March 17th, 2010

The Posh Prescription: Advice For Frank Lampard

Last night, Mr. Mourinho’s Inter Milan men showed Chelsea the European tournament door.

The Blues out of the Champions League isn’t the only eye-brow raise of late, though: First victim was Liverpool earlier this year. Real Madrid was next on the chopping block. What this evening holds, we might not be able to manage.

What else do the likes of Frank’s pout, Cristiano’s purple boots and Fernando’s side-eye have to settle for? We dread to think.

Since we’re not content to rest on our laurels here at Kickette Towers, (not unless they’re certified, nailed-on Chanel, anyway), we’ve secured Victoria Beckham’s* humble services to provide essential direction and guidance to some of those embroiled in the hot mess we call this year’s Champions League. Take it away, Lampsy!

Q:
Dear Vicky Bee,

Last night I was reunited with the second great love of my life, but I’m feeling down since his team has now left me with nothing to do on Tuesdays and Wednesdays for the rest of the season.

Is there anything that can cheer me up?

xoxox, Frankie Lampard

PS – My heart gave a start of joy when I saw him in the tunnel. Oh, how we laughed. And loved. And laughed. Sniff.

A:
Dear Frank,

Love can be a difficult thing to manage.

Look at me and my David. I flew thousands of miles to Finland just to hold his hand as he got into a mini-van.

We’re not even speaking at this point because he won’t let me apply my Elizabeth Arden 8 Hour Cream to his boo-boo and I’m worried it’s going to scar. But still, here I am, showing my support. It’s what real love is about.

Unfortunately though Frank, it’s also a fiendish game of one upmanship and abuse of power. Your obvious delight at seeing Jose may have given him the upper hand and certainly bolstered his ego to rarely seen highs. (Even for him.) Your delight may have been the tipping point that actually spurred him on in the half-time talk and lost you the game.

The only way to truly comfort yourself through your darkest hours is to know that one day, fate will exact her own revenge. Be patient. Smile through the pain. (Frowning will only give you deep facial wrinkles). Show him you are strong and powerful. Then, one day, when you least expect it, something like this will happen. And you can sleep soundly at night, at peace.

Yes, it hurts to have a long-lost-love stomp on your heart multiple times, but you must show strength. Most importantly, don’t be ashamed of your love. Pout if it makes you feel better. Just apply retinol to those deep facial wrinkles when finished.

Lots of love,

Victoria


*Note: Clearly we haven’t hired the services of the actual Mrs Beckham. Shhh. Don’t spoil our fun.

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18 Responses to “The Posh Prescription: Advice For Frank Lampard”

  1. Ms.Podolski says:

    Cristiano…I wonder if he has a collection of shoes of all different colours…Frank's facial impression makes me want to laugh it is kind of cute though.

  2. EAST or WEST, Lampard is the BEST!!! Biggest fan of him :D

  3. Lola says:

    Hey Kickette, do you know more about this? http://newwp.sedeka.com/ ?? Xabi!

  4. laura-8 says:

    Fab post! Love Lampsy but looked old in the pout picture, needs to get rid of THAT cling on attention seeker Christine Bleakley and the world will be alot brighter :D

  5. I fully support this step.

  6. freddiegirl says:

    Ok…I am laughing both at this and Ella’s response to CR9′s purple boots…
    hahhaahahaha!

  7. sounderslove says:

    she should give Iker fashion counseling. And advice to Arshavin on how to act like a normal human bei….no, actually he's funnier this way. Brilliant post though.

  8. FootballerChick43 - says:

    I love this. It should be a regular. Seriously. Amazing.

  9. lampsylover says:

    hehehehehehe….VERY FUNNY!!

    Smile through the pain. (Frowning will only give you deep facial wrinkles)… SO TRUE…!! hehehe!

  10. carly says:

    Good post Kickette!
    haha ‘one day something like this will happen’ – good one!
    And aw @ Frank + DSO reunited.

  11. Ella says:

    Purple boots….apparently nothing will ever make CR9 unattractive to me. I'm sick.

  12. juventina says:

    LOLOLOL Seriously this is hilarious! I love it! And I love this disclaimer at the bottom! This is amazing, please bring Vickie back for some more advice soon! Perhaps she could give Gigi and Alena some martial counseling or something? Bahaahaha

  13. tammyv says:

    epic

  14. MrsNesta says:

    (Frowning will only give you deep facial wrinkles). I was engrossed in the article then read this bit and looked at the picture of Frank – PMSL :)

  15. Gigi Neville-Brown says:

    Kickette, why is this comment here, and what does it have to do with football? I'm offended, actually. Christian singles? Who cares?

  16. Kickette Mods says:

    Obviously spam filter has not been working properly.

    Our apologies for the inconvenience.

  17. bubbly_cheryl says:

    don’t be stupid! its just a bit of fun, similarly to all the posts about ballers’ fashion, nothing to do with footie, but still welcome!