January 29th, 2010
Short Tent v. Bulge: A Study in Men’s Shorts
One of our 2010 New Year resolutions was to produce more short tent excitement around these parts. As you can tell, we haven’t been able to kick Cristiano out of our dreams just yet, but we’re making good on our commitment to guys’ pants. And what’s in them.
We’ve enlisted the help of the Kickette Men’s Underpants Research Institute, a world-renowned research laboratory dedicated to advancing the scientific studies of Male Morning Glory.
Since our readers are oft-confused on how to decipher saluting short-tents from basic bulge, we’ve enlisted help from these researchers to provide an expert analysis on the various states of footballers’ junk.
Please note: in order for these professionals to further their studies, they need more test subjects to undergo a rigorous free ballin’ evaluation. If any and all volunteers would be so kind as to leave their potential applications with photographic proof of their undergarment superiority in the comments below, we will gladly gawk before passing along to the professionals.
In its purest state, bulge acts as a magnet in the presence of injury or of-the-moment goal celebrations. The positive exchange of energy between teammates or physio staff creates an incidental excitedness that lays the essential foundation needed to build up to a fully-fledged short tent.
Similar to the spherical shape of the footy ball, negative exchanges of energy between rubbing thighs causes an instantaneous combustion resulting in diminished uncontrollable reflexation. According to our calculations, a bulge can sustain its own weight and girth when a powerful complex is applied: water.
In layman’s terms, bulge is the most basic version of a man’s crown jewels outlined for our enjoyment.
However, recreational use and abuse of bulge is highly dentrimental to the long-term growth and development of bulky manbits.
Liverpool’s Glen Johnson and Chelsea’s Michael Ballack are two fine specimen that experts observe with keen eyes.
Bulge in Motion
A sub-classification of bulge, bouncing bits are a firm coat of armour which protect a man’s sphere from the ultra-violent grabby hands of opposing team players. A significant presence when a man is upright and running, bulge-in-motion poses a more serious threat to personal space at ground-level altitudes.
Call it a pre-warning for snide perpetrators who intend to make crass tackles. Nine times out of 10, they will end up with bulge violating their heterosexual comfort levels as punishment.
Comitted to the cause, scientists agree that while this is not all that different from free standing bulge, Arsenal’s Cesc Fabregas, Besiktas’s Matteo Ferrari and Benefica’s Nuno Gomes make compelling arguments in favour of further category exploration and classification.
When a man’s third leg stands at attention, he and the boys downstairs are elevated to short-tent status. Literally.
It takes two kit atoms to chemically bond to one another for a trifecta configuration otherwise known as a “short tent” to occur. A short-tent is a highly reactive element that forms a visibly firm compound in a man’s netherlands. At colder temperatures with minimal pressure, a short-tent‘s ability to pitch are severely compressed and require manipulative massage or group hug therapy.
Erect men on a mission have a short-tent maximum capacity of 50%. In other words, half of the volume in a man’s lower region is occupied by a short tent, 100% of which, can be used as rocket propellant. Men need to expend their energies wisely as short-tents are unable to withstand all 90 minutes of a match.
Chelsea’s John Terry is the poster child for all protruding appendages on the pitch followed closely by Real Madrid’s Cristiano Ronaldo – who doesn’t take too kindly to bulge.
Our studies continue.