April 7th, 2008

Style Files Exclusive: WAG Fug and Freeness

Kickettes, let us introduce you to our sisters in sarcasm, Heather and Jessica, from the hugely popular site Go Fug Yourself. The gals have (virtually) dropped into Kickette HQ today to give us their exclusive take on some recent creative, crazy and creatively crazy fashion stylings from Elen Rives, Abbey Clancy and Alex Curran.

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Also, to better ease the Monday morning blues, we’ve got three spanking new copies of their snarktastic new book,The Fug Awards to giveaway to our beloved Kickette readers.

Click through to read on and find out how to enter The Fug Awards competition. 

For those unfamiliar with the word “Fug”, it stands for “fantastically ugly” which basically covers 90% of our WAG targeted posts.

FUGGING WAGS

imageHere at Go Fug Yourself, we have a tremendous appreciation for the WAGs. The sunglasses! The hair! The short-shorts! The parade of dubious careers and unwanted eponymous fragrances! What’s not to like?

They’re a breed unlike any we have in the States—neither as obsessively fancy-schmancy as American socialites, nor as drunk as our starlets, and unless they’re trying to stab their husbands with their stilettos while driving, our athletes’ spouses stay out of the limelight.

Maybe that’s why we’re borrowing one of England’s for the book: the Queen WAG, Victoria Beckham. She’s the only one to make it across the pond and she gets an amazing amount of column inches. Lady Becks is an endless source of delight, to the point where frankly, it’s disappointing that we don’t get to see more of the Non-Spice Girl WAGs in the United States.

From what we have gathered from Kickette and other valuable historical documents, they are truly spectacular.

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Take, for example, Elen Rives and her unbelievably unflattering high-waisted, black satin corset-trousers, which come thoughtfully adorned with belt loops, in case you’re the sort of OCD case who worries about flashing your crack even in a situation where your waistline is in intimate congress with your armpits.

They almost distract from her giant lips—almost; is he that bad a kisser that she needs to numb the area so thoroughly?—which themselves are such a brilliant diversion from her clothes that it took us several gazes to notice that she also may have injected collagen into her arms. Why else would anyone need sleeves that massive? And while we’re here, what’s with the satin shirt under your ill-fitting suit, Frank? You look like a sweaty extra from Boogie Nights 2: Hot Boogie Days.

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We’ve seen a bit—or more accurately, a LOT—of Abbey Clancy over here because one of our cable networks is airing the show she did where Janice Dickinson pretends to mentor her and screams in horror at her inept runway walk. Abbey’s sandals/stirrup-pants combination here has us wondering if she’s suffering some sort of residual trauma from that. Perhaps a tragic accident from which her ankles have never recovered? Maybe Janice stole all her footwear in an (alleged) intoxicated rage? The poor kid is so focused on keeping everything below the knees strapped down that she hasn’t noticed that we can all see her bra.

Then there’s that other fool.

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Well, she has a name, Alex Curran, and we know she’s married to the dishy but potentially wee Steven Gerrard. Bravo to her for that (and for the lover-swap with Jennifer Ellison; Wikipedia is a WAG’s best friend, because it makes the girls sound so soapy and fascinating to us Yanks). What we can’t figure out is why Alex let those drag-clowns do her makeup, or what the logic was behind wearing tight white pants so snug she’s going to need a surgeon to remove them without breaking skin.

But we truly want to understand. We need to be educated about these things. For the love of Posh, can’t America get some more WAGS up in here?

FUG COMPETITION

To win one of three copies, of The Fug Awards, which covers such necessary categories as “Most Vexing Coiffure Catastrophes” and features our very own Victoria Beckham in the “Cher-Alike” category, just answer this extremely challenging question:

What WAG mentioned above is dating Peter Crouch?

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your answer.  The comp will be open until April 14.

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49 Responses to “Style Files Exclusive: WAG Fug and Freeness”

  1. spectre says:

    The bad thing is that Posh needs to eat something. The good thin gis that she was the only one pictured not wearing too much makeup. Not all guys are looking to date a clinique test bunny.

  2. annette says:

    love the stirrups.  love the fug.

  3. Kimothie says:

    This crossover was brilliance on toast ladies! Be sure to come back at some point.

    And yeah, I wish we had WAGS on this side of the pond as well.  I think at one point the press tried to make Landon Donovan’s girl into a “big deal”, but she wasn’t down with it.  Freddy Adu dated popstar JoJo while he was still living over here- so that’s something.  And um, Clint Dempsey’s fiancee/wife thingy is a small Toni Poole look-a-like, except that she is working on her doctorate degree at the mo’. 

    Hmm.

    Gotta get rid of the salary cap in the MLS! Then we’ll have some proper waggery!

  4. Becca x says:

    MXA, I Totally Agree, This Website Never Fails To Make Me Smile!!! 

    Poor Cech <img src="http://www.kickette.com/images/smileys/kiss.gif&quot; width="19" height="19" alt="kiss" style="border:0;" />

    But On The Whole Go Fug Yourself Situ… Elen Rives Never Fails On Wearing The Ugliest Clothes.

    She Really Doesnt Amuse Me.  <img src="http://www.kickette.com/images/smileys/angry.gif&quot; width="19" height="19" alt="angry" style="border:0;" />

  5. Nicole says:

    A meeting of the minds that should have happened long ago! I love it!

  6. dani,, MrsHarryKewell says:

    You too MrsX

    your comments always make me smile on a bad day raspberry especially the comments on the whole Baby Xabi thing lol x

    i luv the rest of yas aswell x

  7. The Fourth Official says:

    For those of you who missed it the first time:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XnS4gPysA_o

  8. carly says:

    There’s definitely a lot of material to cover with these women…

    Honestly, if they didn’t exist, nobody would have the imagination to invent them…

  9. linz says:

    I have to say, Abbey is not in any league with Elen and Alex…they are the Queens of Fug!!  Elen, she amazes me in every picture taken because her outfits get more ridiculous each time….but Alex is definitely competition because her outfits are completely WAGtasticly-fugly pretty much all of the time!

    for me its a two-way tie for Alex and Elen.

    **p.s. Frank would you PLEASE leave her, i can’t believe you actually go out in public with her dressed like that—or go out with her in public, PERIOD!

  10. Rusty says:

    I have a whole bunch of hair gel I don’t want, so I’ll mail it to Alex. Though who knows what the USPS and Royal Mail will think of that type of liquid.

  11. LoveLamps says:

    Blair, could not agree with your more.  Frank sans Elen and sans clothes is the best possible Frank!

    Elen is the worst by far on any given day and the example above is no exception.  Down with Elen!

  12. Kat says:

    Hee. I love Heather and Jessica (the ladies of Go Fug Yourself) and I’m glad that they finally did an article on Kickette about the WAGs.

    I agree with everyone else here. Kickette should do a crossover article with Go Fug Yourself one of these days, just to return the favor.  <img src="http://www.kickette.com/images/smileys/wink.gif&quot; width="19" height="19" alt="wink" style="border:0;" />

  13. Yasi says:

    Oh My God Elen is terrible!!!
    poor Frank!
    Lovvvve him!

  14. FabLove says:

    *Cough* Elen. It’s really not working with her. The satin pants that look like Michael Jackson’s, and the yellow shoes. I don’t really know about that.
    And then, pink lipstick? What’s happening Elen?

    And Alex’s hair looks so grey in that picture.
    Damn it, why am I always so negative?!

  15. RedGirl says:

    Lets see… In the last pic Alex is the one on the right, isn’t it??

    God I just love this site

  16. Blair says:

    I love a good WAG bashing on a Monday!

    …but did she seriously just point out a flaw in Frank Lampard. Oh no she didn’t. That’s no to be done to man who looks that amazing that I don’t really care what he’s wearing.

    … of course sans clothes would obviously be best. Hehe! wink

  17. MrsXabiAlonso says:

    <img src="http://www.kickette.com/images/smileys/lol.gif&quot; width="19" height="19" alt="LOL" style="border:0;" /> Love the insight into how the Fug Ladies see our wonderful WAG’s! Now the scary thing is that there are a hell of a lot of, erm, ladies (?) that actually dress like this too. Wagdom has kinda taken over England!! I havn’t given in yet, but that fake bake is calling…..!!!!!

    I’m thinking of sticking that picture of Alex on my mirror, never will I complain about my appearance again! Jeeeez she looks BAD!!!!

  18. Cherry says:

    Elen looks to be wearing a parachute. A pink bag with yellow shoes? And as for wee Gerrard, take another look. Even wearing a baggy kit doesn’t keep his bits covered. You see Gerrard, you see his bits. I gave up on Alex ages ago.

  19. Pussycat says:

    The color that Alex has sprayed on herself does not exist in nature.

  20. Amanda says:

    Oh my God, this was the greatest thing ever.  Though I don’t think Steven Gerrard is all that wee—perhaps people are confusing him with little Michael Owen?

  21. My God, there is actually something wrong with every outfit there. Elens, err, jumpsuit(?) could have been almost nice if she would have purchased the right size,but then she decided o twist it with those shoes and the sleeves and…oh my.

    And Abi, if you cut off the feet it looks okay in the first pic, but then you see the next…

    Alex… I like the top, and I hate the rest. WHY?!

    But the Go fug yourself-ladies, hilarious!

  22. Johnna says:

    Also… why do WAGs wear the most god awful shoes? I think the last pair of shoes I liked on someone was Toni Terry’s little white ones she wore with the black dress. (Though I’m down with anything Toni does, but that’s another matter.)

    But seriously. I wish I had as much money to spend on shoes as those girls. I wou’dn’t be caught dead in most of the ones they would pay 2,000 pounds for.

  23. Johnna says:

    Ahhahahah that was brilliant ladies! I too would like to see more Kickette/Go Fug Yourself crossovers (lord, I’m such a fandom nerd to say that word in a normal context) in the future!

    And you are right. We just don’t have WAGs over here. Probably because most of our soccer players are only making about $30,000 and their spouses actually have to hold another job. A job that does not include shopping everyday.

  24. lose that girl says:

    Elen’s lips are so massive to make up for the fact that Frank has none. She needs some cushioning!

    Blech!

  25. one_love=cesc_fabreg says:

    is it just me or colleen cud possibly get away wit anything she wears just because those dimples??

    anyways, winning FUG : ALEX GERRARD!!! hands down!

  26. FootballerChick43 says:

    I’m away laughing on a fast camel. I’m pretty sure the Go Fug Yourself ladies are now high up on my list of heroes.

  27. Elise says:

    Awww.  Right back atcha, MrsX.  kiss

  28. Elise says:

    TFO, I don’t even know what to make of that one! LOL How about this:

    http://www.erichongisto.com/ursula/Images/Mind-meld.jpg

    By the way, I have NO idea who these people are.  It’s completely random!  And-too funny- my security word is ‘young’.

  29. MrsXabiAlonso says:

    I know I say it a lot, but I really love you guys. You always make me smile smile

  30. Erin says:

    How exciting! I love the Fug Girls!!!  And I agree…we just don’t have the equivalent of the wonderful WAGs in the US.  I have always loved the football in the UK, and the men (married one!), but it wasn’t until I crossed the pond with him that I discovered the wonder of WAGs.  They are so deliciously, awfully fun! 

    Hope to see more Kickette-Fug Girls cooperation in the future!

    As for Alex…does tanorexia work like anorexia, where the person in question just does not see themselves?  She looks like an oompa loompa.  I myself like the fake tanner, but even I know how to avoid the orange and I’m not a gazillionaire.  Oh Alex….

  31. dani,, MrsHarryKewel says:

    OMG alex looks pathetically stupid !!

  32. The Fourth Official says:

    Me and Elise in a mind meld.

    http://colunas.g1.com.br/files/21/2007/11/horta2.jpg

  33. c9 says:

    Classic, TFO and Elise LOL

  34. Elise says:

    Uh-oh, TFO, your geek is showing!  LOL
    But that’s okay.  I fly the geek flag myself!

  35. The Fourth Official says:

    It’s almost like we’re in a Vulcan mind meld. <img src="http://www.kickette.com/images/smileys/wink.gif&quot; width="19" height="19" alt="wink" style="border:0;" />

  36. The Fourth Official says:

    “Frank?  You look like a sweaty extra from Boogie Nights 2: Hot Boogie Days.“

    Bwahahahaha!!!  Hilarious, ladies!!!  And surprisingly insightful commentary on our WAGS (thanks to Wikipedia – LOL!)

    Kickette needs to visit Go Fug Yourself now – sort of like a summer student exchange.  (But just for a day, send her back ASAP in case she decides that she prefers the MLS!)

  37. Elise says:

    TFO! <img src="http://www.kickette.com/images/smileys/lol.gif&quot; width="19" height="19" alt="LOL" style="border:0;" /> We posted at the same exact time with nearly the same freaking post! Too funny.

  38. Elise says:

    Yeah, I’m feeling very sorry for Cech right now.  It was apparently (if we can believe the Daily Mail) a tackle by Tal Ben Haim in training.  He somehow caught Cech in the face with his studs.  Ouch.

  39. The Fourth Official says:

    He got someone’s studs in his face during training.  Sky is saying 50 stitches, and out for two weeks.  Ouch!!

  40. carly says:

    OH my God TFO! 50?
    I heard something about an accident but didn’t know it was that bad.
    That poor man is so unlucky :(

  41. HoneyBee says:

    security word-lost 11(and they have certainly lost their style-maybe they never actually had something to lose).VB in my opinion looks good(although I think this is an old picture).
    Elen-green ring,yellow shoes,pink bag(You could close your eyes,walk into the store and still colour coordinate and dress better than her).Although her lips look huge this is the best photo of her face(which tells you just how bad her face is).
    sick
    Alex-maybe her face is always so puffed because her pants are always so tight(she must be wearing an oxygen bottle inside that purse). big surprise
    Abbey-wash your hair and get yourself a fashion therapy ohh
    I feel so mean this week.

  42. The Fourth Official says:

    Off topic, poor Petr Cech – fifty stitches in his mouth and chin!!!!

  43. Erin says:

    Frank Lampard looks like a gerbil.  I don’t get the Frank love.  Beady eyes, pointy nose, no lips….very rodent-esque.

    But then, many complain about Stevie’s wrinkled forehead and I think he’s the cutest thing, so to each her own. <img src="http://www.kickette.com/images/smileys/wink.gif&quot; width="19" height="19" alt="wink" style="border:0;" />

  44. Elise says:

    …sigh….
    Elen’s lipstick- why?
    It looks like she’s on her way to join Alex and the clowns in the other pic. 
    Elen’s outfit- why? It’s beyond hideous.
    Elen (full stop) – WHY?  WHY?  WHY?

    As for Frank, I can be on board with whatever shiny things he wants to wear, and even the tight suit if he really feels the need, but the shoes…I wish he wouldn’t.  Just in general, I wish he’d spend more time in JT’s closet.  (LOL-oh the slash jokes, but moving on…)

    Abbey’s leggings- no…just, no. 

    I can’t get over how happy Alex looks in that pic (which is a good thing- take it where you find it, I say).  Her expression looks like she’s thinking ‘Yes!  At last I have found my people!‘
      <img src="http://www.kickette.com/images/smileys/lol.gif&quot; width="19" height="19" alt="LOL" style="border:0;" />

    Ha!  My security word is english26.  Cute.

  45. brandy says:

    I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again: Frank borrows some of Elen’s shirts for his nights out on the town. I’m sure that gold get up has huge sleeves too.

    And Alex… she is such a catastrophe it is unbelievable. The eyebrows, orangeness, bouffant bottle blond hair. The ever-present hooker shoes. It all just makes me cringe.

  46. c9 says:

    Am I the only one who noticed and liked the pic of VB today?

    TFO- I do love that vid, it did give me a better appreciation of Lamps that I never had before <img src="http://www.kickette.com/images/smileys/wink.gif&quot; width="19" height="19" alt="wink" style="border:0;" />

    Who knew that there are people in the states that cared enough about WAGs to write about it. Love FUG and hope to see more of it!

  47. MrsSenderos says:

    Dont really do the Lamps thing but have to admit your videos fab Fourth Official – she really is one hell Of an ugly WAG!!!!!

  48. linz says:

    ahhh…that video does not get old!!! its too good!

  49. Blair says:

    Fourth Official… you’re bloody brilliant!