October 7th, 2011

The Sizzle Query: The Power Of The Ponytail

Andy, we kindly ask that you always do your hair in the style that we like best. Thanks in advance! Image Credit: Our Polish sisters-in-arms, Ciacha.net.

We’ve weighed the pros and cons of chopping players’ long locks off once and for all, as well as toyed with the notion of their hair accessories, but never have we contemplated what a good ponytail can do for a ‘baller.

Just two quick rotations of a minimally invasive, non-scrunchie – followed by some spritzes of hairspray to tame fly-aways – is all it takes for us to certify any long-haired footballer as “do-able.” But when their candles and manes are left blowing in the wind? We can’t take cover behind the nearest trash bin quick enough.

This is, by far, the most pressing matter surrounding our day today, so we suggest you consider our mini case study and its proof points carefully.

Andy Carroll

The amount of time Mr Carroll let his hair down for is directly related to the speed at which we lose our libidos. One or two days, fine. We can still find him moderately hot due to use his every-other-day use of conditioner and showers. If that mess of a mop lingers for 3 or more, we catch a case of the non-hot hots; while we’d still think about hitting it, we’d require a handle of Vodka before proceeding. And also, if we were to ever bump into him in public post-booty call, we’d avoid eye contact at all costs and deny, deny, deny ever knowing the lad.

Andy looks best when his freak flag’s flyways remain under Goody’s Ouchless wraps. Don’t you agree, Kickettes?

Image Credit: AP Photo/Tim Hales.


Sergio Ramos

Okay, we admit it: if given the chance to gently run our dainty fingers through the lush forest growing atop Sergio Ramos’ head, we wouldn’t bat an eyelash.

But because his scalp’s first and only foray into cornrows ended up like this, we have to grab reality by his horns.

And no, Sergio, you can’t skirt our rules by throwing your mane into a half up/half down situation. We can – and will – come after you for it.


Philippe Mexes

Now here’s a man who likes to express his emotions through his hair regardless of ridicule. There’s no ifs, ands or buts about it: Philippe hearts his pigtails.

We think it’s a cute alternative to our ‘pull it back’ hair maintenance stance, but only if the piggies are a product of his daughter’s hard work.

Otherwise, this little piggie should run the hell home.


While we’ll almost always choose a good buzz cut over of shoulder length man hair, our rule of hair tying is that all of the lengthy locked ‘ballers should tame their tresses in neat, pulled-back in ponies.

As for you, Kickettes?

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32 Responses to “The Sizzle Query: The Power Of The Ponytail”

  1. Jocia says:

    Some guys are georgeous with long hair, Andy is one of them, in fact he is the sexiest guy I ever laid eyes on, just saw him in Liverpool, what a hottie, the morehair the better

  2. DebS says:

    Sergio's hair is just too gorgeous to put in a ponytail!

  3. chay says:

    To echo what many others have said on here, i am not keen on ponytails on men at all. As much as i love andy carroll and accept him for his tall manly hotness, i do wish he would go ahead and cut it off.

    I love andy caroll! Any day, really! Hotness, i say, hotness!!

  4. MVP says:

    That cover photo of Carroll is unaccountably sexy – but IrishBlue's linked picture made me go Wow! All other character flaws aside, Andy Carroll has gorgeous bone structure and could probably strut the runway.

  5. Cherry says:

    Please leave Andy's alone. Any footballer with long hair? Leave it alone. There are plenty of short haired, buzzed cut, players out there. I really dislike short hair on a guy. I like something I can grab and hang on to. True not all guys are suitable for long hair (Steven Gerrard), but many would improve greatly with some hair. Bald men are just totally icky. Except for Reina of course.

    • Miss Fit says:

      Ok… your comment just brought up images in my mind of Stevie with long locks…

      and I have just been laughing for the past few minutes! XD

  6. April says:

    Totally depends on the guy, for me. Some men can pull it off and others not so much. Plus, I am TOTALLY into a lack of pattern-male-baldness. Some girls like pecs, others like biceps, I like a full head of hair (long or not).

  7. CharlieGooner says:

    Ugh… Not a huge fan of long hair! It takes a lot to pull it off and all of ‘em don’t do it to conviction for me. Sergio looks like a girl when its long and not wet (or gelled, don’t know) and Andy best tie it up all the time! Zlatan- well, I just lust for his body…
    Only guy who pulled off long hair for me was Ronaldinho (strange as it may sound)

  8. littlegreenpea says:

    i like phillipe's tummy tattoo. but anyway. considering that I've never seen what andy carroll without long hair, so it would probably look strange. you shouldn't fix something that isn't broken, eh?

  9. madra beag says:

    There is NO excuse for long hair on mere mortal men (NONE) but just like women with bangin' bods can wear anything these guys somehow don't look hideous. For now. They'll look totally ridiculous again once they get past 35 or so.

  10. Gladys says:

    I'm sorry but I can't get past the punching your ex-girlfriend in the face while your new girlfriend looks on approvingly. Whatever hair he has, he'll always be ugly on the inside to me.

  11. Zoraida says:

    i absolutely love men in long hair.
    polytails, piggies,headbands, whatever..

    it's a rock'n'roll hair situation and u gotta appreciate

    btw RORSTEN FRIGGS should be in that post.


  12. Bella says:

    Oh dear, I'm being deleted (tried twice)! What did I do? :-(

  13. Hot4Spurs says:

    I'll take Big Andy any way I can have him Kickette! He's the stuff that romance novels are made of! And I never thought I would ever say this as I really hate fake tan, but Andy's girl could really use a splash of color.

  14. Fatima says:

    puyol and ramos make the long hair hot… but carrol…barf… i hate long hair otherwise!!!!

  15. Charlie says:

    I'd take Andy any which way!

  16. Kristina says:

    I'm surprised you didn't mention Zlatans horrific ponytail. I generally do not like men with long hair, the sexiest ones are close to bald (Pep, Victor Valdes), but I make an exception for Puyol. The original long-haired caveman.

  17. xoWinnie says:

    Sergio and Philippe have name the ponytail acceptable.
    Even when Sergio decides to cut his hair, and tell his hairstylist
    that he would like to have "layers" (remember the half mullet of not long ago?)
    the ponytail becomes his salvation. seriously, i do not recall a time
    when i HAVEN'T swooned over the Ramos pony.it's sexy as hell.
    i guess it works well for guys like him and Mexes because
    they still manage to look well-groomed and clean with long hair.
    it's more like a "Sophisticated Tarzan" vs. "Man of the Apes" a la Andy Carroll

    • Sarah, Madrid says:

      Agree! I usually don't like Ramos long hair, but he really won me over with his shinny's hair and hot body that comes attached with…
      I really don't want remember the bieber? Cut!!!…

  18. GossipGooner says:

    Honestly, I hate men with pony tails. It looks disgusting and un-groomed. BUT somehow it works for them (with the exception of Andy Carroll. It looks Awful! CUT IT!) On the other hand, I've seen them with short hair and they looked good! Philippe especially.

  19. Kristine says:

    I generally hate long hair on men. The Ramos is the only one who makes it hot.

  20. Sarah, Madrid says:

    Not a big fan of ponytail, but Ramos's hair is changing me ( Power of the Ramos), one word to describe it: HOT!

  21. mimi says:

    The Ramos Ponytail – hot, Carroll Ponytail – not. :)

  22. Miss XOXO says:

    Honestly I dont like a man with a ponytail…More prefer fresh hair cut.