May 19th, 2010

Photocrashers: Get Out Of My Dreams And Into My Photoshop Software

There are many terrible things happening in the world today, Kickettes. Split ends. Broken heels. The cancellation of Ladies Night at our local bar. It’s an endless tale of pain and suffering.

Yet, we are never victims of our own hot ‘baller browsing guilt. There is no simpler pleasure than allowing ones eyes to roam unflinchingly across a fresh hunk of hot manflesh. Oh yessiree. But then fate sees fit to pee in our pool. Again.

You see this photo above? Victor Valdes. Near a gate. So far, so comforting. But there’s a small problem. No disrespect to Andres Iniesta, as a footballer and as a man we admire and love you, but ya mind steppin’ aside? You are spoiling the smoke show.

We tend to relieve the pressures of our daily lives with a bit of honest and intense objectification of men. However, this simple pleasure has often been ruined by a pesky detail or imperfect human. On that note, we’ve had a little trawl and come up with a few other irritations for your consideration. Consider this an Ode to Photocrashers.


Even the world’s most powerful people can render a hottie useless with a simple snap of their unsightly mugs. At left, Australia’s Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd, has singlehandedly stolen 81% of Lucas Neill’s photo thunder from down under.

Takin a page from his earlier club teammate, we pity Leo Messi. Granted, he may be the most brilliant player in the history of the universe, but his criminal fashion offences in this photo are so distressing that even David Villa’s soul patch is obliged to join in the stony face.

Other habitual photocrashers? Ronaldinho and Franck Ribery instantly spring to mind.


Every time summer rolls around, we clap with glee at the thought of seeing Figo in a Speedo on a boat, Ronaldo in his itsy bitsy swim trunks by the pool or even Cesc taking a bite out of the Big Apple fully-clothed.

But never in our wildest dreams did we brace ourselves for ghostly creatures of the sea.

There’s no polite way of saying this, but here’s our best efforts: Andrey Arshavin doesn’t hold a flame to Aitor Ocio. And although it’s not just the Miami Beach water’s fault, it’s a big cause for Arshavin going shirtless. And looking as such. His pale thighs and tummy pouch would not be out if he was roaming around Londontown; but he ain’t.

‘Ballers on breaks are not always as exciting as we previously thought.


Clothes are photocrashers of the worse kind. And, we’re never above criticizing a thread count’s inability to perform its dressing duties.

Under-armour is our universal enemy, this much will always be true. And as long as players continue to wear base layers, the clear “money shot” will forever evade our eyeballs. Oh, how we wish to give Robin Van Persie’s base layer seams a tear and watch them unravel in agony. A very hard, red-mark-capable thigh slap would follow.

Cristiano. Darling. We forgive you for the shirt even if our readers don’t. We can even cope with the awful footwear if the restaurant is expensive enough. But WTF is with those trousers? Teflon? Waterproof? Which natural disaster did WeatherBug tell you to prepare for?

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36 Responses to “Photocrashers: Get Out Of My Dreams And Into My Photoshop Software”

  1. hide my ip says:

    Go past a easy firewall with advanced packet monitoring software.

  2. Homeskillet17 says:

    wow kickette that was unnecessarily mean about iniesta…i mean really?! *is not impressed* mxm

  3. Lola says:

    Please don't be mean about Leo and Iniesta. I love all of my barcelona hobbits equally and without reserve, they are wonderful just the way they are.

    Cristiano…. O Cristiano, you used to be quite attractive, you know, years ago when I first saw you and your skin was human coloured and I never saw you in anything but a football kit. (This is coming from someone who has a moderate to strong dislike of every club you've ever played for and finds you quite annoying) But now I fear you are a lost cause.

    Also, base layer is quite clearly the devil.

  4. Laurelle says:

    Kickette, how rude! For shame!

    As much as I fancy Valdez (sitting directly behind him as he bent over to pick up the ball at Camp Nou was the highlight of my Barcelona trip) the other guy is not bad!

    Surely we can appreciate his facial hair? His Nike's? His kind, admiring gaze at Valdez?

  5. Inés says:

    I agree with the base layers as an enemy! >.<

  6. Gina says:

    LMAOOOO!!! OMG kickette you are HILAR. Whoever wrote this entire thing is just brilliant…brilliant! and spot on might I add!!

  7. D0li says:

    What a specimen Victor Valdes! Is he dating anyone? Does anyone have details on his personal life? Please share with me! I want his babies!

  8. kaya says:

    I like the way Iniesta holds his man bag much better.

  9. shay says:

    Would it really be fair for Cristiano to look like that, play like that, have a decent brain, and not dress like…well I really can’t think of anything bad enough to describe it. The really scary part is the amount of money he spent to look that bad. **shudder**

  10. Lena says:

    Why does Cristiano love the Oompa-Loompa shade of tan so much!? and don't get me started with the trousers!

    We seriously need to stage an intervention Kickettes, rehab perhaps? because apparently HE HAS NO FRIENDS, I would imagine they would prevent him from going out in public like that!

    Uuuuuuughh he's making it so hard for me to stay in love with him…love is not that blind!

  11. Bria says:


  12. batso says:

    ronaldo’s style is epic.. lol.. he is like pimp.. whatever….
    nando –jesus christ…
    all these were so funny..

  13. C16 says:

    Off topic but I can officially say this now:

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY IKER CASILLAS!!!!! *happy dance

    I'm still celebrating mine but it's time to start celebrating Iker's since it's already over midnight in Spain.

  14. tammyv says:

    Actually, think Victor should head-on-out the picture in this one. I LOVE the little vampire… he is one of my pocket people who i like to think of being on a shelf together, hanging out being cute and bringing me happy thoughts.

    Victor is hot but so are a lot of players… Few are as adorable as Andres

  15. Blogmomme says:

    SMOKE SHOW! Photocrashers! I love the footballers, but I love love you too

    Kickette becuz you are so damn funny! Here's to you keeping it real: in football, and in life. I hope you are working on a book, because I will buy that, and see the movie version too.

  16. TristaJade says:

    "Cristiano. Darling. We forgive you for the shirt even if our readers don’t." (And I certainly don't. I'm going to find it and burn it) "We can even cope with the awful footwear if the restaurant is expensive enough. But WTF is with those trousers? Teflon? Waterproof? Which natural disaster did WeatherBug tell you to prepare for?"

    This made me literally laugh out loud in the office. Thank you; I completely agree. I don't know if he was scared of spilling something on his pants and sprayed some Teflon on to protect them or what but…yeesh.

    Clothing is DEFINITELY our enemy, Kickette. No doubts about it. :D

  17. Arshavin looks like a middle-aged man! Gahhhhh

  18. cliu says:

    please, ladies, have some imagination…iniesta and messi and hobbits! genius hobbits…they are of a different order of male…adorable, magical…infinitely admirable..but not monstrous like aussi politician. expand your palates please! david villa is an elf…gorgeous and otherworldly…cristiano ronaldo is the real downer here!

  19. cr9 lover says:

    i don,t care if it is his house he completely spoiled the picture, i mean i hadn,t even read the text yet, and i screamed. I mean i agree i totally respect him as a professional but i,m not used these kinds of ballers on kikette.

  20. Zlatanista says:

    I have a crush on Iniesta. The man is beautiful inside and out.

    And, while i´m at it, i might as well confess that i think Messi is kinda cute too… Even though i think he should shave, that ginger shade on his face really doesn´t do it for him.

    • Miss_Nana says:

      I can tell you that Messi is already back in Argentina. I saw a video of the day he arrived and he was surrounded by a lot of journalists. Oh, and he arrived with a clean face. And I have to agree with you that he really needed to shave that beard.

      • Zlatanista says:

        Thank you for the good news, Miss_Nana :) . Messi didn´t have much time too celebrate did he. But i guess he is happy to be home.

  21. Ali says:

    Aw, but I love Iniesta! (And that’s HIS house, lol)

  22. cliu says:

    I love Iniesta…Valdes looks hot in that picture because that hoodie is hiding his lovehandles, which means there is more of him to love, but Iniesta looks hot when he handles the ball…and give me a break girls, Leo Messi is NOT human. He is a magical hobbit…so get used to it…they are adorable. Two different orders of maleness, one David Villa -sexy elfin and the other genius hobbit. Expand your palates!

  23. FootballerChick43 - says:

    I see CRon is in the process of tanning himself purple again.

    • sounderslove says:

      come on CR…don't take up all the sun, share some with Iniesta – he needs it WAY more than you do.

  24. C16 says:

    OMG, Valdes looks so HOT!!! I don't really like him but Oh Yeah!

    Agree with the photocrasher. lol

  25. bubbly_cheryl says:

    absolute legend ronaldo, his fashion sense… lmfao

  26. Ella says:

    OMG Cris! Why are you doing this to me?? I'm falling out of love with 'street ronnie'.

    I love Ronnie on the the pitch in his kit.

    I love ronnie on the beach barely dressed.

    I really really LOVE Ronnie in ads and shower pictures.

    But I can no longer love Ronnie in cilvilian clothes.

    And Arshavin needs to keep his kit on. ;)