August 17th, 2009

The Elite Eleven: Our 2009 Squad Selection

EXIIt’s the ultimate fantasy team – our 2009 picks for the hottest squad of the season.

You know, we’re feeling reflective, Kickettes. We’ve learned a lot about life, the universe and base layers over the course of making our selections. Indeed, we never thought one could become numb to abs or short tents, but it’s possible. We’re checking ourselves into a rest home to help deal with the vertigo.

Now onwards we go. Please – we implore those of you that take this type of thing very seriously (ie, everyone), to please read our selection notes below prior to sharing your feelings/having a spasm/calling the government to report us.


Kickette Elite XI

Kickette Elite XI

1. Those who refused to remove the garments.

On the pitch or off, top half, bottom half or both, we don’t discriminate but we did eliminate based on a lack of skin.

2. Those injured.

It is with our deepest regret that the delicious Owen Hargreaves and his crocked companions were left off the options list.

Kickette Elite XI

Kickette Elite XIIf they were out for a majority of the 08 – 09 season, they haven’t had the chance to provide copious amounts of groin, thigh or arse flash needed to make the competitive cut.

Come see us when you’re ready to suit up again and we’ll gladly reconsider.


Kickette Elite XI

Kickette Elite XI

Treating men like physical objects strictly for visual pleasure is wrong. Carry on.

3. Those retired.

Looking at you, (often), Maldini.


Kickette Elite XIKickette Elite XI1. Wanting to cover all types of sex appeal: toy boy, dirty hot, smooth operators, sophisticated gentlemen, lifetime love, etc.

We really wish to cater to every fantasy imaginable.

2. Our personal views and the compelling, highly detailed evidence and comments made by our fantastic legion of Kickette soldier girls.

We’ve laboured (and argued) over these choices for almost a year: trust us, we were in agony over the exemption of some of our favourite players.

Kickette Elite XI

Kickette Elite XI

(On that note – please can everyone refrain from calling politics on our choices? It takes the fun out of the game a tad.

If we bowed down to reader pressure, Nando would have been on our F5 list 2 years ago.

We’re lucky to still have all our fingers and toes we’ve upset the Nandettes so greatly. So let’s all refrain from said assumptions and just get drunk and ogle.)

Kickette Elite XI

3. Player positions

This may be a team entirely consisting of eye candy, but we wanted them to be technically able to play an actual game, should FIFA call.

Our kit? Shorts, no shirt, natch.

Obviously all players would be hosed down before taking the pitch.

Hope you enjoy! Special thanks to MA and CT.

Kickette Elite XI

Kickette Elite XI

Kickette Elite XIKickette Elite XI
Kickette Elite XIKickette Elite XI

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128 Responses to “The Elite Eleven: Our 2009 Squad Selection”

  1. Frances says:

    Andy Carroll….just sayin

  2. misia says:

    made my day!
    but you know – I do respect Nino Torres more for not undressing that quickly
    btw – where is Andrea Pirlo I ask?

  3. smahncke says:

    This stuff is hilarious!!!!! You made my day!!! Love your sense of humour on this site and the comments with pics. Will be checkin' in regularly! :)

  4. sierra says:

    where is pique

  5. tool steel says:

    Good stuff as per usual, thanks. I do hope this kind of thing gets more exposure.

  6. Mumtaz says:

    OMG! i missed this part! WOW!!! Kickette, i love you!

  7. Eiro says:

    Good team! Cheers to Nando and Cristiano! But where's my Kaka??

  8. Sabah says:

    Where is Daveeeed Villa?

  9. SpellLove-I_K_E_R says:

    Kickette…I am truly, deeply disappointed and frankly…appalled. I understand the effort you put in to this list, but never, EVER, in my wildest dreams would I have expected Iker Casillas, THE goalkeeper, THE Saint to be a substitute.
    And th nerve you have to title it "Sexy Subs". You Should be ashamed. That makes up for nothing. And the whole list…could have might as well been 11 clones of the ugliest footballer in the history of footballers, because no Iker…no nothing.
    I thought you people were a girl's best friend. I was ready to trade in diamonds in exchange for your articles….

  10. SexyC. says:

    he is perfect *rawwr*

  11. MrsCasillas says:

    Casillas is hot!
    (an c'mon Iker is hotter than valdes ;D)

  12. Africa says:

    Ferrari best

  13. anfield_girl says:

    I want an elite XI of 2010 :) more eyecandy to stare at and lighten up my day :)

  14. Tanya says:

    The Berba? Iker DOES deserve to be higher. Also have you seen this one Brazilian guy I think his name was KAKA.

  15. celli says:

    Excellent choices–Kickettes. I'm with the Nando-Lovers-United. The only one I would say you are truly missing, which I don't see much of on the site–Kaka?! OMG! Hello Brasilian Babe, Superfine, Sexy/Hotness!

  16. NandoFo'Shizzle says:

    hello to those pics of Nando,

    freckles hot hot hot

  17. mrs jt :) says:


    do we have a captain of this teamm?

    surely it needs one, no?


    • NandoFo'Shizzle says:

      But Kickettes, you all seem to forget, it's not Iker or Valdes

      WHERE IS CECH???

  18. mrs jt :) says:

    well done kickette :D

    its gotta be the best looking team that ive ever seen ha

    anddd john terry deserves his place.. so thanks for puttin him in ;)

    frank can come too hot. (L) itt!

  19. Boston Red says:

    Wow! I can honestly say I don't disagree with any of that. Not even Terry… I'd still have to put a bag over his head and put some earplugs in, but the underwear shot got me. And of course Keano, the hottest ever, is leading them out. A job well done, girls!

  20. Rusty (Mrs Clemens F says:

    OMG, I just noticed Manager-Assistant Manager-Kit Man-Water Boy. *snort*

    Plus, I see thanks to MA and CT as Massachusetts and Connecticut. As someone who has lived all but four years of her life in those two states, yer welcome :-P

  21. cyd525 says:

    i would definitely leave John Terry out—in fact, i wouldn't give that scumbag the time of day…and no Stevie G? i guess i can almost understand it: i don't think he takes his shirt off nearly enough, but that one pic of him walking away with his bum cheek bared should have secured him a spot no questions asked!! and where is Pepe Reina?

    • Rebecca says:

      leave jt out for being a scumbag?? then asking for stevieee G??..IM CONFUSED!!..steven gerrard is the worst for that it's just not publicised.

  22. imhereforthenando says:

    Wow. I am completely blown away. While I don't agree with all of the choices (Iker as a sub?? I would never have expected this from you, Kickette) they were generally amazing and drool-worthy. I am happy beyond measure that you included Fernando, since he has been unfairly left out of the Finest Five for years.

    Kickette, you are the best thing in my life. Thank you.

  23. smut says:

    Habib Beye… Habib…!

  24. VR2BW-KASH says:

    ver is wenger????? thees ees an outrage!!! that man is a sexy piece of ass.i would hit that. generally pleased would have loved to see my stevie and shocked at the iker snub ouch, harsh. but i love me some nando and bendtner with chocolate and whipped cream please oh, and don’t forget my cherry nicky lolz :)

  25. Yoyo Ma says:

    The only thing worse than this list is the descriptions of the types of hot each guy is.

  26. gunner-chica says:

    no cesc?uhgggg

    n valdes over iker..cmon now

  27. Sarah says:

    Valdez over Iker??! EWW…

  28. sue says:

    Where is Rio and Steven Gerrard? NOOOOO…

  29. Nando's Ma says:

    Aitor Ocio – thank you for leading me to the light, Kickettes. Never noticed his lushness begore (maybe cos he always has his shirt on when I see him?). Wouldn't have included JT (cannot see any attractiveness in him at all, looks like any other cockney chav down the pub) or Frank (beady eyes and thin lips, though nice bod) and have never understood Ronaldo's attractiveness to women (he's just too oily and camp for me, sorry) but no complaints about the rest at all (well Keane and Jose look too old to be attractive to me but each to her own). Keep up the good work xxx

  30. missy says:

    where is cesc? some of the choices are well dodgy. yuck!

  31. ilovelamps says:

    you nailed it on the gaffers…maybe a bit more camera time on leonardo and keane is required. Silver foxes unite! xx

  32. ilovelamps says:

    oh my god – spot on with gaffers yummmmo xx

  33. Winnie says:

    still can't get over this!

    that Valdes picture….OMG!!!

    lo, i think i read this every day!!!

  34. alona says:

    Nando, Cesc, Lampsy, Iker, Vidic, Ronaldo, Arshavin, Miguel Torres, Sergio ramos, Drogba, Kaka. love the Mourinho and Leonardo additions!

  35. livealittle says:

    Kickette, i whole-heartedly approve. All that hotness on one team…i need to go get a cold compress and lay down.

  36. mary says:

    Iker Iker Iker
    Will u just let me LOVE u.

  37. Daniela says:

    I certainly approve! ;]

    i prefer Iker over Valdes but to tell you the truth, i wasn't paying too much attention to the positions. i was mostly staring at the eyecandy.

  38. Nena says:

    I do not completely agree, but mostly though hahahaha


    Ok, that's all.

  39. Inés says:

    I have a small question…..where is cesc fabregas?

  40. Nikki says:

    Cristiano= drool! =)

    I'm very pleased with the list.

    Critiano, Yoann, Borriello, Casillas! mmhmm

    I'm in euro haven!!

  41. Annie says:

    How Dare You Choose Valdes Over Casillas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  42. Dutch says:

    Lol loved this post had me laughing and drooling at the same time.BIG UP to kickette, Great choices, made my crappy day better ;-)

  43. Xabi the gentleman! Defeinetly! But Valdes over Casillas*sniffs*

  44. klyn312 says:

    I can live with it… ; )

  45. Hannahh says:

    I've been anticipating this fantasy team and it has not disappointed :D

  46. DaniMrsPepeReina says:

    Absolutely love it !! had me giggling from start to finish !

  47. nicki says:

    *claps* brilliant absolutely brilliant kickette. I cannot stop reading Iker’s description that three-fingered glove has been giving me shivers for a long time. The Special One’s is spot on too. And Borriello yummers, not to mention BOTH John and Frank!!…I could go on and on so I will stop now.

  48. Allyra says:

    Wow, i've spent some time trying to imagine how could all these guys look with your special kit :D

    Well done, Kickette! The team is just perfect. And, btw, nice graphics ;)

  49. jenny says:

    kickettes, you have outdone yourselves!!!!! must pick myself up off the floor after that pic of the delicious yoann in his speedos, good lord! and iker's sexy stare….i've just fallen again! ;) god bless you ladies!

  50. Dii says:

    Yay Kickette, what a great team! I’d like to watch this team playing except that i would’ve dropped Ronaldo out ;) Thanks for making me laugh out loud, this was amusing. ^^

    p.s. Heeey, where is Cesc? :O

  51. Lovely graphics, Ms. Kickette. I applaud Keano as manager, and Vida – but of course!

  52. Gigi Neville-Brown says:

    Outstanding Kickette. Simply outstanding. Bravo to being brave enough to put my beloved defender, Vida, on the list. We all need a man who looks like he will take charge and take care of things at any time, and anywhere. Including the ladies.

  53. Lidoli says:

    Well done! love the list especially CR who is my guilty pleasure!!!!

  54. Kate says:

    Nando, Xabi and Iker *sigh* France' and JT&Lamps duet I love the notes ladies! Cristy out and instead of him Stevie G please and the list will be complete ;) anyway you made my day thanks a lot!

  55. Erin says:

    LOL Outstanding! I drooled and laughed all the way through. Well done, Kickette!

  56. Katie says:

    So glad to see Nemmies. He's not your standard good looking male model type but he's so undeniably hot.

  57. suzie says:

    Blimey has hell frozen over????!!!! Iker's only a sub. Wow if anyone was a sure thing I would have thought it was him.

  58. Megan Eduardo says:

    haha… banana hammok tehe.. wheres federico macheda?

  59. nakita says:

    Brilliant! Funny, sexy, delicious xD well done, Kickette =D

  60. Ashlieghh :) says:

    AHHH, in high heavens with Frankiieee :)

    Kinda disappointed that Cesc isn't in there, Kickette :( x

  61. Bákoka says:

    It's so brilliant ! I love it

  62. KT_LFC9 says:

    AMAZING list!!! yay for Nando! :)

  63. Nadine says:

    one spaniard in every position. very appro

  64. MissEstonia says:

    Holy SHAYEEET!

    This is so hot, Kickette! Thank you! It made my Tuesday morning full of yummy….love the descriptions, and can't believe I didn't think of some of those people when submitting my guesses! :O

  65. Beth says:

    This is brilliant – some people in there that i hadnt even thought of. Good work :) may need to go for a lie down now though *swoon*

    The captions are genius too, made me laugh so loudly!!!!

    only problem – iker a SUB??

  66. eatmyboost says:

    Iker only a SUB? Eh? Why?

  67. Hannah Simnett says:

    Love most of the squad, although where is Stevie G? You can't have a team without Stevie in it!

    Love the comments about El Nino – Strawberries and cream hot! ;)

  68. Ira says:

    Awwww, I absolutely love the squad!!! :D :D Thaaaaaaanks for putting Nandoooo!! ^_^

    Favorite part… 'Frank can come too / John can come too'…. hahahahahaha xD

  69. Baby Freya says:

    Oh wow Kickette, you really have outdone yourself here! The selection. although not quite what I was expecting (Iker as a SUB) is delish but the captions are criminally funny.

    'Frank Can Come To Hot' – Bwahahaha!!!

  70. uneditedmara says:

    Thank you for El Nino and Iker! Although, I also need to PROTEST that there is no Steven Gerrard. *pouts*

  71. uneditedmara says:

    You know my favorite part? Apart from the drool-worthy pictures and sizzling captions? The details that look like inkblots or coffee stains. *giggles*

  72. Boo says:

    Iker and Aitor so don't do it for me, but i'm happy with the rest. *thumbs up*

  73. Hannah Fry says:

    whats happened to cesc fabregas??? why has he been removed from the finest 5??

  74. Diane says:

    I'm so happily surprised Nicklas Bendtner is on the list! It's gotta be that going-out-of-club-with-trousers-down. Shameless vote-buying. :p

  75. Manna says:

    you've made my day so much better! thank you for that!

  76. HiL says:

    Kickette, AWESOME choices! loved the statuses!

    Vidic is sooo robot-hot. lol!

  77. Susie says:

    Roy Keane! :) )

    (The site is telling me my message is too short, try again, but really…my eyes are busy elsewhere! lol)

  78. Avenath says:

    Wow!…the temperature sure went up in my cubicle after this….good job, Kickette….i so approve…sigh, sigh, sigh…

  79. autumnmaple101 says:

    Phew Kickette! I'm totally blown away! Just not too sure about Valdes…I'd prefer Iker as my first choice goalie..

  80. Citrus says:

    Sweet Jesus, I cannot imagine a more beautiful site in the locker room!!

    I need to lie down for a sec, after a shower. I feel dirty.

  81. kwonzer50 says:

    thank you… your website indulges everything I love about soccer and more… thank you!!

  82. Elise says:

    Kickette!! John AND Frank?! It was too much to even hope for and yet there they are! That's lovely!!! My favourite part is (of course!) the 'Frank Can Come Too' hot/'John Can Come Too' hot. That's adorable…and HOT! LOL And John's 'Ride-Or-Die' Hot…well, that just does all kinds of pleasant things for me! *blush*

  83. MUfcMarie says:

    AMAZING!!! Never in the long history of our great planet has a football team so beautiful existed. Especially love Keano as manager. You really do need a tough guy to handle all that pretty.

  84. Lenses says:

    "All players will be hosed down before taking the pitch" Yes, yes! :)

    Hands down excellent descriptions! I LOL'd for hours! "Water keeps my skin supple hot" =D

  85. giggsy143 says:

    this is amazing

    *drools, passes out, swoons, cold shower and repeat*

  86. Eveline says:

    Amazing selection.

    I am very, very happy that Xabi, Nicklas (did not expect him, but thank you) and Totti.

    Well done!

    Now, I am going to drool.

  87. Ella says:

    Love the list! I'd have put Lamps on the team, not as a sub, but overall, it's great!

  88. danybloom says:


    I Love My PlayBoy!!!!

  89. Jo says:

    I am thrilled that Vida made it into the elite XI! Loved the description. :D And for Keano to wrap it all up…[happy sigh]

    For Marco, “double bag it and pray hot” [dies laughing]

    I miss Paolo. [sniffs] Excellent graphics, by the way.

  90. Citrus says:

    Fantastic, I shall spent the rest of the day not working and let my brain wander…

  91. FootballerChick43-"Mrs.Ballack" says:

    Can this be compiled into a book? I would totally buy it.

    Other than that – hilarious! Loved it. And I don’t have much of a fuss with any of those picked. Amazing job!!!

  92. Mariam says:

    great job kickettes!!! i agree 100% i am most impressed and happy!! this will keep me going for days!

  93. truly_thata says:

    OH, Yes! Iker definitely on squad, but super sub??

  94. Winnie says:




    I LOVE IT!!!!

    ALL OF IT! every single word typed!

    i would have put Sergio Ramos



    i would've put Sergio Ramos as the "pretty boy", however he's injured right now, so i do understand.

  95. Michelle says:

    Great selection! Either my computer didn’t load right, or you are missing a defender. Might I suggest The Ramos???

  96. Laurel says:

    Ramos! Ramos! Ramos should be here!

  97. admin says:

    Hey – One of our boys was feeling shy – but he’s popped back up now. Say hi to Aitor!

  98. aristeia says:

    Again, the graphics look amazing!

    I’ve been looking at this for like 30 minutes and I’m amazed I’ve stopped long enough to comment. I laughed my arse off many times, great choices… yay for Leo getting the AM position! I am bloody obsessed w/ that man. Also that pic of Iker lying on his lady just did me in. I think I need to lie down w/ a cold compress.

  99. Johnna says:

    OMG John Terry hello! I never expected to see him on this list but am so so happy you chose him!

  100. Blair says:

    Wonderful Job Kickettes! Well selected and so bloody beautiful!

  101. Trojanette says:

    OMG! Staff are total win…

  102. Julianna says:

    Needs more Edwin!

    but other then that,brilliant.

  103. Fer_Lahm says:

    Fantastic! OMG, Frankie is there! hell YES!

  104. torres4ever says:

    The elite XI is perfect! I'm soooo glad Nando is on there.I absolutely love all of the descriptions, especially the boy next door!You guys did a wonderful job.

  105. LoveLamps says:

    Dear Kickette:

    On behalf of the Blues Babes, thank you for recognizing the beauty that is John Terry and Frank Lampard!


  106. Nadine says:

    love it! borriello, bet no one woulda guessed that! but not surprised at all tho. awesome graphics btw! x

  107. tammyv says:

    I completely approve of this list

  108. Pau says:

    dude! I just recongizethe guy with Terry! its Cirilo Saucedoo!!! a mexican goalkeeper! aah funny! he is ON kickette! cool! jajaja wow! they are…. amazing… Be right back, I need a cold shower!! Lampard! yeah totally!

  109. Miriam says:

    Bendtner being there compensates Casillas being a sub so great team.

    Iker+Ronaldo+Alonso = Hala Madrid

  110. Bluesfan says:


    I can't complain about any of the selections. :)

  111. Maristela says:

    Hello Kickettes!

    I always enjoy a great time reading the site. The mundane aspects of football are really entertaining – and you know how to do it. Congratulations!

    As for the list. Hehehehe, the only one guy that I really think hot in this list is John Terry. OK, Totti and Vidic are very pleasant to the eyes, while Abidal and Ferrari represent quite well the "exotic" look that I like, but they would never make my final cut. And of course Leonardo is possibly the best looking coach in the whole world :)

    On the other hand Beckham, Lampard and all those Latin types simply don't get on me. But the worst of them all are, hands down, the duo Fernando Torres/Cristiano Ronaldo. It's beyond me why those two have such appeal to the girls – but, it's a matter of taste, so… I have to understand :)

  112. This whole thing is just brilliant. I'm surprised Iker is only a sub, I thought he was your one and only.

    My personal faves are Ronaldo's "what your man won't do hot" and the joint "Frank/John can come too hot". Just hilarious!!

    • admin says:

      Iker is our one and only – but he doesn’t do nekkid photo shoots to the standard of Victor ! And this is about rewarding such behaviour…

      • MrsCasillas says:

        youre so right
        *okay ive nearly made 5 comments in just 10 minutes about the sexiness of iker
        but c'mon
        i love Casillas *_*

  113. MrsC says:

    agreed. 100%

    wanders off in an over heated haze…

  114. Lolinha says:

    F-cking brilliant! Now I want even the ones I didn't previously want.You made me feel a little better about my shamecrush Bendtner… The Vidic description was the best. LOL

  115. Jasmine says:

    I think this is a fantastic selection. You girls had me at Marco Borriello.