July 20th, 2010

Real Madrid: Kickette’s Suggested Management Rules

Mourinho: ‘He got what? Cornrows? For f**k’s sake…’ Image: AP Photos via Daylife

The man whose ego requires its own postcode signing on as manager of football’s very own glossy posse? We expected that this union would prove newsworthy, but so soon?

Word on the street is that Jose Mourinho has begun stamping his mark on new club Real Madrid, commencing with beds (woo hah!) being fitted in the training complex.

Unsurprisingly, we feel that Jose is going down the right path with this one, and in deference to this spectacular meeting of minds we have noted a few possible improvements of our own. We will be submitting them to The Special One in due course.

Kickette Suggested Club & Training Rules For Real Madrid

1. All training sessions should be open to ladies. At the end of each session, said ladies should be released onto the pitch and encouraged to chase down a player they have booked for… privileges prior to the session commencing. Oil and/or snares may be used.

2. All fash/hair decisions must be approved by a Hotness Tsar to be appointed at a later date (i.e. us). It is a players’ obligation to maximise their hawt at all times and any offences (denim, green trousers, crap shoes/shiny trouser combos, Guti) will be punishable in ways you cannot even begin to imagine.

3. Any women the players are planning to ‘associate’ with on a regular basis should be subject to the Kickette ‘Skankocity’ test.  Any women who do not meet the strict criteria we will arbitrarily decide upon will be subject to a player exclusion zone of up to 20km.

We understand that this will inevitably result in the players being unable to date anyone apart from Kickette staff and their gorgeous readers. We don’t care.

4. Tanning oil access should be reassessed with a view to creating harmony within the team camp. Mahogany vs. stripped pine is not conducive to viewing pleasure.

5. Tighter shorts. A few years ago, FIFA president and noted feminist advocate Sepp Blatter suggested that women’s football would be improved if the players wore tighter shorts. Sepp, we’ll ‘see’ your blatant sexism and ‘raise’ you a selection of snuggy short tents. M’kay?

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63 Responses to “Real Madrid: Kickette’s Suggested Management Rules”

  1. Rachel S says:

    This is genius! You took the words right out of my mouth, Kickette. Especially love #1 and the option of being able to "book" a player for priveleges lol

  2. [...] Suggested rules for Mourinho’s Real Madrid. [Kickette] [...]

  3. SoccerDuckie says:

    As an RM chica, I’m ALL for these rules!!! Kickette RULES!!! :)
    You guys always manage to bring a smile to my face, esp. on these bleak days. Thanks Kickette!

  4. Monica says:

    You know, I think I actually like the cornrows!! They’re cute haha.
    And I know I LOVE these rules!

  5. S4Jill says:

    OMG, Kickette is HILARIOUS, I love your caption and I totally uphold rule 3. Just need more pictures of The Ramos!!!!

  6. Tash says:

    I volunteer myself to mete out any punishments that the Hotness Tsar deems appropriate lol…I think I’ll start with El Ramos (for the cornrows)

  7. Susie says:

    Love the Mourinho photo, very funny caption! :)

  8. tessa says:

    I second the fashion tsar. Ohhh Guti…
    But I’m SO EXCITED they’re coming to San Francisco! Hopefully I can see the Ramos’s headband in person!!!

    • caitanya says:

      I'm missing them in SF by one day! :-( have fun! I'm sure you'll accumulate enough drool for the both of us :-P

  9. Ess-Jay says:

    I love these rules!!! They should be put in place for this new season! :p

    I decided the other week that one day me and my bestie are gonna buy/manage a football club, and we're gonna implement rules just like these.. As well as the good old, "all men must be at least topless (if not fully nude) at all times, while in the changing rooms/during training" :D

  10. Ess-Jay says:

    WHAT did you just say? Cesc? Gay kiss? WHAAAAAAAAT?!

  11. EternalDreamer says:

    The caption is gold. These rules need to be implemented at clubs worldwide ASAP.

  12. gino says:

    its nice to know that male run footie sites dont have the monopoly on crappy writing, half witted attempt at humor and tacky jokes dating from the Friar Club circa 1934.

    its true, any crap a man can shit out, a woman can do just as badly,….

    Damn you Brooks for wasting our time with this link.

    Even the gross Rafa one was better than this.

    • Erin says:

      Then don't comment, jackass.

    • Missy Manchester says:

      #1: Sounds like you were a guest at that 1934 Friars Club dinner.

      #2: Kickette's writing is excellent. Yours is not.

      #3: This site's sense of humour and writing style is perfect for this audience. You, sir, have no sense of humour, writing style or even the brain capacity to recognize that kickette.com was created for intelligent, fashion forward, sociable, footie-loving women. You are clearly outside their target demographic.

      In view of the above, I humbly request that you move along to a site more deserving of your cantankerous, curmudgeonly commenting style.

    • Iker'sMyMan says:

      yeah…bugger off!

  13. Rusty, or Anna Maria says:

    Wait, have they signed Mesut Özil yet? If they do, I will be a proponent of this plan.

  14. Erin says:

    Such outstanding and reasonable rules should certainly not be restricted to Real Madrid! We must make this a world-wide football club policy. Starting tomorrow!

  15. MissAnthrope says:

    I would like the bed between Higuain and Alonso.

  16. Rosey says:

    Oh and Kickette you forgot a rule about Higuain and his booty. Something about getting to grab it every training session…something like that ;)

  17. Rosey says:

    I think the ‘Skankocity’ test should be a FIFA and EU regulated thing…”flies” spread disease ya know ;)

  18. mamaly says:

    wow, jose, short tent
    real is going to be so much fun!

  19. gin_in_teacups says:

    I wholly support #3! Well, I wholly support all of these.

    A required minimum of shirtless hours per week. Naturally, there is to be no maximum.

  20. Yay! says:

    I can't wait until they arrive in LA!!!!

    Any info on their arrival and open training session?!

    Already got my ticket and my camera ready for the game.

    It's too bad most of my loves won't even be there :(

  21. Missy Manchester says:

    Kickette…Another fine piece of prose and captioning. I have but one thing to add:

    Rule #6: The Hotness Tsar shall impose a mandatory club Fashion Tax of not less than $20.2 million USD per annum–payable to Kickette et al. Additionally, all crimes against fashion as determined by said Hotness Tsar will also carry a mandatory minimum fine of $100,000 USD. (Please note that the Hotness Tsar can be bribed with hot designer labels, hot holiday locations and/or hot …)

  22. romina says:

    Haha, you guys are fantastic! and of course i agree with all the rules and i they should be enforced asap!

  23. chefdi says:

    Bravissimo for the rules! It’s time someone took charge of these things, lol! Fabulous work, ladies!

  24. Sylvia15 says:

    Haha! We don’t care. HAHAH LOLL!!

    Can we join them in bed?

    x

  25. tammyv says:

    Sergio and Iker’s assess better be in LA in a few weeks for when RM takes on the Galaxy. I will not be amused if they are not

    • coco says:

      Was thinking the same…but i don’t know if you all knowbut Spain national team is playing Mexico national on Aug 11… So i don’t know but I am hoping as you that they are in the squad for San Francisco and LA…fingers crossed..

    • senora ramos says:

      i hear you tammy! they’d better be in san fran on the 4th too! wish i’d be at either :’(

      i think they should be b/c like coco said they have the friendly v mexico (which hopefully they play in as well)

  26. C16 says:

    The Special One!!! ROTFLMAO

  27. senora ramos says:

    lol! i love your caption. and mou’s short tent ;)

    great rules kickette! i agree with them all!! but i have one to add.
    6. all jerseys and or complete kits must be removed upon final whistle at all matches. “it’s snowing” is not a reason for noncompliance :D

    • Thea says:

      I could add so many suggestion here….but I'm gonna be a good girl and adhere to the Kickette Comments Policy

      • senora ramos says:

        yeah, you'd better be a good girl thea. :)

        • Thea says:

          It’s so very, very hard – how long is our truce for again? La Liga starts 29th August. I have to hold out till then – IT’S KILLING ME BEING THIS NICE!

          • senora ramos says:

            only until the 12th. which i am anticipating with relish :D (the 11th. as a us spanish fan, it will be particularly satisfying to see our boys put a beat down on in azteca). then we can go back to our love/hate relationship. or we could go back now!!

    • romina says:

      i really like that rule :)

      • senora ramos says:

        i think if we start it, all other clubs would eventually come around to the right way of thinking ;)

    • cherryboomboom says:

      hahaha I love the caption too !!

  28. Louise says:

    May I suggest Xabi Alonso be appointed fashion csar?

    And I read elsewhere that there have only been eight beds installed. Sharing?

    • Steph says:

      haha, this! Xabi should totally take over that. :P He’s one of the few that actually dresses really well.

  29. cherryboomboom says:

    LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO @ he got cornrows ?! for fuck sake !!

    hhahahahahahahahaah LOVE IT!!! you kickettes are pretty damn funny ;P

  30. Jackie says:

    HUH great rules… they should be implemented ASAP. And not just for Real Madrid but also other football clubs. ie. Arsenal and Barca :)

  31. Maria says:

    Hahaha!! Excellent!! I couldn't agree more!!! Well, if they won't give Raul a place as a striker, he better take the title of Hotness Tsar surely!! He hardly makes a fashion faux-pas and we love him and will be so sad if (or when??) he leaves Madrid!

    I love Mourinho's face haha!! Like saying "Oh geez, these guys think they're more Special than me" tehehe!

  32. caitanya says:

    #1: Hell yes, and especially in the rooms with the new beds!!! :-D

    #2: Hell yes (Guti and Ramos being the prime offenders, hello??). Let's call the fashion police!

    #5: Very good! An older gay friend of mine was just lamenting during the WC about how the short shorts of the 1980s are sorely missed. Looking back on football clips from those times–Hell yeah i could definitely go for that in the 2010 and onward! hehe

  33. Sara says:

    Love the new rules. They should be implemented asap.

    Also, I would enforce that Sergio Ramos needs someone to make sure that his head band is secure at all times. I volunteer of course.

    • senora ramos says:

      ahhhh! genius!! wish i'd thought of that most valuable position for el ramos. oh well. i'll just have to find other positions ;)

  34. Steph says:

    Love this. :) I agree with all of this! Especially 1 & 2. Most of these boys need serious help in the fashion department. :/

  35. liv says:

    Yes and yes to all the above, and i volunteer myself as ze Physio to properly strech those hoties!

  36. HJ says:

    I, as a Barcelista, HATE Jose Mourinho but never actually hated Real Madrid. Now, if my IKer, sergio etc start liking and praising him, i'll give them hell. yup, that's right: Vicky Valdey is as gorgeous as you, Iker :(

  37. Please don't ban the green pants, I'll miss them!

  38. Goosie says:

    The caption is PERFECT!

  39. Lisa says:

    all these rules affect Cristiano and/or Sergio Ramos. In other words, I wholeheartedly support all of them being implemented, especially the last one. Next to the booking for shirt removal, the disappearance of short shorts has been the biggest crime against football.

    • Lisa says:

      an addition to the short shorts rule: have those tight figure-hugging tops Italy wore at Euro 2000. Or have the Cameroon sleeveless one… oh what the hell just make them play shirtless and paint the number on. The only person in the stadium who cares about names and numbers is the referee. We at home have TV captions.