May 3rd, 2011

The Sizzle Query: Phone Tapping & Other Fantasies

As arbiters of gossip, it offends our sensibilities to be excluded from any grapevine, regardless of our connection to the subject matter. Several of our staff’s restraining orders involve stalker-ish type activities, including but not limited to, going through people’s bins, hiding in hedges in order to frog leap at unsuspecting ‘baller-type gentlemen and a variety of shameful acts we like to call our ‘interview process’.

As our CVs illustrate, we’re rather well-versed in the gossip game.

But with super-injunctions being flung about like tablecloths over embarrassing furniture – with certain tabloid newspapers being implicated over alleged phonetapping scandals and celebrities using Twitter to communicate things that give their agents and employers nightmares -  it’s a difficult time for a newsgathering media outlets of repute like us. Our editorial policy precludes us from posting stories that send our  lawyers into a hair-shedding, spit flecked frenzy (poor souls), but sometimes women just need to cut loose.

Given the circumstances, we have no alternative but to throw the query out to our beloved readership, who fully understand the implications of writing defamatory stuff about people on internet forums. Given unlimited superpowers of the kind we can only dream of, which player/WAG/manager’s phone would you tap? Whose closet would you hide in? What it be for personal perving or to uncover dirty deets? And what would be your excuse if caught?

As with certain other posts from the past we would ask you to sanitise your peculiar predilictions for family viewing. We already have a rough idea of what you’d do to your favoured guy given half a chance and a bucket of sangria, so we ask you only use your vivid imaginations for amusement, not detriment.

We know you have it in you.

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17 Responses to “The Sizzle Query: Phone Tapping & Other Fantasies”

  1. Sarah, Madrid says:

    Ramos, I would definitely hide in his closet, I will be enjoying the view from my peak hole and save you all kickette from certain purple, blue pants xD! Jose, I wouldn't mind taping his phone, I love listening to his voice. I know it is werid, but I do!

  2. AnnaAFC says:

    i would DEFINATLEY tap Lionel Messi’s phone all because he is way too mysterious and i want to know if his grandfather was really lying!
    i’d do xavi as well to see what he does besides football and also iker because i’m dying to hear what he says about pastasauce :D

  3. Marie says:

    i want to simultaneously tape the phones of Puyol, Pique and Cesc just to see how many moc mocs and ooooohs pass between them.

    As for the closet, definitely Xavi's, i need to know what he does besides football. if i m caught i l just go "you know Xavi, in 1998 that particular pass the Pep made in the 67th minute of the match against Athletic ……' i m sure that will shut him up!

    (okay i m off to google some real footy incident to distract him!)

  4. Slave4Mou says:

    Jose's closet. Sadly, I'll never have that much cashmere in mine. If caught, I would beg for mercy and ask for a spanking.

  5. ciotog says:

    I would hide in the lockers at the next Spanish NT match/ training you know to spy on their tactics and figure out how to beat them……….no, no one buying that… yeah i'd perv and if i get caught, well, you better hope it's after i've emailed all the pics to kickette!!

  6. WOW says:

    Player phone i would like to tap is Cr7 just to hear what possible convo he and Irena could have, you know what do those 2some possibly talk about? closet i would like to hide in Pep for sure the master of color cordination and if i got caught i will just tell him the truth, i was in the neighborhood and i thought i had stop by and hide in your closet!

  7. caquark says:

    Jose M's. phone. Sergio Ramo's closet. Based on the pictures I've seen, I just can imagine the hours of hilarity putting together "outfits". And easy to hide among the horror if caught ;)

  8. Thea says:

    All I will say on it is that if you have nothing to hide – you shouldn't have cause to be alarmed.

  9. I would have liked to hear Kenny Dalglish calling Andy Carroll and asking him to go to a boyzone concert.

  10. nandosfreckles says:

    I'd tap Nando's phone, so I could listen to him speaking in that gorgeous accent of his. AND obviously hide in his closet. I'd have to take some Nandos (the chicken place) leaflets or menus or something so if I'm caught I'd tell him I work at Nandos and say:
    "Hey Nando, come to Nandos! Everything is on the house if you don't report me." :)

    Sorry, my imagination got the better of me there.
    Ooh and maybe I could catch a glimpse of Baby Leo!

  11. Maria says:

    I would be tapping into Iker's phone because I know it will be interesting on all levels, especially with all the controversy with the clasicos ( he is one of the few classy players left on both teams for on and off pitch behavior). Not sure I wanna hear his conversations with Carbonero though….

    I want to hide in CR7's close for two reasons:
    1) Check out all the ridiculous, ugly and fascinating collection he has.
    2) Get rid of almost all of it and replace it with clothes like Xabi Alonso's.

  12. IrishBlue says:

    Hmmm….Wayne Rooney. I'd rather hide in his tv cabinet rather than his closet though, to avoid seeing him naked. An insight into his life would be so interesting, I bet it's all a cover, he probably sits and does crosswords and sudokus while watching the history channel.

  13. Leá says:

    I'd tap Cesc's phone and/or hide in his closet. If Cesc, Pique, and Puyi have such a love affair on Twitter I'd love to see what they're like when they're in actually private. I feel like every text would end with "Moc Moc." Hiding in his closet would obviously be for a less PG reason. If caught, I'm a professional organizer, why else would I be hiding in a closet?

  14. Gabs says:

    I'd tap Rio Ferdinand's phone, seems like he knows everybody, doesn't he? I'm sure we can get a lot of info from him. Now hiding in a closet is a whole different matter!! I'd probably hide at Yoann's…needless to say it would be for personal perving!!! If caught I'd say I'm from the cable company or something, if it works in movies has to work in real life, right? Hehehe doesn't matter anyway it would totally be worth the consequences!!!

  15. blitzenTO says:

    Although I find the thought of actual phone-tapping and other stalkerish activities reprehensible, I have to admit I wouldn’t mind hiding in Jose Mourinho’s closet. Not to spy on him, though. I would rearrange his furniture while he’s out, change the settings on his appliances, and randomly leave things in his freezer. You think he’s paranoid NOW? ;)

    • Leya_S says:

      HAHAHA, brilliant.
      My first thought was also to phonetap Jose. I don't actually know why, but as soon as the question was posed, he came to my mind.