January 17th, 2011

The Monday Moan: Moustaches & Miracles

You may be smirking, Chris. The legions of fans who worship your abs on Kickette are not. Image via myrelationshipwithfootball.com

Like us, we are certain you like to ease into Monday morning cautiously, utilising espresso, muffins and photos of Marco Borriello naked. Anything more controversial than this sends us into a hissy fit which might potentially inhibit our capacity for football related witticisms for the entire week.

You will understand our horror then, when this (above) confronted us upon arrival at the couture clad, champagne stained den of iniquity we like to call Kickette HQ. It’s Chris Pontius with a porn ‘stache.

As you can see, we were not alone in our pain. Dirk Kuyt, Nando’s junk and Nando (above) all looked on with abject terror as the DC United player’s furry friend broke cover for the first time. Or perhaps they had just caught a glimpse of their club’s position in the EPL table. Sigh.

Chris? Mate? Please do not darken our doors again until that monstrous mou has been eliminated from the suddenly much missed square inch of flesh we lovingly refer to as your top lip. We have sent an emissary from Gillette to help.

A brief resurgence in morale was noted when one of the interns emerged from the broom cupboard brandishing this photo of a slightly merry Stevie Gerrard leaving Nobu Berkeley, but our hopes for a good day were soon dashed when we were compiling the Weekend Results post and found ourselves staring at this ‘pitch invader/Gollum impersonator’ from the Birmingham vs. Aston Villa game.

Words fail us. They do.

We are retiring for the week, leaving but a skeleton staff of women impervious to silvery thongs and sinewy thighs, to cope.

San Iker? A miracle, please!

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20 Responses to “The Monday Moan: Moustaches & Miracles”

  1. bri_saldana says:

    Moustache? Eww!

  2. rainstarmcgee says:

    oh dear Lord Chris, please shave it! it makes him look so much older…blahh!!!

    Nando looks so lost and confused, but adorable

  3. SoccerLoverrr says:

    OH EM GEE.
    wat is up with the near nakedness pitch invader?! HOW ARE U NOT COLD?!
    oh nando, i praise u highly for sitting in that beautiful position ;)

  4. VP182 says:

    Wow, I didn't think Chris Pontius could get any more unattractive after that exclusive interview you ladies did with you, but sure enough it happened.

  5. Leya_S says:

    I'm interested in the fact that, in general, I can't say that I like moustaches on ballers. Full facial hair? Totally hot (YES, Gennaro Gattuso, I mean you! And Xabi, you're hot no matter what!) But moustaches? Hmmm, idk about that. If anyone could present me with pictures of hot ballers sporting EQUALLY hot moustaches, I'd be game!
    P.S. I love Fern's short hair more…I reserve my headband love for Sergio.

  6. mochara says:

    oh my lord that "pitch invader" scared the life out of me! Mate it's January, haven't you ever heard of clothes??!

  7. @DebStimson says:

    Facial hair must be the "in" thing these days. What was with all the unshaven faces this weekend? CR7 and Busquets to name a couple. Iker, now's a good time to pimp your razor!

  8. blake2108 says:

    Oh and Chris looks like Liam Ridgewell in that pic, and I still would…

  9. Melissa says:

    I was seriously wondering when you were going to jump on the Chris Pontius moustache. But now I fear you are too late…the ‘stache with that smile, those dimples, augh! It’s all startin’ to work for me!

  10. blake2108 says:

    That pitch invader. He's a friend of a friend…

  11. Missy Manchester says:


    1. Hot Tub Time Machine

    2. Raggedy Ann and Nandy

    3. Steve-O

  12. lilia says:

    Hahahaha, maybe chris is a closet hipster. Ironic moustaches are all the rage…

  13. Olli says:

    Manky old trainers and black socks with a silver thong? I don't think so! Nice 'do and thighs though.

  14. shay says:

    I could live with the moustache. And I am completely ashamed of myself. What have you done to me Chris?!!

  15. Nando y Geri 4ever says:

    Wow, Nando's hair sure is growing back fast! He's already busted out the headband! And Kickettes, I have 2 great pictures of San Iker, would you like me to send them to you? His clothes are actually very nice!

  16. BarceLisa says:

    moustaches, nandos junk, gollum and marco naked? this post is like a football version of a johnny depp movie: I don't know whether to be turned on or laugh my a** off.

  17. Bri says:

    Does he want to be Joey Barton???? There is no place for molestaches in footie.