July 1st, 2010

Sorting Out The England Squad: We’ve Sussed It

Steven Gerrard tries to persuade Jermain Defoe that there is not a ‘big, scary monster’ in the penalty area. Images: Getty Images, AP Photo & Reuters via Daylife & Photo Agency via Zimbio.

Recently, we notified you of an ongoing problem in our office – that of the photo interloper. To summarise, an individual and/or item that ruins an otherwise perfectly wonderful shot and therefore our day.

As regular readers will have realised, knowing when to leave something alone is not one of our strong points, so we have expanded this idea to incorporate possible items/things/people that we feel may have slightly disrupted England’s World Cup campaign and should therefore be immediately and arbitrarily removed from the space time continuum to ensure future success.

Our logic? We feel this is a far more appropriate response to the whole crazymaking situation than our first instinct. Which was to pack up and open a cookie store.

We suggest removing:

Ashley Cole – Mobile phones
Ash. Mate. Is it not enough that you were caught texting pictures of the contents of your underwear to random ladies? No? Okay, you go ahead and get caught texting your frustrated feelings about your country just after taking part in England’s worst World Cup performance for a gazillion years. Honestly? You’re a great player… on the pitch, that is. We suggest you buy a carrier pigeon and devote your life to training it. The whole mobile technology thing isn’t quite working out for you.


Rio Ferdinand – Injuries
His name is Rio and he plays for En-Ger-Land. If only. Sob.
A back injury prevented Rio from performing as we know he can for Manchester United last season and then a training ground tackle put paid to his dreams of leading England to World Cup glory. Would England have performed better with Rio leading them? We’ll never know. But we’ll be interested to see what happens when the captaincy is restored.


John Terry – Libidos
Sorry JT, but we feel your (mis)adventures with the ladies contributed in no small part to a lack of team spirit within the England camp. Not to mention the Kickette office. We have ordered a tanker of bromide to be delivered to your house. Please enjoy it. PS: We admit to still being intriqued and admiring of your short tents.
Frank Lampard – Goals
Fortunately someone already has removed this from the space/time continuum as it never stood. But Sepp Blatter has apologised. That’s okay, then. Sigh.


Wayne Rooney – Wax
Tabloid desperation aside, was Wazza’s chest fuzz removal in part responsible for his lacklustre performance in the tournament? Let’s get rid of the wax, restore the fur and rewind to the start of the tournament. It’s working for Spain!


The England Manager’s Job – Fabio Capello
Fabs? We love you and don’t buy into this whole malarkey that the failure was your fault. However. We think that if the Kickette staff were appointed manager in your place, success would be a foregone conclusion**.

**In case of uncertainty, we mean success for us in getting into the England dressing room without risking prosecution and copping an eyeful of naked footballer. Not winning major football tournaments. Just so you know.

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8 Responses to “Sorting Out The England Squad: We’ve Sussed It”

  1. darla1985 says:

    Really sad for England, I guess the only exciting thing left in this World Cup to look forward to is a possible AMAZING final between Brazil and Argentina … Messi VS Kaka, yummy

  2. Cannot BELIEVE Wayne waxed his chest!! If there was a man less likely to wax, it would be him (or Roy Keane). Honestly, it had to be a dressing room prank or a dare. >:[

    Otherwise, it's all Terry's fault.

  3. Eva says:

    DEAD @ Ashley: We suggest you buy a carrier pigeon and devote your life to training it.


    Hello to everyone! :)

  4. Thea says:

    **this comment has been edited**

    Sorry gals – we can’t have those allegations discussed openly on the site. We will say that we think they’re all bunk, though. – Kickette Admin

  5. chefdi says:

    Sorry for England … and Italy, and France, and Portugal, and … but, on a high note, can I please have first refusal as your chef for that cookie bakery store when you go that direction in the future, maybe ??? I can send samples … xo

  6. EternalDreamer says:

    The caption with the picture is gold. But thinking about exiting the World Cup? Still :(

  7. Mrs.DiegoForlan says:

    aww! that first pic is the cutest thing i've seen all week!