September 17th, 2010

Stephen Ireland: A Shiny Thing Too Far?

Stephen and Jessica demonstrate how in certain circumstances, soft furnishings can be utilised as a deadly weapon. Story first spotted via Brooksy & co. Photos: VIP Magazine via Broadsheet

We don’t apologise for what we are about to show you. In these times of outrageous wealth in football it’s easy to forget how toxic the combination of excessive wages and youth can be.

A fervent campaigner in this field, Stephen Ireland has taken the selfless step of opening his home to the public in order to illustrate the perils of paying young men ridiculous amounts of money and the horrifying consequences of an interface between unlimited wealth and a total inability to differentiate sartorial elegance from conspicuous consumption of shiny things.

Stephen, we admire what you’re doing. It’s a brave step for a great cause.

But Kickettes, before you embark on this short tour of Stephen and Jessica’s home, we would advise you to move at least fifteen feet from your screen, preferably in the vicinity of a large sofa to hide behind if it becomes too much. You may find some of the following images distressing. Or, fabulous. Whatever.

An early signal that traditional taste parameters are deteriorating is an obsession with one’s own self-importance. In this photo, Stephen and Jessica show us the ramifications of this activity being allowed to continue unchecked. Subjects who begin referring to themselves in the third person should be monitored especially closely.

At first glance, it might appear that Stephen has deviated from his cause. However, then we note the ‘shirt tucked into jeans’ combo and the message is driven home once again.

Finally, and most ominously, we see how early indoctrination of the next generation begins. It’s truly sobering, is it not, Kickettes?

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52 Responses to “Stephen Ireland: A Shiny Thing Too Far?”

  1. Lis says:

    That last picture is blinding. Good thing I have the keyboard memorized.

  2. Amandinha says:

    it's like tinkerbell and paris hilton farted all over that room

  3. Eva says:

    This is truly upsetting… Interior FAIL.

  4. taskeen says:

    Oh hells no. That’s all.
    Okay, one more: where on earth would they have found that silver monstrosity of a couch???!

  5. wally says:

    talk about jelous the guys just living his life if we all had the money we would do the same stop being turds and be happy for the guy

  6. Lotte (Zlatanista) says:

    I don´t know if it is the camera angle, but that pink room gives me the creeps. It´s a bunker with decoration inspired by a Disney-nightmare! Suddenly i feel very happy about the clutter and chaos in my kids rooms, with legos, books and Messi t-shirts strewn all around.

    • JulieFromParis says:

      haha… clutter and chaos u say?? That reminds me of someone's room *gives the side look to daughter* except for the Messi shirt, i would not tolerate it :)

      • Lotte (Zlatanista) says:

        LOL, The Messi t-shirts hardly ever gets washed because of the constant use. But in my home it is encouraged :)

    • Amandinha says:

      are you kidding? I'd rather have a smelly homeless person poking my eyeballs all night with a fork than sleep in that room!

  7. jamtart heart says:

    Hahahaha, merciful mother of God, hahahaha. This is five kinds of disastrous.

  8. EternalDreamer says:

    LOL. I feel your pain though.

  9. Leya_S says:

    This comment WINS.

    Although instead of just Cesc, please insert ENTIRE Spanish National Team.

  10. Whitney says:

    I know i posted earlier, but don't see it! UGHhh!!

  11. coco says:

    i don't think he wears the pants in that house….really….

  12. Simone says:

    ugly decorated

  13. JVD says:

    Even though the inside of the house is appalling… I can't get past the fact that he looks like a confused jack-o-lantern in the first picture.

    Also, they have kids? Hats off to them. My roommates and I couldn't keep a Beta fish alive.

    • Georgina Sanders says:

      Hahaha! Tyra Banks is gonna be mad because he doesn't have a neck. It looks like it's just floating.

  14. BarceLisa says:

    LOL that dog looks like it belongs in the American Gothic painting.

    poor thing. Even Tinkerbell never looked so terrified.

    • Pique~Xavi says:

      Ha ha ha good one… now all I can think about is that episode of south park with Paris Hilton and her dogs preferring to comit suicide.

  15. BarceLisa says:

    The rest of the house is okay except for that bedroom. Good lord, did Jessica use Barbie's Playhouse as a template for designing that room? I would have nightmares in that room, it looks like something out of Amityville.

    • Steph says:

      Seriously. It looks pretty creepy. :/ And I love pink, but THAT much pink? And hot pink, no less. Oh, god. NO.

  16. aps says:

    I don't think it's that bad. To each their own.

  17. LoseThatGirl says:

    Their poor dog looks like he's pleading at the camera for an intervention. HELP. ME !!

  18. I could say something like "You can take the boy out of Cobh but you can't take Cobh out of the boy", except I've been to Cobh and it's utterly charming. :S

  19. Red_Girl says:

    Even the dog is in shock.

  20. Whitney says:

    Please tell me this really took place on some set. That shiny couch is a close cousin to faux velvet. That pink room makes me want to hurl. As long as they're happy though…right? The sad thing is, i'd bet that couch cost an arm and a leg.

  21. Gioia says:

    Oh dear!!!

    Love the comment re "combination of youth and excessive wealth", though! :-)

  22. Georgina Sanders says:

    OMG! My mom thinks I'm losing it because I'm laughing only with myself in front of the computer screen.. Haha

    Actually, if you click the first link under this article's display picture, you will find the comments of Brooke extremely funny. And you will find this attractive sight that's part of their house:
    http://a323.yahoofs.com/ymg/ept_sports_sow_expert…

    That is before you want to rip your corneas out because of the excessively pink room. This is the lesson regarding the use of pink in room decorating: Too much is bad.

    • LuvinBale says:

      That outside of the house is gorgeous!!! They are ridiculous- but I will say that if they were to come to the states and do that type of thing in Jersey they would fit right in.

  23. Jules says:

    That first picture is very George Costanza and wanting to ensconce himself in velvet. Am afraid.

  24. Ava says:

    …… Why? D:

  25. Irene says:

    All main FCs should have an interior designer to help these poor poor football players and their wives with decorating. Why isn't Fifa/Uefa taking action on this?
    The Horror, the horror.

  26. Do they have kids? I mean they are so young, I think I heard that Jessica has a couple, that can't be true, shes like 22?

  27. hereforthenando says:

    You guys need to tag this as NSFPWE- Not Safe for People With Eyes. That couch is straight up offensive. What a terrible start to my day.

    • Natalya says:

      and that electric pink room! i shudder to think what that girl will grow up to be. how can she not be totally desensitized to life by now?

  28. jellenp says:

    That bedroom warrants a visit from Child Protective Services.

  29. Gabs says:

    This is the ultimate proof that money doesn't buy good taste.

  30. @McBatso says:

    money can't buy class ;)

  31. Jo_ says:

    MY EYES! The shiny…it burns them.

  32. OMG!! I've seen these pics before, but doesn't make it any less tacky. Eweeeee and the car she drives OMG! If I had so much money I'd want a mine cooper that's all it's a grand car

  33. Keri says:

    Whatever, that bedroom is amazing.

  34. Sara P says:

    O.M.G! So tacky. You would think that with that much money, someone could hire a PROFESSIONAL DESIGNER?!? Just looking at the HOT PINK room seriously hurt my eyes…could you imagine being blinded as you wake up in that bed? Aagghhh!

  35. Thea says:

    Kickette – hating the layout of their house as much as I hate this new layout !

  36. Erin says:

    As if the cars weren't bad enough, Ireland has now officially bagged the title of "Tackiest Footballer". And that takes some doing!

    • BarceLisa says:

      Tackiest Footballer… that we know of! I think this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to footballers.

  37. loveu2much says:

    i think his home is fab. he has the money so spend it like you like it. drive expensive cars wear expensive clothes live in expensive homes and even have expensive sex. all they might need is to hire an interior decorator to kinda put the colors in order. thats it.

  38. Jules says:

    Holy God, how does a child sleep in that room? The colour of that paint looks almost radioactive. It's all just so much. I think my brain may have been overpowered and melted into my skull…