September 7th, 2010
Survey Says: Best of the Bottom or Flop from the Top?
At left, Cardiff City’s breakout boy, Jay Bothroyd. To his right is West Ham’s sulking striker Savio Nsereko. Images: Zimbio.com, Wikipedia.
Today’s toss up is an interesting one because we’re pitting the best and brightest of the English Championship’s bachelors against the EPL’s biggest benchwarmers to determine how many of you are as shallow as we are.
Oh yes, we are going there.
Would you prefer being the top WAG of a footy tier without the glam and status of the PL or an unidentified partner of the top flight’s number one disappointment? Is there more self-respect in dating a ‘top’ lower-league footballer and all his impressively-learned second string trimmings, or trade up for the EPL-status and ‘slum it’ with a guy who sees no game time?
We’ve provided POVs arguing in favour and against all the reasons we’d choose one over the other but we need your two cents, Kickettes. We kindly ask that you hear us out before leaving your thoughts at the door.
Arguments For & Against Dating The Best Championship/League 1 or 2 Player
Pro #1: A Chance At Long-Term Love
Lower league guys are more the 2.4 kids and white picket-fence type of men – as opposed to the flash, reckless and rowdy lifestyle PL players are stereotypically known for. After all, most of our bad boy baked goods are required only after a night of debauchery (and douchebaggery) at one of the city’s finest seedy clubs featuring a gaggle of girls parading around VIP lounges with hopes of living the WAG lifestyle, even if only for one night.
The simple truth is, WAGabees don’t care about your non-league man, enabling him to remain as faithful as a man can be.
Con #1: A Stable Life Is Never Guaranteed
While your man performs tricks like a lapdog with hopes of catching the eyes of the first flight, a chance at a routinely normal life is not always in the cards. At a moment’s notice your man could be promoted – via his team winning the right to move up, him going on-loan in the EPL or him being sold to a foreign league – forcing a series of switches for you and your family man.
Secondly, he’s a guy, and there’s never going to be zero chance of him humping and dumping, no matter how sick or sucky his skill set is. Let’s be serious with ourselves and avoid the obvious mistakes made by our predecessors, please.
Pro #2: Bragging Rights Among 2nd Tier Partners
So what if your best shot at stardom is in the form of quiz shows? That’s more than the other players’ wives can say.
Con #2: You Can’t Capitalize On Your 2nd Tier Career
Er… your best shot at stardom is in the form of quiz shows. And, if or when your personal life takes a turn for the worst, you rely on Facebook to deliver the “you’re dumped” news to your man… hardly something a respectable WAG would do. [Image via The Mirror]
Also, bragging rights among 2nd tier partners is really a temporary consolation prize for not being in the EPL. After all, if your fella’s team doesn’t even have real fans, it doesn’t matter anyway.
Pro #3: Lower League Lovers Come & Go As You Please
Because they aren’t subjected to the constant flinging of female bodies at their feet, they obey the laws of attraction quite well. Just ask Elen Rives, who from first-hand experience can tell you about the services fifth-tier toyboys can provide for rebound relationship tabloid fodder.
Con #3, 4 and 5: Your Man’s Place of Employment Can & Will Be Used Against You
There’s a WAG hierarchy and even if you’re sitting pretty at the top of the second-best, there’s always Alex Gerrard to bring you back to planet earth and remind you of your true standing in the overall table. [Image via Zimbio]
Arguments For & Against Dating The Worst English Premier League Player
Pro #1: The Premier League Perks
Preferred access at the club to see your man sit for a full 90 minutes. Nights out with your significant other’s rich & famous pals. Possible invites to private events so you can pose your little Marks & Spencer platformed hearts out. Looking good while ‘living the life’.
Con #1: There’s No Cash Cow
We have to remember that we’re talking some of the lowest of the low in what’s arguably the world’s toughest league to play in. Therefore, for the sake of this study, we must evaluate the ‘nominal’ salary West Ham pays out to Mido: £1,000/week.
That coin would barely pay for our groceries. Hell, even the backroom staff who worked during the Mourinho-era at Chelsea made waaay more than that. And, things only get worse if he’s the third choice goalkeeper.
Pro #2: There’s Room For Professional Growth
Because he’s on the crappy end of the spectrum, there’s still ample chance for you to slowly but surely work your way to the top of the food chain. You can even write a tell-all book about it once complete, securing you your own personal fame and fortune.
Con #2: Social Climbing Comes With A Price
Your reputation will be a communal joke, as will your overpriced plastic surgery gone awry, and you’ll never outgrow your Big Brother ties, which is the crawl-in-the-corner-and-cry kind of shame. [Image: WENN]
Pro #3: Breaking Free From The Pack
While being an uber WAG offers but a narrow path to notoriety (if you aren’t doing a hair/make up commercial within twelve months of appointment, you’ve basically failed), it’s all been done before. Operating in the half light that is bench warmer’s beau, you have carte blanche to forge your own path; the track suited terrorism of Yulia Voronin being a prime example. You might look ridic, but at least you’re original, yes?
Con #3, 4 and 5: The Reality of the Situation at Hand
Your man’s broke and can’t play for sh*te. Plus, just like the ladies-in-waiting beneath you, your fate could take a turn for the worse if your man’s club gets relegated at the end of their season. Where’s the silver lining in that cloud?
Our bottom line
We’ll take the good, the bad or the downright fugly of the EPL any day of the week over a potential partner who hasn’t yet cut it against the big boys.