July 29th, 2010

Style Files: Nut Brown Is The New Black

After several hours deliberation, we’re going with the ‘Nut Brown’. You? Images: AP Photo via Daylife, universovip.blogspot.com & Protek

We like to consider ourselves fairly in the know when it comes to the latest fashion trends, people. The amount of money we collectively spend on handbags, shoes and random bits of fabric suggests as much, anyway.

But unfortunately we appear to have been left behind with this ‘must have’ –  the obnoxious orange glow. Yes, apparently looking like a freshly varnished fence is the latest in high fashion and all of our favourite peeps are cheerfully hitting the bottle/can/paintbrush with gusto.

It’s rare, nay practically unheard of, but we are speechless at some of the sights gracing the tabloids of late. Whether it’s a look inspired by Jersey Shore (we’re not totally sure why anyone would want to emulate Snooki, The Situation and DJ Pauly D et al (left), but hey… who are we to criticise?) or a garden furniture show room, our only hope is that manufacturers will eventually catch on to the product shill opportunities offered by this travesty in tanning.

Who knows? Soon we might all be taking care of our wooden fixtures and fittings with a careful (and even) application of ‘Lampard Leather Look’. How marvelous would that be?!

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49 Responses to “Style Files: Nut Brown Is The New Black”

  1. Blackwood says:

    I hate tans. I hate the sun, the summer, the beach, and most people’s sudden personality switches when they’re in their swimsuits (some get all cocky and think they’re sex symbols, others usually comfortable in their own skin get insecure), so maybe I’m just biased. I like naturally dark skin, but when you have a skin color that it’s clearly not yours (no matter what new products are on the market right now, you can always tell it’s fake) it looks ridiculous, just like bleach blonde on someone with dark skin, eyes and eyebrows, or raven black hair on super fair-skinned and blue-eyed people. (although there are exceptions, it almost always looks bad)

  2. Eli aka NC says:

    Just a question, I don't live in the UK, thus I don't know anyhting about C. Bleakley: why do people detest her so much?

  3. jax says:

    Bradgelina, Tomkat and now Frank n Stine (courtesy of a Daily Mail reader!)How awful do these two look with their Oompa Loompa fake bake? Christine gets fuglier and older by the minute and she hasn’t even started her 3am wake up calls for her new job. 31? yeah right! Sorry to be so bitchy – I’m having a bad day so I thought I’d have a rant….

  4. Mrs Navas says:

    they aren't tanning!!!! they're baking!!!! where i live in Trinidad and Tobago it's sunny all-day-long!!! when we locals go to the beach we cannot afford to 'tan' i cant even go to the beach without sunscreen i have a dark complexion like dark oak. any little tanning and i'll be black till i'm blue!!!!. wam to figo and them boi!! "sunbathing". when they get skin cancer they will know.

  5. leila says:

    i dont get it, wouldnt a fake tan just be a spray on tan? if their body can tan that dark by itself than it is a REAL tan, be under the sun or under the tanning bed, it is real becuase their bodies are the ones producing the melanin

  6. Jamtart Heart says:

    If this isn't the surest route to 'dry' and 'leathery', I don't know what is. Dude is veering perilously close to 'beef jerky' territory.


  7. zahara says:

    Figo is really hot but he just redefined the word 'smoking'…literally and in a not a good way.

    eh but i still like him, tan or no tan

  8. aurrie says:

    im freakin african american with caramel skin and i dont even get THAT dark…jees someone could get skin cancer

    • Jheanelle says:

      Same here. I lived in Jamaica as a child and never ever got that brown even after being outside all day playing.

      He looks like a leather purse I have. He is dead on the same color!

    • singh says:

      poo skin as I like to call it, not caramel

  9. cr7 says:

    o0o come on now, he is southern european, they tan very very easily, in england where the sun doesnt come out alot this may seem awkward but in places like portugal, spain, italy the sun just beats down on everyone

    • Y says:

      this man has most likely been using sunbathing oil, he tans easily yes, but not to this degree, he has been baking, sorry frying, his skin!

    • Gabi says:

      Believe me, I'm Southern European too and I don't get like that. Not even after spending all the sun hours between June and September laying on the beach. Actually before getting tanned i first go pink. Then slightly brown. And when back to work, it takes 2 weeks and I return to my usual white. In truth, my mum is white blond English. But most of my friends don't get very brown. Actually two of them have developed allergy to sun-and it started before they were 25- ,so they can't sunbathe any more. So believe me, most Southern Euopeans wouldn't get that brown ever. Not even in tan beds.

      • Anonymous says:

        This is true for a friend of mine as well. She is Greek, and she’s even worse than you. She doesn’t tan at all, just turns beet(root) red. Then her skin peels off and there is virtually no change in color. Needless to say, she’s a fan of big hats, long sleeves, and SPF 900.

        • Rossanera says:

          Ditto. My genetic makeup is Spanish and Italian and I am very fair … I don't tan at all. I turn bright pink, and then red, and then I blister and peel. My mother (the Spaniard) is a bit more olive-skinned and she's just as bad.

          He looks frightening … like, he reminds me of the varnish my Dad just used on our pool deck. Seriously. It's the same color.

  10. Six says:

    He could be purple for all I care, Figo is smokin' hot. And by this color I could mean that literaly.

  11. Pam says:

    He’s less than 2 shades from being Ebony.

  12. Thea says:

    I am of Northern Cyprus/ Lebonese decent and even I will tell you that’s overkill. Altough with figo I take great delight in knowing that it’s really unhealthy thing for him to do!

    • Janey says:

      Hell, im black and he's the same colour as me!

      • iza says:

        HELLS BELLS, I'm mixed race from Durban(South Africa) and his darker than me, ver unhealthy. I'm naturally teaky-chestnut…love the tan chart tho<3

  13. Erin says:

    Lampard and Bleakley…Chavtastic!

    Not a fan of the ultra dark tan. Skin damage galore and looks awful to boot.

  14. Angie says:

    Wow, he's the same color as my rolltop desk! As for Frank and Christine, Lady Sovereign said it best: "Ya ran off to Boots and got a box of tinter, didn't ya?…Slap, bang you gotta fake tan. Bish, you look like the Tango Man!"

  15. Gabi says:

    That is called tanorexia. OMG!!! It’s not even attractive. Although I may be biased considering I have to put on high protection to avoid freckles and generally to avoid skin cancer. I blame my English mum, my Spanish dad is as white as Iniesta in winter and could get as tanned as Figo in summer-if he wanted to, which he doesn’t and therefore ends with brown armas and legs and the rest of him white. Poor thing, we went to a swimming pool in a hotel and it actually seemed he was wearing a t-shirt with his swimming costume. Some people took pictures with their mobiles. He was so embarrassed he crouched in the swimming pool stairs waiting for the spectator to fuck off. All these people will be covered in wrinkles before they hit 50!!!

  16. Jessie says:

    that's not hot, his skin looks like leather

  17. SunnyK says:

    Is Cary Grant his idol by any chance?

  18. FigoLover7 says:

    Luis Figo is so hot!

    the tan chart is a good idea ;)

  19. Moomin says:

    Just how chavvy and cheap do Bleakley and Lamps look? Awful. And as handsome as Figo is now, he won't be when the wrinkles and age spots kick in. Totally agree with Lose that Girl.

  20. SoccerDuckie says:

    Um…surely he's heard of melanoma? Hello…sunscreen bottles paging Figo…

  21. natalya says:

    looks more like "cedar" to me! or beef jerky. delishious

  22. Lisa says:

    Figo? good lord another Portuguese with a ridiculous tan?? I’m telling you its the Piri-Piri sauce.

  23. celestediaz says:

    You guys crack me up so much!!! I love the different shades of brown! Lol.

  24. cliu says:

    Perhaps sun exposure does break down brain cells — and while Frank Lampard might have started out with enough to spare, it’s not at all certain that the other tanning victims pictured could afford to lose the few they had!
    Oh well!

  25. C16 says:

    LMAO at the “inverse panda” effect on Christine. LMAO
    Seriously, I’m a little pale and there’s no way in hell I’d ever get tanned like that. It’s just ewww!

  26. Whitney says:

    I agree with the nut brown, but if you narrow your eyes a little bit rosewood fits too.

  27. dendrobiem says:

    the words that pop into mind are cedar chest! OMG… I could spend weeks on the beach in Hawai'i and never turn that tone… feel free to mix in some emollients while you're out there, Lu.

  28. gin_in_teacups says:

    No. No. I mean, I'm Hispanic, two of my best friends are Middle Eastern, growing up my best friend was Moroccan and another good friend was Greek. None of us ever turn this color in the summer, no matter how much time we spend on the beach. This is not normal.

    Also, orange is only a good skin color on Garfield. I'm looking at you Christine.

  29. Dee says:

    Um…I think he reached dark oak.

  30. LoveFootballLoveFoot says:

    I almost chocked on a piece of gum with this article. True, there is a health problem to deal with too but why people want to overdue their skin color is beyond me. If people care so much about looks why can't they figure out that while they get "great" tans now that only means wrinkles before you even suppose to have them? To me that would be worse than being a little pale. And most of this famous people had nice color to begin with.

  31. MadridistaJenn says:

    Oh my word! He looks like a piece of overcooked bacon! Someone should help him because all of that sun cannot be healthy.

    • Steph says:

      LMFAO. I see it. :P Seriously, though, he looks SO bad! That is just way too tan and extremely unhealthy. And Christine and Frank look orange! WTF? One reason why fake tans suck sometimes. :/

  32. jecca says:

    He's rapidly heading into Ebony territory. There's no way that's a healthy Mediterranean tan.

  33. Claire says:

    Bleakley & Lampard are ridiculous. Seriously, I just burst out laughing. :D :D

  34. lulu says:


    "Lampard" and "leather" in the same sentence is causing serious damage on my capacity to function normally *oomph*

  35. carly says:

    Well, to be fair, it's difficult for mediterranean people with olive skin tones NOT to turn into this colour after a couple of weeks in the sun. It's not exactly attractive but it's very common even when people use a lot of SPF.

    • Rossanera says:

      I don't think so … there seem to be a lot of Mediterraneans here saying this is overkill.

  36. Ew. Sorry but deep tans like this make me think of future skin cancer. Have had it in the family and it's not pretty.