE pic, yes? He's no youngling in the pants. And he's super adorable and makes hearts w/ his hands after he scores.

  7. Lily says:

    He's a butterface and her…well, the last name says it all.

  8. Winnie Mata says:

    ugh…she ain't no prize ham herself! no seriously, she's not cute.

  9. Rossanera says:

    I think we all forget that he's what, all of 21? Isn't that what 21-year-olds do? They party. I don't think we can fault him for acting his actual age!

  10. Angela says:

    All I care about is the fact that she is a Berlusconi. Ew.

  11. eRossonero says:

    Yech. I’m not liking this. Srsly, wot does he see in her?! They’d make a tacky couple

  12. aps says:

    C'mon Pato you can do waaay better. PLEASE!

  13. LosAngeleno says:

    I think he's visually kind of adorable in a "your younger brother's sci-fi-loving, slightly-cuter-than-average fellow chess club member" sort of way (I'm a sad sucker for brown curly hair and braces). But as a party-boy hanging out with Berlusconi's daughter, he loses me. They both seem a little tacky and gross. (Sorry to hate on another woman.)

  14. Cara says:

    She looks a lot older then 27 *unimpressed face*

    Oh Pato dont be a plonker all your life by getting involved with a Berlusconi!

  15. Leya_S says:

    Nick Jonas.

    I'm sorry (happy?) to say that I don't and never have seen the appeal of Alexandre Pato.

    • Lotte (Zlatanista) says:

      Neither have I. Never.

      • vallie says:

        I was a terrible zlatanista.last january I asked him a picture together I was in a hurry because I HAD to go to work and I lived very far from where we were,and what he replied me?I'm going to work too.he offended me a lot.Last oct I gave him a bday present,I went to bcn just for him and he treated me like a stupid girl.oh f***k you zlatan.

    • @DebStimson says:

      me neither and so far ur +11 thumbs up so apparently we're not alone. ;)

  16. GShhh says:

    berlusconi deserves a slut as daughter
    but he doesnt need one to have a bad image
    i hate this man
    but again a proof that some women would do everything to get famous

  17. Rossanera says:

    Dating the boss' daughter … guys, I've got nothing. I can't deal with this. WHY?

  18. yeah says:

    she is ugly….ups
    sorry ;)

  19. Loca says:

    there are a lot of those women
    but these footballers are so stupid so they always get such sluts
    im sorry but they are idiots
    they could have classy women if they liked too

  20. sarrible says:

    I'm not saying she's a gold digger, but she ain't messing with no League Two back-benchers.

  21. chefdi says:

    Am I the first to see this?! I really have nothing to say except ICK ~ someone once said boys that young would be like chewing on unripe melon; he does nothing for me except when he scores for the Rossoneri … sorry ;-)