January 25th, 2011

Special Delivery: Opening The Kickette Mailbox

Here at Kickette HQ, we don’t ask for much. Good footy, good eats, the ability to drink our own body weight in vodka without recourse, etc.

And though our day to day expectations err on the low end of the scale (arriving at the office with two matching shoes is deemed a successful event), we do so love it when our in-boxes bring us surprisingly joyful messages.
We’ve long suspected our readers are completely barmy and/or mad geniuses, so it’s nice when we have factual proof of their superfreak natures/superiority.

Thus ends a long-winded way of saying we’re going to start printing the crazy crap that our beloved Kickette Army emails over in the name of tips, comments and/or incomprehensible rants about DDRs facial hair.

So, in the name of slow news days and half-arsed blog postings that have become the norm ’round these parts, please enjoy three of our favourite reader letters from the last week or so:

FYI: Because we haven’t gotten the a-okay from certain readers, (Okay, all readers), that we’re about to expose for their fantabulousness – we’re going off of initials only.

The “Boo’d Up” Xabi Alonso Worship note:

In reference to the above shot of Mr. Alonso, one of our male readers had this to say:

This shot makes me think we should put Cupid up for ritual sacrifice and crown Xabi as the new God of Love. At first I was miffed that you didn’t post this pic, but on second thought it’s better you didn’t. Likely I would have burst into flames upon viewing this image without having taken the required safety precautions (e.g. sitting on ice). My only question is how do we get this man a UNESCO World Heritage designation. I think we now know why that Dutch bastard, Nigel De Jong, karate kicked our boo during the World Cup finals. Jealousy, plain and simple. Or possibly he didn’t understand his own feelings of passionately swirling physical lust for one of god’s perfect creatures on the pitch and couldn’t find the pigtails to pull. As always, love your work.


We laughed, we cried, we hit “reply all” 7 times.

And then we noticed the “P.S.”:

P.S. Thanks for introducing Volkan into my lexicon of drool worthy hunkification. But even a half naked sweaty Turk like him can’t motivate me to wax hallucinogenic like a fully clothed Xabi wearing make-up can (not too much make-up).

Fictional words and male objectification. That’s what gets us up out of bed each morning, dear readers. And we’re glad you appreciate.


Sometimes, it’s possible to sum up statements of profound meaning in just a few short words. Take for example:

The Fernando Torres Obsessive Letter of Concern:

I think F Torres is losing his hair… But he’s married aka DEAD, so what does he care?


The entertainment value of the “DEAD” kept us going for several hours. And for the record, we don’t think Mr. T is going the way of his Spanish mate Mr. Casillas… yet.


Last but not least, it’s always lovely to find an appreciative letter about what we do buried underneath the threats and beheaded voodoo dolls from those wishing to express their disappointment in Yoann Gourcuff being taken off the F5 list.

YouTube Preview Image

The Fan Letter With Nods To Obsessive St. Iker Lifestyle Affectations & Links To Something We Have Mentioned In The Past But Only Briefly That Deserves A Second Look:

In my busy lifestyle of deciding between which pic of Iker to put as the desktop background on my laptop, I may have missed the post where you put the Adidas commercial with David Villa, Xabi Alonso, and Fernando Llorente taking off their shirts. If so, I apologize heartily for thinking even for a moment that you failed in bringing us news of shirtless players. Otherwise, here’s the link, and I think it might become part of one’s morning ritual like it has for mine.


Keep ‘em coming, Kickettes!

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22 Responses to “Special Delivery: Opening The Kickette Mailbox”

  1. Ess-Jay says:

    Yoann…. Nom nom nom….

  2. Crackers says:

    Oh, the SIDE EYE!!! And the SUIT!!!

    Xabi, are you TRYING to remote-seduce every Kickette on the planet?

  3. Catie says:

    A. Love the photoshop job!

    B. That seems to be the most pointless, and yet most effective sports ad EVER (keep in mind I live stateside so I don't get the reference to Nov. 15). I'm putting this video on a loop!

  4. keziah says:

    I can't believe no-one has commented on the three hot shirtless players! I dont even get the reason for the ad but I wish they made more meaningless ads with half naked ballers…………aaaaaahhhhhhhhh………………………hmmmmmmmm….. oooooooohhhhhhhh……………………….. sorry I got carried away visualising the ads :-D

  5. rainstarmcgee says:

    i would melt if my FED EX guy looked like that..i would order so much stuff from the internet it would be ridiculous!

  6. I actually noticed Nando's hair (or strange lack of) the other day while he was bitching with Stearman… oh shiii.. I was hoping I imagined it.

  7. SoccerrLoverrr says:

    Why can't my mailman look liek yoann gourcuff!?

  8. [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by David Muir, Linda Fan. Linda Fan said: Special Delivery: Opening The Kickette Mailbox http://bit.ly/h8Te9C [...]

  9. C16 says:

    Oh Kickette!!! That Yoann picture is a work of art… You've left me speechless. He should be the official face of Kickette.

  10. lolala says:

    Brilliance! This just made my day!

    Ps Happy birthday Xavi!

  11. Leá says:

    The first letter was written by a woman after my own heart. This completed my day.

  12. LuvinBale says:

    Whoever DT is wrote the best fan letter- EVER!

    About Nigel De Jong:
    "Or possibly he didn’t understand his own feelings of passionately swirling physical lust for one of god’s perfect creatures"
    Oh my god I love it!! And I think its true. De Jong just didn't know what to do when he came into Xabi's presence.
    I on the other hand would collapse on to the ground in a sweaty lust induced heap. But hey that's just me.

  13. chefdi says:

    I can't begin to tell you how amazing my day has become now that I have started out the morning with this eye candy brilliance and wit ~ why am I not surprised?? Congratulations Kickette, you ALWAYS make my day!

  14. Summer says:

    Gorcuff in pink…He looks so nice, this color suits him very well..Yummy

    But also I'm very glad to see Xabi (This man is pure class) here again…I've just few thoughts about him, just a poetry:

    "Shall I compare thee to a Summer's day?
    Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
    Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
    And Summer's lease hath all too short a date:

    Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
    And oft' is his gold complexion dimmed,
    And every fair from fair sometime declines,
    By chance or nature's changing course untrimmed;

    But thy eternal Summer shall not fade
    Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest,
    Nor shall Death brag thou wanderest in his shade,
    When in eternal lines to time thou growest:

    So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
    So long lives this, and this gives life to thee."
    (Sonnet XVIII by William Shakespeare)

  15. nandosfreckles says:

    oh Kickette, you make my day.
    honestly, i feel like my day is all wrong if i don't come on here to read all this greatness XD.

  16. tracy765 says:

    Brilliant letters, but even more, thanks Kickette for the lovely photo of M. Gourcuff. I've now added to my (extensive) baller fantasy list one wherein I answer the door wearing only a towel to discover Yoann standing there waiting to deliver – ahem – a package.

  17. aristeia says:

    That 1st letter is just plain boss. Xabi also inspires me to create new words and take precautions for my physical health.

    Also, posting on the mobile version of this site is quite different than the regular site. Throwing me off.

    This is a great idea, btw… I can’t wait to read more.

  18. Spaniardlover says:

    PS, If Yoann isn't brought back to the Finest Five soon, I'm storming the Kickette Office and putting him back on it myself.

  19. Spaniardlover says:

    Nando is still hot as helllll, who is this chick who thinks he's dead?! Even though it made me laugh…. :)
    Also, long live the spanish national team. Can you say YUM? Oh wait, this is Kickette, stupid question.


  20. Leya_S says:

    Hahaha, YES!
    These pretty much sum up this website's all-around awesomeness.
    Xabi Alonso UNESCO World Heritage designation?!? LOVE it! Well done! Kickette Admins, I might consider the first person for a job, I think.