March 17th, 2010
The Posh Prescription: Advice For Frank Lampard
Last night, Mr. Mourinho’s Inter Milan men showed Chelsea the European tournament door.
The Blues out of the Champions League isn’t the only eye-brow raise of late, though: First victim was Liverpool earlier this year. Real Madrid was next on the chopping block. What this evening holds, we might not be able to manage.
What else do the likes of Frank’s pout, Cristiano’s purple boots and Fernando’s side-eye have to settle for? We dread to think.
Since we’re not content to rest on our laurels here at Kickette Towers, (not unless they’re certified, nailed-on Chanel, anyway), we’ve secured Victoria Beckham’s* humble services to provide essential direction and guidance to some of those embroiled in the hot mess we call this year’s Champions League. Take it away, Lampsy!
Dear Vicky Bee,
Is there anything that can cheer me up?
xoxox, Frankie Lampard
PS – My heart gave a start of joy when I saw him in the tunnel. Oh, how we laughed. And loved. And laughed. Sniff.
Love can be a difficult thing to manage.
Look at me and my David. I flew thousands of miles to Finland just to hold his hand as he got into a mini-van.
We’re not even speaking at this point because he won’t let me apply my Elizabeth Arden 8 Hour Cream to his boo-boo and I’m worried it’s going to scar. But still, here I am, showing my support. It’s what real love is about.
Unfortunately though Frank, it’s also a fiendish game of one upmanship and abuse of power. Your obvious delight at seeing Jose may have given him the upper hand and certainly bolstered his ego to rarely seen highs. (Even for him.) Your delight may have been the tipping point that actually spurred him on in the half-time talk and lost you the game.
The only way to truly comfort yourself through your darkest hours is to know that one day, fate will exact her own revenge. Be patient. Smile through the pain. (Frowning will only give you deep facial wrinkles). Show him you are strong and powerful. Then, one day, when you least expect it, something like this will happen. And you can sleep soundly at night, at peace.
Yes, it hurts to have a long-lost-love stomp on your heart multiple times, but you must show strength. Most importantly, don’t be ashamed of your love. Pout if it makes you feel better. Just apply retinol to those deep facial wrinkles when finished.
Lots of love,
*Note: Clearly we haven’t hired the services of the actual Mrs Beckham. Shhh. Don’t spoil our fun.