Theo Walcott & Melanie Slade: On A Mission
Mel adjusts her GPS tracker while Theo studies the instruction manual for his mobile communicator headgear. We’re not optimistic as to the success of this mission, if we’re being honest.
Despite articulating our views on the Cesc Fabregas vacay situation a couple of days ago, we still don’t feel that we have the kind of closure we need to allow us to rest easy in our beds. The sight of one of our men wandering poolside in a befuddled manner with an unidentifiable female companion troubles us deeply.
Hence why, at great personal cost to ourselves, we’ve dispatched two of our best operatives to comb the beach bars and swimming pools of Nice, France, to gather information and sightings of the ‘couple’. Carefully made up to resemble a typical footballer and his partner on holiday, Theo Walcott and Melanie Slade will be remaining incognito on their loungers for the foreseeable future, advising Kickette of any breaking news via a special video link system concealed in Theo’s hat.
Do not approach them. They’re working, goddamn it!
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