August 4th, 2010

Player Punishment: Let Us Handle This

News breaks of Didier’s punishment. He seems concerned, Kickettes. Images: Getty Images, Reuters via Daylife

Far be it from us to make light of an awful situation, but last week’s news that North Korea’s NT coach and players have been punished for the team’s poor performance at the World Cup got us thinking.

While these part-timers put their hearts and souls into every game, even scoring a cheeky goal against Brazil, we want to address several of the footy world’s greatest, many of which didn’t live up to their expensive reps during this year’s tournament.

Therefore, we have invented a series of cruel and unusual punishments, devilishly designed to hit a randomly selected player exactly where it hurts the most.

Think you can just show up and pass the time lads? We’ll teach you a lesson you’ll never forget…

Didier Drogba

OK, first up we’ll admit that the Drog’s injury prior to the tournament *may* have impeded his ability to set the WC on fire. But if we were fair and reasonable, this post would not make any sense at all.

Therefore, for your crimes against football, for your somewhat lacklustre performances in World Cup games that resulted in a total lack of excitement in the Kickette office (specifically the Ivory Coast vs. Portugal snorefest), Didier Drogba, we sentence you to a season without diving. At all. Yes, it’s true. Unless violently tackled by an opponent, you must remain vertical throughout each game.

And take your shirt off whenever possible. Obviously.

Wayne Rooney

Wayne? Gok. Gok? Wayne. Stand well back, ladies. This may be explosive. Images: Getty Images via Daylife.

We’ll be honest, Kickettes, this one took a while. You see, apart from a few gazillion in the bank, Wayne Rooney is your everyday, regular lad who enjoys his football, his family and his mates.

And… kerch-ing! What’s the most frightening thing you can do to an average, down-to-earth bloke? Give him a metrosexual makeover! Yes, in punishment for his unimpressive turn in South Africa, young Wazza will feature in his own episode of UK TV makeover show ‘How To Look Good Naked’. What better way to alert him to the error of his ways than a thorough probing at the hands of uber stylist and all round fun chap Gok Wan?

As an added bonus, we’ll put cameras in the Manchester United changing room the day after the show goes out. You’ll thank us later, Wayne.

Frank Lampard

We were going to do the world a favour and go with a full-on denim ban (his crimes in this area are myriad and painful) but in light of these recent photos we have decided to politely request that Frankie refrain from public displays of affection. For ever.

We get it. You’re in love. It’s nauseating and we don’t want to see it. M’kay?

Unless of course you’re pashing on JT. In which case, we’re fine with it.

Fernando Torres

No bitchfacing. For an entire season.

Yep, we know that this will almost be like cutting our own noses off to spite our faces but Nandy must learn that coming back from an injury is no excuse for not scoring oodles of goals in a tournament and taking one’s shirt off regularly for the pleasure of the viewing public.

That’s what really hurts, Kickettes.

Cristiano Ronaldo

Cristiano? So easy. No tanning for six months. None.

No spray tan, no tinting moisturiser and a large hat and sunscreen when outside.

We will see you, pasty C-Ron, with your blue veins showing through your translucent skin and your sinister likeness to R-Patz. We will see you and take photos. You will not disappoint us again. Bwahahahahaha!

France NT

With the suspension of the entire team for the friendly against Hungary and the ongoing investigation into ‘team affairs’ it would appear that we aren’t the only one’s seeking retribution for a terrifying awful campaign.

But hell hath no fury like a Kickette staffer scorned and the fact that rumours abounded that certain players were mean to our favourite fluffy seal will not be forgotten. We just haven’t been able to come up with anything sufficiently hideous yet.

Any one else you’d like to see added to our punishment list, Kickettes?

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56 Responses to “Player Punishment: Let Us Handle This”

  1. Ana-Fiona says:

    i honestly don't know what's so hot about Wayne Rooney… Like seriously, i was like staring at his pic for like 4 minutes trying to figure out what's so hot about him… until i came this conclusion… NOTHING!

  2. iida says:

    Oh my lord Kickette, I can’t even breathe. This is brilliant.

  3. lulu says:

    I’ve got one involving a peacock feather and Kaká…
    What? He’s ticklish!

  4. Inés says:

    what happened in North Korea was horrible!
    is it true that Wayne is going to appear in that show or it’s just a joke?

  5. rubyqueen says:

    oh my god could you imagine rooney on how to look good naked.the beep machine would burst.!!i could just see gok dressing him in the most crazy loud shirts ever.heehe.:D as for nando please don't ban his bitchfaces i couldn't live without them.!!he looks so yummy. can i add something else you could ban from ronaldo the manbag.!!!

  6. LoveFootballLoveFoot says:

    I think that some players were put on the spot to carry their nations on their shoulders and their teams aswell. I don't think its right to put such pressure on a person especially when they are young or are part of a team like football players are.

    In the case of Messi, he is far too young and well until recently there were rumors that Maradona didn't think Messi was good enough. Of course rumors are often lies. Regardless…. people not only from Argentina kept hoping to see Messi score tons of goals and play well. There are other great players in his team and if they fail they fail together. Though I don't think they did, and I hate that they beat my team, but they are something I still hope to see in many other teams and that is, that they love each other like family.

    Unlike Portugal, where Ronaldo pretty much demanded attention at all times. How many times did we see him looking up at himself on the giant screen? How many times did he opted to kick towards the net when there were other more clear possibilities for his teammmates? He took more time in preparing his little open legged position than he did trying to help his team play a better game. The things that kills me about this (him) is that he is a good player and that his team believed so much in him even giving/creating opportunities for him to score on numerous ocassions.

    So, yes, I'm still mad that this one man has so much talented and rather wasted it on his looks. I think another punishment for him should be that he is not allowed to see himself in mirrors/pictures/videos/giant screens in any stadium until he realizes that after certain age not only his looks will fade away. He should take advantage of his talent and then worry about his looks.

    As for Suarez… I have a love/hate thing for him. But that moment of him using his hands… I was no! no! no! pobrecito nino. I prayed to God the penalty wouldn't be the end for Uruguay. Then when he was crying and someone was walking him out onto the corridor with his shirt covering his cute little face, I forgave him. It was precious to see him happy after he saw/heard the penalty kick was no good. I don't like cheating but Uruguay won my heart and I say this as a fan of a team they beat.

    • LoveFootballLoveFootballPlayers says:

      23 is being young. And he had the most pressure. And it wasn’t just me who noticed Ronaldo kept looking at himself everytime they would put his face on the big screens. I mean if you saw the games you would know that too. I think people commented on that more than on his “good” plays. I’m sorry to disapoint you but I’m not into Ronaldo. Not saying he is ugly by all means but I rather see him play football since that’s what got him where he is not the way he looks. Obviously, we have a difference of opinion but seriously, you can’t say that he did okay in the WC. Many times he was alone with no mark because it seemed that other players didn’t see him much of a threat and well we all know that if one player can stop Messi using their football skills they go after him with fauls. Happens in Barca happened in the WC.

      And, don’t speak of goals because CR didn’t score either. And Portugal has good players aswell. So they are both on the same boat for what I saw, but Messi in my eyes tried harder.

      • Soho says:

        Honey, please get your facts straight. Out of Messi, Rooney, Fernando Torres and Ronaldo, Ronaldo is the ONLY one who did score a goal. It was against North Korea, but the former three also came up against some very weak teams without getting on the score sheet. Defend Messi all you want, but do not do so by belittling other players. Trying to make other players look small will not make Messi look big. On the contrary, it will make you look desperate.

    • I think we’re all being a little too harsh on Messi just judging his contributions by goals alone. Even if he didn’t score, he created plenty of chances for the rest of his team.

  7. MrsYoann says:

    OMG FLUFFY LITTLE SEAL!! XD LOL thats the best part of the whole post! bwahahahhahahaa

  8. Anastasia says:

    Am I the only one who couldn’t even focus on the PDA because of what those two were wearing?? First, WTF Bleakly??? Nothing about that outfit is acceptable. And Frank…for the love of my sanity…ditch those sandals.

    • LoveFootballLoveFoot says:

      So did anyone else notice that for some reason her right foot wasn't in her shoe? It was sideways… does she have a foot problem? And I'm sorry but you don't need loads of money to make your feet look decent and her's look so very ashy. I'm not the type of girl that feels comfortable in heels, any type really but sometimes we as girls have to wear them but if I don't feel right about a shoe I just don't wear it she on the otherhand doesn't seem to follow that rule. Ugh!

  9. Ippa says:

    SUAREZ
    cutting off his hands would be too brutal so i’ll just go with putting him in goal for the next world cup.

    • Piquette says:

      Ippa I laughed out loud at your comment :) So true

    • Amandinha says:

      that wouldn´t be punishment, that would be a gift to Uruguay. Obviously the guy has talent.

      • Julia D says:

        He plays goal in practice a lot, so he says.

        Now I'll dream of those long bloody fingers of his.

        I need saltpetre!

  10. Maria says:

    Oooh what about Maradona?? I can't get round to blame Messi or the other guys, so the coach gets the blame, surely. What shall we do to him?

    But no bitch-face from Nando?? Are we sure we wanna do that to ourselves??

  11. Six says:

    Yes, I’m back. I just want to look at Drogba some more.

  12. tammyv says:

    Kickette, you have to warn a girl when a link involves those hanious excuse for shorts Christine is rocking? THE HELL?

  13. Six says:

    I can’t seem to pick my chin off the floor. I was not prepared for a topless Drogba so early in the morning. I haven’t even had my coffee yet. Oh, Sweet Jesus. He’s perfect.

  14. Elle says:

    Didier yum

  15. Amandinha says:

    Pleeeeeeeeease, Frank. Break up with that woman already. I can´t take this anymoooooooooooooooore!

  16. Nando needn't worry. I'd do all the cuddling he needs after such punishment.

  17. cliu says:

    Gli Azzurri need a collective spanking, les bleus have to be unpaid interns at Kickette HQ for a year…with Ribery and Benzema doing the coffee runs so you don't have to see them around except when they are handing you a cup of coffee.

  18. Kristina says:

    I think FIFA should make a point of implementing general shirtlessness in lieu of yellow cards. And rather than giving red cards, simply subtract additional items of clothing. This really should exist.

    • Julia D says:

      This is the best idea I've ever heard, get on this Sepp Blatter!! (Not remotely likely, I know).

      Red Cards should involve instant stripping down to briefs, just boots & socks left on.

      Please apply this retroactively to Suarez as despite my best attempts to fight it I cannot get him out of my mind….god that mouth. And hair…..

    • Rachel S says:

      AGREED.

      • tsidi says:

        Agree. Agree.

        • keikoreo says:

          Would agree except there's no way this rule change will result in a shirtless Iker.

          As for punishments…Kaka for sure. And Les Bleus should lose vacay privileges for a year since they were clearly not working in South Africa. Except for Yoann. He needs hug therapy at Kickette headquarters.

          • sounderslove says:

            "Would agree except there’s no way this rule change will result in a shirtless Iker"

            m. t. e.

            maybe if sadfacing qualified for a yellow card?

          • Kristina says:

            Oh what a good point. And then I was like, well every time the goalie misses a goal they have to remove an article of clothing, but that would still leave Iker fully clothed a lot of the time. Gotta think about that one.

    • sounderslove says:

      i say we just rid the world of the usually hideous away shirt, and play shirts vs skins every match. mmmmm.

  19. Dee says:

    I'll agree with the gli azzurri punishment. As far as how to punish, I'm still deciding.

  20. sarrible says:

    I think Kaka needs a spanking.

  21. Goosie says:

    I think that the 6 month ban on tanning for christiano ronaldo is entirely too lenient. make it a lifetime ban. he'll thank us years from now when he's not dying of skin cancer.

    • l says:

      agreed, he’s already getting sun/age spots on his face/body that are becoming more noticeable on his hq pictures, which granted aren’t as dangerous as moles from the sun but for someone who cares about image as much as he does mass dark spots on the body and face when it’s very much preventable is not pleasant to see on ones self. Coming from south europe i’m guessing that he has naturally olive skin (by that i mean originally pale but goes a nice golden olive colour with very little sun) so doesn’t have to stay in the sun that long to get a aesthetically pleasing tan that cannot be described as a wood stain colour. don’t get me wrong, being in the sun is good for you as it provides your body with vital vitamin d but as i’ve seen with a lot of people who spend a lot of time in the sun in southern europe people in their 20′s/early 30′s may look with a deep tan then, but a tan is basically dead skin and as your skin starts losing elasticity from your mid 20′s (Over tanning proven to cause the breaking of collagen and elasticity in the skin to boot) many people who have taken the mickey of tanning over the yrs and think they have avoided the consequences suddenly get a shock late 30′s/early 40′s when they suddenly look much older and worse for wear than those of us who have been careful.( i know south europeans have more oil in their skin so they should experience less damage but my mums from the med and has lived in the uk for 40 odd yrs and has always been careful and she looks about 10yrs younger than her brother (my uncle) who’s still lives in the med and over tans every summer and shes 5 yrs older than him)
      my point is i’m sure ronaldo thinks he looks good in a wood stain tone but if he took a closer look at his profile on his facebook page with the paler skin, he looks much more healthier and pleasant to look at and his facial features (eye’s, lips, brows, hair colour) look much more striking because of the contrast between dark facial features and paler skin tone. in fact kickette add onto the ‘punishment’ cutting down on the hairgel, no wearing the silly earrings and not wearing t shirts so tight it creates male cleavage. i’ve said it once and i’ll say it again with ronaldo the loose football training kit look is the way forward.
      sorry bout the science lesson

      a possible ‘punishment’ for the french nt – rent a open top bus and force them to tour europe only in french panties so the rest of us in europe can mock the unpopular sods (they aren’t popular are they – http://foreigndispatches.typepad.com/dispatches/2005/05/everybody_hates.html), even the french would enjoy that – i have a dirty mind i know ;)

      • Goosie says:

        You’ve got a great point about the hair gel. No tanning + no hairgel = perfect punishment. :)

        • JV says:

          No tanning, no hair gel and NO WAXING!!! I think CR9 would be hot with a treasure trail…

          • u2canbethisfly says:

            "No tanning, no hair gel…" and HELL YES on the no waxing! I cannot in good faith share an esthetician with a dude…regardless of the level of hotness.

  22. gia says:

    hmmmm fabio cannavaro needs to be punished

    i think the perfect punishment would be that he has to play a whole game shirtless

  23. zztop says:

    suarez of uruguay

  24. azezah says:

    French team should get a serious punishment. and even include "Kickette's fav fluffy seal". though, the punishment need to be different. I dont care what punishment you choose for them, but "Kickette's fav fluffy seal" whould be sentenced to a season full of stripping after each n every game!

    • Amanda says:

      I am SO on board with this. I'll even volunteer to help carry out this punishment. Full stripping for Yoann after every game.

      In my room.

      Shit, now I need a cold shower.

      • Amanda says:

        Are you gonna change your nickname, or should I?

        Ok.. from now on, I´m Amandinha", 'kay?

    • azezah says:

      Dear Kickette, I thought the next friendly played by france is against Norway. or did Norway change to Hungary overnight and I didnt know about it?

      • mandula says:

        It’s pretty cold out here in Hungary,but as I know we are still in Central Europe.But who knows?

  25. Rossanera says:

    How about gli Azzurri? They pretty much shamed a nation, too. I think that merits some sort of collective punishment.

  26. JaneSpotting says:

    Hilarious.

    Yes, Lamps and JT are bad boys and I can assist in their punishment anytime ;-)

    Can't wait for charity match this Sunday!

  27. Rachel S says:

    Love the punishments! Especially Cristiano's no-tanning!! Hmm…a punishment for France NT needs to be pretty extreme given the fact that it's the entire team we're talking about…can't wait to hear what you come up with..

  28. Zinny says:

    If Nando can't bitchface, I will seriously shrivel up and die of withdrawl. I love those faces he makes!

    On the other hand, Cristiano needs to be locked up and never allowed to tan.

  29. lilygold says:

    See, I told you "Horse Teeth" Bleakley was sucking the yum from Frank, just like a Death Eater from Harry Potter. God I can't stand that woman!