July 21st, 2010

The Kickette Guide To Summer Sports Because It’s Pre-Season, And We’ve Started So We Might As Well Carry On: Baseball

Cleveland Indians Grady Sizemore.  Much more of  Grady later. Image: Getty Images via fantasybaseballdugout.com Other Images: AP Photo, Reuters, Photo Agency.

Continuing our theme of high end investigative journalism prompted by the limited availability of soccer man candy in summer, we are pleased to bring you baseball. A game that (as will become increasingly evident the further you read) we have no idea about.

But hey, it involves hats, cups, a virtual embargo on nudity and a fairly substantial amount of asshat-ery – areas we have serious expertise in. Apart from the embargo on nudity.

We love nudity. But let’s see what’s on offer anyway, shall we?

The Kickette Sporting Criteria

Short Tent Potential

Yup, you read it right, ladies. Cups make their egregious return, hiding the junk and hindering our enjoyment prospects quite severely.

However, an interesting aside to the main action is the constant adjusting of said cups to ensure comfort is maintained throughout. For those who are amused and/or entertained by men perpetually adjusting their junk (a phenomenon previously covered on these very pages) this sport is for you.

Nekkid potential

Again, we are bereft. Despite the baseball season running throughout the summer, players remain stubbornly, wilfully clothed throughout. So while under armour remains our arch enemy, we concede that the dearth of flesh in the diamond means a glimpse of armour in baseball (thank you Mark De Rosa, left) is the equivalent of The Ramos topless in normal circumstances. It’s all about perspective, you see.

However, the persistent (stalker-type) Kickette who sticks around long enough to watch the post-game locker room interviews may find herself in luck. While shirt removal is unusual (or as our stoic baseball correspondent put it, ‘don’t hold your breath’) the champagne fuelled shirtless soakings common in football have also been known to occur in the playoffs.

It’s not much, but desperate times call for desperate measures, people. And we’re famously desperate.

That’s why we all enjoyed the use of a too-wide camera shot in a locker room that inadvertently showed what is widely believed to be Cole Hamels’ tush. See? Persistence pays off.

Infidelity/Bad Boys

Alex Rodriguez & former wife Cynthia. In happier times?

This is more like it! You may or may not recall the most recent and well-publicized transgressions of one Alex Rodriguez (above) who after being caught out fraternizing with a stripper was then widely reported to be ‘friendly’ with Madonna. Unsurprisingly, his wife divorced him.

And in a nod to football’s most famous phone failure, naked self portraits of Cleveland Indians outfielder Grady Sizemore recently showed up on the internet after they had been ‘stolen’ from his girlfriends email account. On the plus side, at least he was wasn’t married to someone else at the time.

Eye Candy

From boy next door to hot latin sizzle, baseball offers a snack for every appetite. Please enjoy a hot canape or two.

Minnesota Twins Catcher Joe Mauer. Still cute, despite wearing a saucepan on his head.

The White Sox’s Alex Rios. Puh-laya…

Texas Rangers’ pitcher CJ Wilson. Hopefully taller than he looks.

WAGs/Bubbas

Bubbas in mini jerseys. Check. Players dating hugely famous screen personalities and/or popstars. Check.

You see? With a little perseverance, even the most unlikely sports can demonstrate their kinship with our beloved footie. And these guys don’t muck about. Word is, the aforementioned Alex Rodriguez is currently dating Cameron Diaz having recently parted company with Kate Hudson. Derek Jeter is currently dating TV actress Minka Kelly (left) while LA Dodgers hottie Matt Kemp is dating Rihanna.

So there.

Conclusion

Mixed results here, Kickettes. The Bubba/WAG quotient is agreeably high and there is certainly a decent chance of stumbling over a hottie or two. But once again we find a perfectly decent sport letting itself down with the wilful evasion of short tents and a criminal lack of nudity. We may need further examination of the evidence before reaching a conclusion.

Proceed into the locker room with caution.

**A huge thanks to our Kickette soldier girls in Chicago for help with this story!**

Related Posts with Thumbnails

78 Responses to “The Kickette Guide To Summer Sports Because It’s Pre-Season, And We’ve Started So We Might As Well Carry On: Baseball”

  1. Rusty, or Anna Maria says:

    Blech, I hate the Yankees.

    I also hate the fact that anyone who wants to go to a Red Sox game always gets on the subway line I live on, leaving it impossible to find an inch of space on a train when I am going 20 stops and they are going five.

    (I AM a Red Sox fan, just less so since all the pink-hatters jumped on the bandwagon.)

    • greg says:

      I hate the red sox with a passion. They are the most sloppy looking disgusting team in alll of baseball. As a diehard yankee fan , I find them to be classy. What do you think of them apples red sucks fan?

  2. Johanna says:

    Even though I’m a die hard Mets fan, I will have to admit I like Joey Votto, Reed Johnson, Skip Schumaker, Travis Hafner and Jason Kendall. I’m thrilled to see Sizemore and Varitek on the list. It was also nice to see a few people mention Brady Anderson and Javy Lopez. Those were the days. haha Let’s not forget Omar Vizquel, the eternal cutie.

  3. Lilia says:

    I forgot to mention, is that Big Papi's son? I remember seeing him on Home Run Derby. He's sooo adorable!

  4. Emma says:

    I’m a born/raised American and I just can’t get myself to care one teeny tiny shred about baseball. It’s so boring. Not even boozing it up at a Dodger game worked.
    I’ll stick the the beautiful game with the most beautiful men, footie!

  5. tchmal says:

    Another longtime reader first time commenter. This post totally made my day. While I loves me some fine football bootay, baseball is my first love. I am a huge fan. And by huge I mean the season ticket holding, scorebook keeping, fantasy league owning type of huge. Unfortunately, I was cursed with a horrible team in the Diamondbacks. Double buzz-kill, we don't really have anyone on the team that can be considered drool/stalker-worthy. However, I was blessed by the Baseball Gods by being born and raised in Arizona. Spring training is like a month-long Christmas for me.

    Give me a hefty helping of Joe Mauer with a side of Ryan Braun any day!
    http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2008/writers/dav…

  6. Lisa says:

    like most foreigners I am willing to give American sports a look, unlike say: Rugby, Cricket, Tennis, Golf etc.

    Being a sports enthusiast, I find the Yankees-Red Sox rivalry to be as intense and entertaining as any football rivalry.

    The only problem is American sports are FAR TOO LONG! The duration is made all the more painful by the millions of TV commercials.

    The only other option is watching SportsCenter but the highlight reel thing annoys me as they make games look like a music video.

    They skip all the little intricacies that make each sport likeable and the music SportsCenter plays in the background is also incredibly annoying.

    Whenever I watch American sports, I always come away with a greater appreciation for The Beautiful Game.

  7. Erin says:

    I suffer from a severe case of loathing when it comes to baseball. I love most sports, but not that one.

  8. Zinny says:

    I am American, born and raised, and I just hate baseball. I find the game ridiculously boring, it's players unattractive, and the fact that American men sit around and watch it all day with a beer in their hand makes it all worse. Give me el jogo bonito over baseball any day!

    • Dea says:

      AHAH AMEN to everything you said. That's why I want soccer to get really popular here so that in the summer, we arent just stuck watching baseball on ESPN 24/7 ugh.

    • Kier says:

      I love both equally…there are different things to love about both. Many say soccer is boring due to the lack of scoring…

      But I hate that they call the game with the slightest bit of rain…

  9. Phoebe says:

    What about pro wrestling. They fit with most of those criteria.

  10. elizabeth says:

    No not baseball…I think I'll try to follow the MLS instead.

  11. kier says:

    I commend Grady's Ladies for their ingenuity–check out their website, and wish I could teleport myself to dreadful Cleveland (why not right into the Indians' locker room whil I am at it?).

    Joe Mauer. What a beauty. Sadly, he plays for the twins, so by the beinning of September there is no chance of a shirtless dugout spotting.

    Andruw Jones in his early years (not his current chunk state of affairs), also killer, as well as Chipper Jones…The Atlanta Braves in about 1996 (definitely not John Smoltz or Tom Glavine, but a lot of other talent)…probably about the hottest team in my lifetime…

    More luck for the shirtless wonders during MLB spring training in places like Arizona and Florida. Go to Kickettes!

    One can't forget Mike Mussina…However, pitchers–easy to disappoint.

  12. aristeia says:

    If I had the kind of experiences w/ footballers that I've had w/ baseball players, I'd be a much happier (and sluttier?) woman. Thank you lord for my hometown being the home of a minor league ball club. Girls, if you want to enjoy baseball and see lots of hot young men, go to your local minor league park. They're accessible, hot, newly minted w/ contracts & super fun to hang out w/. I generally find watching minor league ball much more exciting; if you ever liked the sport, that's how to get back into it. Much cheaper too!

    I love baseball so much. It's a huge part of my heart. Maybe it's genetic (my dad coaches), but I adore it. And for all the reasons people find it boring, I love it. And there's plenty of hotties. Especially if you're crazy like me and get all sweaty thinking about the boys of summer in their slightly tight unis, w/ their socks up & stirrups on, eye black on. And omg the catcher gear drives me wild (I have the same issues for keepers & hockey goaltenders– I just like extra gear, Idek).

    • Kier says:

      They are also really "accesible" in college, Maybe its because there are so many of them…I dated a guy (who shall remain nameless – JRB) that ended up being the National League rookie of the year a few years back, on the NL all star team AND in the homerun derby. No joke.

  13. Mrs. Navas says:

    those pictures of Grady Sizemore nearly gave me a heart attack!!!!

  14. SuperM says:

    I have been reading for a while, but never thought I’d actually have a comment. But then, you broke out the baseball…As one of the 12 remaining Oriole fans, I have to say, how did you miss Brian Roberts? (…probably because he hasn’t really played much this year). My love for B-Rob goes back, over 10 years ago, when I skipped school to go meet him at an Oriole store appearance at the mall. Also, high five to whoever posted Brady Anderson pics. He was so awesome back in the day (by that I mean before the steroids kicked in and he was just another random nobody on the Orioles). Anyway, here’s Brian’s website – http://brianroberts1.com. Hoping to make friends! :o )

    • Dee says:

      I posted Brady. I'm a Yankee fan by birth but I could never deny what was right in front of me. I remember I was at one game with my brother, we had main reserved seats at the old Yankee Stadium right on the third base line. Brady got a triple, bent over and my brother said "God you are such a girl!"

    • Kier says:

      When I was about 10 I was an Oriole’s fan. I got a bunch of autographs…including old blue eyes, Cla Ripken Jr. I fell in love right then…

  15. Katie says:

    Grady Sizemore is amazing!! I wanna be a “Grady’s Lady!”

  16. Catie says:

    Oh, how I <3 baseball! Kickette – keep an eye on the World Series wins, that's when there's more likely to be shirtless dudes in the locker room ;) .

    In the meantime I have some offerings:

    Jonathan Papelbon, not naked, but skin tight with a noticeable bulge: http://ladiesdotdotdot.files.wordpress.com/2007/1…

    Javy Lopez, shirtlesssss: http://femmefan.com/site/images/lookerspics/looke…

    Nomar Garciaparra, also shirtless: http://pridepostgazette.com/spring2009/gregoryidg…

  17. Goosie says:

    I was going to flip my shit if a picture of Joe Mauer wasn’t on this….and lucky for everyone he was. He’s adorable.

    GO TWINS!

    • Gonie says:

      You're a Twins fan too! Awesome and I was thinking the same thing. You cannot post a topic about baseball and not include the ever adorable and hot Joe Mauer!

      • Goosie says:

        Yay! Aren't you glad he decided to stay? I AM! I heart him!

        • Gonie says:

          oh i'm so glad he stayed. probably would've broke my heart if he moved. lol! :D and yay for another twins fan! i agree Nicki, Joe is <3. Although I must admit, lately JJ Hardy and Pavano has def been catching my eyes. Well, Pavano for a while now but JJ just recently. But Pavano's gotta shave his stach. His stach reminds me of those old mobbsters leaders and idk.. can't take him seriously with it. JJ has gorgeous eyes though.

    • nicki says:

      Wow other Twinkies fans here, crazy!! Joe is <3!!!

    • tchmal says:

      Add me to the Twins mix! Joe Mauer is beautiful <3 Drew Butera is a cutie as well. The Twins can rest assured they have the best looking catchers in the majors! But this whole "Mustache Gang 2.0" isn't really workin' for me. Pavano, the guys from the Village People called. They seem to be missing the biker buddy from the group.

  18. Lilia says:

    I love baseball. I don't watch it much, but it sounds so classy when I picture it in my head. The dugouts are reaaaaally disgusting though.

    For me, Yankees are by far the classiest team, as far as grooming goes.

    • V says:

      I do believe that the Yankees have a dress and grooming clause in their contracts. No long hair or facial hair. I remember hearing about it when Johnny Damon played for them and he had to cut his long locks and shave his beard.

    • aristeia says:

      The dugouts are effing GROSS. Cleaned one out once after a minor league game and I nearly vomited, and I'm usually not so prissy.

  19. Janalee says:

    Oh Joe Mauer… on Kickette no less. That made my day.

  20. gin_in_teacups says:

    Woo! Baseball, the only sport besides football that has a place in my heart. I’m a Yankees girl m’self, but I’m surprised that David Wright isn’t on this list. He’s adorable, and, as I can attest from having previously worked at a restaurant he likes a lot, a real sweetie pie.

    The lack of nekkidness in baseball is disappointing. But ya can’t complain about what those pants do for the rear view!

  21. jecca says:

    Isn’t the Tour de France on? Great deal of men in Spandex. If you’re into that sort of thing.

  22. kai says:

    yes, cj wilson is, in fact, above average in height….all 6’1″ of him…yummy.

    • kai says:

      ok, i take it back…googled his photos…ummm, yeah. a little too beefy for my taste, maybe a little pear-shaped as well. tall enough though. i prefer me some footballers. or tennis players.

  23. Ella says:

    I guess all athletes and wags have their drama, but baseball takes the cake with this one:
    http://msn.foxsports.com/mlb/story/Baseball-playe…

  24. Any says:

    Jacoby Ellsbury, Jacoby Ellsbury, Jacoby Ellsbury. I'm sorry, what were we talking about? Oh, yes, Jacoby Ellsbury.

    • Krista says:

      came here to say this!!!

      • Any says:

        Right! And, as heart-broken as I am that he is injured, I really appreciate him doing it in a world cup year. Otherwise, this would have a been a long summer.

  25. Samsun Nahar says:

    First of all no man can beat a sexy soccer player because they are sexy on and off the field but when a baseball player puts on his uniform magic happens! Derek Jeter, A-Rod, AJ Burnett, Andy Pettite, Mark Texeira…NEW YORK YANKEES!!! Joe Mauer, Jacoby Ellsbury, Johnny Damon…YUMMY!

  26. MrsMet says:

    Ditto the David Wright endorsements, seen here with the best mascot in baseball:
    http://dailystache.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/02…

  27. Mar says:

    Although nothing can beat beautiful, brooding soccer studs, baseball can still be quite a plus.. 2 words: baseball pants. They're quite the plus, more than you realize. As a native of Northeast Ohio, I find it really entertaining to see Grady here! A bit of a slip, but we still love him in Cleveland! But ladies, do not forget that there still can be life AFTER Fifa! Try checking out some swimmers!

    P.S. I hate Lebron.. just saying :)

    • Dee says:

      Mar, I wouldn't be surprised if Lebron's EGO hated Lebron.

    • Lisa says:

      haha did you and Ron Artest attend any F*** LeBron Parties? Now there's a concept I can get behind. Us Barca fans should have held F*** Luis Figo parties back in 2000. Would have made the grieving process so much easier.

  28. LuvinBale says:

    I'm must be very unAmerican because I can not stand baseball. I am from Philadelphia and when the Phillirs were in the World Series- I had no clue whatsoever!

    The game is long and drawn out, I don't understand RBI's- still don't know what it stands for. The most "athletic" person on the team is the pitcher. There isn't nearly enough hot men to nakedness ratio.

    My boyfriend is an avid cyclist so I am stuck watching the Tour de France. Not bad until you see what they look like under the helmet and glasses. All inall Football is my sport- it has everything a girl could want or need. Nuff said.

    • PepaCandela says:

      The LEAST athletic guy is the pitcher. They're specialists, so if they can pitch well it doesn't matter if they weigh 100 lbs or 300 lbs, what their sprint time is or even if they can hit the ball. The best athletes are usually in the outfield, shortstops or first basemen.

      Baseball is one of those sports that isn't very interesting unless you really know what is going on. It's not my favorite, but what I do like about it is that it's so laid back. You can sit back lazily and watch on a summer Sunday afternoon without having to be standing up and stressed the whole time. Again, not my favorite, but it has its moments.

    • Dee says:

      RBI – runs batted in. Don’t ask me to calculate Earned run averages or batting percentage I leave that to my brother the math genius.

    • Dee says:

      Also I used to LOVE baseball but for 7 years I wasn’t in a “MLB” city so I grew out of it.

      • LuvinBale says:

        I can't believe I forgot to add this – off topic- BUT

        I will be attending the Tottenham Hotspurs vs NY Redbulls game this Thursday!!!!

        I don't think I could be more excited!!!!

        I'm bringing three male friends with me- they might need to hold me back from charging the field and trying to give Gareth Bale free leg rubs.

        Kickette I feel it is my duty to bring back photographic evidence of hot footballer man flesh. BTW- Thierry Henry will also be playing!!!

        Aaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!!!

        • LuvinBale says:

          Sorry forgot to thank Dee on the explanation of RBI. I gotta day that I enjoyed baseball when I was younger and they used to wear the tight unifirms that hugged their bums! Those were the days! When dud it change to the saggy baggy looks- like-I-have-a-dump-in-my-pants? No likey.

          Kickettes- please do Rugby next. French Rugby calendar ladies. Check it out!

        • Dee says:

          You have fun!!!

  29. Lisa says:

    They do, sadly tend to keep their clothes on, but as a Boston Red Sox fan, I can offer you Jonanthan Papelbon dancing in his underwear:
    http://withleather.uproxx.com/2007/10/jonathan-pa…

    And a naked Jason Veritek (my personal fave, even with clothes on): http://jump.kennethinthe212.com/2008/10/sporting-…

    • gin_in_teacups says:

      OMG that first video. I'm a Yankees fan but anybody who does a jig to the Dropkick Murphys is in my good graces.

    • Steph says:

      OMG, Papelbon! Totally! :) Love him. Varitek isn't so bad, either! And Beckett's another favorite of mine on the Red Sox, but I've loved him since his Marlins days. Miss seeing him play here. :( So many of my former Marlins on the Red Sox, so I love 'em even more! haha.

    • aristeia says:

      OMG NAKED TEK. I… I don’t know how to feel. I can’t look my dad in the eye now, lol. (He coaches varsity baseball & reps the high school coaches association) Unf, I do love me the catchers though. Unf unf unfff.

  30. V says:

    Long time reader, first time poster. I was so happy to see this on the site! Besides an admirer of the hottest of the footballer, I am a huge baseball fan. I am surprised to see no mention of LA Dodger Andre Ethier, kickettes get on it!

  31. Dee says:

    Ah yes…I'm not as familiar with the current generation as I was 10-15 years ago. Brady Anderson looked good coming and going…talk about a Tuesday torso.

    http://www.femmefan.com/site/images/lookerspics/l…

    http://obsessedwithsports.files.wordpress.com/200…

    Sigh.

  32. Zadrii says:

    We watch baseball for the… content, not for the players.

    Unfortunately, most of them are kinda… fat and/or old and/ or bearded.

    It's generally considered.. boring.. but ..

    well that's pretty much it…

    My favorites:

    Franklin Gutierrez

    Ichiro Suzuki…

    That's about it..

    I'll stick to footballers !

    • Steph says:

      haha, yeah. Not so many good looking guys in baseball, but there's some! Just gotta look. :) Yeah, I agree with Ichiro. Not a fan of his team, but he's pretty cute! Saw a really good pic of him on GQ a while ago. Let me see if I can find it.

  33. senora ramos says:

    while i applaud the desperate…ahem, diligent investigating qualities of these "other" sports, i'm am still slumping into post wc, is it august yet mentality. maybe b/c my beloved baseball team is so damn awful (thanks a lot astros). baseball has many hotties, but is on the reg pretty boring to watch with no amount of skin to tantilize us with. i'll stick with mls and superliga, thanks!

  34. JV says:

    That little boy is adorable… as is Joe Mauer. For skin and the odd attractive fellow maybe a feature on the FIBA World Basketball Championships? Jose Calderon of the Spanish Basketball Team is quite a nice distraction…

  35. Steph says:

    Yay, baseball! :D Love this sport, but I haven't been keeping up too much with stuff this season. :( Surprised David Wright didn't make it on this list! He should so be here. :D And yeah, the A-Rod thing was practically everywhere months ago, it was insane. I'm not a Yankee fan at all, much less a fan of his, but I felt bad for his ex and his kids.

  36. jen says:

    woah, im a HUGE baseball fan, and i must say i was like **WTFF omggg baseball on kickette?!?!? :D ** there are some hotties definitely guys like joe mauer aka mr. good guy. :)

  37. dira says:

    It's Rihanna darl ;)

  38. Jen X says:

    First time poster & big baseball fan. NY Yankees to be specific. Lots of eye-candy but sadly as you've noted, limited skin. The players always have all their clothes on. Always.