We're still too emo to LOL but... this sure came close to breaking the Beckspression we're under. 
Much in the way we need to regularly (aka hourly) check our horoscopes in order to feel safe and secure, we also need to know what’s happening with the homes of professional footballers. Such is life.
Back in Cristiano Ronaldo’s Manchester United days, most of his off-the-pitch antics occurred in this “offensive, brutal and insensitive” ÂŁ4 million mansion in Alderley Edge, Cheshire.
Said crib may have had the neighbours up in arms, but C-Ron ignored their pompous protestations and carried on entertaining and being entertained regardless. Bovvered?
Of course, as soon as Cristiano made the move to Madrid, we eagerly set our Google updates for some property gossip. What part of town would he move to? Would the new place have the in-house sauna, swimming pool and “media room” he had grown accustomed to in dear old Blighty? Would there be a custom-built underground direct tunnel to Gucci?
Well, it’s taken him six months, but C-Ron’s search for the perfect pad is over. Here’s the run-down:
Location: Based in the exclusive modern suburb of La Finca, one of Europe’s most mackadocious residential areas. It was already one of the most fashionable places to live for Madrileños, but with Cristiano’s arrival, it has now surpassed itself. In fact, we hear man bag sales are already up by 56% locally.
Land mass: Would you believe Cristiano has gone modest? He opted for an estate of only 5,000m2 (53,000 square feet), which is one of the suburb’s more humble houses. (Most of them measure in at 10,000 m2). We’re concerned the neighbouring financial high-fliers will scoff at the mere bedsit he is living in.
Costs: Worth €4.7 million to buy/ €9,000 a month to rent.
An FYI: Due to its location in the south of the capital, La Finca is also favoured by Atletico Madrid’s players. Indeed, Cristiano’s new gaff was the former home of ex-rojiblancos striker Sinama Pongolle. But, that’s by the by. The information that interests us most is the fact that Fernando Torres has a place there as well. He’s already our ideal Boy Next Door and we would defo be giving him a knock to borrow some sugar. And milk. And bed sheets. Etc.
NB: Stalkers be warned. The entire La Finca community has triple security control, infra-red cameras and 24-hour-patrol teams. Not one for amateurs to attempt to infiltrate.
But fear not, Kickettes. Upping the odds of a “chance” encounter with a Real Madrid fittie is the ever-dependable Xabi Alonso, who is giving up his gaff in the zona to relocate to the heart of the capital.
Los Alonso tried suburbia on their arrival in Madrid, but Wisteria Lane was not to their liking. They’re packing up and moving to the upmarket Barrio Salamanca (think: Bond Street), home to all of Madrid’s best designer boutiques.
Xabi and Nagore are well-versed in city centre living, having spent their stint in Liverpool on the Albert Dock-home to a handful of other Reds’ ballers, such as Martin Skrtel and a few of the Hollyoaks’ dollies.
Should Xabi run out of toilet paper, he can rely on his teammate Cristoph Metzelder, the only other whites’ player that lives in the barrio. Metze’s love for old-fashioned buildings was apparently the deciding factor in where he chose to live.
The German picked his spot on arrival in Madrid, and had it decked out to suit his tastes. We are most sure he spends his days in the plush penthouse calculating pi and listening to Bach. Maybe now Xabi is in the hood, he will invite him round for a game of chess and an Earl Grey.
I can’t decide if his new house looks more like my dentist’s office or an abandoned building at Area 51. I prefer the one in Alderley…at least it has green grass, ample trees, and landscaping.
But I suppose it’s CR’s money…