January 18th, 2011

The Sizzle Query: The Tuesday Torso Trifecta

Ladies and gents, welcome to a special edition of our celebrated (mainly by us) ‘Tuesday Torso’ feature, in which we discuss the merits of various football players’ abdominal muscles in a post feminist, totally scientific manner.

Due to the plethora of nummy tummies presented by players desperate to be included this weekend, we have expanded our usual format to include a further two (yes, that’s two!) candidates for your preferential pickings. Please do take into consideration the usual parameters outlined in the Kickette Soldier Girls/Boys Operational Manual (2011 Campaign) which you should have received in your ‘Stalking Pack’.

First up, the manbag managing, short tent show-offing Welsh Wonder that is Gareth Bale (above). A frequent flyer on Kickette of late, the Tuesday Torso is one area that Gaz has yet to make his own. You can change that, kids!

You know what Javi? Give it a rinse and we’ll take it. We’re not total skanks here. Image: Athletic Bilbao. (Thanks for the tip, Becky!)

Next up, and seen here unleashing his inner rockstar is Athletic Bilbao’s Javi Martinez. We’re feeling the hip dips, the glimpse of the tighty whiteys and the nicely defined but not cheese grater abs. A dish for the more discerning diner, Kickettes?

Come in, Number 18! Your time is up! (Getty Images/Zimbio)

Last but not least, we offer you Lazio’s Libor Kozak. Although Libor is not the most blessed of men in the abdominal muscle department (our definition of blessed looks a little something like this), we appreciate the bonus tenting going on this shot, plus a little aggro towards one’s baying fans never goes amiss. An outsider, but one we’ll definitely be keeping an eye on.

Right. Read your manual, prepare your argument and wade in, Kickettes. Your decision as to who is bearing the finest torso in this trifecta could be critical to their future careers!

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36 Responses to “The Sizzle Query: The Tuesday Torso Trifecta”

  1. nayet21 says:

    Gareth is kind of cute… ;)
    My vote is for him…

  2. Marie says:

    Javi any day any time !!!!!!

  3. IrishBlue says:

    Oh Gareth, you seem to be taking a main role in my daydreams lately……*Drifts off into a sexy wonderland involving Gareth, his torso and a can of whipped cream…*

  4. ITHINKGARETHBALE says:

    GARETH BALE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    what a complete and utter babe
    he defo wins my vote
    he makes me wanna watch tottenham now
    god some footballers are just to attractive
    also wish martin kelly would take his shirt off like gareth bale
    YYYYUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMM !!!!!!!!!

  5. sarah says:

    Wow Bale. Um…okay. He's been featuring in my dreams a lot since summer last year and why remained a mystery to me until late last year.

    But I'll get my priorities straight here, there's only one consistently shirtless winner in my eyes and that is Mario Gomez. How quick he is to whip off his shirt when the whistle goes…unf that body.

    For the purpose of the article, my vote goes to Gareth.

  6. Ayah says:

    O Javiiiiiiiii, beautiful Javiiiiiii

  7. fabriquefanatic says:

    JAVI MARTINEZ…..His cuteness factor is just waay too intense to ignore so i gotta say i pick him!:) AND he's got a little abs action goin on so definitely him:)

  8. Niina says:

    Who is this last guy and WHY have you been hiding him until now?!? Pale, yes, a little on the skinny side, fine, but would you look at that profile! A little more pushups and the summer's sun, and he'll be so pretty it'll hurt your eyes! I totally would…

  9. nikkibarcafan says:

    javi so wins this….with those killer abs,its no contest….

  10. bri_saldana says:

    WOW to all but Gareth takes this one for me….just look at those knees; rugged, torn up, ….and soooo delicious!

  11. Sarai says:

    Javi! Javi!! Javi!!!

  12. Rosie says:

    Gotta give my vote to Javi on this one! Out of the 3 pics, his abs are the best. There's also the hip dips, treasure trail, slightly and adorably mussed hair, and the warm smile.

  13. @mezz98 says:

    Gotta go with Gareth. He manages to be adorable and sexy simultaneously.

  14. Whitney Hot4Spurs says:

    Gareth has the best nipples! And he never fails to tease us with the lower goodies!

  15. Fangirl says:

    Gareth is just soooo cute.
    My big football love is actually
    Yoann Gourcuff, but this Welsh boy looks just
    so…sweet.

  16. LuvinBale says:

    Thank you Kickette for posting this and giving Gareth top honors as the first picture posted.

    I had the privileged of watching the game and then being sexily attacked via Gareth's hot bod just walking around after the game like he wasn't bothering anybody. That boy is beautiful and I am so glad that many others feel the same as I do. I remember the first time his picture was posted and more than half of the people made fun of him.
    I see the tides are slowly turning. I LOVE IT!!!

    He's just damn hot and thats all there is to it.

  17. LuvinBale says:

    Bless you Kickette for featuring Bale in all his glory.

    When I saw him after the game sans shirt I flipped out. I was in the middle of a conversation with my boyfriend and when I turned back to the screen I screamed. There he was with out his shirt on just walkin’ around like he was bothering anybody. Little does he know what a commotion in us Kickettes.
    What a gorgeous man he is. Just BEAUTIFUL!!

  18. Catie says:

    Javi's abs are deeelish, but my vote is going to Gareth for overall hotness and ability to keep his perfectly-coiffed-but-not-too-fussy-Jimmy-Neutron hair in check throughout the game.

  19. Ninaaaaaa says:

    Javiii my man! you are one fine specimen!!

  20. Nandoschiquita says:

    Kickette, bless you! I searched all weekend for a photo of this (Bale)! I could only find one from the back side. I must say this isn't the best angle, he looked much yummier on my TV. I'm guessing it was Rooney he exchanged jersey's with? – I noticed that Wayne was walking off the pitch sans jersey as well (albeit with base layer), so I assumed it was him.

  21. Summer says:

    Gareth…It's clear!!!! SO SO SO SEXY THIS MAN!!

  22. PHWOAR Javi Martinez. The third reason to love Athletic Bilbao, after Fernando Llorente and Aitor Ocio.

  23. strawberrysexcapade says:

    Hollllllllllllaaaaaaaa Javi. Damn boy, I did not know you were packing under there. Mmmmmmm now I know he has a rocking bod to match that adorable face

  24. Sergz says:

    Whose shirt did Bale get? Giggs? Lol, i'm probably the only one thinking about that now, huh?

  25. JoleenMean says:

    Bale!

  26. RamosYLara says:

    A little comfort for me, after I saw THIS: http://www.revistacuore.com/fotos/sergio-ramos-y-…

    Oh well, Im kind of happy though because she seems like a normal pretty girl :)

  27. SoccerLoverrr says:

    WOW. I wanna boom boom bang with your bodies boys!

  28. Ellie says:

    Gareth Gareth Gareth. Nom Nom Nom..
    You make me even prouder to be Welsh, bachgen.
    Ohh the nipples…

    • Nandoschiquita says:

      Oh my gosh! I'm glad to see I'm not the only perv regarding Gareth's nipples. They make me crazy. In a good way.

  29. blake2108 says:

    What a stupid question. You know full well who I choose. You all know why too, so I wont bore you all with another essay!

    As nice as his body is (and it is amazing, beyond words in fact), why he felt the need to shave his trail is beyond me, that was gorgeous.

    P.S. THANK YOU SO MUCH for getting hold of that pic!!! You know which one I mean, It's made my day :D

    • @DebStimson says:

      lol…I thought of you immediately when I saw Gareth in the top pic.

      As for the trail…keep the faith…maybe he was getting taped there so has shaved it temporarily. ;)

  30. Caitlin says:

    Gareth Bale wins this one, hands down!

  31. Carina says:

    Gareth is so delicious!

  32. Hellooooooooo Javi!!! Or shall I say Holaaaaaaa!! :D

  33. Louise says:

    LOVE Javi! Often overshadowed by his delectable teammate Fernando Llorente, but oh so wonderful in his own way.