July 21st, 2010
The Kickette Guide To Summer Sports Because It’s Pre-Season, And We’ve Started So We Might As Well Carry On: Baseball
Cleveland Indians Grady Sizemore. Much more of Grady later. Image: Getty Images via fantasybaseballdugout.com Other Images: AP Photo, Reuters, Photo Agency.
Continuing our theme of high end investigative journalism prompted by the limited availability of soccer man candy in summer, we are pleased to bring you baseball. A game that (as will become increasingly evident the further you read) we have no idea about.
But hey, it involves hats, cups, a virtual embargo on nudity and a fairly substantial amount of asshat-ery – areas we have serious expertise in. Apart from the embargo on nudity.
We love nudity. But let’s see what’s on offer anyway, shall we?
The Kickette Sporting Criteria
Short Tent Potential
Yup, you read it right, ladies. Cups make their egregious return, hiding the junk and hindering our enjoyment prospects quite severely.
However, an interesting aside to the main action is the constant adjusting of said cups to ensure comfort is maintained throughout. For those who are amused and/or entertained by men perpetually adjusting their junk (a phenomenon previously covered on these very pages) this sport is for you.
Again, we are bereft. Despite the baseball season running throughout the summer, players remain stubbornly, wilfully clothed throughout. So while under armour remains our arch enemy, we concede that the dearth of flesh in the diamond means a glimpse of armour in baseball (thank you Mark De Rosa, left) is the equivalent of The Ramos topless in normal circumstances. It’s all about perspective, you see.
However, the persistent (stalker-type) Kickette who sticks around long enough to watch the post-game locker room interviews may find herself in luck. While shirt removal is unusual (or as our stoic baseball correspondent put it, ‘don’t hold your breath’) the champagne fuelled shirtless soakings common in football have also been known to occur in the playoffs.
It’s not much, but desperate times call for desperate measures, people. And we’re famously desperate.
That’s why we all enjoyed the use of a too-wide camera shot in a locker room that inadvertently showed what is widely believed to be Cole Hamels’ tush. See? Persistence pays off.
Alex Rodriguez & former wife Cynthia. In happier times?
This is more like it! You may or may not recall the most recent and well-publicized transgressions of one Alex Rodriguez (above) who after being caught out fraternizing with a stripper was then widely reported to be ‘friendly’ with Madonna. Unsurprisingly, his wife divorced him.
And in a nod to football’s most famous phone failure, naked self portraits of Cleveland Indians outfielder Grady Sizemore recently showed up on the internet after they had been ‘stolen’ from his girlfriends email account. On the plus side, at least he was wasn’t married to someone else at the time.
From boy next door to hot latin sizzle, baseball offers a snack for every appetite. Please enjoy a hot canape or two.
Minnesota Twins Catcher Joe Mauer. Still cute, despite wearing a saucepan on his head.
The White Sox’s Alex Rios. Puh-laya…
Texas Rangers’ pitcher CJ Wilson. Hopefully taller than he looks.
Bubbas in mini jerseys. Check. Players dating hugely famous screen personalities and/or popstars. Check.
You see? With a little perseverance, even the most unlikely sports can demonstrate their kinship with our beloved footie. And these guys don’t muck about. Word is, the aforementioned Alex Rodriguez is currently dating Cameron Diaz having recently parted company with Kate Hudson. Derek Jeter is currently dating TV actress Minka Kelly (left) while LA Dodgers hottie Matt Kemp is dating Rihanna.
Mixed results here, Kickettes. The Bubba/WAG quotient is agreeably high and there is certainly a decent chance of stumbling over a hottie or two. But once again we find a perfectly decent sport letting itself down with the wilful evasion of short tents and a criminal lack of nudity. We may need further examination of the evidence before reaching a conclusion.
Proceed into the locker room with caution.
**A huge thanks to our Kickette soldier girls in Chicago for help with this story!**