July 15th, 2010

The Kickette Guide to Summer Sports Because The World Cup Has Ended, And It’s Pre-Season, And We’re Getting Desperate: Cricket

England’s James Anderson, Stuart Broad & Alistair Cook nude it up for Cosmopolitan. There hasn’t been this much skin exposed in cricket in the entire 150,000 years the game has been played. As you will soon learn. Sigh.

Here at Kickette we fully realise the pain and suffering inflicted by the off-season. Yes, minimal sustenance can be drawn by perving at holiday photos and battering the hell out of one’s credit card, but with no on-field action, options are limited. Such extreme deprivation could (and will) lead to excessive consumption of cake.

Therefore, in the interests of your health we have compiled a short series examining other sports (yes, apparently there are some!) for the criteria we demand and enjoy so much in the best damn game in the universe, football.

First up, cricket. Yes, really. We’re going there. Follow us over the jump to learn all about the game and what it can do for YOU.

Introduction

Cricket is an English institution of such complexity it takes up to five days to complete a game and about as long to explain the rules. In short, one team bats an innings to score runs, the other tries to bowl them out. Then they swap around. There is a lot of hat related tomfoolery (left).

We would now explain the concepts of innings, overs, wickets and googlies (!) but quite frankly, we can’t be arsed and doubt you can either. Let’s take care of business, shall we?

The Kickette Sporting Criteria


Short tent potential

We’ll deal with the pain early, okay? Players wear cups when they bat. Which limits visibility of the tent of short. However, we take the wider view that this is reasonable when you consider what might potentially happen to a gentleman’s junk if it is hit by what is essentially a round, solid object travelling at approximately 90mph. The occasional exception is therefore surprising and enjoyable, as demonstrated (above) by South Africa’s Morne Morkel.

Getting one’s ‘nekkid’ on

As cricket is a traditional British institution, players are required to remain fully clothed at ALL times. The best you can hope for is the ball to be struck to the boundary, prompting a fielder to run madly towards it, fall down and expose a couple of inches of calf or torso (left).

We’re not quite this desperate yet. Thankfully.

FYI, there are alternative methods to collecting the ball from these areas. We’re not sure if all of them are technically legal, however.

Infidelity Files/Bad Boys

Much, much more satisfactory. While England’s Andrew Flintoff can usually be relied upon to get himself into serious trouble after a couple of ales (has a man ever been so drunk in charge of a bubba (0.58s) or indeed himself (1.06)?!) the Australians proudly lead the field in the infidelity/dumbo files.

Aussie legend Shane Warne (seen above, launching his own line of pants. We approve) managed to get dumped by his wife after several stories broke involving his assignations with other women. She then took him back in 2007, only to ditch him again when he accidentally texted a message intended for another woman to her. Doh!

And it only gets better. Married Australia captain Ricky ‘Punter’ Ponting had a bit of explaining to do after a black eye he had collected during a celebratory evening out was reported on like this. Oh, to have been a fly on the wall.

Eye Candy

To be honest, images of hot cricketers are as rare as unclaimed freebies around here. Basically, we’ve shown you England’s Jimmy Anderson, Alistair Cook and Stuart Broad naked. There’s West Indies batsman Chris Gayle (above left) & Kevin Pietersen (above right), who are generally agreed to be humongous mountains of love muscle. But we have hair related issues with both, Pietersen especially.  That’s it. Sorry.

WAGs/Bubbas

Most famous is Jessica Taylor, wife of England star Kevin Pietersen. The Cheryl Cole of cricket (except her guy isn’t a prize buffoon), Jess used to sing in pop band Liberty X but has recently taken a career break to care for the couple’s brand new bubba.

Also notable, if only for her unflinching patience is Rachel Flintoff, wife of the aforementioned Andrew and mother to poppets Rocky, Corey and Holly.

Conclusion

It’s rare that we are broken, Kickettes. It really is. But unless it’s scandal that lights your fire, you’re better off sticking to Cricket (the label) until the new football season kicks off. The lack of skin, the cups, the hats… do these guys have classes on how to repel women or what? Converts or convents, ladies? Whaddya think?

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43 Responses to “The Kickette Guide to Summer Sports Because The World Cup Has Ended, And It’s Pre-Season, And We’re Getting Desperate: Cricket”

  1. Lorihanna, Morales Torres says:

    err’ them men
    grosed me out!
    they aint as hot as footballers im going to miss the world cup :(

  2. S4Jill says:

    Finally a sport that South Africa does excel in, we even win trophys and world cups too. But it’s sadly never done much for me.

  3. elylovesfootball says:

    may i suggest tennis? i mean they're all damn hot!!

    and tennis it's my second fave sport after football :D

    • ess-jay says:

      Wooooooooooooooooooah!!!

      Haha a lot of the NRL boys are SMOKING HOT!… I used to adore Sonny Bill and Carmichael Hunt.. Such a shame they’ve changed codes.. :(

      • shay says:

        haha sonny bill is no with the Canterbury franchise in Rugby Union….. meaning he is playing on the same team as one Mr Daniel "Face of Jockeys underwear" Carter :)

  4. kaya says:

    Bravo for the effort. This is a thorough journalistic effort; I’m impressed.
    Unfortunately, for me, cricket is like the Gitmo of sports… baseball is like Torture Lite in comparison (hopefully the former lacks the utter fatties of the latter.)
    Not only is the sport unsexy, but in the nekkid bat photo, the guy on the left is best (@ merely goofy looking), the guy in the middle looks like a masculine-ish woman, and the guy on the right belongs on one of those cheesy postcards from the 80s (or maybe a porn?)
    Not feeling the urge to subscribe to Sky Sports Cricket atm.

  5. Lisa says:

    If you are that desperate to kill time, may I make a suggestion? you could honor Kickette’s birthday by going into the archives and seeing the posts she put up all those years when you didn’t know this site existed.

    I tried this a few times and man it is like a freaky time capsule.

    It’s very easy, just go to the bottom of the homepage, click “Last>>” next to the “Older Posts>” button and take it from there. *gets back on high horse and rides away*

  6. Catie says:

    Hey, the MLS season is currently going! Yes, our commentators are awfully boring (if cardboard could talk), and it probably isn’t broadcasted outside the U.S. (hello, internet), but I do remember Kickette covering DC United once, and everyone drooling. There are still footballers in play, ladies. And if you are in the U.S., it’s often covered in Spanish (assumption based on the 2 games I caught in Spanish), which whether you speak it or not, is still exciting.

  7. Shriya says:

    Oh Alastair Cook and Jimmy Anderson are hawt!!

  8. Eli aka NC says:

    Why is it so difficult to make naked men actually look good in pictures?

  9. cutecurls says:

    I think Kickette has left out some notable cricket hotties. This is my list:
    1. Daniel Vettori (NZ)-He’s my fave. Love him in his glasses
    2. AB De Villiers (SA)
    3. Brett Lee (AUS)
    4. Michael Clarke (AUS)
    5. Albie Morkel (SA)

  10. Dylulu says:

    As much as I appreciate the effort, this is not close enough to the god like beauty of footballers. It’s almost sad that these other sports have no chance. Although…I did recently get into the Aussie Football players I saw recently! They may be a much better alternative!

  11. worship_elle says:

    noooo cricket LOL!! Lets keep our love pure!

  12. Charlotte says:

    The mention of cricket on kickette !!! Thou as someone who has watched cricket since a kid and now watches it live , there sure is some mighty fine players . But KP is a big no no

  13. Sham says:

    OMG! HOT guys !

    Its true that we r depraste!But I really dont want get addicted to another sport !Football is (amply )enough!

    Anyway I have a question, why most football players r goin'out or gettin' married with models ?T_T

  14. tammyv says:

    I believe that I have met Shane Warne, at a Celeb cricket match here in LA… (we have celebrity matches for everything). He seemed lovely…I can understand how he could get into A LOT of trouble

  15. Alisha says:

    I love Stuart Broad! And rather like Craig Kieswetter ;)

  16. VeNia says:

    ok i have to admit they are kinda hot but they don’t really compare with the footballers!i mean can you compare jimmy Anderson with lets say…Yoann or Cesc???now i’m not saying that they aren’t hot and they’re nice but only as subs for the real thing…:D

  17. Jo says:

    I’d gladly waste some time with Alistair Cook, nibbling his jawline. TMI? Sorry.*cough* Not much into the sport, though it’s worshipped where I’m from. However, there are some choice specimens if you can be bothered to look.

  18. Lisa says:

    my dad will be over the moon to see this! he likes football too but like most South Asians (we are from the Maldives) his first love is Cricket. I’ll be the first to admit, Cricket players are a lot better looking than what they used to be (the Indian team has some hotties) but even so, none of these guys hold a candle to football players. Its a big leap to make Kickette, I think I’ll be able to remain strong until the football seasons start. sorry Dad!

  19. Yasi says:

    Jimmy Anderson is totally HOTTTTTIE!

  20. Munchkin says:

    Football will always be my first love, but cricket isn't far behind!

    These two are my absolute heroes of all heroes :-D

    http://www.daylife.com/photo/0axE31L1Xb9wj?q=ashe…

    http://www.zimbio.com/pictures/3Wu_ge23LTj/Englan…

    http://www.daylife.com/photo/06KHdIW8Vb4Jo?q=Andr…

  21. Venice says:

    Water polo Kickette! All the skin exposure you'd want plus an occasional bromance moment.
    http://www.daylife.com/search/photos/1/grid?q=wat… http://i226.photobucket.com/albums/dd2/kdarnie/ne…
    The World League is being played at the moment, they just finished the group stage, time for quarterfinals.

  22. Rusty, or Anna Maria says:

    I think the only athletes who have bodies like footballers are swimmers.

    I'm actually glad that I got a break from sports after the World Cup ended – I'm also a Red Sox fan, and thankfully the All-Star break started the day after the World Cup Final. I've even decided not to go see Celtic-Sporting Lisbon (ack, I almost spelled Lisbon in German) next week because I've watched too much sport in the past month.

  23. LuvinBale says:

    The only other sport that could hold up to football is Rugby. That is the rugby men can be just as hot as footballers. All I have to say is Google Italian or French Rugby calendar. Your eyes will pop out of their head it is so hot. Men FULLY NAKED!!!!

    Kickette you definitely want to do an article on that!!!

  24. SunnyK says:

    LMAO @ the title of the post! Thank goodness I've got tennis hotties to fall back on (if only I meant that literally!) while there's a football lull!

  25. sarrible says:

    American football players report to training camp August 1! And yes, they wear a lot of clothing as well as cups. But their trousers are very snug. And here's the cutest picture in the damn world of New Orleans quarterback Drew Brees and his completely delicious son, Baylen.

    http://strategerie.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/ba…

  26. Olga says:

    hmmmmm I think waterpolo would be the best sport to sustain us in the off-season. They're practically naked, wet, and not afraid to show it.

    • Lisa says:

      naked, wet and not afraid to show it? isn't that what the Ballers On Breaks section is for?

  27. azezah says:

    you brought the wrong lot Kickette. go on lets have some australians, brett lee, shane watson, mitchell jhonson, some south africans, kiwis…i am absolutely nuts over *coughs* stephen fleming. he'll always be my first crush!! i always have this twinkle twinkle little star as i see him!

  28. A nice change! Their bats are lovely. :) I like cricket, but only the 2020 version. Three day stresses my concentration levels.

  29. tash says:

    I've started watching matches from years past to tide me over…these are bad times. Very bad times :(