September 14th, 2009

Hot or Not? The Boys on the Bench

Hottie or Nottie?

Our Finest Five number 3 Miguel Torres is now a Burger King boy (we’re sure you know about his pre-season switch to Getafe that will -hopefully- net him some pitch time.)

We’ll admit that we were perfectly content watching our boy and his robust rump ride the Real Madrid bench for many a match and were far more upset by the fact that he has never showed any interest in sharing his Whopper Junior with us. Sadface.

We’d like to think we can appreciate a man’s high heat index whether he’s an all-star hotshot or an 89th minute substitute. However, we’re way more superficial than that. Try to act surprised.

Miguel Torres - Image via Real Madrid.comWe consulted with our accountants and determined that a player’s sizzle stock is a combination of 1) playing time/team participation 2) sex appeal of current club 3) the temperature at which his plump posterior warms that bench.

It’s a tricky call.

The higher profile players do turn our heads. Watching them in action every week keeps the homefires burning for us. Watching a guy like Migi purse his lips all day without breaking a sweat is highly entertaining, sure. But being rejected from the front door of Whiskey Mist due to our man’s inability to impress the clipboard nazi would be devastating beyond repair.

How you feel about benchwarmers*, Kickettes? Are your picture folders starved for attention when a footballer’s bottom migrates to value-meal pastures with a side of on-field action? Do you feel your love waning watching your favourite player’s boots stay box-fresh day in, day out? Do tell.

*Injured players not included.

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21 Responses to “Hot or Not? The Boys on the Bench”

  1. Lta says:

    He's hot and his new team, Getafe, can play. They have an ex Real Madrid legend as coach and played wonderfully last weekend.

    Nope, I'm not a Getafe fan but credit where credit's due.

  2. Katania says:

    just wanted to mentioned that he played indeed a whole match at the weeken. :D

  3. Amy says:

    oh, he's definitely a hottie.

  4. Becca (mrs lampard!) says:

    i think when some one plays for your club, and scores goals/ helps the team win it is all part of you love for a player.
    I think its hard to love a benchwarmer, but i have been know to before.
    although, its better not to get too attached because you know sooner or later they are going to leave (eg steve sidwell!) :(

  5. carly says:

    Those are sad times when the best moments of the match are related to the bench (or worse….the stands!!! *cringes*). It has happened to me a few times. But it's also comforting to look at the bench and see lots of pretty :)

  6. Katania says:

    normally i would say play time is important, but still he isn´t normal at all, at least his hotness is not normal. He´s the sexiest man on this planet, with that little touch of innocents and shyness he can have them all…. don´t understand why he´s only third, for me he´s number one. Anyway i want a Royal TS oh wait that was McDonalds :D

  7. Boo says:

    it does get a bit frustrating when the pretty isn’t doing any grass time, he’s supposed to be a footballer after all. on the other hand seeing him to a small club is hair pulling. (been there, done that) it’s no fun watching a shitty team just to see the object of your affection! then again i like footie just as much as pretty

  8. IloveSlavenBilic says:

    bench or pitch…..this guy is so hot he is smokin ….and , yes, I´ll have one with extra onion and ketchup, please ……

  9. Anya says:

    Miguel is one of those players that you don't really care where and how they are playing.

    When I saw him on the pitch, I always asked myself "What the hell are doing, wasting your time playing football?"

    He wasn't that bad defender, but Madrid has better left backs, and Miguel belongs to Armani campaign.

  10. Liz says:

    I don’t care where Migi plays, he will always be my Number 1!

  11. Fer_Lahm says:

    Burger King kills me lmao

  12. GinaVillamelon says:

    Well, I know all about the hot guys on the bench. And I'm going to have to say, benchwarmer or not, my love for Vicente will never fade. Even if he seems to be permanently attached to the damn bench these days because of some deep seated issues the manager has with him. *sigh*

    Of course, he didn't always use to be a benchwarmer, which is probably what made me fall in love with him in the first place, because he really is mindblowing when he gets a chance. Still, he'll always be way out ahead of any other player who gets regular minutes on the pitch to me.

  13. MissEstonia says:

    Honey, I don’t care if Miguel is on the bench, in the dressing room, or relegated to Mars to watch from the telly. I’ll always, always love him no matter what.

    As far as other boys on the bench go, it’s true, I love the pitch-ballers more. But the bench-ballers are always going to be squeaky clean and not covered in sweat and grass stains. And stud marks on their thighs/faces.

  14. Zatti says:

    oh migui, why did you leave?

    wearing a pretty shirt in the bench is better than wearing this horrible thing on the pitch!!!!!!!!

    Real is uglier without you!(i mean, we still got kaka and CR…)

    good luck thougth!

  15. FootballerChick43-&q says:

    Generally most of the people I find hot are on the bench. Which is pretty sad. But I agree with Liz – the bench shots are amazing because of the entertaining expressions on their faces.

    Miguel Torres – yum. Miguel Torres with a Burger King logo on his chest? Ehhhhh….

  16. Baby Freya says:

    If the player is ridiculously hot (yes, I am that shallow) then benchwarming is OK, however, if said player is not ridic hot then benchwarmers don't do it for me.

    And that Burger King sponsor is SO distracting, I can't even gaze at Migi's beauty for that whopping thing!

  17. Benchwarmers never do it for me.

    Somehow they don't manage to garner half the attention they do sitting on the bench and they all look remarkably similar then.

  18. Maristela says:

    This Miguel guy resembles me a lot Caua Reymond, a Brazilian TV soap opera actor (I think that both are not attractive at all, but i's only my opinion).

    Check it out Caua:…

    • Winnie says:

      omg! yesss! Cauã is SO hot….

      but anyhooo…

      Minty WHY? WHY would they do this tooo you!?

      it breaks my heart to see you with that BK logo stamped accross your chest my love! :(

      and here’s my motto about hotties on the bench

      “if he keeps that bench hot, why not?”

  19. dcubetcha says:

    I think it's more about the team in general for me. Being benched for Real Madrid is still sexier than playing 14579824573 minutes for FC Happy Meal.

    The thing that bothers me is when ridiculously sexy people are stuck hawking ridiculously not sexy things on their jerseys. So sad. Like Liverpool's new sponsor? I cried.

  20. Liz (Mrs. Vucinic) says:

    I don’t really notice the ones that sit on the bench a lot. But I do like the bench shots during the games, they all have the most entertaining expressions on their faces.