January 29th, 2010

Short Tent v. Bulge: A Study in Men’s Shorts

One of our 2010 New Year resolutions was to produce more short tent excitement around these parts. As you can tell, we haven’t been able to kick Cristiano out of our dreams just yet, but we’re making good on our commitment to guys’ pants. And what’s in them.

We’ve enlisted the help of the Kickette Men’s Underpants Research Institute, a world-renowned research laboratory dedicated to advancing the scientific studies of Male Morning Glory.

Since our readers are oft-confused on how to decipher saluting short-tents from basic bulge, we’ve enlisted help from these researchers to provide an expert analysis on the various states of footballers’ junk.

Please note: in order for these professionals to further their studies, they need more test subjects to undergo a rigorous free ballin’ evaluation. If any and all volunteers would be so kind as to leave their potential applications with photographic proof of their undergarment superiority in the comments below, we will gladly gawk before passing along to the professionals.

BULGE

In its purest state, bulge acts as a magnet in the presence of injury or of-the-moment goal celebrations. The positive exchange of energy between teammates or physio staff creates an incidental excitedness that lays the essential foundation needed to build up to a fully-fledged short tent.

Similar to the spherical shape of the footy ball, negative exchanges of energy between rubbing thighs causes an instantaneous combustion resulting in diminished uncontrollable reflexation. According to our calculations, a bulge can sustain its own weight and girth when a powerful complex is applied: water.

In layman’s terms, bulge is the most basic version of a man’s crown jewels outlined for our enjoyment.

However, recreational use and abuse of bulge is highly dentrimental to the long-term growth and development of bulky manbits.

Liverpool’s Glen Johnson and Chelsea’s Michael Ballack are two fine specimen that experts observe with keen eyes.

Bulge in Motion

A sub-classification of bulge, bouncing bits are a firm coat of armour which protect a man’s sphere from the ultra-violent grabby hands of opposing team players. A significant presence when a man is upright and running, bulge-in-motion poses a more serious threat to personal space at ground-level altitudes.

Call it a pre-warning for snide perpetrators who intend to make crass tackles. Nine times out of 10, they will end up with bulge violating their heterosexual comfort levels as punishment.

Comitted to the cause, scientists agree that while this is not all that different from free standing bulge, Arsenal’s Cesc Fabregas, Besiktas’s Matteo Ferrari and Benefica’s Nuno Gomes make compelling arguments in favour of further category exploration and classification.

SHORT-TENT

When a man’s third leg stands at attention, he and the boys downstairs are elevated to short-tent status. Literally.

It takes two kit atoms to chemically bond to one another for a trifecta configuration otherwise known as a “short tent” to occur. A short-tent is a highly reactive element that forms a visibly firm compound in a man’s netherlands. At colder temperatures with minimal pressure, a short-tent‘s ability to pitch are severely compressed and require manipulative massage or group hug therapy.

Erect men on a mission have a short-tent maximum capacity of 50%. In other words, half of the volume in a man’s lower region is occupied by a short tent, 100% of which, can be used as rocket propellant. Men need to expend their energies wisely as short-tents are unable to withstand all 90 minutes of a match.

Chelsea’s John Terry is the poster child for all protruding appendages on the pitch followed closely by Real Madrid’s Cristiano Ronaldo – who doesn’t take too kindly to bulge.

Our studies continue.

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34 Responses to “Short Tent v. Bulge: A Study in Men’s Shorts”

  1. nando love says:

    here's one for bulge in motion http://www.zimbio.com/photos/Fernando+Torres/Chel…
    always "cheers me up", guess nando was pretty happy too!!

  2. Footballers really give their heart out in the game. The shorts make them comfortable while playing. It is really a unique subject of study.

  3. tool steel says:

    Good stuff as per usual, thanks. I do hope this kind of thing gets more exposure.

  4. aps says:

    JT!!! Can imagine he was working it during his affair. lol

  5. coleenfan says:

    Are you KIDDING me with this? LOL :) Brilliant. I hope a respected university picks up the torch where you left off

  6. Erin says:

    Fabulous, Kickette! Love it!

  7. NinyaC says:

    Nothing significant to add but I just want to bow down to all of you (Kickette and members) with this epicness.

  8. Liz says:

    Theres an amazing one of Alan Smith somewhere, it was back in his Man utd days. Cant find it at the minute though, but Wow what a picture!

  9. Lucy says:

    KICKETTE!

    You can’t miss this, it’s not so much *a* short tent but a whole campsite

    http://bit.ly/9vUEsE

    Hehe ;)

  10. FYI, all: we're saving all of your fabulous photos and we promise to compile an informative, research-focused gallery for your further analysis.

  11. Alisha! says:

    http://twitpic.com/10clao – I thought it was pretty decent

  12. jenny says:

    Fantastic work ladies! Keep this much, much needed research!

  13. Oh la la, merry Christmas to me!!!!!

  14. Lena says:

    I feel the need to also add that on top of rain, cold weather can effect the erm…shortness of such a short tent.

    • Lolinha says:

      I agree. With male equipment and water one always needs to factor in the shrinkage as it is a variable. Water (especially cold) can display the specimen inaccurately. Therefore I argue it incapable to present errorless results in terms of size, but when it comes to judging the shape nothing (except nudity) beats the old H2O.

      • FootballerChick43 - "Mrs.Ballack" says:

        Oooh, you all have triggered my nerd gene. Have to add my two cents in, lol.

        Good points. Cold water triggers nerves that instruct heat to flow from the affected area (stick one hand in cold water and feel the temperature of the other drop to see what I mean) because the nerves signal that heat is being abstracted. Diminishes blood supply from the region. Obviously, a male needs that flowing blood supply to the region to, errr… tense. Probably not the right word, but whatever. If they are in strenuous activity, though, obviously the blood supply the heart is pumping will keep them slightly tented (for lack of a better word) because it has to go somewhere but… not as fully as it would be without.

        Though the effect to admirers of water on chest muscles might *almost* make it worth it.

        Will stop being a nerd… now.

  15. Lau says:

    So glad to help your research!

    http://i50.tinypic.com/2mnj6h1.jpg

  16. Surely your scientific formulae must take into account the effect of rain on the production/manifestation of the short tent phenomena, and whether said rain can result in a false positive?

    • bubbly_cheryl says:

      I swear, Fourth, thats what i was thinking as well, surely rain does have an effect on the bulge/ short tent celebration… cause a wet footballer is almost as good as a half naked one

  17. eyes_on_nando says:

    i submit for consideration: fernando torres.

    http://twitpic.com/10bgvr – v. blackburn
    http://twitpic.com/10bit7 – owning vidic at OT
    http://twitpic.com/10bh23 – anfield debut
    http://twitpic.com/10bhg0 – pitching in celebration

    to go with my previous entry from twitter (@i_heart_nando)…

    i've made my case, now over to you ladies…

    =)

    • Bella says:

      eyes_on, a lovely montage, but I can't believe you left this one from your own collection out!:
      http://twitpic.com/104rg0
      Everyone should now return to their seats.

    • imhereforthenando says:

      I have always thought that the only thing that could make this glorious site better would be more Fernando bulge/short tent.

      Thank you for making dreams come true.

      And Bella, I want that picture tattooed on the inside of my eyelids so that every time I close my eyes I can see it.

      • eyes_on_nando says:

        you're most welcome =)

        i have been collecting these gems for a while, waiting for an excuse to drop all of this goodness on all of you… and then, what do i find here, but the best excuse ever! so i just had to share…