September 3rd, 2009

The TTO: Asier Del Horno v Carlos Marchena


Images via

Let us state that after a thorough hasty photographic inspection, we are thoroughly convinced 75% of the Valencia roster were manufactured in a dilapidated warehouse tucked far away in The Land of Hobbits. Oh, and just as these miniature men were placed on the Chiseled, Rock Hard Thigh assembly line, the machine combusted.

Luckily, Valencia’s two saving graces are Asier Del Horno and Carlos Marchena. One has “Del Horno” in his name, the other looks like the film version of Mike Brady. What’s not to love?

Meanwhile, can someone in Valencia’s training department please just hit “Submit” on their Amazon shopping cart order for a dozen Stairmasters already? And maybe one of those ye olden days body stretchers?

Sidenote: Okay. Soz. Way harsh. It’s been another long week here at Kickette HQ. We are taking it out on men and a team that truly do not deserve. We hope Zaida Villa can reach deep into her Lip Smacker’s coin purse and forgive the haterade on her father and co’s stature. Valencia dolls, can you fill us in why your lovely boys are all so… tall bone challenged?

Now on with the show!

Asier Del Horno

28 y/o. 6’0. Spanish left back.

Once you are able to control your inner 10-year-old long enough to move past his surname, one can appreciate the pristine surface layer that are Asier’s thighs. Smooth as a baby’s bottom, these sleek stems and their tennis ball sized muscle groups are just plain lush. Asier’s secret sauce is in his inner thigh… a recipe our Mums surely never made for us.*

What do we appreciate most? That Mr. Del Horno’s thighs never lose their swagger regardless of whether he’s playing, writhing in pain or on all fours. Admirable.

TTO ValenciaAsier Del HornoValencia TTOValencia TTOValencia TTO

Carlos Marchena

30 y/o. 6’0. Spanish Defender.

Marchena’s got a fiesty bag full of fit and firm parts at his disposal. Never one to mince his words (just ask Nicolas Burdisso) the club captain provides a wide leg palate with zero thighspace between. His glutes often play host to a common – and adored - game glaze (otherwise known as perspiration); they’re definitely in it for the long leg love haul.  The four of us: let’s grow old together.

The bonus section of Marchena’s curvy quad and hamstring map are at the back. Proceed with caution and GPS.

Valencia TTOTTO ValenciaValencia TTOValencia TTOValencia TTO
*Goodness, that came out a little naughtier than we’d planned. These things happen.

Who gets your vote this week?

Kudos to the fair judging of last week’s match. Samaris won by way more than a leg hair.

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26 Responses to “The TTO: Asier Del Horno v Carlos Marchena”

  1. worldflavor says:

    Spaniards of any size beat out most other men in all respects. Of course, I'm biased as I'm an American girl who indulges in them twice a year. Kenita, thanks for the links. Moya is breathtaking!

  2. Zatil says:

    Del Horno. Deffo.

  3. Courtney says:

    OHGODYESCARLOSMARCHENA. I could get porno for those thighs.

    The height thing isn't really an issue, considering how talented our hobbits are, hmm?

  4. mrs aaron ramsey ('pool fan) says:

    listen all folks who have problems with valencia’s “shortness” it’s because they’re fun sized……. get what i’m sayin. oh an the thigh thing even tho he’s not present david silva gets my vote

  5. FootballerChick43-"Mrs.Ballack" says:

    I’ve gotta say Del Horno. Deffo.

  6. Fer_Lahm says:

    David Villa, lol

  7. Boo says:

    del horno, please!

  8. kenita says:

    OMG! del horny and marchenator!!!! my boys!
    ok, my vote goes to marchena

    this is one of valencia’s latest additions, zigic
    a 2,02 mts (6´6) tall striker
    btw, keep an eye on valencia new keeper, moya

  9. Kelly Lynn says:

    Marchena!!! his thighs eat Asier’s for breakfast

  10. aristeia says:

    Oh dear, I think Vicente's won this one as well. Imagine that.

    I kid! Marchena FTW!

  11. Dreamgirl says:

    Macheda, defintely!

  12. Gina Villamelon says:

    Man, I hate voting against my boys. Still, as much as I love Del Horny, Marchena gets my vote. Ok, so the armband may have swung it a little, but hey, the guy’s got marginally better thighs.

    As for the height thing. Er…I have a slight thing for hobbits apparently. And I support Valencia. They were mostly destined for hobbit height. Not that I’m complaining. You know what they say, the best things come in small packages ;)

  13. mrs jt ;) (sarah) says:

    its gotta be del horno! x

  14. Erin says:

    I must admit I’m not completely bowled over by either one in the thigh department, but Marchena just edges it.

  15. jenny says:

    gotta go with del horno's superior thighs and overall hotness. incidentally, his last name actually translates to "from the oven". INDEED!!

  16. CFabregas says:

    What happened to David Villa?

  17. DaniMrsPepeReina says:

    Marchena gets my vote :)

  18. Kleon says:

    Asier del Horno FTW!!

  19. HiL says:

    I vote for Marchena :)

  20. torres4ever says:

    Carlos Marchena for sure!!!!

  21. Marchena.

    Although the thighs that mist caught my eye were Robben's.

  22. FirstTeamCoach says:

    Marchena, no contest

  23. Also, good things come in small packagaes, y’know?

  24. It’s Carlos Marchena for me!

  25. Zatti says:

    Del Horno for sure!!!!!

  26. Paxy says:

    Mmmm Carlos Marchena gets my vote!