May 11th, 2010

The Kickette Index: Ranking The England NT

It’s our guess that the only news England National Team fans were hoping to hear today involved a top quality side for them to get behind for the World Cup. A team selected by a firm but fair manager for whom umbrellas, root vegetables and er… lady pursuits carry less importance than tactics. Not too much to ask, is it?

Apparently, it is. Fabio Capello’s announcement today of England’s ‘training squad’ (thirty players that will eventually be whittled down to the final twenty-three) is accompanied by reports of the ‘Capello Index’, a new player rating system devised by Capello and associates which has already been postponed due to an investigation by the English FA.

That’s okay then. We’re sure a furore involving the manager less than a month before kick off isn’t likely to be any more damaging to the team’s prospects of success than oh say, the sacking of the captain for reasons of skankocity.

But, rather than getting depressed about it, we’ve decided to embrace the Capello Index concept and have compiled our own list of core criteria we consider essential to the success of a team and applied it to a few choice players.

(And we’ll bet our combined store card debts that it’s more fun than that selected by a 63 year old Italian guy who thinks tanned, muscular thighs are for running with.)

Please note: the Kickette Index criteria have been scientifically tested by really clever boffin types who have confirmed that all will contribute directly to successful performance in the World Cup.*

*This is a lie.

David James (Goalkeeper)
Excitable, unpredictable and larger than life. Afro may overshadow own defenders with a flip side that it occupies more space in the goal mouth.
Hotness in NT kit: Jolly green giant?
NT Kit removal potential: Minimal. Ish.
Cute baby photo opportunities: Big man, tiny baby? Yes. Please.
Manly or Man bag: Man. With a side of literary bag.

Wayne Rooney (Striker)
Hair: Marginally less than his six month old son. On his head. On his body? Like a forest.
Hotness in NT kit: A certain ruggedness can be admired.
NT Kit removal potential: Reasonable.
Cute baby photo opps: Uh, we don’t know about you guys, but we can still hear the faint sound of ovaries popping in the Kickette office after this.
Manly or Man bag: Manly. With a capital Muh. Wayne doesn’t even wax his chest.

Michael Dawson (Defender)
Hair: Utilitarian. A defender should not be constantly brushing bangs from forehead. At least, not his own.
Hotness in NT kit: Unremarkable. Next!
NT Kit removal potential: High to stratospheric. We have seen his penis.
Cute baby photo opps: Limited. Unless he borrows one.
Manly or Man bag: Er.. did you skip a bit? We’ve seen his penis!

Ledley King (Defender)
Like his Spurs team mate Dawson, Ledley is far more interested in letting his game do the talking. He has no need or time for product.
Hotness in NT kit: Hot merely by virtue of being in it. He gets injured, y’know.
NT Kit removal potential: Quickly, if his knees give out.
Cute baby photo opportunities: To be honest, photo opportunities with Ledley are more likely to involve copious amounts of alcohol and club bouncer interfaces. But then, we like that.
Manly or Man bag: Man bag. He might be hard as nails but will definitely need somewhere to keep his post party paracetamol.

Jamie Carragher (Defender)
Hair: What is it with these defenders? Gel isn’t poisonous, y’know!
Hotness in NT kit: We love Jamie because of his superb defensive record and professionalism. What kind of a site do you think this is?
NT Kit removal potential: Blessedly limited. Sorry.
Cute baby photo opportunities: Who needs babies when you have thighs?
Manly or Man bag: Manly. In a stubble rashy, muddy kind of way.

Frank Lampard (Midfielder)
Occupies an uncertain gap between reliability and worryingly flat. Bit like the England midfield.
Hotness in NT kit: White suits Frank. Although his proclivity towards picking up inexplicable stains could be a problem in the later stages of the tournament.
NT Kit removal potential: High. And there’s always the hope he may be caught in flagrante with JT in the medical room. Weirdly, we’d love this.
Cute baby photo opportunities: This should answer any queries you may have.
Manly or Man bag: Either. Frank’s not bothered. He does pink, y’know.

A full list of the training squad is here.

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26 Responses to “The Kickette Index: Ranking The England NT”

  1. Erin says:

    Yay for Carra on Kickette! Not enough Jamie around here. :)

  2. hoda says:

    good squad for liverpool,gerrard is captain and carra is there,ohhh god!

  3. Missy Manchester says:

    I applaud the Kickette Index and the obvious scientific foundations upon which it is based! LOL I think it should have a "manager's app"…so Pep, Sir Alex, Jose, Rafa and the rest of the boys can be held to the Kickette standard as well.

    Speaking of managers..I was sad to see Gianfranco Zola get sacked… and the callous way in which it was done. Sure…the owners have to do what they think is best for the team…but a little bit of respect wouldn't go amiss.

  4. sounderslove says:

    and I second the requests for a Spain ranking.

  5. Yasmin says:

    This is awesome! You should also do Spain or Italy NTs :)

  6. Fer_Lahm says:

    England FTW

  7. rubyqueen says:

    i'm sorry but i just dont get any of it.!!!i must be thick.!!but i need someone to explain it to me.???

  8. carly says:

    I love how the description of David James' hair is also a description of himself as a player XD

  9. JaneSpotting says:

    Yes, a kickette ranking is sweet but Capello has made big mistakes, judging players not by their footy playing abilities. I’m sorry to say it all does not bode well for England in world cup.

    • I'm not sure, given the injury situation right now, that Capello could have chosen players other than the thirty he has named. Do you have a suggestion for someone else? I might have gone with Carlton Cole over Heskey. And Gary Neville over Carragher (if, as has been suggested in the media, Carragher is going to be covering right back). Capello is taking a chance on some new faces that are in good form for their clubs but lack international experience: Dawson, Huddlestone, Parker, Bent.

      • KayRodriguez says:

        it's tough to balance experience against new blood, really. crosses own fingers that england makes it to top four!

  10. livv4footy says:

    Spain, Italy and Portugal Indexes pleeease :D

  11. Linda (Gooner till I die) says:

    No offence, but WHAT THE HELL is Carra doing in the squad??

  12. Lily says:

    Brilliant, but i’d like to see index of the rest of the squard

  13. tammyv says:

    I have said it all day… as long as the FA cannot find Steve Harper's phone number, I am fine

  14. truly_thata says:

    I want Spanish Rank!!!!! :D

  15. jess says:

    Seeing as I’m Scottish, I will be supporting anyone BUT England.

    Mainly Spain though ;)

    • Spiller says:

      Same here lol being Welsh it’s natural that we don’t want the World Cup to return to England! Supporting Spain all the way! :)

    • Alisha says:

      I’m Scottish but don’t mind England but i’m suporting Spain :D I support them anyway :)

  16. KayRodriguez says:

    Obviously a Spanish ranking is more important. The boys are probably pouting right now ('Nando's already taught them how) because England's came out before theirs. :D Desperately in need of the entire Spanish ranking, they have the most delicious squad this World Cup! We're talking Cesc, Iker, 'Nando, Xabi, Pepe, Sergio, Carlos, Bojan… <3

    Oh, oh! Speaking of Dawson and flashers I'm sure nobody minds Yoann Gourcuff flashing around in their neighbourhood too, yes?

  17. mrs.Roni says:

    wuw wuuuww Lampard =) he's awesome =0

  18. Cheryl says:

    I know where’s Joe Hart……