March 23rd, 2011

Real Madrid: The Soap Opera

Telenovelas are peanuts compared to our made-for-Real Madrid-TV movie. This post is brought to you by the brilliant captions from the April 2011 UK edition of FourFourTwo magazine and our other hypothetical take on Footballers in Film.

‘Paranoia. Backstabbing. War. The dark secrets of a divided club. And why Jose has six weeks to save his skin.’

Jose (left) is suffering. He has been struck down after an allergic reaction to the Real Madrid standard issue tanning cream and his body is now is covered in large, weeping pustules.

At the moment, only the Real Madrid staff know about the pustules, but this could change as the club doctor is convinced it is only a matter of time before they spread to his face.

Image: Getty Images/Daylife.

Jose’s massive ego, which currently resides in its own enclosure in a small field near Valdebebas, is struggling to cope with the lack of media exposure it is getting lately, due to the pustules. It is currently too weak to come out of its kennel and if a cure isn’t found within the next six weeks, it could wither to nothing.

Now the team is divided down clearly demarcated tan lines. One faction, led by Iker Casillas (left), believes that the truth of Jose’s pustules should be shared with the nation immediately, in the hope that someone will come forward with a potential cure. He has connections in the media and feels that the news would be better coming from a reliable source rather than a leak. Mou’s ego will then be able to feed once again and carry the team through the final few games of the season. Iker has just the person in mind for the story.

Image: Getty Images/Daylife.

The other faction, led by and comprising tanning expert Cristiano Ronaldo, believes that Iker himself caused the pustules by tampering with the tanning cream vat, in an attempt to further his ‘trusted source’s’ career. Crispy thinks that the matter (like Jose’s pustules) should be kept under wraps and has offered to let his own substantial ego move in with Mou’s, to keep it company until the end of the season. Mou can then move to a cooler climate (say, England) and the pustules will never have to be revealed to the Spanish public.

Image: Getty Images/Daylife.

What will Mou do? Can his ego survive without exposure? Can it live for six weeks in the same pen as Cristiano’s – an uncontrollable creature noted for its’ perpetual, straining Gucci bloat and frightening footwear? Or will he trust in San Iker and reveal the truth about his pustules on a random Spanish channel like Telecinco, say?

Tune in to the next episode of: ‘Real Madrid – The Soap Opera’ to find out.

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96 Responses to “Real Madrid: The Soap Opera”

  1. Bella says:

    Does anyone have a link to the actual article? I'd like to read what was really written and not the ridiculous nonsense that is this post. What the hell are they talking about? If it's supposed to be funny, then major FAIL. Like I said anyone have the actual article? Thanx!

  2. nixer says:

    Is this the best your barbie-doll-imagination can come up with?
    No wonder you're all called hare-brained!

  3. Agnes Wonka says:

    the title on the cover is very appropiate

  4. mamaly says:

    Wow !
    All i was trying to say is that for me only Jose matters.
    London, Milan, Madrid and if his next team is 'The Siberian All Stars' i support them.

  5. canederli says:

    Jules –

    It was not my intention to offend you or anyone else or to be 'flippant' about something that I know to be truly horrifying. However, I do think that Kickette is not the place for politics *or* shit-stirring. The poster in question always comes out with negative and hateful statements and seems like she's purposely trying to cause issues with Madridistas and I think she should give *that* (her behavior) a rest – full stop. To me, it's ridiculous to come on a website and continually attempt to cause trouble with others and then defend your actions by throwing around political statements – it's inappropriate and this isn't the right forum for this discussion. If she doesn't like Real, FINE. Her choice, but stop pissing on everyone else with negativity and then use the very real suffering of people as an excuse to spew bile. Referencing Franco shouldn't be seen as some sort of trump card in a discussion about sport – to me, *that's* offensive. This site is supposed to be about fun and silliness and abs. It's not supposed to be about political sparring and pointing fingers. Someone who continually shows up to taunt others and poke them with a stick is a troll as far as I'm concerned. This sort of 'us vs. them' attitude ruins the whole tone of this site in my opinion. If someone doesn't like Real, why spend so much time sticking their nose into posts about them, if not to cause drama? It's sad. I wouldn't dream of trolling a Barca thread. It's childish and foolish. Good natured jibes, I can see like "we'll see how it goes in April! We're gonna kick some butt!" But this poster's comments are never of that sort of tongue in cheek gentle rivalry. It's flat out anger and it's disturbing. It makes me sad. I love this game and I am genuinely upset to see this sort of attitude. Love the hell out of your team, but seriously, let all that rivalry stay on the field. It's the same sort of attitude that allows fans to cheer for Iker Casillas in the World Cup and bottle him as soon as he's in a Real uniform or people who yell death threats, racial slurs, shine lasers in the opposing players eyes, throw debris on the field, etc. all in the name of supporting their team. I will never understand that. Never. So again, I am sorry if I offended you and I should have explained myself a bit better now. Peace.

    • Sarah, Madrid says:

      Well said! Madrid fans doesnt want to offend anyone's past or history, but we also can't tolerate the idea of being trashed on the site too and what I love about Kickette that real madrid and Barcelona fans over here actually dont argue and just appreciate the game as it is with the hotness of Pep, sexiness of Ramos, perfection of Iker.

  6. realraul03 says:

    Seriously, Kickettes, even joking about that man's face having any sort of blemish whatsoever is sacrilege. Exhibit A:… (make sure you click the "Fotos" tab instead of the "video" tab).

    PLEASE start a hot coaches column or something so that I can mooch off your awesome photo capturing ability. Love this site–thanks for all your hard work! Off to pillage Barnes & Noble for a copy of 4-4-2 . . .

  7. xoWinnie says:

    i'm glad you posted a bit of background on the history of this, as i'm doing a bit myself to try to understand the pure HATRED some Catalans feel towards the club itself. HOWEVER, MOST people on here don't know all the background, and so her statement IS offensive and general! "no one who like Real likes to hear the truth"? UM–RUDE! aren't most of the people here (myself included) who are fans criticizing the situation at the club right now? pointing out the fact that it's been in turmoil for a while? and then to bring up Fransisco Franco, and an era which a lot of us weren't even ALIVE, and refer to THAT as the source of our apparent "delusion"–WTF?! like seriously? i agree with Canderli, you can say what you want but making those kinds of statements is definitely trying to start sh1t. the kind that doesn't exactly blow over when people cool off, either.

  8. C16 says:

    LOL…. Ok.

    IKer looks really hot with a beard, he should bring it back.

  9. diana says:


  10. Gladys says:

    Since the conversation has gotten a little heated, I thought I'd offer some slightly OT diplomatic distraction in the form of a shirtless David Luiz. Enjoy:…

    • D0li says:

      awe thanks~! Is it true that RM is interested in him? That would be a great sign.. I mean all the hot guys together on one team!!

  11. Gladys says:

    Ever-gorgeous Higuain almost looks a little thin in that picture. I hope he didn't diet down and lose some of that glorious booty (perhaps he should talk to K.Kardashian for maintenance tips)…

    sorry, back OT. Can't stand Mou's arrogance but I completely see everyone's point about stability. I know player and manager transfers are a part of football, but I really don't see what he's doing wrong. The team is playing amazingly. I can't imagine RM without him now (he's the man I love to hate, as the song goes).

    • Gladys says:

      Oh and Kickette…please please delve deeper into the magazine and feed us a little David L. cupcake love. Perhaps a picture of him eating a red velvet shirtless.

  12. aninjasdream says:

    This cover has more beauty than Cindy, Naomi, Christy and Claudia combined. *Drool drool*

  13. someone who likes films and books says:

    P.S. Oh Higuain how I miss you so.

  14. someone who likes films and books says:

    LMAO @ "Iker Casillas has 'connections in the media' " OMG whoever wrote this is a genius!

    That is a very nice looking picture right there. It's like a boyband pose. And I hope Mourinho stays. Last year, around this time, Real Madrid as a team is a huge laughing stock in Europe due to overpriced players and hype that didn't come through. The exit in the Champions League care of Lyon was the icing on the cake.

    But when you hear "Real Madrid" today, they are respected and feared by fans and foes alike. Part of this turnaround is because of Mourinho. So, yeah, as a huge RM fan, I hope that Mourinho stays!

  15. torontonian.madrista says:

    I’m sure this all over-exaggerated. I mean that’s what the media does over exaggerate. Mou has really improved the team. And them creating all this bs could ruin everything for us Madrid fans. Mou already clarified a few months ago that he plans on staying at Madrid until his contract is up. Mou may have a big ego but I think he is an amazingg manager.

  16. Por dior says:

    i think this info. is old, i mean , i know the article is from April ,but the information i heard it before maybe from the spanish tabloid ,FOURFOURTWO come´s a bit late. The press tells every week some conspiracy story about real madrid, i really don´t know any more what story´s are real or fake, but I do agree that Real Madrid is like a soap opera , but the script writers are usually the press.
    If Mou leaves Madrid is propably because he gets tired of the press. That´s what happened to Messina (RM ex-basketball coach), and the lack of support the club gives to the coach , in Mou´s case , it´s not a problem Papa Florentino has already shown his support publicly, to Mou .

  17. Summer says:

    “I’ve never hidden my desire to return to England some day, but there are three more years left on my contract and I intend to see them through and to work hard to make the Board, the fans and the players happy. If I manage to do this I will see those three remaining years through and maybe even carry on with a new contract. I currently feel everyone is happy with the job we’re doing. Real Madrid is my near future.”

    Quoted straight out of Mou's press conference today, :)

    • Cara says:

      He wants United, I think he's made that obvious. Apparently if you believe what you read he's had a clause put in his contract that if United come in for him as Manager then Madrid HAVE to let him go…

  18. Amy says:

    Did anyone see the big article on Mou in Sports Illustrated recently? Really, REALLY good piece – he is quite a complex, amazing, polarizing figure. And apparently he is interested in coaching the US national team in the future?? Good news for us Americans!

  19. MadridCanada says:

    I don't know what all the drama is about I watch football because the team plays well.

    I am a Madrid fan because I love their style of football, I love watching their games, I don't get all the MOU dram

    He's made such a great impact on his team and many other team, I hope he doesn't leave.

    As for the Barca doping allegations, the same radio station that accused them of it has in the past sent false allegations of both Madrid and Barca team of using drugs, so I highly doubt someone from Madrid notified them that they need to do more drug tests on Barca, Get over it people let's watch the game and forget all the drama.

    Hala Madrid!

    PS…Im not a fan of CR7 as a person but as a player he's good!

  20. JA7 says:

    They're all soo hottt !

  21. Deanna says:

    Mou = Evil genius

  22. mochara says:

    Mourinho is vain, arrogant and slightly insane but you just gotta love him <3

    • Federica, Milan says:

      Jose is simply the best. He has raised Inter FC after over twenty years of failures! come on…

  23. lalalalalalala....:) says:

    i am an fanatic barca fan
    but i love mou he is just GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

  24. Ayah says:

    Kickette i honestly did not understand a single thing of what u just said, but hey who am i to judge, loot at that beautiful picture of disgusted Mou, lool O how i love that man, even if he's a complete brat at times, i still love him and this coming from a Barcelona Supporter, Seriously Jose the football world would be lost without youuu……

  25. xoWinnie says:

    i don't want him to leave. this club needs to get its act together and realize that stability is what's best.
    seriously, i understand that in the world of football, someone is always to blame for failure
    so how about Perez gets his head out of his ass and realizes what disruptions he's caused
    during the past few years, and how this has negatively affected the club over the past few years
    instead of always letting the damn coaches bear the brunt of the fan's and players' disappointment?
    on the other hand, i understand that Mourinho is an egotistical man. and a proud one.
    he always has been, and i really don't expect that to ever change. however, everyone involved needs to chill
    and learn how to communicate with one another.
    IF he leaves, this split will be less than amicable, and i can't even begin to imagine the sh*t
    that he's going to spew in order to save face. no one wants to be the scapegoat for a team's lack of success
    especially when that team happens to be Real.

    anyways, i guess we'll see what happens in six weeks, but i really am hoping for the best (which is for Mou to remain the coach).

    • MadridistaJenn says:


    • chay says:

      jose has been one of the best things to happen to the team this season! they're flourishing. everyone should just put their personal opinions about him aside. xoWinnie, you are right: he is an egotistical, proud man, and neither do i expecvt things to change, but he is a good coach, so his ego and pride are well earned, IMHO

      • Sarah, Madrid says:

        Mourinho name has been chanted in Bernabeu by the fans, remember the last time when a coach name has been chanted in Bernabeu?? Perez please please, for one time act for the best of the club, not based on your perference! Keep Mourinho, we want him and we need him for at least couple of season to buiild a team that can stand on it's feet when he leaves because he will eventually. Grande Mourinho, Hala Madrid! Media please leave us alone, madrid fans are exhausted :(

  26. Sarah, Madrid says:

    As a proud Madrid fan, I dont want Mourinho to leave, Madrid look at it's best since 7 years now. We have the squad and the coach to guide it to go places, I am sick and tired of changing coachs. Yes, I dont like some of what Mourinho says in press conference, but this is MOU and when Real Madrid signed him, do they expect for him to change for you Perez. Since, day one they are saying Jose is leaving us to England, I am honestly tired from this, leave us to work, more drama than this jersey shores! About Barcelona drugs's problem, I am 100% sure it is wrong and I hate that radio is implying that we did that, since Perez came and defended Barcelona too! Leave Madrid alone, let the boys focus and let Mourinho be Mourinho. The guy is entertaining and football is entertainment!

    • Sarah, Madrid says:

      Btw, every long break, media has to create headlines about Mourinho + Real Madrid, it is something that they do. Mourinho + Real Madrid, it cant get any better than this.

      Loved the cover, missing Ramos, Ozil, Arbeloa, Khedira, Benzema, Albiol, Garay, Gago, KAKA, Canales, Pedro leon and Garenro <3

    • MadridistaJenn says:

      Great comment! You've summed up most of my feelings. I'm tired off playing musical chairs with coaches. I know Mou will leave when his contract is fulfilled, but I wish Perez would give him more decision making power – which will make him want to complete his contract. Clearly, the titles he's won prove that he knows what he's doing.

    • Crackers says:

      Seriously, the team is the best it's looked in a LONG time, and if Real want to achieve anything, they need stability. Yes Mou is abrasive, yes things can get controversial sometimes, but honestly as a fan I want the club to keep him. We need a firm hand at the wheel, to say the least of it.

      (also, I think the mag article is lots of BS)

      • hbandshbreak says:

        I agree with you – it sounds like a lot of crap. Stability is really important. As I always say "In Mou We Trust!" Everyone should just get the hell out of the way and let him do his job. He knows what he's doing.

        • D0li says:

          lol I love this comment! AS I'm reading this I'm watching the El Classico commercial on GolTV! NOW THAT IS DRAMA!

    • Winnie Mata says:

      EXACTLY! like seriously, Perez is such an effing idiot! you want to make all these changes, buy all these unnecessary players, and have no results? would you not take the time to consider OTHER reasons why this is not working for the damn team? there are other options! he wants a quick fix and it's NOT going to happen if it's just going to be "off with their head" for every new coach every season! he is going to ruin this beautiful club for good if he keeps this up!

  27. Stefania says:

    Love the cover, but why isnt Sergio Ramos on it ? :( Im sad about that, but still love those boys!!!

  28. Zahara says:

    that reminds me…its been too too long since we last had a feature on sergio ramos (alone) and his beautiful self
    please kickette, i need some sergio love.

  29. Pique_Xavi says:

    Well, this "article/post" was not at all what I was expecting. Of course I don't get my football news from this site either because here its more about sharing thoughts, questions, likes/dislikes, and of course gossip. So anway, I'm not at all a fan of Mou regardless of his many achievements and that due to his personality. The same goes for CR but in his case its his "personality" because I have no reason to be sure he's like the person he portraits to be on camera and on the field. Could be he doesn't want to show his sensitive side knowing well many people take advantage of that or maybe he knows he's a good player and wants to show it off. Who can blame him? But I did admire him as a football player. Looked forward to it actually until recently.

    • Pique_Xavi says:

      With Mou is a little bit different because he says things on camera knowingly well that it will be all over Spain and other parts of the world. I just hope that CR keeps resting his injuries because they keep coming back way too soon and I hate when great players get injured no matter who they are and what club they play for. If Mou is unhappy then he should leave because it could affect the players in the end. The heads of the club should realize this: the spanish players can be competitive on the field, can talk trash, can sometimes be a little rough with each other like the Ramos and Puyi incident because Puyi has done the same to Ramos in previous matches, but the trash talk from Mou towards Barca players and serious allegations can be harmful for Spain's national team. These men are now together, whose to say it won't come up in their conversations? Sorry, but many may say its not going to affect them but a persons mind can be tricky and I'm all for players doing their thing for their clubs but coaches should stick to coaching and trying to form their best football with what they have, RM has lots of stars no need to bring them drama.

    • Leya_S says:

      Where have you been? I haven't seen you around these parts for awhile!

      • Pique_Xavi says:

        Hi :)
        I've been laptopless… lol my laptop had died. Also, in the process of moving which can be hectic specially the part about looking at houses to move in thinking you found the right one but they don't want pets :( But now its all good… How you been?

        • Leya_S says:

          Congrats on the move!I've been pretty good! With all the Piquira talk on here, I was wondering where you'd gone, lol.

    • Lotte says:

      Nice to see you again!

      • Pique_Xavi says:

        Glad to be back :) Thank you…. hopefully lots of Xavi and Pique post… but pretty much look like Barca and RM will be hot topics this coming week. Eeek! I can't wait!!!

  30. Lotte says:

    This does note bode well… At least there is a piece about David Luiz and cupcakes! Yummy! Must have me a copy of this issue.

  31. IrishBlue says:

    David Luiz and cupcakes, sounds like heaven.

  32. Jen says:

    I don't see what you all see in C-Ron, but the rest of the bunch are yummy, especially Xabi!!

  33. Femz17 says:

    Atleast the cover looks good :) …Dying to know what David Luiz said about JT and cupcakes!

  34. Maria says:

    I'm lost and confused … I don't think he should leave … He cracks me up … I always watch the spanish international channel just to find out what Mou has said next… *lol*

    What a good looking bunch … (even Mou) … but I would stay with the good looking bunch that is FCB

  35. blitzenTO says:

    Just so everyone knows, FourFourTwo is a highly respected and top quality magazine, not some tabloid. I haven’t read the article yet (we are always an issue behind in Canada) so I don’t know what it says, but you can be certain that they have based it on good information and not the usual suspect “Spanish sources”.

  36. Tina says:

    Soap opera it is. I wonder when Jose's good twin is gonna appear?

  37. D0li says:

    Does this mean that he is leaving? I am confused about this article.. it just leads to previous kickette posts about Real Madrid banning Carbs from talking about the club specifically Cristiano Ronaldo. I'm supprised you have talked about the drug testing at Barcelona where some radio station claimed that it was Real Madrid (specifically Mourino) who said that they give their players drugs.

    Seeing as UEFA reacted so quickly I am hoping that both rumors are false – Real Madrid did not make that statement and that Barcelona does not give their players drugs. I am a Real Madrid fan and would hate to see Mourino go because this is the best we have played, but if he is not happy at the club, causing problems within the club, and between the club and other clubs then I'm affraid that he will have to go. I hope now Perez sees the importance of developing a team rather than buying every top player and hoping they win trophies.

  38. mamaly says:

    Who cares !!

    Madrid have a trackrecord of throwing trainers on the scrapheap( since june 2003 10 managers) before they get a chance to prove them selves.
    Jose, football's coming home: in Manchester

    • diana says:

      Why so many thumbs down?It's a FACT

      • Thea says:

        Nobody who likes RM likes to hear the truth – they have veen dillusional since Franco bribed the referees back in the day!

        • Tina says:

          Dillusional and panicky, as it seems. A new season, a new coach. They can't beat the longterm planning and team spirit of Barca with that cynical game.

          • MadridCanada says:

            hhahaha Alright Ladies we will see you guys at the Bernabeau in a few weeks then we can talk about this :)

          • xoWinnie says:

            oh please! let's just have a Madrid trash-talk fest, shall we?
            like seriously, stop throwing Barça's name out there as if they are the pinnacle of football.
            i sure have quite a hefty list of reasons they are less-than perfect.

            • Tina says:

              Good morning! Just a reflection: it's funny how you react to an alleged trash-talk fest about Madrid, when the coach himself of said team is the master of trash-talk. And when HE trash-talks he is being "entertaining" or "taking the heat of the players" or whatever reason I have read during the years. There are coaches that doesn't have to do such things to be successful.

              • xoWinnie says:

                lol please gurl. refer to my earlier post and see if my sentiments didn't reflect what you just said? regardless, he is still one of the most successful, well-known, recognized, love-to-be-hated, list-goes-on, coaches in the entire world. so you can say whatever you want about him, and so can i. but your post wasn't about that was it? nooo….always gotta try to force "Barça" into the conversation on a pedestal *eye roll*.

        • canederli says:

          I was wondering how long it would take for you to pop up and say something rude as hell. It never fails. I'm a Madridista, but I can appreciate what a great side Barcelona is and I admire them. You never have anything good to say, do you? So when Spain played in the World Cup did you only cheer for the Barca players? See, I can understand loving your team but I'll never understand outright hatred and rudeness about an opponent. I think it's disrespectful. ""Don't hate,appreciate" is my motto. I may want Madrid to beat Barca but I would never say Barca sucked because they don't. We have a lot of fantastic players too. I love the game – full stop – so I'm not going to be a total ass about it because I support a particular team. If someone is a good player, they're a good player. Period. Also, Franco has been dead since 1975, so perhaps you might want to give that shit a rest? Honestly, if you look into the history a bit more, you might want to be throwing some of that snide commentary towards Atleti as well if that's your criteria. It's interesting, I have a number of close friends who are are lifelong cules and our interactions are characterized by mutual respect. With your posts, all I get is anger. It's frankly, quite exhausting. It's shame, because I think we could all have a really good dialogue if it wasn't for the knee jerk posturing some people like to throw out here.

    • Sarah, Madrid says:

      We care! we are not happy with this fact and that's why Madrid fans are angry with this. Facts straight, Alteli was franco favorite club, real never was! Respect our club, we deserve this.

  39. black widow says:

    prettiest club in all of football.

    PS: this article (fourfourtwo's, not kickette's) is complete and utter shite!

    • chay says:

      they ARE the prettiest club! I have a heart club and an eye candy team: RM is without a doubt the latter

      I love that snarky pic of jose!

      • Susana says:

        I'm convinced that's why they didn't buy Ribery last year. NO ugly mug like his would move shirts.

        They are good looking, except for Ozil and di Maria…

        What's with the look on Ronny's face? It's almost as if he's saying, "What? You mean I won't be on the cover by myself?" :)

        • black widow says:

          hahaha, you could be right there …

          aw, bless! ozi is cute in his own way … during the world cup, i didn't see it, but now that he's ours, he's like a little pet bambi or something and i think he's lovely. (i've even grown to tolerate crispy!)

          • Amy says:

            Me too – I remember thinking how much I hated Ozi during the world cup, probably because he gave Spain so many problems. But, oh my, how much I love him now! He is the future of both Madrid and Germany – what a beautiful player. And I, too, really, really hated Cristiano. I still can't say I really like him, what with the way he dresses and whines and sometimes flops, but overall, compared to some of the trashiness of football players out there, he pretty much keeps to himself and minds his own business. I can respect that.

            • black widow says:

              my (grudging) respect for crispy has grown since he joined our team. he's kept his mouth (mostly) shut, he's done his job, he's become more of a team player and — dare i say it — less of a diver and even matured as a player and person. i'll never LOVE him, but i can tolerate him (and given that i still haven't forgiven him for that stunt he pulled against rooney in the 2006 world cup, that is high praise from me, indeed!). at the very least, he's entertaining off the pitch and i cannot deny his talent on it (and i think crackovia has helped with my newfound appreciation, too).

          • chay says:

            lol @ bambi!

        • chay says:

          i agree with you there about di maria. but he is a superb footballer

          most definitely, no one beats ribery in the fugly department

        • hbandshbreak says:

          I totally think Ozi is adorable. He's not a pretty boy, but I find him very attractive.

    • Susana says:

      I think they're good footballers, I was just talking about the looks.
      di Maria has HUGE ears…like a taxi going down the street with the doors open. :)

      • Crackers says:

        Honestly, I think Angel di Maria is a cutie, but your comment made me spit out my drink from laughing!

    • C16 says:

      LOL They really are… which reminds me of this awesome tag at hala_madrid that goes: real madrid modeling agency rated #1
      So true!

  40. Olivia says:

    Just here for Xabi.