July 11th, 2011
The Finest Five 6.0: The Big Reveal
Marco Borriello can barely contain his excitement. Philippe Mexes’ missed-our-list consolation prize is the latest pout-plumping lipgloss from Boots.
You lot might be thrilled and excited about today’s reveal of the new Kickette F5 list, but we can assure you that our comments moderator is not. It’s taken us several weeks to rescue her from beneath the mountain of mail received on the matter and it’s very possible she may not ever recover and/or want to work with us again.
You should take pity on her and send flowers to the Mayhem & Fruit Beverage Suite, where she’s still holed up enjoying her quietly calm surroundings before bearing the brunt of the oncoming opinionated-readers storm.
And so to the business at hand. For those new to the Finest Five, please remember that just because we went through the trouble of canvassing your opinion doesn’t mean this is a democracy. In fact, this arbitrary list remains an unscientific work of our own foul and depraved imaginations. It’s also a reflection of who is better at arm wrestling in the Kickette office.
We make no apologies for our selections, and can only describe this hit list as “abtastic”. We look forward to…gulp…receiving your thoughts.
WHO’S BEEN RELEGATED:
Fernando Torres (Chelsea), Joe Hart (Manchester City) and Pepe Reina (Liverpool)
You really don’t care why we told these guys to hit the massage tables, now do you?
Didn’t think so.
TOP OF THE TABLE MAINSTAYS:
1. Cesc Fabregas, Barcelona
The best way to describe our affection for Cesc Fabregas is to compare to him to a ticking time bomb. Sometimes he fails to detonate, other times his choir-boy candy coating paired with a bad boy centre blows us to smithereens. After breaking free from his steady girlfriend training wheels, his stubbly-bearded breed of geek chic has been revitalised (perhaps due to the supposed new woman in his life).
Sinfully smoldering as ever, we feel Cesc’s beauty appeals to anyone with eyes. It never hurts that he gives good wrinkle, too. Kickettes, if you ever have a digital desk frame in need of some football-focused eye porn, this Barcelona ace’s photos are only Google Image search + right click + save away.
2. Marco Borriello, AS Roma
We have this theory around Kickette HQ about this man’s secret smile powers. We honestly believe it could charm the pants off the grouchiest of shop girls – y’know the ones who downright refuse to give you an advanced sneak peek at next season’s newest Louboutins, even though there are plenty of pairs prominently displayed in their poorly maintained stock rooms? All those puppies want and need is a friendly owner to take them home, which would be Borri’s cue to provide a fleeting flash of his porcelain pearly whites in exchange for an entire litter of new stilettos. Just.like.that.
Marco places a heavy importance on sex and continues to strip off on a regular basis. These are two very basic prerequisites that, when satisfied, firmly cement a footballer’s spot on this list. Justifiably so, his impressive penchant for public nudity puts him among the ranks of other former long-term F5 members, such as D Becks (who once described him as ‘handsome’) and Cristiano Ronaldo.
WHO’S BEEN PROMOTED
3. Aitor Ocio, Athletic Bilbao
Some men take years to mature to the point where they’re comfortable ripping off their shirts and airing their abs in the publicly visible wind. T’was never the case for Aitor.
Recent history and news has spoken, and we now know that Mr. Ocio’s sole purpose in life is to melt our hearts and other body parts. The mere sight of his abs in a new Bikkemberg’s campaign actually gave way to a new total body experience for all of us. An impromptu 11th hour deliberation regarding our Finest Five selections was the only way we could restore order at Kickette HQ.
Aitor is, has always been, and will always be sexy as hell. His physical presence on the beach – especially when topless in tiny trunks – is vital to brokering peace in the Middle East, ending Global Warming and solving the riddle of why maltesers are like crack cocaine. At long last, this insanely hot piece of man-candy exists in a universe we know and love, one that involves him grating cheese for our jacket potatoes on his abs until his arms ache with bicep-popping joy.
4. Carlos Bocanegra, Saint-Étienne
Quick: someone call the stripper pole installation company and put a bottle of Moët on ice because Carlos Bocanegra just arrived on our Finest Five scene.
We like this rugged rough rider for the same reason he’s fond of the ancient Romans: because they are/were manly men who may or may not have been known to rip their dinners ‘apart with their teeth’. No wonder our fantasies of him wearing next to nothing under his kit continue to permeate throughout our nightly beauty sleep schedules – his thighs are the size of our heads. Yes, they’re somehow related.
The Boca party bus can’t stop, won’t stop there. Other commendable talents include sitting front row at fashion shows, acting like he belongs, bumping beers with the best of ‘em (aka world leaders) and caressing himself. A lot.
All hail Captain America!
5. Jack Rodwell, Everton
Equally appetizing as this barely legal teen’s fantastic facial features are his beastly broad (but smooth) shoulders. They appear to be soft enough to
rub your face against cuddle up to. Or supple enough to soak up every last bit of cheap vodka poured over a Tupperware full of gummy candies. That is, if you’re into reliving your youthful uni days and all – a.k.a. something we’re always down for.
Being the sole British torch bearer on the F5 comes with its pressures, but that’s why we created our durrty girl rating scale. Similarly, on the ladies handbag front, he’s synonymous with every season’s must-have accessory of choice. A costly item, we admit, but no one here should feel above clawing their way out of a good Selfridge’s cat fight to snag one.
Then again, perhaps accosting Jack’s pecs in a dark alley would be more gratifying for us all. Ideally it would be a reciprocal ‘attack’, where we’d gladly adhere to whatever variation of 2nd base Mr. Hot Rod had in mind.
Cheers to you, Mrs Robinson!
Well ladies and gents of the Kickette contingency, what do you make of our (long-delayed) top secret F5 6.0 announcement?