August 4th, 2010
Player Punishment: Let Us Handle This
News breaks of Didier’s punishment. He seems concerned, Kickettes. Images: Getty Images, Reuters via Daylife
Far be it from us to make light of an awful situation, but last week’s news that North Korea’s NT coach and players have been punished for the team’s poor performance at the World Cup got us thinking.
While these part-timers put their hearts and souls into every game, even scoring a cheeky goal against Brazil, we want to address several of the footy world’s greatest, many of which didn’t live up to their expensive reps during this year’s tournament.
Therefore, we have invented a series of cruel and unusual punishments, devilishly designed to hit a randomly selected player exactly where it hurts the most.
Think you can just show up and pass the time lads? We’ll teach you a lesson you’ll never forget…
OK, first up we’ll admit that the Drog’s injury prior to the tournament *may* have impeded his ability to set the WC on fire. But if we were fair and reasonable, this post would not make any sense at all.
Therefore, for your crimes against football, for your somewhat lacklustre performances in World Cup games that resulted in a total lack of excitement in the Kickette office (specifically the Ivory Coast vs. Portugal snorefest), Didier Drogba, we sentence you to a season without diving. At all. Yes, it’s true. Unless violently tackled by an opponent, you must remain vertical throughout each game.
And take your shirt off whenever possible. Obviously.
Wayne? Gok. Gok? Wayne. Stand well back, ladies. This may be explosive. Images: Getty Images via Daylife.
We’ll be honest, Kickettes, this one took a while. You see, apart from a few gazillion in the bank, Wayne Rooney is your everyday, regular lad who enjoys his football, his family and his mates.
And… kerch-ing! What’s the most frightening thing you can do to an average, down-to-earth bloke? Give him a metrosexual makeover! Yes, in punishment for his unimpressive turn in South Africa, young Wazza will feature in his own episode of UK TV makeover show ‘How To Look Good Naked’. What better way to alert him to the error of his ways than a thorough probing at the hands of uber stylist and all round fun chap Gok Wan?
As an added bonus, we’ll put cameras in the Manchester United changing room the day after the show goes out. You’ll thank us later, Wayne.
We were going to do the world a favour and go with a full-on denim ban (his crimes in this area are myriad and painful) but in light of these recent photos we have decided to politely request that Frankie refrain from public displays of affection. For ever.
We get it. You’re in love. It’s nauseating and we don’t want to see it. M’kay?
Unless of course you’re pashing on JT. In which case, we’re fine with it.
Yep, we know that this will almost be like cutting our own noses off to spite our faces but Nandy must learn that coming back from an injury is no excuse for not scoring oodles of goals in a tournament and taking one’s shirt off regularly for the pleasure of the viewing public.
That’s what really hurts, Kickettes.
No spray tan, no tinting moisturiser and a large hat and sunscreen when outside.
We will see you, pasty C-Ron, with your blue veins showing through your translucent skin and your sinister likeness to R-Patz. We will see you and take photos. You will not disappoint us again. Bwahahahahaha!
With the suspension of the entire team for the friendly against Hungary and the ongoing investigation into ‘team affairs’ it would appear that we aren’t the only one’s seeking retribution for a terrifying awful campaign.
But hell hath no fury like a Kickette staffer scorned and the fact that rumours abounded that certain players were mean to our favourite fluffy seal will not be forgotten. We just haven’t been able to come up with anything sufficiently hideous yet.
Any one else you’d like to see added to our punishment list, Kickettes?