January 17th, 2011
The Monday Moan: Moustaches & Miracles
You may be smirking, Chris. The legions of fans who worship your abs on Kickette are not. Image via myrelationshipwithfootball.com
Like us, we are certain you like to ease into Monday morning cautiously, utilising espresso, muffins and photos of Marco Borriello naked. Anything more controversial than this sends us into a hissy fit which might potentially inhibit our capacity for football related witticisms for the entire week.
You will understand our horror then, when this (above) confronted us upon arrival at the couture clad, champagne stained den of iniquity we like to call Kickette HQ. It’s Chris Pontius with a porn ‘stache.
As you can see, we were not alone in our pain. Dirk Kuyt, Nando’s junk and Nando (above) all looked on with abject terror as the DC United player’s furry friend broke cover for the first time. Or perhaps they had just caught a glimpse of their club’s position in the EPL table. Sigh.
Chris? Mate? Please do not darken our doors again until that monstrous mou has been eliminated from the suddenly much missed square inch of flesh we lovingly refer to as your top lip. We have sent an emissary from Gillette to help.
A brief resurgence in morale was noted when one of the interns emerged from the broom cupboard brandishing this photo of a slightly merry Stevie Gerrard leaving Nobu Berkeley, but our hopes for a good day were soon dashed when we were compiling the Weekend Results post and found ourselves staring at this ‘pitch invader/Gollum impersonator’ from the Birmingham vs. Aston Villa game.
Words fail us. They do.
We are retiring for the week, leaving but a skeleton staff of women impervious to silvery thongs and sinewy thighs, to cope.
San Iker? A miracle, please!