September 7th, 2010

Survey Says: Best of the Bottom or Flop from the Top?

At left, Cardiff City’s breakout boy, Jay Bothroyd. To his right is West Ham’s sulking striker Savio Nsereko. Images:, Wikipedia.

Today’s toss up is an interesting one because we’re pitting the best and brightest of the English Championship’s bachelors against the EPL’s biggest benchwarmers to determine how many of you are as shallow as we are.

Oh yes, we are going there.

Would you prefer being the top WAG of a footy tier without the glam and status of the PL or an unidentified partner of the top flight’s number one disappointment? Is there more self-respect in dating a ‘top’ lower-league footballer and all his impressively-learned second string trimmings, or trade up for the EPL-status and ‘slum it’ with a guy who sees no game time?

We’ve provided POVs arguing in favour and against all the reasons we’d choose one over the other but we need your two cents, Kickettes. We kindly ask that you hear us out before leaving your thoughts at the door.

Arguments For & Against Dating The Best Championship/League 1 or 2 Player

Pro #1: A Chance At Long-Term Love
Lower league guys are more the 2.4 kids and white picket-fence type of men – as opposed to the flash, reckless and rowdy lifestyle PL players are stereotypically known for. After all, most of our bad boy baked goods are required only after a night of debauchery (and douchebaggery) at one of the city’s finest seedy clubs featuring a gaggle of girls parading around VIP lounges with hopes of living the WAG lifestyle, even if only for one night.

The simple truth is, WAGabees don’t care about your non-league man, enabling him to remain as faithful as a man can be.

Con #1: A Stable Life Is Never Guaranteed
While your man performs tricks like a lapdog with hopes of catching the eyes of the first flight, a chance at a routinely normal life is not always in the cards. At a moment’s notice your man could be promoted – via his team winning the right to move up, him going on-loan in the EPL or him being sold to a foreign league – forcing a series of switches for you and your family man.

Secondly, he’s a guy, and there’s never going to be zero chance of him humping and dumping, no matter how sick or sucky his skill set is. Let’s be serious with ourselves and avoid the obvious mistakes made by our predecessors, please.

Michael Chopra and Heather SwanPro #2: Bragging Rights Among 2nd Tier Partners
So what if your best shot at stardom is in the form of quiz shows? That’s more than the other players’ wives can say.

Con #2: You Can’t Capitalize On Your 2nd Tier Career
Er… your best shot at stardom is in the form of quiz shows. And, if or when your personal life takes a turn for the worst, you rely on Facebook to deliver the “you’re dumped” news to your man… hardly something a respectable WAG would do. [Image via The Mirror]

Also, bragging rights among 2nd tier partners is really a temporary consolation prize for not being in the EPL. After all, if your fella’s team doesn’t even have real fans, it doesn’t matter anyway.

Pro #3: Lower League Lovers Come & Go As You Please
Because they aren’t subjected to the constant flinging of female bodies at their feet, they obey the laws of attraction quite well. Just ask Elen Rives, who from first-hand experience can tell you about the services fifth-tier toyboys can provide for rebound relationship tabloid fodder.

Con #3, 4 and 5: Your Man’s Place of Employment Can & Will Be Used Against You
There’s a WAG hierarchy and even if you’re sitting pretty at the top of the second-best, there’s always Alex Gerrard to bring you back to planet earth and remind you of your true standing in the overall table. [Image via Zimbio]

Arguments For & Against Dating The Worst English Premier League Player

Pro #1: The Premier League Perks
Preferred access at the club to see your man sit for a full 90 minutes. Nights out with your significant other’s rich & famous pals. Possible invites to private events so you can pose your little Marks & Spencer platformed hearts out. Looking good while ‘living the life’.

Con #1: There’s No Cash Cow
We have to remember that we’re talking some of the lowest of the low in what’s arguably the world’s toughest league to play in. Therefore, for the sake of this study, we must evaluate the ‘nominal’ salary West Ham pays out to Mido: £1,000/week.

That coin would barely pay for our groceries. Hell, even the backroom staff who worked during the Mourinho-era at Chelsea made waaay more than that. And, things only get worse if he’s the third choice goalkeeper.

Pro #2: There’s Room For Professional Growth
Because he’s on the crappy end of the spectrum, there’s still ample chance for you to slowly but surely work your way to the top of the food chain. You can even write a tell-all book about it once complete, securing you your own personal fame and fortune.

Con #2: Social Climbing Comes With A Price
Your reputation will be a communal joke, as will your overpriced plastic surgery gone awry, and you’ll never outgrow your Big Brother ties, which is the crawl-in-the-corner-and-cry kind of shame. [Image: WENN]

Pro #3: Breaking Free From The Pack
While being an uber WAG offers but a narrow path to notoriety (if you aren’t doing a hair/make up commercial within twelve months of appointment, you’ve basically failed), it’s all been done before. Operating in the half light that is bench warmer’s beau, you have carte blanche to forge your own path; the track suited terrorism of Yulia Voronin being a prime example. You might look ridic, but at least you’re original, yes?

Con #3, 4 and 5: The Reality of the Situation at Hand
Your man’s broke and can’t play for sh*te. Plus, just like the ladies-in-waiting beneath you, your fate could take a turn for the worse if your man’s club gets relegated at the end of their season. Where’s the silver lining in that cloud?


Our bottom line

We’ll take the good, the bad or the downright fugly of the EPL any day of the week over a potential partner who hasn’t yet cut it against the big boys.


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26 Responses to “Survey Says: Best of the Bottom or Flop from the Top?”

  1. neenyah says:

    I’d rather go with the best lower-league footballer, than the benchwarmer of a top club. I’m just imagining that a benchwarmer could form “insecurities” with the way he plays, how he doesn’t get enough game time, fears that he might be loaned out, etc.. and I kinda don’t wanna date whiners. On the other hand, a great player in a small club gets an “ego boost”, plus it kinda says something about his football philosophy, how he just loves playing the game and wouldn’t wanna be a sell-out by moving to a big team just for the money and the trophies.

    But you know, I might eat my words.. It will all depend on the situation. ;)

    • Jo says:

      Great point. Whingers need not apply.

    • Lisa says:

      if a benchwarmer is insecure it is up to the WAG to comfort him and raise his spirits. By that I mean boink like rabbits… Unless your name is Belen Rodriguez, then you could be doing more harm than good.

  2. sounderslove says:

    hm…well it’d be so incredibly slutty to say i’d choose the bottom of the epl and cheat work my way up…

    honestly, as far as being a WAG goes, i’d probably fail. well, i suppose it depends on your definition of failure, but i’d be one of those who you never really hear about (olalla, carla, etc). so…bottom of the epl for me.

  3. Jo says:

    Hmmm…an ambitious WAG might use the benched EPL baller as a stepping stone to better and brighter things. ;) However, I'd rather that my man actually play. I'll be the noisy, lower-league WAG who gets to cheer/curse at the plays and calls. Footy passion wins this toss-up.

  4. Jen says:

    ill take the lower league player if he looks like yoann gourcuff! :)

    • Jen says:

      otherwise, ill just take Yoann himself! :)

      unfortunately, we barely get EPL football in the US let alone the lower leagues so i dont know much about the lower leagues, and sooo i'll take an EPL guy…but not one from Man U.


  5. Inés says:

    I'd love to date a baller!

    even those sh** players that are in small clubs in very low divisions in my town!

    a baller is a baller….and they all have their charm!

    I'm a such a botinera!

    • sounderslove says:

      i’m with you there.

      my advice: find a REALLY random national team (some of the tiny european countries are good for this), and stalk their reserves. then you can say you’ve dated a reserves player for the —— national team.

  6. Zinny says:

    It sounds cheesy but if I loved the man, I wouldn’t care either way. Sure, both sides have pros and cons but for me, the league he played in wouldn’t make a difference.

  7. Lisa says:

    Kickette since you made this question specific to England, it makes the decision a whole lot easier. I would gladly take a EPL benchwarmer over a top Championship player. The days of a English lower-leaguer rising through the ranks and maintaining a successful career at the highest level are pretty much over. The last player I can remember doing this was Teddy Sheringham. If you date a benchwarmer or a talented Academy player at an EPL club, the short-term payoffs are much more rewarding than long-term ones with a lower-leaguer. Basically all “The Premier League Perks” for me make up for any Cons. If you’re gonna be scraping the bottom of the barrel, at least have fun and look good doing it!

  8. Leya says:

    There are lots of good points both in the post and in all the comments as well and I had to think for a while on this one.

    I think I'd go lower league. I'm not much into scandal and posing and partying, so if he's top of League 1 or 2 and he loves what he's doing than thats the guy for me. I'm also planning to be wealthy by my own means (career path and various other low-profile but high-return side endeavors) so how much money he makes would be a non-issue. Besides, you don't have to date an EPL baller to rock some Louboutins and Fendi sunglasses when you feel like it.

    The potential traveling from loans or changing of clubs or what have you wouldn't bother me for the most part. I love to travel, and I was just telling one of my friends that I think it'd be kind of cool to be a "mid-range" player; you know, the kind that bounces around a bit and lives in all different places, has fun playing the game, and is decent at all the clubs he's at. I would totally be with that guy. Maybe when it came time to make some babies it might become an issue, but that's like a minor hiccup in my book.

    All in all, as someone previously stated, as long as there's love, that's all that counts.

    …feel free to vom now. ;)

  9. aristeia says:

    I have a weird phobia of being on tv, etc… so the less famous the better. Although if the guy was worth it… I'd try and make do. ;)

  10. Iris says:

    I’d rather have a normal player without all the fame than a great player who’s in the tabloids every day. And I like to watch the matches in the lower leagues better than the PL. So definitely a lower league player for me.

  11. Sylvia15 says:

    I only go for the Spanish or Yoann Gourcuff..

    No english…. preferably someone European…but not English :)

  12. Well, if you’re looking for some truly nice guys who just love football for the sake of it, the lower in the Leagues you go, the more of them there are.

    • Lisa says:

      that's right its all about passion for me too. Posts like this are what make me realise I'm more attracted to football hooligans than players.

      I realised this when I watched movies and documentaries about hooliganism. I cannot be this attracted to Elijah Wood and Danny Dyer, its not right.

  13. JV says:

    I'm going into a lucrative field and money won't be a problem, so which ever guy I really liked I would go after. Having said that, if I was just after a hot guy, then the best looking one would win. If I were a gold digger I'd be going after a team owner/exec. I mean, a good gold digger should go after men who sign players checks, not the players chasing them, right?

  14. Maribel says:

    Wow, Kickette, this is a really interesting question! After much soul searching (well, not really) it is clear to me that I’m pretty shallow and would take the bench-warming PL player in a heartbeat. But I’ll skip the plastic surgery and Big Brother stint, thank you very much! :)

  15. Freya says:

    I actually think I'd prefer the lower league player as opposed to the bench-warming EPL failure…at least that way you could be proud of your man.

  16. Good question, Kickette!

    Depends on the player and their personality. because I would lovelovelove Alvaro Morata (who is pretty obscure still) but I would never love, say, Cristiano Ronaldo.

    Oh, and you left out the other option: Sleep with best of top and then sell story to tabloids…seems like an option often chosen, no?

    • Steph says:

      I agree with that last one. That's one they should've put on here. It seems like there's more and more of these stories coming out lately. :/