January 4th, 2012

The Sizzle Query: Pretty. The Pathetic Aesthetic?

Image: Getty Images.

During a particularly heavy planning session in the Kickette office last night, it came to our attention that one of our staffers has been hiding an odd kind of crush from the rest of the group.

For the general purposes of fun and mockery, we set about her like coyotes on a cadaver, until she fessed up.

Phil Jones. Hot or not?  Images: AP Photo/Jon Super.

She likes defenders. You know, those bulky guys who don’t get past the halfway line too often, preferring instead to hang-out in the dingy environs of the 18-yard box, taking out anyone with the temerity to try and score a goal.

Others may call them fugly. We prefer anti-pretty.

So, Kickettes. Are you a secret back-line boy aficionado? Is a willingness to place one’s face into the path of a rapidly approaching cleat/ball/knee more appealing to you than your typical twinkle-toed striker? Why?

And while we’re on the subject, are any of you harbouring any other ‘odd’ lusty feelings? Perhaps you had a kinky dream about Carlos Tevez, and while you realise how disturbing it was, you still feel a little fizzy when you see photos of him on the golf course?

Tell us everything, dear readers. Consider it cathartic.



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91 Responses to “The Sizzle Query: Pretty. The Pathetic Aesthetic?”

  1. sarah says:

    Thomas Vermaelen, those hazel eyes, love the verminator.

  2. Sofia_x says:

    Vincent Kompany. <3

  3. ashcash says:


  4. Nayet 21 says:

    Thomas Vermaelen, Alessandro Nesta (He's so handsome!!!), Sergio Ramos (my sweetheart man), Daniel Agger and Gareth Bale, but the defender that I love is Nemanja Vidic, he's beautiful! I had never noticed Mesut Ozil until I saw a nutella video and…. That could be my odd secret (no so much now) ;) By the way, I think he's cute….

  5. FloraJane says:

    I don't think Phil Jones is hot, but his being a defender certainly ups his attractiveness. Defenders are hot. It's just fact. The big guys at the back, with the 'I got this, so bring it' attitudes, and the battle scars from putting their bodies on the line, like John Terry… Mm Mm Mm. Oh yeah. Defenders are where it's at.

  6. dalx6 says:

    There are plenty of hot defenders – I'd look to The Ramos and Martin Caceres for proof.

  7. LeelaP03 says:

    Gerard Pique…
    Do I need to even say this… ok I will
    Just pure sex on legs!!! All around, all day, in your face

    Case closed.

  8. Lizzie says:

    Aleks Kolarov <3

    • acoupleofgoons says:

      I totally agree with you on him. I sort of adore the combo of Kolorov and Dzeko. Mmmm tall sexy guy sandwich.

    • Taz says:

      OMW i haven't been on here in a while and i know i'm really late but girl i've got to agree! way too little of him and edin on here right?!

  9. CharlieGooner says:

    OH MY FREAKIN GOODNESS! Martin Skrtel, Daniel Agger and Ignasi Miquel!!!! Like WoWzers!!! I love football!!

  10. CharlieGooner says:

    Oh My Freakin Goodness, I’m a Cesc girl no matter what idiotic thing he does to his hair but HOTT DAMN, Martin Skrtel and Daniel Agger set my ovary on fire and then there’s Ignasi Miquel!!!!! Dammit but I love Football!!!!

  11. The Verminator! Vampire-chic defensive genius:)

    The Blossom Shed Beauty Blog

  12. savannah says:

    Not sure why but I think Phil Jones is hot. I would really have to draw the line at Tevez though. I mean, really.

  13. beankap says:

    ******VINCENT KOMPANY ****

  14. Kristina says:

    Carles Puyol and Martin Caceres! And, of course Marc Bartra. But he is too beautiful for this post, I guess :) .

    • MarisolC says:

      Yep, my first thought when I read this post was "Defenders are the anti-pretty? But Marc Bartra is beautiful."

  15. Ioe says:

    I like my defense Italian-style. Zambrotta, Chiellini, Bonucci, and the rose among the thorns, de Ceglie.

  16. I HeartSpain says:

    Alain Rochat from Vancouver Whitecaps.

  17. Leya_S says:

    Of course El Ramos, Bocamuffin, PK, and Vida, plus my Arsenal boys (Iggy, Verm, and Gibbo).
    But my guilty pleasures for no reason that I can figure, this season, are Laurent Koscielny and Brede Hangerland!

    Oh and lest we forget, MARTIN SKRTEL (dangerously HOT).

    • Leya_S says:

      I guess I should clarify since I'm lazy & speak "nicknames": El Ramos (needs no clarification), Bocanegra, Pique, Vidic, Ignasi Miquel, Thomas Vermaelen, Kieran Gibbs.

      Plus I wanna add Arne Friedrich, Gregory Van der Wiel, Martin Kelly, David Luiz…
      Yeah the list goes on and on….and on…

  18. [...] baking all those cookies for charity. But I want someone to … … Read this article: The Sizzle Query: Pretty. The Pathetic Aesthetic? « Kickette.com … ← The Great Game of Soccer! Virginia Youth Soccer Convention 2012 [...]

  19. acoupleofgoons says:

    Thomas Vermalaen. Hot sexy robot.

  20. adi says:

    Alvaro Arbeloa <3. What about midfielders? I think they're just as pretty as strikers.

  21. Kimberley says:

    Benedikt Howedes can tackle me anytime.

  22. Milanista says:

    There are lots of hot defenders! Oddo, Nesta and Zambrotta are my favourites.

  23. hereforthenando says:

    Hello…. Carles Puyol, anyone?

    I just realized that I probably need to elaborate on this and add that I think that Puyi is hot. He's kind of polarizing around these parts…

  24. well. As a defender myself, I find myself gravitating to those who play the back line. Vidic is a defender. Carlos Bocanegra is a defender. Technically, even Bale is a defender. So I have to say that I share her love for defenders. For the most part. Because Pepe is a defender… But everyone on the field should be a defender in some way, shape, or form anyway, so… defenders are hot.

  25. Gladys says:

    Come on ladies (and gents)! Enough about Pique and Ramos. We're talking embarrassing crushes. I harbor a secret attraction to thugly-but-intelligent Defensive Midfielders Javier Mascherano and Diego Perez. Now that I've admitted that, who out there's gotta a secret crush on Pepe or Marcelo?

    • Rando says:

      I once had a dream about Santi Cazorla and ever since he´s (secretly) floated my boat. Also, Valencia´s Pablo Hernandez, but that could be that he constantly looks like he needs a hug.

    • Sarah, Madrid says:

      I dont have a crush on Pepe, but I do like him, he has a very lovely smile, YES HE DOES! Deal with it people :p. I don't think crushing on Marcelo is embarrassing, he is adorable :p, but I really don't

      • Gladys says:

        I have to admit, even as a Barca fan, I was completely touched by the video of Pepe baking all those cookies for charity. But I want someone to confess to a real hardcore crush on the man. I know you're out there.

        • Sarah, Madrid says:

          I know, I even loved the slogan of the campaign, " Everyone know Pepe as a tough guy, but he is a great guy too", for me at least summarize pepe perfectly, I think he had one angry action in one stupid situation that determine how he precieved by the football world, unfortunately you have to live with your actions.
          I quite wonder who has a crush on Alves too? :p

          • Maran says:

            Sorry, he could bake all the cookies in the world he's still a nasty, brutal thug. He doesn't even try and hide it. Someone should send him to a shrink.

          • xoWinnie says:

            my best friend has the dirtiest crush on Alves. it's the nastiest thing in the world lol

            • Sarah, Madrid says:

              I hope you are judging her on my behalf :p, as the pepe's comment, valid point, I think Pepe is forever labeled as Thug by foobtall fans, shouldn't spend time defending him or try convincing them otherwise :P

        • April says:

          Forget Pepe… he may be a thug, but I could see someone having the hots for him as the "bad boy". Now… I want someone to confess to a love of Carragher! That would be impressive. Or… if we're going for defenders I'd be surprised by, I'm curious if there is any Kickette out there that loves them some Ashley Cole?

          • April says:

            *I mean "thug" in more of the way the public has labeled him… should clarify… I don't get to watch La Liga to form an opinion.

            • con2e says:

              just watch the video of him kicking the Getafe player in the head and you'll get the "thug" label in the literal sense. It's on Youtube.

    • bertaboo says:

      mascherano is a good choice.
      also, i love pepe! he has such a great smile and really seems like a really nice and sweet guy. my love for him grew stronger after i read an interview where he talked about raising fish and birds as a child so he could help his family put food on the table. gawd, i love him.

      • Maran says:


        Look at this and tell me the guy isn't a lunatic. He is trying to kick a guy who is lying down, pushing his head down in the ground… I'm telling you he's got issues.

        • Kristina says:

          I have tried to keep away from this, but yeah, he gives me the shivers too. I understand the bad boy-appeal that some guys have, but this one? No.

        • Sarah, Madrid says:

          Well, he paid his time, he served, apologized, his best buddy Marcelo said he regretted it, stayed a while feeling bad about it, I agree whatever he did is so bad, BUT again he did his time, apologized and it is over for me at least.
          That's the thing Pepe will be forever judged, labeled as reckless asshole thug on the pitch for that accident (I will never say he is not reckless, HE IS and sometimes he piss me off on the pitch!), but again he is no worse than Van Bommel or Gattauso or Ibra or Totti for example or even Dani Alves tbh, he is a thug but happens to be a great offensive defender that he is celebrated for his "attacking".

          • con2e says:

            "accident"? ha-ha, you're so funny!

          • Kristina says:

            Ibra, de Jong, Van Bommel, Gattuso and Pepe are the players that I have seen being repeatedly brutal, and still are. I don't like any of them and their excuses are getting less and less worth. Totti and Alves are unsportsmanlike at times perhaps, but I'm not sure I have seen so much violence from them?

            Anyway, it's a contact sport and I'm fine with that as long as there is no excessive violence going on. I know no one of us wants to see that.

          • xoWinnie says:

            yeah, i'm over defending Pepe because some people will cling to that incident for life…
            but i do like him a lot. i think he's a tough competitor and a good person :)
            that being said, he's had this reputation of being a reckless and hot-headed player for years,
            and unfortunately that video proves that. however, everyone involved has obviously moved on
            so other people need to do so as well. when sh1t happens in games and people complain
            everyone seems so eager to tell everyone else to move on and get over it,
            so i don't see why this is any different. there's nothing that can be done to change this now
            so we might as well: move on.

            • Maran says:

              Move on? Never forget, I would say. Don't you think that there are unforgivable acts in football? I think racism is one thing that is unforgivable, just as I think Pepe's kind of aggression is unforgivable. I don't give a flying fuck if everyone is forgiving Pepe, I'm not. I don't understand how people can look at the video above (and all the other videos of him kicking people) and say things like "he's a nice guy". How?! I don't know where you come from, but where I'm at he wouldn't be considered a "nice guy" because, well, nice guys don't kick others in the back.

              • xoWinnie says:

                lol okay then…i don't know you, so i really could care less if you forgive Pepe or not. he has obvious temper problems and anger issues so that equates with him not being a nice person? if you've followed Pepe's career, you'd know he's dealt with a lot.it was even speculated that he struggles with depression (this hasn't been confirmed or denied by his camp, but it makes a lot of sense). he was even going to leave the game for a while to deal with his personal problems. i wish he would have taken care of himself and then came back, but hey–it's not my choice. i knew a kid in elementary school who was a sweetheart, but dealt with intense anger issues. he had to be taught separately even because he threw a chair across the classroom once. this was in grade 5! in grade 10 he lost his sh1t on a kid and beat him to a pulp something so trivial i can't even remember. he went to juvie and i haven't seen him since then, but i can honestly say that when he was acting like his usual self, Matthew was one of the nicest boys i have ever met. from what i know and have heard and seen from Pepe off the pitch, i have no reason to believe that his antics on the pitch reflect the person he is, not as a player, but as an individual! if that was the case, i would have many reasons to believe almost all ballers are lying, cheating, mouthy scumbags in their private lives as well.

        • Sam says:

          Not justifying that moment AT ALL – a true low point – but he has said that he almost quit football after that incident because he was so ashamed of himself. He also sought anger management therapy… so rather than a thug, he made a mistake, and one he regrets.

          Outside of that moment… Madridistas know him as a committed and great defender, proud madridista, canterano cheerleader, and all around good guy in the locker room. He's shown that, that one moment, is not who he really is.

      • Sarah, Madrid says:

        I know right, that real interview was so adorable. I won't deny Pepe has issues on the pitch and needs to CALM the hell down, but off the pitch he was one adorable persona.

    • DebS says:

      How can you NOT love Marcelito?! He's pure sunshine!

  26. Louise says:

    Some of the sexiest men to ever play football are defenders–Cannavaro, Nesta, Maldini…

    And there is something about Daniel Agger, lanky as he is. He's angry hot.

  27. IrishBlue says:

    Danny Agger, Gerard Pique, Thomas Vermaelen………Carlos Bocanegra, Nemanja Vidic, Jordi Alba (nom nom)

    Yeah you get the idea, there are loads of hot defenders!

    Not really feeling the Phil Jones thing at the moment although I am prepared to give him time, as he may be a grower…..

    • April says:

      Meh, on Phil Jones… think it is the hairline or something. I dunno. But I have a weird love for David Luiz. I don't really find him to be hot in the same way I do some other players, but I most definitely wouldn't say "no".

  28. reese says:

    i used to have it serious of steve finnan (i know i know!) back in the day…..and now..well no matter how nauseating his relationship is, gerard pique will always float my boat! one of the few spanish players that do :p

  29. Hanna says:

    Holger Badstuber. He might look fairly innocent now but not when I'm done with him.

  30. Michaella says:

    Hallelujah!!! I'm a defender/ Goalkeeper gal.

  31. Sarah, Madrid says:

    Arbeloa, Ramos are my typical hot defenders, oh the yummy Adil Rami too…Actually in matter of fact my fav position in football are attackers, striker, hotness!!

  32. April says:

    Definitely some good looking defenders out there. And there are some ugly midfielders and forwards. I think the odd crush WOULD be someone like a Tevez (sorry if he has any fans out there).

    • Gladys says:

      A Rooney-Tevez double crush would be the win, I think.

      • April says:

        Some people love their Shrek, though! But yes, the both of them together might be the winner. Throw in a Gary Neville and the Kickette headquarters just might explode!

    • Sarah, Madrid says:

      I don't believe someone would ever crush on Tevez, why would you, you know?

  33. rossanera says:

    Why are my comments being deleted?

  34. Nonna9 says:

    Daniel Agger

  35. DCDolly says:

    Martin Skrtel and Daniel Agger… Tough, tatted, and gorgeous

    • LuvinBale says:

      YES and YES!! They have that bad boy look to them- they would kick ass in your honor!!

      But I also have a strange crush on Michael Dawson- hes not very intimidating looking but lord is he a cutey.

      I like tall boys.

  36. Sara P says:

    I feel the same as the Kickette staffer….defenders are the way to go. Strong and buff, in it to defend it…..Boca and Ramos. Yum and yum….oops! Meant to say, "Done and done" but still yummy nonetheless! ;)

  37. Sergz says:

    Defenders are usually the big, tough players on the pitch. Nemanja Vidic, Sergio Ramos, Gerard Piqué, Phil Jones (yes, I think he's cute) and the list goes on and on.

    So why should liking defenders be something odd? They're hot as ***!

    • xoWinnie says:

      i agree. defenders are definitely my favourite players as far a as looks and skills go. tall…powerful…yum.
      and it's a hard job for which they don't get much praise. it's always all about the strikers and attacking midfielders
      players like Bale and Ramos are one of a kind. when you can hold it down in the back
      and still score a couple of goals, you're basically the sh1t lol

  38. Danie says:

    Carlos Bocanegra. Nuff said.

  39. up-the-lads says:

    Two words—Nemanja Vidic….

    • Cate says:

      OMG, NO. He's average. It's the slack-jawed look that does me in.

      I've always had a thing for Steven Gerrard, but I know that Kickette doesn't share my enthusiasm.