July 15th, 2010
The Kickette Guide to Summer Sports Because The World Cup Has Ended, And It’s Pre-Season, And We’re Getting Desperate: Cricket
England’s James Anderson, Stuart Broad & Alistair Cook nude it up for Cosmopolitan. There hasn’t been this much skin exposed in cricket in the entire 150,000 years the game has been played. As you will soon learn. Sigh.
Here at Kickette we fully realise the pain and suffering inflicted by the off-season. Yes, minimal sustenance can be drawn by perving at holiday photos and battering the hell out of one’s credit card, but with no on-field action, options are limited. Such extreme deprivation could (and will) lead to excessive consumption of cake.
Therefore, in the interests of your health we have compiled a short series examining other sports (yes, apparently there are some!) for the criteria we demand and enjoy so much in the best damn game in the universe, football.
First up, cricket. Yes, really. We’re going there. Follow us over the jump to learn all about the game and what it can do for YOU.
Cricket is an English institution of such complexity it takes up to five days to complete a game and about as long to explain the rules. In short, one team bats an innings to score runs, the other tries to bowl them out. Then they swap around. There is a lot of hat related tomfoolery (left).
We would now explain the concepts of innings, overs, wickets and googlies (!) but quite frankly, we can’t be arsed and doubt you can either. Let’s take care of business, shall we?
The Kickette Sporting Criteria
We’ll deal with the pain early, okay? Players wear cups when they bat. Which limits visibility of the tent of short. However, we take the wider view that this is reasonable when you consider what might potentially happen to a gentleman’s junk if it is hit by what is essentially a round, solid object travelling at approximately 90mph. The occasional exception is therefore surprising and enjoyable, as demonstrated (above) by South Africa’s Morne Morkel.
As cricket is a traditional British institution, players are required to remain fully clothed at ALL times. The best you can hope for is the ball to be struck to the boundary, prompting a fielder to run madly towards it, fall down and expose a couple of inches of calf or torso (left).
We’re not quite this desperate yet. Thankfully.
FYI, there are alternative methods to collecting the ball from these areas. We’re not sure if all of them are technically legal, however.
Infidelity Files/Bad Boys
Much, much more satisfactory. While England’s Andrew Flintoff can usually be relied upon to get himself into serious trouble after a couple of ales (has a man ever been so drunk in charge of a bubba (0.58s) or indeed himself (1.06)?!) the Australians proudly lead the field in the infidelity/dumbo files.
Aussie legend Shane Warne (seen above, launching his own line of pants. We approve) managed to get dumped by his wife after several stories broke involving his assignations with other women. She then took him back in 2007, only to ditch him again when he accidentally texted a message intended for another woman to her. Doh!
And it only gets better. Married Australia captain Ricky ‘Punter’ Ponting had a bit of explaining to do after a black eye he had collected during a celebratory evening out was reported on like this. Oh, to have been a fly on the wall.
To be honest, images of hot cricketers are as rare as unclaimed freebies around here. Basically, we’ve shown you England’s Jimmy Anderson, Alistair Cook and Stuart Broad naked. There’s West Indies batsman Chris Gayle (above left) & Kevin Pietersen (above right), who are generally agreed to be humongous mountains of love muscle. But we have hair related issues with both, Pietersen especially. That’s it. Sorry.
Most famous is Jessica Taylor, wife of England star Kevin Pietersen. The Cheryl Cole of cricket (except her guy isn’t a prize buffoon), Jess used to sing in pop band Liberty X but has recently taken a career break to care for the couple’s brand new bubba.
Also notable, if only for her unflinching patience is Rachel Flintoff, wife of the aforementioned Andrew and mother to poppets Rocky, Corey and Holly.
It’s rare that we are broken, Kickettes. It really is. But unless it’s scandal that lights your fire, you’re better off sticking to Cricket (the label) until the new football season kicks off. The lack of skin, the cups, the hats… do these guys have classes on how to repel women or what? Converts or convents, ladies? Whaddya think?