October 7th, 2011
The Sizzle Query: The Power Of The Ponytail
Andy, we kindly ask that you always do your hair in the style that we like best. Thanks in advance! Image Credit: Our Polish sisters-in-arms, Ciacha.net.
We’ve weighed the pros and cons of chopping players’ long locks off once and for all, as well as toyed with the notion of their hair accessories, but never have we contemplated what a good ponytail can do for a ‘baller.
Just two quick rotations of a minimally invasive, non-scrunchie – followed by some spritzes of hairspray to tame fly-aways – is all it takes for us to certify any long-haired footballer as “do-able.” But when their candles and manes are left blowing in the wind? We can’t take cover behind the nearest trash bin quick enough.
This is, by far, the most pressing matter surrounding our day today, so we suggest you consider our mini case study and its proof points carefully.
The amount of time Mr Carroll let his hair down for is directly related to the speed at which we lose our libidos. One or two days, fine. We can still find him moderately hot due to use his every-other-day use of conditioner and showers. If that mess of a mop lingers for 3 or more, we catch a case of the non-hot hots; while we’d still think about hitting it, we’d require a handle of Vodka before proceeding. And also, if we were to ever bump into him in public post-booty call, we’d avoid eye contact at all costs and deny, deny, deny ever knowing the lad.
Andy looks best when his freak flag’s flyways remain under Goody’s Ouchless wraps. Don’t you agree, Kickettes?
Image Credit: AP Photo/Tim Hales.
Okay, we admit it: if given the chance to gently run our dainty fingers through the lush forest growing atop Sergio Ramos’ head, we wouldn’t bat an eyelash.
But because his scalp’s first and only foray into cornrows ended up like this, we have to grab reality by his horns.
And no, Sergio, you can’t skirt our rules by throwing your mane into a half up/half down situation. We can – and will – come after you for it.
Now here’s a man who likes to express his emotions through his hair regardless of ridicule. There’s no ifs, ands or buts about it: Philippe hearts his pigtails.
We think it’s a cute alternative to our ‘pull it back’ hair maintenance stance, but only if the piggies are a product of his daughter’s hard work.
Otherwise, this little piggie should run the hell home.
While we’ll almost always choose a good buzz cut over of shoulder length man hair, our rule of hair tying is that all of the lengthy locked ‘ballers should tame their tresses in neat, pulled-back in ponies.
As for you, Kickettes?