July 30th, 2012
The Finest Five: Seven Minutes In (Six Pack) Heaven
For those blissfully unaware, the Kickette F5 list tends to rage controversy and war across the land. No matter that these “hot list” choices are entirely subjective and based on the mercy of our whims and alcohol intake for the day; we remain braced for the inevitable threats, bribes, anger, elation and tears from the many ‘ballers and fans of such ‘ballers that did not make the cut. In fact, we’re hiring body guards for the potential backlash we will incur after removing two of our long time placeholders from the lust list.
Side note: partaking in this discussion does not affect your rights to be taken seriously as a footie fan. It just makes you a more complete one.
In order to rejigger our F5 version 7.0 collection of manservants, we first had to drop Lance Parker, Cesc Fabregas and Marco Borriello from the 6.5 iteration. Why? Simply because they’re no longer “doing it” for us. When they decide to step up to the plate and make a play for their old crowns, we’ll assess. But for now, ’tis list (spots #1-4 at least) soldiers on without them.
FYI, we imposed a minimum mandatory height restriction of 6’0” for the seventh iteration of this series. We like to discriminate, what can we say.
Seeing those pics of Mr Giroud stark nekkid is proof that God loves us and wants us happy.
If and when a footballer presents us with his penis, we’re forced to shoot him straight to the top F5 slot. Michael Dawson once offered a glimpse, true, but the still frame we grabbed was limited in it’s information. On the other hand, the Ligue 1′s reining sexiest player swung his package around the Montpellier dressing room like a garden hose at a flower show.
Additional points were also awarded for making us want to stare at a photo of him shoving his tongue down Mathieu Debuchy’s throat (we know that’s a lie but give us this fantasy anyway).
2. SERGIO RAMOS, REAL MADRID
First he was seen driving Miss Daisy and horsing around (no pun intended) with the bubbas of his teammates. Then, he showed up on our desktops in a suit. From there, he went about his bizniz, showing off his skin in the wind whilst on holiday until, most recently, he was spotted at the tattoo parlor shirtless.
‘Tis truly been the Summer de Sergio y his hair. Sure, it’s a tad on the choppy-coiffed side, but earlier this off-season The Ramos took a much needed step into our hearts with his upgraded hair choices.
It helps that his all around “Sergio-ness” lately delights and inspires. So does his insanely perfect body. Possibly the only player who can truly challenge Cristiano Ronaldo for the “best bod” moniker, and for that, Sergio should stand tall and wear his Louis Vuitton accessories with pride.
But best of all: he’s newly single. High five!
3. KEVIN-PRINCE BOATENG, AC MILAN
No one, inclucing ourselves, understands our attraction to the sometimes arrogant, lots of times aggro, animal-screen-print-wearing ‘baller who is Kevin-Prince Boateng. All we do know is that the AC Milan man can rev up our girly engines with one swivel of his stone carved hips. Make yourselves a martini, click through this link and watch the video. We’ll wait.
Have you been placing poetry, chocolates and diamond rings atop your romance must-haves, Kickettes? K-PB might not be your cuppa then as this man is straight sexual prowess on steroids. So go ahead, hurry along and seek out your dose of sexiness elsewhere.
But while you go do you, we’ll be at the champagne bar pondering why we haven’t rectified the whole not living in Miami situ by now.
4. CARLOS BOCANEGRA, RANGERS F.C.
Now, as anyone familiar with the Kickette belief system knows, when a player goes out of their way to help us objectify them, we thusly reward. See: David Beckhams Armani underwear ads; Italian boys for Dolce & Gabbanaonce and then twice. So from the moment we saw Boca’s latest commitment, we knew what had to be done.
Loyal readers, please do not debate that Boca’s teeth/body hair/etc makes him ineligible for consideration. He is good mates with fellow exhibitionist/USMNT ‘baller, Tim Howard. The value in daydream fantasyland for that alone is priceless.
And also precisely why he’s made the jump from #5 to #4.
This is definitely a first for us and our esteemed lust list, but with so many players in the world to choose from, narrowing things down to our favourite five isn’t easy. So many club lounges to investigate, so little time.
Which is why we’re putting this open seat out there to you, dear readers. What player are we missing from the list? Is there someone from the lower leagues we’ve overlooked? Your thoughts on leaving this slot permanently vacant until someone worthy comes along?
We thank you in advance for your commitment to the cause.