April 13th, 2011

Product Shilling Players As Pupils: If Kickette Controlled The Classroom

Futbolista product promo

Image source: Wire Image. Thx for the story spots, NH & PG!

Calling all students: Kickette class is now in session. Toss your knapsacks under your seats, boys and girls, and pay close attention to today’s lesson on “Publicity Pouting 101″ – featuring the cream of the school clique crop.

Aitor Ocio/Teacher’s Pet

Our kinky-costumed kiss-ass was announced as the new face (and hopefully body?) of a few Schweppes tonics in Madrid last Thursday. He told reporters that he speaks with his ex/baby momma, Laura Sanchez, daily to ensure their daughter Naia – whom he called his ‘greatest triumph’ – grows up to be a happy, normal lady.

Grade: A - . We’re already halfway through our 2011 ‘to-do-us’ list, and his hair is stacked a bit too tall for our plus rating’s liking.


Dimitar Berbatov/English as a Second Language Lothario

Bulgaria’s answer to Don Draper may be a man of few words, but his accent packs a powerful punch to our resistance muscles when it counts. We have zero interest in understanding the words he utters in this credit card commercial, but have his dulcet tones on loop anyway.

Grade: B. We’re considering giving the helpless lad some after school extra credit.

(PS – here’s another vid of Berba, his S.O. Elena and their daughter Dea in Bulgaria a few weeks back.)

Tim Howard/Eager, Semi-Overactive Beaver

Among the several insider secrets he revealed in between takes of his AllState advert, the USMNT/Everton keeper spoke of the hard-earned ‘active kid’ moniker that he boasted while growing up.

Grade: C. While coffee keeps us sane until it’s time to get drunk, little Timmy should bide his boredom with hobbies that don’t include destroying our classroom door decorations.

Mario Gomez/Vegan Choir Geek

So he’s shy, has milk allergies and the occasional whooping cough and wears unflattering clothes – what’s your point?

Grade: TBD. Watch this behind-the-scenes video of Bayern Munich’s bomb-diggity perfectly posing for GQ and get back to us with your progress reports and organic produce shopping lists, Kickettes.

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10 Responses to “Product Shilling Players As Pupils: If Kickette Controlled The Classroom”

  1. Agnes Wonka says:

    you know, I'm a teacher and I tell you, I'd never like a Wayne Rooney in my classroom. These are ok :)

  2. wehoL4 says:

    I hear you sister. I am unable to concentrate for a good hour just from one glance

  3. Jen says:

    I am Schweppes-d away!!!

  4. Elisa says:

    Well, this depends. If Aitor can get me free Schweppes Ginger Ale for giving him a good grade, I'd give him an A+.

  5. Gladys says:

    I'm sorry, but The Continental is so hot!!! (bring on the kidnapping and the mayonnaise! ;) )

  6. DTX says:

    Yeesh, after watching that Mario Gomez vid, I've officially been rendered nonfunctional for the rest of the day.

  7. blake2108 says:

    Speaking of school and footballers,

    There's a guy at my college who is the splitting image of David Luiz. If you put him in a Chelsea kit with a 4 on the back, from a distance you'll mistake him for him.

    There's someone else there that looks like a meerkat and Roman Pav's (I can't spell the rest) love-child…

    But the David Luiz look-alike is miles hotter.

  8. LuvinBale says:

    Aitor can do know wrong in my eyes. Even if his hair in that picture makes him look like Kramer from Seinfeld.
    Now he just needs to be in some sort of state if undress and all will be right with the world.

    • Gladys says:

      I agree! Though I'd give him an A++ if he were advertising Reese's peanut butter cups or Patron but that's just a personal fantasy.

  9. MadameGourcuff says:

    i'll buy whatever Aitor is selling!