July 20th, 2010
Real Madrid: Kickette’s Suggested Management Rules
Mourinho: ‘He got what? Cornrows? For f**k’s sake…’ Image: AP Photos via Daylife
The man whose ego requires its own postcode signing on as manager of football’s very own glossy posse? We expected that this union would prove newsworthy, but so soon?
Word on the street is that Jose Mourinho has begun stamping his mark on new club Real Madrid, commencing with beds (woo hah!) being fitted in the training complex.
Unsurprisingly, we feel that Jose is going down the right path with this one, and in deference to this spectacular meeting of minds we have noted a few possible improvements of our own. We will be submitting them to The Special One in due course.
Kickette Suggested Club & Training Rules For Real Madrid
1. All training sessions should be open to ladies. At the end of each session, said ladies should be released onto the pitch and encouraged to chase down a player they have booked for… privileges prior to the session commencing. Oil and/or snares may be used.
2. All fash/hair decisions must be approved by a Hotness Tsar to be appointed at a later date (i.e. us). It is a players’ obligation to maximise their hawt at all times and any offences (denim, green trousers, crap shoes/shiny trouser combos, Guti) will be punishable in ways you cannot even begin to imagine.
3. Any women the players are planning to ‘associate’ with on a regular basis should be subject to the Kickette ‘Skankocity’ test. Any women who do not meet the strict criteria we will arbitrarily decide upon will be subject to a player exclusion zone of up to 20km.
We understand that this will inevitably result in the players being unable to date anyone apart from Kickette staff and their gorgeous readers. We don’t care.
5. Tighter shorts. A few years ago, FIFA president and noted feminist advocate Sepp Blatter suggested that women’s football would be improved if the players wore tighter shorts. Sepp, we’ll ‘see’ your blatant sexism and ‘raise’ you a selection of snuggy short tents. M’kay?