October 6th, 2011

The Five Tests Of Titillation: Bafetimbi Gomis, French NT

The ‘Sex Face’. With additional looming? It’s a strong start from Bafe. Image: BERTRAND GUAY/AFP/Getty Images.

Aside from a perfunctory nod in the Weekend Results and the occasional photo of Yoann Gourcuff, Ligue 1 tends to remain somewhat ‘off-piste’ for us. But that doesn’t mean we’re not constantly monitoring the newswires (Editor’s note: yes it does) for images of players exhibiting what we like to call ‘The Five Tests of Titillation’: namely those poses that we can wilfully misinterpret as an effort by a player to appear on these pages.

Today we apply our expertise in the area to Bafetimbi Gomis, who plays upfront for Lyon and the French NT. Join us, Kickettes, and help us judge whether his efforts make him worthy of inclusion in our ‘Secret Photo Files For Special Moments’ drawer.

Well, it’s more of a room, actually.

The ‘Bish, please.’

Image: BERTRAND GUAY/AFP/Getty Images.

One of the most hotly contested categories in this contest, you might pack your pique (not that one) and go home if you’re incapable of standing shoulder-to-shoulder with Zlatan Ibrahimovic. Happily, Bafe is holding his own; the only reason Fabien Barthez is still standing in this image is because he was previously forced to face up to Sir Alex Ferguson after this incident. If you can survive that, clearly you can survive anything.

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The ‘Shelf-Booty’

Image: BERTRAND GUAY/AFP/Getty Images.

Fully endorsed by Michel Bastos, the booty on display here is most certainly of the ‘bouncing off the ceiling’ calibre we demand.  Gonzalo Higuain should be looking over his shoulder. So to speak.

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The ‘Short Tent’

This is the best image we’ve been able to locate for the purposes of this segment. Rather more a ‘Bulge-In-Motion’ than a traditional tent, we feel it offers room for optimism but to be honest, we’ve seen Thomas Muller’s efforts in this area. What more is there to say?

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The ‘Gratuitous Ab Shot’

Image: AP Photo/Daylife.

Again, somewhat disappointing but again, this is a very competitive category and we can’t entirely blame the player for the image ineptitude. What kind of photographer (actually, not just photographer, what kind of ruddy person?!) is confronted with a set of fresh-from-the-oven abs like this and chooses NOT to close in on the awesome obliques? Not a Kickette endorsed one, that’s for sure. Maybe we should start operating training courses to avoid this kind of disappointment.

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Despite scoring poorly in the tents and abs categories, we actually think Bafetimbi has performed pretty well in this rigorous testing process and we’re prepared to give him a shot.

Please collect your things and wait outside the ‘Secret Photo Files For Special Moments’ Portakabin for further instructions, Baf. We’ll be right wit’ya.

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4 Responses to “The Five Tests Of Titillation: Bafetimbi Gomis, French NT”

  1. macacogostade banana says:

    He reminds me so much of Davids, his hair at least. I used to looooove him sooooo freaking much!!!

  2. Alik says:

    He certainly is a striking looking man!

  3. Zoraida says:

    i've always found him extremely attractive.
    the french national team is oding great these days on the ''sexy department'' right?
    mexes, malouda, gomis, lloris, gourcuff, rami, remy, benz, grenier, grieamann.. the words fail me.
    you should totally write an article about them and their funny moments in the official Chateaux of Equipe de France at Clairefontaine… plz??

  4. Green 4 says:

    Love this guy. He looks so good in his specs.! Great footballer too (Must not forget that, ha.!)